The Dreaded S-Word

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Just when I’ve grown to think it is okay to use the term submissive to describe part of who I am as a husband, I’ve recently read suggestions in the Venus On Top forum where perhaps a man would be well advised to avoid using the s-word, especially when approaching his wife about her taking leadership of their relationship. It would seem, according to some of the dominant women in the group, that the s-word conjures in the mind of a woman, connotations of a spineless, jellyfish of a man, lacking in self-respect and devoid of the mettle to defend and protect her against that which might harm or dishonor her.

Not that it’s not okay to submit to a woman’s opinion, authority or leadership. Just don’t refer to it as being submissive. Compliant and subordinate have been half-heartedly offered as substitutes. Okay in a pitch I guess, but they don’t quite get the message across. Do they? One dominant woman suggests using the word uxorious. Now there’s a neat word. I like it because it’s a word you don’t hear much these days. But what the hell does it mean?

“Honey, I’ve been thinking that I’d like to be more uxorious.”

“Ux-what? What the hell does that mean?”

“Well, it means being fond of one’s wife.”

“And you’re not fond of me now?”

“Of course I am, but it means being, well, excessively fond of you.”

“Excessive? As in too fond of me?”

“No, I don’t mean it that way.”

“Then why don’t you just say that you mean.”

“I mean…”

“Never mind. I’ll look it up for myself.

Uxorious: Having or showing an excessive or submissive fondness for one’s wife.

“Oh, I see. In other words, you want to be submissive to me.”

I think it’s interesting the dictionary uses the word submissive to help define the meaning of uxorious. Damn s-word. Okay, let’s pretend the definition is simply: excessive fondness. Hmmm, exactly how much fondness for one’s wife is “excessive?” Can a man ever be too fond of his wife? And what about that female authority and leadership thing. Where in the definition of uxorious does it mention yielding or sub… oops, I mean acquiescing to a wife’s authority?

Submissive: (one definition) ready to conform to the will or authority of another

Submit: accept or yield to a superior force or to the authority or will of another person

It seems to me that you may use whatever euphemism you wish, but the s-word hits the nail on the head more squarely than any other. It does for me anyway. I am submissive to Goddess V. I want and like to submit to her authority. BUT, and this is where I think some people get too caught up in the semantics of our language, this is not the only word that describes who I am as a man. First off, my submissive nature largely extends to one person only, the woman I love (walk up to me and tell me to kiss your ass and see what kind of reaction you get). Secondly, there are many other facets and qualities that comprise my personality. Obviously this is true for every man. No one word, be it the s-word or one of a thousand other words, can fully describe who a man is, as a person, as a husband, as a father.

Thank You...

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...to all for your kind words of sympathy—on behalf of Goddess V and myself. I honestly didn’t expect them when I wrote my last post, so they were an unexpected surprise.

To date, more of the comments to my last post were from the ladies who visit this blog. Considering that most readers are male, and comments are typically made by them, I found this interesting. But as I think about it, this shouldn’t be a surprise. It’s yet another indication that women are superior when it comes to matters of the heart. It’s further proof (to me anyway) that if a man will put the well-being of a personal relationship entirely into the hands of the woman he loves, there is a much greater chance the relationship will flourish.

Bonnie—
My Dad was only 53 when he died and was long gone when I met my second wife, Goddess V. I know he would love so many things about her, but probably would be mystified if he knew the truth about the lifestyle we have embarked on. So would many others. Oddly enough, we’ve had no problem being open with most everyone about our appreciation for nudism, but otherwise, we keep the rest under wraps. Although I will say that Goddess V seems increasingly less inclined to be secretive about her goddess status, but always in a not-too-serious manner. I would not be surprised if eventually she decided to “out” us to certain acquaintances if and when it seemed appropriate.

Barbara—
We are indeed fortunate people. Goddess V and I look around us and see too many miserable people, some are in relationships and some are… searching… for something. There have been several occasions where we have lost friends, and Goddess V thinks it is because some people see us as being too damn happy as a couple, which breeds envy and eventually contempt. Unfortunately, there has yet to be a situation where we felt it would do any good to be open about the lifestyle we are pursuing. People need to be ready to hear any given message, so it wouldn’t have done any good to offer guidance on how they might improve their relationship.

Right now that leaves this blog, yours and other sites like them. Hopefully they may encourage readers to take the plunge. Then too there’s a support function to consider for those of us already in a FemDom relationship. Goddess V and I are not as far along in this lifestyle as you and your husband and there are times when my submissive feelings can be a source of frustration for me. I, for one, find encouragement in what you write on your Oral Worship blog. Not only does it help validate my own thoughts and feelings, it also helps strengthen my resolve. Thank you for that.

And thank you to all of you who maintain FemDom blogs and websites. Let's stick together and keep promoting FemDom and loving female authority.

A Sense of Urgency

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We recently had an untimely death in our family, not unexpected due to prolonged illness, but untimely nonetheless. The person was my age, only 56, and its got me to thinking more than I want to be thinking: about my own mortality, about how difficult it is when a loved one passes on, and about how life offers us but a finite period of time. Time to spend in whatever ways we decide. I cannot change my mortality or how badly it hurts to lose or to see someone we care about lose a loved one. Thinking too much about this serves no purpose. So lately I’ve been considering the time we are given to walk this earth.

Sometimes a candle burns long and brightly, down to the last of the wick. Other times it flickers and sputters and never seems to burn well. Sometimes the flame drowns prematurely, leaving a wasted store of unburned paraffin. The hell of it is, from the moment we strike a match, we can never be sure how well or how long a candle will burn. We may make certain assumptions based on expectations, teachings, faith and even wishful thinking, and based on this we so often believe we have nearly all the time in the world. Fiddle-E-Dee, I’ll think about that tomorrow. I can tend to that later. One day I’m going to… after all, there is still so much fuel left to feed the flame. Well, maybe.

But maybe not—and if we haven’t done whatever before the flame extinguishes, we will never get another chance. Never.

So what’s the answer? Live every day as if it were your last? That sounds good. Right up there with “if you can conceive it you can achieve it.” But when you think about it, if everyone did live this way, with little regard for tomorrow, the world be thrown into utter chaos. Eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow we die—maybe.

I guess the answer is that each of us needs to take an honest look inside our self. I think we all kinda know where we come up short and where we are making good use of life. I know I usually do. I know when I have taken the road that was too easy and when I haven’t. I know when I’ve achieved my potential and when I haven’t. I know when I feel good about myself , when I don’t—and why. I’m not saying I’m now a changed person and will never again echo Scarlet O’Hara’s words of procrastination. But I will say I feel a renewed sense of urgency about certain aspects of my life.

In marketing and sales we are taught that in order to close a deal, one must create a sense of urgency: supplies are limited; offer ends at midnight; prices slashed. It works despite the fact this is nothing more than sales hype (stock will be replenished.; there will always be another sale). But suppose the message were: four years, two months, sixteen days, three hours and eleven minutes left. End of life. Can you imagine how thinking—and actions—would change?

The vast majority of those who read this blog are men. And about half of these men are submissive wannabes, many of whom are in vanilla relationships, mostly because they have not yet confessed their submissiveness (and a few because the women in their lives have rejected the idea). They are waiting, I suppose, for all sorts of reasons. I remember when I was first considering approaching Goddess V about FemDom. I chickened out for a while and kept Elise Sutton’s book in the trunk of my car. Goddess V and I were talking last night in the hot tub and we said that maybe the single biggest reason people are unhappy in a relationship is because they are not honest with themselves and with their spouse—about who they are and what they really want in life. We just don’t communicate. Problem is, we are all running out of time, maybe faster than we think.

I guess what I am saying is that even though I feel better than ever about where I am in life, I feel a general sense of urgency to move forward in certain directions and to make better use of my time. The challenge will be not to go off haphazardly in a hundred different directions at once, so that will require reassessing what’s genuinely important. At the top of that list is my relationship with Goddess V. It’s already wonderful, but I think it can be better still. That’s because despite my best intentions, I don’t feel as though I have yet given her 100%. Honestly, I don’t know exactly where that 100% mark lies, but I think it’ll be interesting and fun to find out.

Naked People Rock

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Naked People Rock

I never featured myself as a submissive. Yet an undeniable sense of fulfillment in being dominated by the woman I love now partly defines who I am as a man. I never featured myself to be a nudist. And yet just recently it seems nudism will partly define who I am as a person. Goddess V and I recently returned from vacationing at a nude resort. It was our very first experience with nudism on any scale. Most definitely, it will not be our last.

Interestingly enough, I noticed a parallel between nudism and FemDom. In speaking with numerous other couples at the resort, we learned that venturing into nudism is most often first suggested by the man, just as the notion of FemDom is first breached by the male. Often the woman is not receptive to the idea. Some flatly refuse. Sound familiar? Some begrudgingly agree to try it even though they are uncomfortable with the idea. Of the women we talked to who had either initially refused or were initially uncomfortable, all were glad they had given nudism a try. As with woman who try FemDom, they seemed quite happy and content with the new lifestyle.

