Labels, Tags and No-Speak


I’ve mentioned before that I belong to a forum called She Makes The Rules, which BTW is a place you need to be if you are interested in or are practicing a female-led relationship. Anyway, I posted there recently and the long and short of it is that I prompted a discussion about the terms femdom versus FLR. If one can judge by some of the member commentary, it would seem that the word femdom is becoming unpopular among those involved in legitimate female-led relationships. Apparently it’s become too closely associated with the proliferation of male-generated porn that depicts men being physically dominated and abused by mean, whip-wielding, leather-clad dominatrices.

Thus the term femdom connotes, shall we say, less savory activities in which people in this lifestyle do not necessary engage. In so doing, it panders to unrealistic male sexual fantasies, which, as most would agree, are decidedly unappealing to most women. The irony then, is that in the minds of some, especially those who are in or considering this lifestyle, the femdom moniker conveys a dynamic that is male-centric and male-focused. This of course is exactly opposite what this lifestyle is “suppose” to be all about. As you may imagine, those in the do-not-use camp, have a problem with this.

As I pointed out in a previous post, I haven’t been very active or tuned in to Internet discussions of this lifestyle over the last year or more. So I was surprised by the pushback regarding use of the word femdom. Since my interest and subsequent involvement in this lifestyle back in 2005, I’ve used terms such as femdom, female-led relationship (FLR), wife-led relationship (WLR) and loving female authority (LFA) almost interchangeably. For my money, femdom has been nothing more than an amalgamation of the words female and dominant. It seemed wonderfully descriptive, and if in fact it cuts