I don’t mean to infer there is any connection between nudism and FemDom. I saw no indication that the couples we met and hung out with had wife-led marriages.

Our relationship as Goddess and submissive was pretty much on hold while we were away—within reason anyway. So it’s possible the same was true for some of the other couples. We met one or two who I think might be into FemDom. And except for one controlling husband, I saw indications that most of the men we met were submissive and wanted to be dominated. You know how people tend to goof around when they get to know each other and start to get comfortable. I made a number of comments about spanking, whips, collars and leashes and every time the men picked up on it. It tells me this is just what they want—or they wouldn’t be so interested.

There are still times in my submissive role that I think to myself, “I can’t believe I’m doing this and actually enjoying it.” It was the same during our vacation. Trying nudism was something we both wanted to do. As when we first talked about FemDom, we seemed to intuitively know it would work for us. Still, there were a couple of times during our vacation when we both said, “I can’t believe we are here among all these naked people we don’t even really know.”

Just like I always felt like a Goddess, I always knew somewhere inside I could be a nudist. Maybe because I’m an exhibitionist at heart and maybe because I don’t give a good shit even if I do need to lose a few pounds. Take away designer outfits and strip people down to their birthday suits and you find out people are just people… and none of us are perfect in the bare flesh. So who cares? All of the people we met were exceptionally friendly, courteous and respectful. It’s what we had been told going into it and we found it to be the truth.

The down side, if there is one, is that we have added another wrinkle to our relationship that will be, at least for now, another source of frustration. As with our FemDom relationship, nudism, or naturism if you prefer that term, is a lifestyle that we will not be able to openly practice around the house as much as we might like. Alas, we still have grown kids at home that make this impractical even if we did kick the heat up a few notches. However, unlike the FemDom aspect of or marriage that remains private, we have not been the least bit secretive about our nudism. This is a good thing because we enjoy FemDom and nudism so much, I think one of us might bust a gut if we had to keep both of these sides of our relationship a secret.

SueWearsThePants

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Sue started her blog in September and unfortunately has already decided she will no longer maintain it. This is an excerpt from her last post. Sue, if you’re reading this, I hope you don’t mind, but I think your words are worth repeating here for those who haven't read them.

You can teach your partner the nuts (however twisted and tethered you may wish them to be) and bolts of your preferred sexual practices. You can talk about the advantages to her, but ultimately she will explore your sexuality with you for one reason.

She loves you.

She feels good about your relationship, herself and your future together. I think your existing relationship is your best hope of seeing your desires realized. Anything you can do to increase romance, communication and intimacy will be in your favor, but I think you already know that.

So please consider this;

We all have dreams. Some dreams and hopes are fulfilled; some by hard work and determination, others by serendipity. Some dreams are discarded.

And some dreams are stored in a drawer. When we are alone we take them out and consider them. Then we quietly put them back and we return to the reality of our existence.

As deep as your desire to submit to a woman is, your partner may have a dream or hope equally hidden, equally unfulfilled. Find it.

Help her discover something that she’d put away in that drawer. Something beyond her realm of wife, lover, mother, of housework and career. Something she thought was lost. Help her realize that dream.

You want to be her knight? Help your Lady find her Camelot first.

Then buy that paddle.

His Collar

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In a recent comment a reader said that when his wife fastens his collar around his neck, all pride and resistance melt away. I guess due to the season of year, I’ve been thinking about a time a few years ago when Goddess V was brainstorming about costumes we might wear to an upcoming Halloween party. This was before we talked about FemDom and about the time I’d begun reading about it. I mentioned this in an earlier post because some months later, as I was considering whether or not to approach her about this lifestyle, I thought about the incident and pondered its significance. Was it possible this woman was beyond “bossy,” with kinks that had yet to find their way to the surface? Could it be she already knew what she wanted and was testing me to gauge my reaction? At the very least, I interpreted it as an indication that she would be agreeable to trying this lifestyle.

Anyway, Goddess V suggested we might go to the Halloween party with me mostly naked wearing a collar and leash, and her in leather as a dominatrix. As I say, we had not discussed FemDom, and at that particular time, I had only begun considering that this might be the direction in which our relationship should go. I remember thinking at the time how odd it was that she should come up with such an idea out of the clear blue. Even more puzzling was how she ultimately discarded the idea-- not because it was too outlandish, or might raise too many eyebrows among friends at the party. Hell no! She tossed the idea because she figured that by the time Halloween arrived, it would probably be too cold for me to be wearing so little clothing. That’s what I love about my wife: she is always so considerate.

I have always had visions of leather, whips and collars. Nothing too outrageous, just some ideas of something fun and different in the bedroom. I believe when you have a vision of anything you can make it happen. And this is true for most things in life, not just a little kinky play in the bedroom. If you don’t keep the vision, you can pretty much figure it will never happen. Even though my mind has always conjured up these types of visions, I hadn’t come right out and talked about it with VK. If had when we first met, I might have scared him off. LOL. Actually, if I had, we’d probably have gotten into this lifestyle sooner and maybe saved ourselves some trials to our relationship. But things happen in their own time. I guess I was bound to live this lifestyle sooner or later. ☺

The costume suggestion immediately struck a chord with me. Yet as I recall, I tempered my reaction into something like, “Hmm, that’s an interesting idea.” We all know that completely open and honest communication between two people in a relationship is sometimes not easy. The costume idea faded away but the image it left in my mind surely did not. I thought about it often and realized that everything about it appealed to me on levels I had never before experienced. I believe many people dress up for Halloween not only for fun, but sometimes also as a way to live out a fantasy, or to be someone that everyday life or personal insecurities and inhibitions may not allow them to be. While I didn’t understand the appeal, I knew it was indicative of more than a desire to live out a fantasy or to be someone else for a few hours. My inner voice told me that the feelings it aroused within me were yet another sign pointing toward FemDom.

Odd thing about one’s inner voice. Is it ever wrong? I want to go way off on a tangent here, but best to wrap this up and save inner voice for another day.

Today there is a black leather slave collar in our bedroom that is far more than part of a Halloween costume. We don’t get to use it for more than an hour or two at a time here and there, but when Goddess V fastens it around my neck, it fits-- if you know what I mean. It fits because it’s part of who I am and because it’s a symbol of who Goddess V and I have become to each other. Collaring may be more a D/s activity than a necessity in a wife-led marriage, so for those who may find this objectionable, not to worry. For us however, it works. Not only does it push one of my submissive buttons, it also pleases Goddess V to see the change in me when she buckles it on.

VK is very submissive when I put that collar around his neck. I especially like the sound of the chain leash [evil grin]. I can see the look on his face change and his whole demeanor changes. It’s when he changes from being my knight to being my slave and I know then he is mine to do as I wish. I’m often still amazed at this but I gotta say I like the feeling of power and control—and how he trusts me totally. I know some people out there don’t share this vision and that is OK. But I think most submissive men (and I believe most men are) will react the same way to a collar. And if a woman finds this uncomfortable at first, she may find it fades away after a few times of collaring her slave and letting him know who is the Goddess! Generally speaking, a woman often thinks in terms of “keeping her man on a short leash.” All I can say is try it once with a real collar and leash—you might be amazed at what happens.

Hopefully one day (read: if and when ALL the kids EVER leave home, or we quietly move in the middle of the night and leave them no forwarding address) Goddess V will have me in a collar and on her leash for more extended periods. I’d like nothing better. I like how putting it on seems to pull me out of day-to-day vanilla life to ground me in what’s truly important in our relationship. It can be dangerously easy to lose sight of that. It causes me to wonder what would happen and how I would feel if I were in fact required to wear my collar more often. Goddess V says she finds it easier to dominate me when I am wearing my collar. Hmmm, could be one of those “be careful what you wish for” deals. Ya think?

[evil grin]

About what VK said about our inner voice. I believe that if you listen to that voice, you’ll never go wrong. I know you all know what I mean. There is always that little voice that keeps telling you what is right and wrong when you are trying to make a decision. I believe there are a lot of unhappy people out there-- and a big reason for this is they don’t listen to their inner voice. They don’t act on what it is telling them. Believe me, I’ve been there and done that, ignored the voice because I didn’t like what it was telling me. Some of you out there reading this are teetering back and forth about this lifestyle. It’s mostly men I guess trying to decide should I tell her or shouldn’t I. I can’t say yes or no. All I can say is, sit alone and listen to what that little voice is telling you. Then act on it.

Purple But Definitely Not Barney

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Something's been bugging me lately. I have a lot of women friends who are into middle age. Most are married or in a relationship. And hardly any admit to using a vibrator. Most say they've never used one… end of conversation. I mean, what's the deal? Are they too embarrassed to admit using one. Are they telling me the truth? Somebody out there is buying all those toys being sold on the Internet. These are middle age women who should be smarter than that. They need to wake up and smell the coffee.

This is weird to me especially considering how I often hear innuendos from them (and their husbands) that sex isn't what it used to be. Part of the reason for that is because some of the men (and who knows, maybe most of them) are experiencing performance problems. I'm not saying EVERY woman's best friend is a vibrator, but of the women I've talked to who admit to using one, they say they LOVE it. So why no “toys” to spice things up?


For me one of the unexpected benefits of submitting to a dominant woman is that it has taken the pressure off of me to “perform” in the more traditional manner. I guess like many men, I've experienced concerns about my sexual prowess, especially in later years as erectile dysfunction has reared its ugly head (no pun intended). Truthfully, this concern was born far more out of my desire to please the woman I love than it was my ego as a red-blooded male. Deep down inside, I think most men just want to please their woman sexually. Unfortunately we are conditioned to think that this necessarily involves great cockmanship.

I think some men are reluctant to introduce a vibrator in the bedroom because they're afraid their wives may like it too much and prefer it to their man's penis. A woman may be reluctant to use a vibrator, or admit she likes it as much as she does because she doesn't want to offend her man's sense of ego. None of this has to be if a woman and her man would just communicate honestly about what they want and like… and be willing to maybe step outside their comfort zones a little.


Pre-FemDom we had used a vibrator now and then. I don't know that I felt threatened by it's use, just that it was okay, provided it was not a regular practice, and certainly not as a substitute for intercourse. Goddess V didn't frequently insist on bringing out her vibrating friend, and when we did use it, in retrospect I suspect she was being gracious enough not to be overly enthusiastic about it.


This may come as a disappointment to men, but most women don't reach orgasm as result of intercourse alone. Maybe once in a while we can if the mood is just right, but usually there needs to be foreplay to build up to it. That involves the tongue because the truth is the tongue is way mightier than the penis. And I've gotta say, the vibrator is even mightier than the tongue. When you combine a tongue with a vibrator… and add in some G-spot stimulation at the hand of the man you love… it's an unbeatable combo that will rock your world like nothing else can. Or is it just me?


Mostly by being aware of my partner's reaction, I learned the need to set the stage with manual or oral stimulation. But it was always foreplay. It was setting the stage for intercourse and seldom the main even in itself. In this regard, the term foreplay itself is unfortunate because it categorizes any sexual activity other than intercourse as just that: play before something to follow. My thinking changed as I grew older, which is another reason why FemDom made sense to me. I began to see orgasm (her's and mine) and intercourse as separate things, each equally good, but separate nonetheless. One could easily happen without the other with no resulting feelings of unhappiness or inadequacy. It is love between a man and a woman that makes each wonderful in its own right.


A great thing about FemDom is that it puts a woman's sexual gratification in proper perspective. It's all about HER. This DOESN'T mean no more intercourse. VK and I still do that, just maybe not as much or with the same expectations. Which is okay because I know he'll agree that our sex life is better than ever. Different but better. I'm still learning that, in a way, it's a responsibility I've taken on that I didn't have before. Because now that I am free to enjoy sex any way I want it, with or without intercourse, with no apology or guilt or sense of obligation, if I don't make the most of it, I have no one to blame but myself.


From my standpoint I've learned that love, intimacy and even sex itself is not all about the penis. I don't feel the least bit threatened, intimated or belittled in knowing that when it comes to pure physical pleasure, my penis is second or third choice. Quite the contrary, I experience an immense feeling of empowerment and satisfaction in being able to give Goddess V pleasure even though it may not be through intercourse. In the end, I feel as if I've actually become (and am still becoming) a better sexual partner than I ever was in vanilla life.

Spanking: Punishment or Discipline?

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When VK gave me Elise Sutton's book, I wasn't all that shocked with what I read. I had always been a dominant woman, but most just called me "Bossy". I would laugh at that, but deep down I knew these people, both male and female, wanted what I had. VK used to ask me how I became the person I am. All I could say was that I am a very positive, open-minded person and always have been. I am not sure what makes us one way or another, but I do know that I want what I want when it comes to men. Women have always told me I am "lucky.” I laughed about that too. I don't call it luck at all. I call it wanting what you want and not settling for anything less.

When I read Sutton’s book, in the back of my head I was thinking "I could have written this," maybe not when it came to all she had to say about FemDom, but I already knew and agreed with everything she said about how a relationship should be between a woman and her man. This made it fairly easy for me to go from being just “bossy” to being a dominant Goddess in a female-led marriage. Spankings were something VK spoke of early on in our relationship, way before we started this lifestyle. So I knew this was something he needed. I think he was always submissive and didn't know it. He was raised in a "Leave it to Beaver” household. Lets face it, I think Ward was submissive and June was a "Dominate Woman". It may not have appeared that way, but I have learned one thing as I’ve gotten older--- nothing is ever as it seems.

If I spoke about spanking early in our relationship, I don’t think it was because I felt as if I needed it. Not on a conscious level anyway. I might have thought it could be fun once in a while just to spice things up. We joked about it now and then amongst ourselves and even with friends, but I never imagined that spanking would become a part of our relationship. I don’t know that I “needed” to have my ass spanked on a regular basis. Of course that was then and this is now. These days I admit that I really do need it, but not for the reasons one might think.


I use spankings as a way of keeping VK in line and to remind him who is the “Boss” :-). I honestly have gotta say he doesn't step out of bounds very often, but if and when he does something I especially don't like, I try to correct it right then and there. He may protest at first, but the pants do come down and he will go over my lap. But because we have grown kids at home, that often is not possible, so I’ll make a note to address the issue later when we have our privacy. In that case I’ll give him some extra hard swats with the paddle and tell him what he did that displeased me.


A couple of weeks ago I did step out of line. It wasn’t what I did, but rather what I didn’t do. I left on a Sunday morning for a business trip and forgot to call Goddess V when I had arrived safely at my destination. This, despite the fact that on my way out the door she reminded me to call her. Chalk it up as preoccupation with my job, misalignment of priorities or sheer stupidity. Whatever, it was clearly a screw up for which I deserved to be in the dog house. When I finally did call, Goddess V would not take my call. She didn’t speak to me until late afternoon the following day.


As any woman knows, not calling me was unacceptable, inconsiderate behavior. I don’t care how busy VK was. After a few hours of being annoyed, I got over it, but no way was I going to talk to him when he finally did call. I knew that cutting off his line of communication with me would feel worse than any spanking could. Mind you, 24 hours of zero communications with me didn’t get him totally off the hook though. The next weekend I had him kneeling naked at my feet, wearing his collar and licking my boots. That was a first for us and was something I’d been planning to try. While he was down there on his hands and knees and licking away, I gave his ass a few good swats with the paddle as a warm-up before turning him over my knee. I think I spanked him a little harder than usual as I reminded him how inconsiderate he had been. And by the way, I discovered I like having my man licking my boots… more than I thought I might… LOL. I told VK he can expect to be doing that a lot more in the future.


Goddess V is so right about how no communications with her made me feel horrible. It was my punishment for being an inconsiderate asshole. My greatest joy in life is my interaction with her, not only as my Goddess, but also as my wife, my best friend, my partner and my confidant. Knowing I let her down was bad enough, but by depriving me of interaction with her, even though it was limited to her voice on the cell phone, it was far more effective than the sting of a paddle or whip.

Here is where I think people confuse the real purpose of spanking. At least for me, it’s more about discipline rather than punishment. Discipline has to do with a regiment that becomes an established routine, whereas punishment involves some sort of action or retribution for a violation of an agreed upon rule or policy. I don’t particularly enjoy the pain of a spanking, but it’s not my aversion to that pain that causes me to “behave” as I should. If this were true, there would seldom be a need to spank me. Actually, it’s the act of receiving the spanking, not the resulting pain, that constitutes the driving force. It makes me feel submissive, which I enjoy, and why I want Goddess V to use the paddle on me. Consequently, and contrary to what one might think, should she want to punish me, NOT spanking me is actually a better way to accomplish it.

And for those who would ask how I felt about the boot licking: Goddess V had mentioned it in passing on several occasions so I knew it was something that interested her. I knew that at some point she would instruct me to do this, and also that I would willingly obey her. If my failure to call her gave her the incentive to finally command me to lick her boots, then I’m almost glad I failed to call. Because we learned something about each other that resulted in strengthening our D/s relationship. Being required to lick the boots of my Goddess is not a punishment in my mind. Like spanking, it’s more of a discipline that nurtures my submissive side. Knowing that it turns her on makes it all the more appealing to me.

I am not crazy about EVER putting VK down. I often reassure him that I never mean to disrespect him and ask him to please tell me if he ever feels that way. To me this has to be done in a loving manner or it wouldn't work for me. After all, this is about loving female authority. I am still coming to grips with deliberately causing him physical pain, and whatever humiliation he feels as a result. But I realize that the man I dearly love enjoys feeling submissive. He wants it, needs it, craves it and thrives in a way he never did when our relationship was vanilla. That works for our relationship in so many ways that I guess only other dommes can fully understand.

For now I’ll close by saying that we have several friends who for the most part don’t seem all that happy in their marriage. Lately, some even seem to be jealous of the fact that VK and I get along so well. I’ve told VK to stop being so charming, he is driving everyone away..lol. My women friends LOVE him and they tell me how lucky I am to have such a man. There’s that "lucky" word again. I am Thisclosetotellingthemmysecret !!!!!!!

Moving On

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Someone commented somewhere how this recent nonsense with the blogs is proof that something isn’t right with this lifestyle. It’s proof that it goes against the way things are supposed to be between a man and a woman. Someone else responded that it has nothing to do with FemDom and FLRs. It’s simply the way of the Internet. I agree. And this is not proof that the Internet is a bad thing. It’s like anything else: it comes down to what you make of it and how you use it. Were it not for the Internet I would not have met Goddess V. Were it not for the Internet I would not have learned about FemDom. Were it not for the Internet I would not have had access to information that I could read, digest and decide for myself whether or not this lifestyle might work for me. Were it not for the Internet I would not have experienced the encouragement to then share my feelings with my wife.

Candace and Katherine West may or may not be for real. But it doesn’t matter. I have met many people face-to-face during my life who are insincere and it has neither proved nor disproved anything to me about anything (except that you must be very careful about who you trust). I take what they say or do with a grain of salt and move on without letting it affect me one way or the other. If Candace and Katherine are if fact insincere, it doesn't change anything for me. I happen to believe in the FemDom lifestyle because in theory it made sense to me when I first read about it. Then in practice I discovered it works even better than I had anticipated. The proof to me is in how it has transformed our marriage into a relationship that lately seems to be causing some degree of alienation with some of our friends. Apparently, we get along too well, are too happy and that is not setting well with those who do have this in their marriage. Could be, but that’s a story for another post.

Suffice to say that Goddess V and I will continue to maintain this blog for the foreseeable future. Hopefully we have a few readers who are considering adopting this lifestyle and our goal is still to encourage you to do so.

She's Baaaack

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As Bonnie pointed out in her comment, Katherine just posted again after more than 3 months of silence. Hmmmm. Does anyone see unlikely coincidence here? Katherine's post was a short, sweet, well-crafted teaser. Oh boy... here we go again. Ya gotta love it.

Already I'm getting comments to my last post. I expect there will be more to come. Everyone has a different opinion and that's what makes life interesting. It's what gives us something to think about. Provided we are willing to think.

My personal feeling is that Elise Sutton is in fact real. I agree with anonymous that she may well be from the Baltimore area because of some of the things (and people) she mentions in her book and on her web site. She is also apparently in her 50s because of some of the references she has made in her life. Her site being a promotional site for chastity devices however I think is unlikely. Being in marketing myself, if it is, in my opinion they are missing the boat BIG TIME. Nah, Sutton's site is too low key. It could be littered with click-through ads to so many other sites. But there are none. My gut feeling is that this woman, aside from having remarkable insight into dynamics between men and women, is indeed for real.

But that of course is JUST my opinion. And as I said in my previous post, be careful what you read here in cyberspace. Be careful what you accept as truth.

Now, for all you Candace fans. I wanted to believe. I really, really wanted to believe. If she walked into my house and introduced herself today, I would be thrilled to death. But there just seemed to be something in her rapid progress as a dominant woman that didn't ring true for me. Why publish a picture of yourself but not your email address? An email address is nothing remotely like a mailing address. And why not at least write a farewell post, then leave the blog stand for a while. Why use the delete key? Why no consideration whatsoever for the many readers who were following her progress? She sure sounded far more thoughtful than that... if one can believe what she wrote.

Maybe it's just me. Candace, if you're out there, my apologies--You Go, Girl.

Blog Readers Beware

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It’s been about 10 months since I first began writing this blog. At the time there didn’t seem to be many blogs out here dealing with wife-led marriage. Since then a number have popped up, many of them written by submissive or submissive wannabe men. A few were supposedly penned by women and enjoyed a meteoric rise in popularity, mostly with men I’m guessing. I’m referring mainly to the blogs of Katherine West and Candace. Then suddenly, ziltch. Katherine’s has gone untended since June. Candace’s blog, along with Woman on Top, by (the other) Mistress Jen, apparently have gone the way of the delete key. It causes me to shake my head, but I can’t say as I’m surprised.

My personal feeling was that the West blog was in fact a prankster having a go at writing fiction. Man? Female? Who can say. As for Candace, she talked a good game… a little too good in my book for someone supposedly so new to this lifestyle. But she quickly had submissive men around the planet panting for more, more, more, only to be suddenly dealt “Blog Not Found.” Hmmm, I wonder. Someone who routinely comments on a number of FLR blogs recently observed the sudden appearance of Candace’s blog at the very time Katherine West’s blog went silent. Could this be similar to the hoax pulled by Stephen King, who, after becoming a best selling author writing horror novels, started over as Richard Bachman, just to see if he could do it again?

The supposed female author of another upstart FemDom blog alleges that she knows “E Sutton” to be a cigar smoking, whiskey swilling male who is having a good giggle over his charade. Thing is, most of us will never know for sure. Most of us who write and read and comment on blogs are anonymous and will likely always remain so. Anonymity can be a good thing, but the problem here is that it fosters too many pranksters and insincere people. And this is such a shame when you consider the subject matter. Because those of us who genuinely practice loving female authority know how well it works. The pranksters, the people who take pleasure in baiting readers with insincere sensationalism give the rest of us a bad name.

So I would urge everyone who reads blogs, this one included, to very carefully consider what you read before you accept it as truth or proof… OF ANYTHING. The burden is on you to use your head, to really think about what you read. Does it make sense? Does it ring true? Do the pieces fit? Is it plausible? Logical? Is it even believable? Come on, guys. Don’t let your fantasies and wishful thinking cloud your judgement.

Just this weekend Goddess V and I were standing on our deck talking. We’ve recently run into a situation with some friends who seem to be less than happy with their personal lives and marriages. Goddess V said to me, “This lifestyle works so well, how do we better promote it to people?” I responded that other than doing what we already are, I don’t know. It’s not as if we can come out and broadcast it to everyone we know and meet, although I think Goddess V has come dangerously close to doing just that on occasion. It’s interesting to note that even the VOT Society is struggling with the same issue. Goddess Barbara’s book sales reportedly generate less than half of the funds needed to run their website. Goddess B foots the rest of the obligation out of her own purse and the strain has caused her to drop out for a while to regroup and most likely rethink how to proceed to promote the message she holds dear.

Happily, in addition to VOT there are a few authors of blogs and websites that, in my opinion, are genuine and worth reading. I won’t mention them specifically, but if you’ve read some of my past entries here, you know who some of them are. Not so surprisingly, most have been around for some time and seem as if they will be around in the future. I’m glad they are, because if they hadn’t been, I seriously doubt Goddess V and I would be enjoying the relationship we have today.

Nuts & Bolts

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My CB3K and I are not yet old friends, but am developing a degree of familiarity with it. To date I haven’t worn the gizmo for more than six nights and five days in a row. We don’t have a particular routine for putting it on or taking it off. Goddess V is not given to regimentation the way some folks are. Being more of the free-spirited variety, she’s never been locked in (no pun intended) to doing much of anything “the right way” or in any particular order. Just this past weekend while getting ready for a barbeque, she mopped the kitchen floor before sweeping it. Now that’s just plain backwards in my opinion, but of course this is only my opinion.

For those of you who might say that I should have been the one mopping the floor, I’ll add that Goddess V had me busy doing a host of other chores. I was vacuuming and straightening up other areas of the house. Our marriage is such that, despite our growing FemDom relationship, we still share in household chores. Goddess V is not one to sit on the couch all day long watching television. With our busy schedules, quit simply, there are not enough hours in the day for one of us (me) to be responsible for all that needs to be done around the house. Later in the afternoon as our party got under way, I became the “kitchen bitch” as several of our guests called me. And that was fine. Goddess V was free to socialize and enjoy herself while I saw to the grilling and other details.

But getting back to my experience with the CB3K, it had been two weeks since I’d last worn it while out of town. This was mainly because she forgot to lock me up before I left town. She was a bit annoyed at this saying I should have reminded her. Perhaps I should have, but I figured if it had been a priority, she would have remembered. I didn’t think it was my place to say, “Oh, honey, don’t you want to lock me up? Remember I’m going out of town early tomorrow morning.” Anyway, last week we had been watching Wife Swap on the television. Afterward, Goddess V quipped that the first thing she would do when moving into the new household would be to lock up the husband. I smiled at that, to which she added, “Just the way I’m locking you up tonight. Go put it on and I’ll be along in a few minutes.” She came into our bedroom as I was still finagling with the darn contraption and watched until it was time to install the padlock. She got that big smile on her face as she snapped it shut. “Amazing,” she said. Then she added, “I think this time we’ll keep you this way until Sunday morning.”

Much as I am reluctant to admit it, I found the process arousing. So much so that I pulled Goddess V on top of me and we kissed passionately. Me naked save for my CB3000 and she in her silky pajamas. I had been sitting on the edge of the bed and had fallen backward with Goddess V on top of me. Kissing. Until those silk pajamas of hers literally caused her to slide right off the edge of the bed. We had a good laugh over that! It was Monday evening and my Goddess did in fact remain true to her word.

I’m still getting used to wearing my chastity device, because as I am sure you can imagine, it requires a certain period of adjustment (and discomfort). I will say that even though I can sometimes forget I am wearing it, it is a very real and tangible reminder of Goddess V’s authority. I won’t go so far as to say I enjoy having my penis under lock and key, but I have to admit I like (need) the constant reminder of my submissive role in our marriage. Sometimes I find it difficult to believe that I am wearing such a device. I’ll look at other men and wonder if they are locked up as well. Probably not. But I believe that many, if not most men could benefit from orgasm management and enforced chastity.

From the other perspective, by wearing the CB3K, it makes a statement to Goddess V about my willingness to submit to her. When you think about it, aside from my love, and maybe donating a vital organ or something like that, my giving her control over my sexual gratification is a precious gift. Yes, it is certainly one that she deserves, but it’s a gift nonetheless. So this is also a VERY good thing. She seems to enjoy seeing me naked while wearing the device. Due to children/privacy issues, this is usually only when we are in our bedroom dressing or undressing. I notice the contented and amused smile on her face when she sees the lock to which only she holds the key. (I now think, hell, she has always held the figurative key to my heart, so what’s the big deal if she holds the literal key to my cock.) Goddess V also enjoys knowing I am wearing it when we go out together. Just last Thursday evening we were out having dinner after my return to town. A friend made a provocative statement in fun to which I joked, “Oh boy, I’m getting hard at that!” Goddess V was quick to put her hand in my crotch to feel my CB3K and say, “Lemme see. Oh, yeah, he’s hard all right.” Little do our friends know, which adds to the spice!

Regarding the nuts and bolts, I’m still experimenting with base ring, lock pin and spacer sizes. I takes trial and error and I’m not sure I have yet found the happy medium between comfort (especially at night) and not having one or both testicles slip through the base ring. For those who may soon find themselves faced with wearing a CB3K, I can offer this practical advice:

1. There are five different size base rings, 5 different spacers and 3 different length lock pins to choose from. Count on spending some time experimenting with various combinations. So far it’s taken me five or six trials to arrive at a combination that seems to be working reasonably comfortable while remaining secure.

2. The base rings are hinged on one side to make it easier to install. Essentially you can work it around behind your testicles then close it up over your penis. Be careful when closing the ring as it is easy to give yourself a nasty pinch that can break the skin. I did.

3. The two guide pins attached to the tube that fit into base ring are longer than necessary and will protrude into your groin while wearing the unit. So you’ll need to cut them down, but don’t do it until you get the spacing/size issue settled. If you end up cutting them too short, things won’t stay together and secure.

4. The body of the brass lock has well-defined edges and corners that, though not sharp, are somewhat severe. When it’s locked in place, it hangs down onto the tube right where there are three elongated vents holes in the tube. Certain ways you move, the lock pin will turn, turning the lock along with it and causing a corner of the lock to pinch any skin of your penis that has pillowed up through the vent holes. I’d recommend you take a metal file to the bottom edges and corners of the lock. Round them off nicely to minimize this.

5. Yes, you can still stand to pee through a slot at the end of the tube. BUT, if things aren’t lined up just so, it can get messy. Perhaps because of the angles involved, I have found it much easier when using a urinal. When using a toilet, it’s just easier to pee like a girl, plus you won’t have to worry about sprinkling the front of your pants or mopping up splatters on the floor.

6. Don’t even think of using it without baby oil. First, unless you are very small, you’ll be hard pressed to jam your flaccid willy into the tube. A light coating of baby oil makes it so much easier to accomplish. Secondly, as you move, bend, sit, stand, your penis needs to slide back and forth within the tube in which it is encased. Here again, baby oil facilitates this. After a shower, use a Q-tip to reapply a bit oil, especially to the head.

7. Don’t worry about anyone knowing what’s going on between your legs. The CB3K really is virtually undetectable under most trousers and even jeans.

8. Even though during periods of immobility you may nearly forget about it, you have only to move a certain way, or bend over, or roll over in bed to be reminded that you are under lock and key. Expect to receive a pinch now and then.

9. The device shuts down full erections, but expect to awake at night or in the morning in pain. It pushes the tube forward. Since the tube is locked to the base ring, this pulls on the testicles stretching them forward and hence, causes a fair amount of discomfort.

Why Do We Do It!

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Ever notice a degree of animosity that seems to lurk just below the surface between men and women? Maybe it’s disdain. Maybe intolerance. Maybe disapproval. Maybe distrust. Or maybe it’s all of these things.

Get a group of women together and often there’s a good deal of man bashing going on. I walked into our lunch room today to grab my third (or maybe it was my fourth) cup of coffee. A small group of older ladies were chatting over lunch about their husbands, both former and present. What comments I heard were light-hearted enough, but they weren’t what I would call complimentary. All of the men in question suffered from short-comings, as least from the female perspective, attributable to their belonging to the male gender. Same old same old.

Get a group of men together. After they finish discussing the breasts, or the ass, or the legs of the woman who just walked out, talk turns to… well perhaps it turns to the breasts, ass or legs of the woman who just walked in… then it turns to how unreasonable and illogical woman are, and down right nearly intolerable they are. One guy might recount how, “If they didn’t have a pussy, they wouldn’t even make a good friend.” Same old same old.

Yet most of us wanted to get married. Not to someone of the same sex, but to the opposite sex. Hmmm. And many of us remain married. Most of those who don’t usually get remarried. Some repeat that cycle again and again. Okay, men being the poor bastards that we are, who think with our little heads, can blame it on our desire to get laid. That means we apparently must forget how wives suffer from lock-jaw and frequent headaches. But what’s the story on women? Ask any middle age woman who owns a vibrator: she sure as hell doesn’t need a man to take care of business in that department.

So why do we do it? Really, why do we do it? And don’t give me a line about companionship. One can get that from a best friend or a dog, or even an alter ego. Yes, I know nature intended it this way to ensure procreation of the species, but since when do humans follow all the laws of nature, especially now that we’ve gotten smart enough to decide Pluto is not a planet.

I didn’t know why we do it, or rather, why I did it. Until I made a conscious decision to do something that, quite frankly, I was reluctant to do: submit to the leadership, guidance and control of a woman.

A Lifestyle Trend or Fantasy

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Yesterday I happened to leaf through an issue of Life & Style, a weekly woman’s magazine that Goddess V enjoys. There, across the gutter from an advertorial about T-Mobile’s forthcoming Sidekick 3 Do-Everything-But-Make-Breakfast-Phone, was a full page ad that had rather stylized silhouette artwork of a stiletto knee-high boot, complete with a whip in the background that was kinda wrapped around the boot. Surrounding the artwork was plenty of white space. Inside the boot in reverse type it read: My frizz is so wild even a dominatrix couldn’t tame it. It was done in green ink of all colors. Turns out, if you read way down at the bottom, it’s an ad for Sunsilk De-Frizz 24/7 Creme/Conditioner/Gel with aloe-E.

Now what do you suppose is going on here? Frizzy hair… dominatrix… oh yeah, I can make that connection instantly. In the advertising world, this is called a borrowed interest ad, but it seems to me there is a lot more going on here than borrowed interest. Do you think the copywriter on this as was a male with a submission fantasy? I’m guessing, yeah.
But regardless of who is creating it, for those of us paying attention, it seems we are seeing more and more of this kind of thing right out there in plain view.

A magazine ad like this one is a good bit more blatant than a New York Times article about how young women are out performing young men in our universities, don’t ya think? And it gets me to wondering. Consumer advertising involves spending big bucks. This particular full-page insertion for example costs $52,000, plus another $23,430 for the accompanying 1/3-page ad appearing across the gutter (which is small potatoes compared to some consumer vehicles with much larger circulations). So ad agencies and their clients typically do surveys, test marketing and focus groups before deciding on critical issues such as brand positioning, pricing, ad themes and so forth. I wonder if Lever Brothers, the manufacturers of Sunsilk products, has statistics to support such an approach.

According to Bauer Publishing, “Life & Style features the latest Hollywood fashion, beauty, and lifestyle trends merged with celebrity news and shopping. The goal: to celebrate and showcase celebrity lifestyle and help readers incorporate the trends into their own lives with timely and engaging shopping features.
Demographics are:
Readership: 91% female, 9% male
Median Age: 30
Median HH Income: $66,985
Paid Circ: 600,000
Total Audience: 2,100,000

So someone ‘splain this to me, will ya! Does someone know something definitive about a lifestyle trend among 30-something women… and their husbands?

As an interesting aside to this, the website created to promote SunSilk products is hosted by three blatantly gay young men (à la Queer Eye for a Straight Guy) who give advice to women not only on hair care, but also on how to keep your mother from interfering in your life, how to tell your best GF to keep her meat hooks off of your man and the like. Interesting. Especially considering how many of the women I know have said they love gay men. We recently met a guy who, when he told us straight away that he was gay, Goddess V said, “Oh how cool. Will you be my friend? I’ve always wanted a good male friend who’s gay.”

You see there? It’s now almost cool to be openly gay. Maybe it’ll soon to be cool to be openly dominant or submissive.

Choices

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I think I mentioned a while back that I joined a newly formed Yahoo discussion group called Venus On Top that was initiated by Barbara Wright Abernathy, author of the book by the same title. The purpose of the group is to promote “VOT relationships,” which is to say, Female Led Relationships. The moderators, who are all dominant women, and who, were they in public relations would be called spin doctors, refer to this lifestyle as being “vanilla with a twist,” which is to say, “Oh hell yeah, we ‘twist,’ but we don’t want to get into any specifics that might scare away anyone who might be considering this lifestyle.” So they edit and even reject member posts in an effort to maintain what Goddess Barbara envisions as a more mainstream (read: more marketable) approach. As time goes on however, one can see that the moderators seem to be struggling within their VOT-VWAT framework.

All a noble effort—I guess, if it helps promote Female Led Relationships. Personally, for real, unexpurgated and HONEST talk about FLRs (read: FemDom, as in female domination, because we are really talking about relationships in which the female dominates the male on all levels), I much prefer reading what Elise Sutton has to say. Quite frankly, this woman scares me at times with some of what she writes, but I’ll tell you, this woman has it all going on. Again and again she demonstrates remarkable insight into how men think. I don’t agree with everything she says but that’s one of the cool things about her. She says again and again that one needn’t buy into all she professes. In her book and on her website she repeatedly says that FemDom is a big tent that covers many different expressions of sexuality and female domination of the male sex. She doesn’t endorse all of them, but simply represents them for what they are. The choice is left to the reader.

I like choices because I believe I am capable of selecting what works for me and what does not. I’m capable of giving something a try if I’m not sure one way or the other. Later I discover I’ve chosen incorrectly, I’m also capable of choosing differently next time around. Some choices I can make instantly. Yes! I’ll have a pizza—because I love pizza, even cold for breakfast. Some choices may take deliberation. Definitely no anchovies, too salty, but mushrooms, sausage, pepperoni, onions, hmmm, lemme think a sec. Some choices are more difficult to make than others. Should I spend money on a soft shell crab for dinner? It looks disgusting and yet people I trust assure me it tastes great. Wouldn’t it be a shame to miss out simply because I was afraid to try it once. Only one way to know for sure.

I dislike being controlled and herded along by those who would limit my choices, thinking that too many will confuse or intimidate me. I believe I am no smarter than many other people, so I don’t understand this notion of sugar-coating FemDom. So many people out there seem to assume that just because it happens that some folks in this lifestyle are into one particular kink or another, a vanilla woman will read/hear this and immediately be put off about giving FemDom a try. Are not most women intelligent enough to think: Hmmm, I like some of what I hear about getting help around the house with chores; I’m not sure if I want to take the lead in the bedroom but I guess I could try it to see how it goes; and I’m definitely never going to command my husband to clean the toilet with his tongue.

YES… NO?
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY

GODDESS V




I am forever yours...

Beside you to share and defend
at every turn through life,

Kneeling before you
to serve, worship and adore you
as the Goddess you truly are,

VeezKnight




I Get No Kick from Champagne

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But I do get a kick when I hear that lock click… SHUT… LOCKED... and only I hold the key! PSD, personal security device is what I like to call it. VK wears his obediently :-) In all honesty I don't even think he needs one. Though I thought it was a little barbaric at first, when VK and I spoke of it, I could see him becoming submissive. So I could tell it was something we wanted in our relationship. Besides, a little fun and excitement is always a good thing . So why not? I think people are too afraid to live a little and try new things. I mean, what’s the big deal?

I used the little lock this week. I told VK to put on his PSD on Monday night when we went to bed. Once he had himself situated, he presented himself for my inspection and handed me the lock. I slid it through the locking pin and I have to say---I LOVE the CLICK it made when I snapped it shut!!! The next morning as he was walking around the bedroom, the lock was clacking against the plastic pretty darn loud as he moved---another thing I LOVED to hear! He sent me an email later in the day and said "Sounds like something in my pocket rattling." Of course I was sitting at my desk grinning ear to ear :-) I had the key to that lock in my jean skirt pocket. Throughout the day I fondled it and thought about my husband, my knight (and my slave) being locked up until I decide to let him out—WOW!!!


A few days ago I told VK I thought all men should wear a PSD. Maybe not all the time but some of the time because men think with their little heads way too much. They need to wake up and smell the coffee. There’s so much more to women and relationships than popping their cork. I was married before to a man who I sometimes think sees life as all about having sex and the rest just waiting for the next orgasm. We had a good sex life, but he’d often say when I refused him, “If it feels good, why don’t you want to do it all the time?” I gave him way too many mercy fucks just to keep him from getting pissy. Live and learn—learning is something I’m still doing. I wish I knew when I was younger some of what I know now. Maybe it’s better this way that things happen in their own time.


I’m learning more and more about this lifestyle. About a side of me I didn’t know I had. And about my husband. VK has become such a good submissive. I can honestly tell you all that this is something I NEVER saw him doing. I read where many submissive men say they knew they are submissive early in life. VK says he never did. I believe him, so this made me wonder sometimes if he might have been grasping at FemDom in desperation as a way to save a relationship that we somehow couldn’t seem to get right in spite of the love we felt for each other. I know now he is genuinely submissive and I guess he just never “got it” before because over the past few years he has changed so much and become such a better man, father and husband. This lifestyle has made such a difference in our lives. I believe things happen for a reason so this musta been meant to be for us.


I read the comments on our blog and see where other dominant women say how VK is such a good submissive. Thank you ladies. I know he likes that recognition and so you’re helping to push one of those buttons I talked about in another post :) You also say I am lucky to have such a man. And you’re right, I am. But as dominant women, you know better than most that it takes a good woman to straighten a man out, and a loving domme to really put his ass on the straight and narrow with the direction he needs. I’m always telling VK what a lucky man he is, especially after I look in a mirror LOL! But truth be told, we know we are both very lucky people.


The business I am in is very busy right now. So I don’t have much free time to write on our blog. Wish I did because this lifestyle has changed our life in so many positive ways---not just at home but at work too! It is enabling me to be the woman that I truly am and I want to help promote it as much as I can. It does take a little work and preparation, but I think that is what is wrong with the vanilla world. People take and get taken for granted and eventually shut down and stop talking---about everything that matters. I have read many articles in which the sex has even stopped in a lot of marriages. Reasons---many. If you don't have the line of communication open, you are destined to fail and this is true in almost anything we do. So if there are people out there that aren't sure about this lifestyle or are afraid to approach their spouse or significant other about it (and I know there are many!) then shame on you. How can you possibly expect to have a meaningful, honest relationship if you cannot communicate about what is important to you?

Enforcement

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I’ve read a goodly amount—too much even—about chastity devices. Should be used. Should not be used. This one is good. That one sucks. It’s a treat for him. It’s a punishment for him. Look, we’re all reasonably intelligent adults here. Part of the real magic in FemDom comes from the male willingly and voluntarily submitting to his woman. That includes voluntarily empowering her with authority over his sexual release. If a Domme had to seize that control and enforce it either with a CD or some sort of reprisal, then it would be meaningless to her. It would have no value. She wants him to give it to her as proof of his adoration for her, as proof of his trust in and respect for her authority. She wants to be his sole source of sexual gratification.


The way I see it, arguments over which CD is more secure or whether or not a CD should even be used, are mute. Come on guys, let’s face one simple fact: if a man wants to escape, he will. Goddess V has seen me figure creative approaches around a lot of challenges… using tools. Ever heard of tools that cut through steel let alone flimsy made in China plastic? One needn’t be a Houdini to figure a way out if that’s where ya wanna go. So if a CD is used in a FLR it really is just a symbol of his submission to her authority. And if a guy is on the honor system and wants to enjoy a private wank now and then without getting caught, make no mistake; he can do it. If he gets caught, it’s because he wanted to.

And all the talk about preventing erections! I don’t get it. So what if a guy wakes up with morning wood? It’s not sexual. So what if he has a wet dream? Again, it’s NOT sexual! It’s called physiology and it’s part of being a man. It has absolutely nothing to do with his sexual arousal. Therefore it does not reflect on his Domme’s lack of control over his sexual release. Don’t get me wrong. Goddess V is the sole object of my sexual desires. Because I love her, because I willingly submit to her authority, and because I trust her with that authority, I think she should have total control over my sexual release. Whether she wants me to wear a CD for a day or a week, or whether she wants me to wear it at all, makes little difference in the end. Like everything else, it’ll be whatever we find works for us. In the end, the only thing that matters is that our marriage is better—no, much better—in a FemDom relationship, and we are happier in our roles than we were previously.

Forever In Blue Jeans

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I’m a blue jeans kinda guy. Even at the office with our casual business dress code, I’m fortunate to be able to wear them most of the time. It may surprise you to learn that one of my biggest concerns was whether or not I would still be able to wear jeans. I’d read that the CB3K is virtually undetectable under clothing, but you know how that goes. I discard half of what I read on the Internet as BS, and am usually suspicious of the other half. Happily, what I’d read is true. In a test run while Goddess V was at work and I was working at home, I wrangled myself into my new “personal security device,” then pulled on a pair of jeans, and not the relaxed fit kind either. I looked downward, half expecting to see an unnatural looking bulge that would advertise, “Hey every body, lookie here, wifey has my cock in a lock!”

Nothing. Nothing that anyone was likely to notice anyway. A long discerning look in a mirror convinced me of. What might be noticed could easily pass for a respectable package—not a bad impression to create if I do say so. I was still wearing it when Goddess V arrived home, and even she noticed nothing. Okay then, at least I won’t be having people gawk at me every time I leave the house. I’d already completed one other test: peeing. I’d read that many men report they can still stand to pee while wearing this particular model. Count me among them.

Gentlemen, if you think your little guy plays turtle in cold water, wait until you try to coax him into a CB3K. I won’t bore you will all the details. Suffice to say that putting this bad boy on for the first time is a challenge, especially considering how one needs to choose among various sized rings and spacers and locking pins. So far the second to largest base ring seems to work well for me along with the second to largest spacer (don’t let anyone tell you it doesn’t take a big set of gonads to be a submissive man.) I might add that I made a point of sharing this with the Goddess V after her wise-crack about needing the smallest ring. The unit is reasonably well engineered and so all the pieces fit together effectively. I’m not what you would call endowed like a horse, but even so, I had to fall back to regroup a time or two, then try again armed with baby oil plus a fair amount of poking and prodding to finally get the monster (sounds way more impressive than turtle, don’t ya think?) into his cage.

I spend two consecutive nights out of town each week and Goddess V was insistent that I not leave home without it. So before going to bed the night before leaving town, she watched me put IT on. She agreed that since we are still in an experimental stage, she would secure it with one of the locking plastic tabs instead of the lock. After I was neatly locked away, she lay back on the bed grinning, with a look on her face that I can best describe as being one of utter glee. “I LIKE it,” she said, “wish I had known about this thing years ago.” She put her hand in my crotch and patted my secure genitals and added, “You’ll be okay, honey.” Then she kissed me good night and turned out the light.

Gizmo

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The vast majority of gizmos and contraptions, from the guillotine to the VegiMatic, were invented by men. This makes it a safe bet the CB3K was also invented by a man, and an ingenious one at that. It makes me wonder. Does a guy who doesn’t fish, never fished and has no desire to fish invent the “Pocket Fisherman?” Doubtful. So the industrious fellow who dreamed up THIS particular gizmo must have had a personal interest in the matter of male chastity. Not to put too fine a point on it, but the crazy fucker musta been lying awake nights thinking up ways to prevent a guy from diddling with his favorite play toy. Okay, maybe there’s an outside chance a group of militant, bra-burning feminists abducted a clever guy, spirited him away to an abandoned farm somewhere, then rode him like a pony around the barnyard and whipped his ass for 40 days and nights until he finally perfected the design for the CB3K. Anyone out there in cyberspace buying that?

Here’s something else that makes me wonder. Our freebie Stat Counter tells me this blog now averages close to 600 page loads each day. Yet most of what we write here draws few comments. Then I posted the preceding entry and wham, more comments than any other post. Dominant ladies are laughing and thinking, “Uhuh, you go, Goddess V.” And submissive men are, well, suffice to say they seem to think it was an excellent post. Hmmm. To tell you the truth, I debated over whether or not to write about IT. IT seemed to be maybe a little too personal. But considering how control of male orgasm is undeniably the keystone of FemDom, enforced male chastity, via use of what Goddess V now refers to as a Personal Security Device, seems to be a logical direction in which many FLRs eventually go. So in the end I decided that since Goddess V and I have become advocates of FemDom, Loving Female Authority and Wife-led Marriage, it would perhaps be somewhat of a disservice to exclude from our story this aspect of our relationship.

Reading the teeny-tiny sheet of instructions that is packed inside the gift box: I am suppose to choose from five differently sized hinged rings… not too tight but not too loose. Goddess V’s initial advice was, “That’s easy, honey. Go with the smallest.” Hmmm, her humor can be so amusing. Then choose among five spacers and three locking pins. All rightie-then. Apply a few dabs of baby oil or gel to help slip into the tube, being careful not to pinc….ouch! Damn! THAT's gonna leave a mark. If getting OUT of this gizmo is half as difficult as getting IN, my days of tweaking the little guy just to say "hello, thinking of you," are destined to become a fond memory.

IT...

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…was way high on the list of things that scared the bejesus out me when I first began reading about FemDom. One that caused me to think two, three and four times before approaching my wife about loving female authority. And IT was something she quickly focused on when she first began reading about this lifestyle. She said IT appealed to her and that she thought I’d like IT too. Except for a couple of passing references here and there, that was pretty much the end of the discussion about IT until recently when the subject surfaced again. “Honey,” she said off-handedly, “you had to know IT was just a matter of time.”

“But I think…” Goddess V cut me off by interjecting, “That doesn’t matter, honey. All that matters is what I want. So take care of IT.” Seeing the pained look on my face she added, “Look, we’ll try IT out and see how IT goes. Just go ahead and order IT.” I obeyed. I could have balked further. I could have refused. I could even have spilled my ice tea on my keyboard to short-circuit my laptop. But I didn’t. I obeyed her—which Goddess V will say is proof enough that I actually want IT. I won’t deny there is a certain erotic fascination with IT, either that or morbid curiosity akin to what causes drivers to slow down and gawk when passing a traffic accident. BUT... the jury is still out on this one.

I ordered IT around 4:30 on a Friday afternoon from a site called Kept for Her. On Saturday I received an email saying IT had shipped. Damn, already? Don’t they take weekends off? Mid afternoon on Monday I could scarcely believe my eyes when I saw the mail truck stop out front of our house instead of at the community mailboxes further down the street. Nah. All the way from Indiana? Over a weekend? US Parcel Post? No way! But sure enough, a moment later our belligerent mail lady was steaming up our front walk with a small, innocuous looking package in hand—looking none too pleased I might add for having to make an additional stop.

She paused for a moment as she contemplated how to negotiate past rogue droplets from a sprinkler I had running in our front gardens. Double damn! I had repositioned the sprinkler away from our front walk only minutes before. Judging as how this lady had once returned a package as “refused” because it didn’t fit in our mailbox, I’m positive the sprinkler would have held her at bay. Even if she had winged the package in the direction of our door, it may have fallen behind a shrub where it would have remained hidden for God knows how long. I’da been saying, “Geez, Babe, I dunno why IT hasn’t come yet… you saw me place the order.”

[sigh] Ah, timing is everything, and as it happened, the Mail Nazi skirted the water obstacle and sallied forth. Neither rain nor sleet nor garden sprinklers on a hot July afternoon can keep HER from her appointed rounds. It’s all about attitude, right? I suspect that had she known the contents of the package she was delivering, she’d have gladly endured wet feet with a smug you-bout-to-learn-who's-boss smile on her face, instead of her usual doanchu-even-think-bout-fuckin-wit-me scowl. Indeed.

It’s amazing when you think about it. Somewhere, someone at some point in time was boxing up a collection of deviously engineered parts—an acrylic tube, different size rings and spacers, a small, brass padlock… especially, that damned Masterlock—and probably all the while thinking and chuckling: phew, some poor submissive bastard is gonna be wearing this gizmo. And so, with help from VISA, a Mac, cable high-speed Internet, the folks at Keptforher.com and the US Mail (thank you all very much), a genuine, one hundred and sixty-nine dollar CB3000 chastity device, has found its way to my door. Which means that yours truly is the submissive bastard who will be wearing IT.

Failure

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I don’t deal with failure very well, particularly when it involves my own ability and talent. I failed in a home improvement project on Sunday, one that has been dragging on and on because we have been so busy outside our home on another project. Very frustrating. It came at the tail end of what could only be described as an exhausting weekend involving other projects that are turning out extremely well. This only served to make my DIY failure at home sting all the more. It put me in a belligerent and generally pissed-off mood, not at anyone in particular, well, yeah… at MYSELF. There was a time when Goddess V probably would have gotten mad at me for being in such a mood, but as it was, she dealt with it very well. She sympathized and then pretty much left me alone.

Lately I’ve been packing a lunch for Goddess V a few days a week when I am home. Sunday night she went to bed before I did and when she kissed me goodnight, I told her I’d pack her lunch, not to forget it in the morning. She replied that she knew I was tired and to forget about it. I sat up a while after she went to bed, thinking. At first I though Goddess V is getting smarter as she becomes more dominant. Then I realized (not for the first time I might add) that she’s been smart all along. She’s just getting smarter at handling me. I like to think that I also am getting smarter, for letting her do just that, even though it requires submitting to her authority. When I read and hear about so many women and men who cannot find happiness in a relationship with someone, either vanilla or otherwise, I realize again and again how fortunate I am.

I got off my tired ass and packed a lunch for Goddess V.

Our Dance

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This is a peculiar lifestyle. And the deeper we delve into FemDom the more enigmatic it becomes. Perhaps that’s a misnomer because the basic premise behind FemDom is easy enough to describe: She dominates all aspects of a relationship while he submits to her authority and control. It’s the actual dynamic of D/s that is difficult to explain without having experienced it. I believe it was Elise Sutton who described it as a dance between the Domme and her sub. It’s surely that, and more.

It seems to me FemDom is like a dance in which both partners not only follow but also lead one another. The well-known Escher art pictured here comes to my mind. Two hands, one left and one right, each opposing halves of one equation, create and define one another. Each gives the other substance and cannot exist without the other. In a similar way, a Domme cannot exist without her submissive, nor he without her. And the more they interact, the better they define one another, the better each in turn is defined.

While I was out of town this week, Goddess V emailed to me a Couple’s Love Horoscope that she enjoys reading. It said: “Some events have changed your value system and how you see the world. This is no laughing matter. You realize that you – and your relationship – have what it takes to go the distance. Good for you!” I replied that had our values not changed, had we not agreed to pursue this lifestyle, it was likely that our relationship would not have what it takes to go the distance. Goddess V then responded that she was sure we would not be together. Today, though our FemDom relationship is still in its infancy, it has already helped shaped us into partners who compliment each other better than we had in our vanilla relationship. We were always best friends, and love was never an issue. Yet now there is a growing bond, a special intimacy between us that our friendship and love alone couldn’t seem to generate.

We attended a luau last weekend. We sat with a group of friends in a large circle of lawn chairs. Part of the time I sat across from Goddess V, watching her, observing her as she chatted with a lady friend. She wore a sarong style flowered dress. Summer humidity had gotten into her blonde hair making it curlier than usual as it fell to her shoulders. A lei of brightly colored flowers encircled her neck. Late afternoon sunlight filtered through high oaks that rustled in a river breeze, causing pools of dappled sunshine to dance about her. I was entirely enraptured and could scarcely take my eyes from her. Ever watch the movie “Somewhere in Time,” where playwrite, Richard Collier, discovers an old portrait of actress, Elise McKenna, in the museum room of the Grand Hotel? He is so enraptured with her beauty, he spends the night alone in the museum with her portrait, unable to bear the pain of leaving her presence. I sometimes feel that way and this was one of those times. I was captivated by the presence of my wife. My mouth chatted up with friends, but my mind was engaged in matters that had nothing to do with party pleasantries and everything to do with the Goddess V.

Then she smiled at me and winked as she often does. Goddess V held out her glass and called, “Oh slave boy, I need more wine.” She spoke in a light-hearted, convivial manner that others in our circle, I am sure, interpreted as nothing more than good natured ribbing between wife and husband. Her message however, as it was later when she instructed rather than asked me to fix her a plate of food, was clear to me. Publicly in front of friends, regardless of the party atmosphere in which we were having fun as any vanilla couple, my wife was reminding me of my submissive role in our relationship by asserting her female authority. I had no problem snapping-to, and we both got what we wanted.

This is part of our D/s dance together. Goddess V initially began dominating me when she understood that it made me feel submissive, which is what I needed. But it became more than simply pleasing me for the sake of it when she saw the effect it had on me, the effect it had on how she felt about herself, and when she experienced what her being in control did for our marriage. And so there became tangible benefits and pleasure in it for her. This causes her to dominate me more. The more she dominates me the more submissive I feel and the more I want (need) to submit to her. In this way, over time, we are defining for ourselves and each other our respective roles in our marriage. I in effect seduce the Domme within her, and she seduces the submissive within me.

We add new steps to the dance as we experience how our particular choreography enriches and improves our relationship. Where will it end and the choreography be complete? When one partner cannot negotiate a new step—for while we each fulfill vastly different roles, we are, first and foremost, partners in our marriage. And so our dance continues.

Submissive Buttons

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I haven’t been able to write here as often I would like. I don’t have a lot of time for it right now because of work, our side business and all the other day to day things that need to be tended to. It takes me close to an hour just water all of our flowers. Every spring I say I won’t plant as many but what can I say. I love planting flowers and watching them grow. And the house looks so good when they are all in bloom. Hopefully toward the end of summer and into the fall I’ll be able to spend more time here. I really do want to promote this lifestyle and help other women who may be considering or struggling with it because I believe many marriages would be much happier through FemDom.

The relationship between VK and me has changed a great deal in the last two years. We’ve changed as individuals too. And I think it is largely due to this lifestyle. I always knew if I could have total control (almost anyway) my life would be so much better. It is. You see----it has changed me a lot. I have taken so much more responsibility for things in my life and that has made me feel so much better about me, which in turn helps us. So it is a win/win for us both.


My knight just wrote me an email where he said, “I have always known in my heart that I love you, but it seems as if I love you more as time goes on. I don't know if it is because of our FemDom relationship (it must be largely due to that because I have no other explanation for it), but I feel more together with you. I feel more like a team. Plus I feel more in touch and greater satisfaction with myself, despite my submissive role in our marriage. You were so right the other night when you said that I am not the same man you met nine years ago. All for the better.”


I can tell you that VK was a good man when I met him. But he just didn’t get it when it came to certain things that are important to me. He was my best friend, but he was sometimes too distant, a little too judgmental and snobbish and righteous, sometimes too selfish and rarely attentive enough to me as the woman he loves. [sigh] It took me this long to straighten his ass out to where he is finally a keeper. Still, he is a man. He needs direction. He needs discipline. He needs to be reminded daily (and sometimes not gently) that his role is to submit to my female authority. I am still learning to appreciate how a man needs to feel submissive and so wants to be dominated by a strong, sexual woman. The more she dominates him the more submissive he feels and the better a man, partner and friend he becomes. I’m still learning how this process works with MY man--- but the results I’ve seen so far sure work for me! Because… I AM A GODDESS!


Our challenge (and frustration) is how to work this into our lives more. People with demanding jobs, busy schedules and children at home know what I mean. But I decided over Fourth of July weekend I would MAKE time to push some of VK’s submissive buttons. While we were out on Friday night (me wearing a Hawaiian dress) I took off my panties right there in the cocktail lounge and stuffed them into VK’s pocket. (button pushed… plus he was the envy of every man who saw me do it) On Saturday morning, VK copped an attitude about something that I didn’t appreciate. At first I walked away annoyed, but then I thought, nope, I’ll deal with this right now. Fortunately the circumstances were right--- which they often aren’t in our house with grown kids around. VK was out on the deck when I opened the door and called, “Come in here right now.” (button) I was waiting in our bedroom, seated on our bed with paddle in hand, “Take your pants down.” (button) He balked and started to protest but I cut him off. “Get your naked ass over my knee and do it now.” He did as he was told and I clearly explained in between swats with my paddle why I was dissatisfied with his behavior. (button)


In our old relationship VK’s attitude and my annoyance would probably have lasted all day and accomplished nothing at all except ruin our weekend. But the spanking diffused tension immediately and left us both feeling satisfied (and his ass stinging). He pulled up his jeans, I hugged him, we kissed and we went on to work hard together all day, side by side. That night we went out again. During the drive to the restaurant I told him I just might start carrying his collar and leash in my purse so that its handy if he misbehaves while we are out (button). I wore a skirt, left my panties at home (button) and made sure I flashed him several times during the evening (more buttons). We danced that night and I whispered in his ear what a good man I think he is and how much I love him for everything he does for me (button). Later, we got in our hot tub. I teased him to arousal with my feet (button) and sat on his erection (button) but then I got myself off with a jet while he watched (button). He got no release.


It was a great day for ME and for VeezKnight. So was the rest of our weekend and holiday. VK is still talking about it--- not just the fun parts but also the hours and hours we worked our asses off together at a house we are renovating. This is largely because I pushed his submissive buttons and flaunted my sexuality. Amazing but true. A few weeks ago I instructed VK to make me a list of his submissive buttons--- not that I will necessarily entertain all of them, but just for my reference and consideration. Based on some of what he’s written here, none of them were much of a surprise. But now I know. I can tell you that in the future Goddess V will be pushing more of VeezKnight’s submissive buttons--- pushing them harder and more frequently--- and probably discovering a few he doesn’t know he has…yet. [grin]


Goddess V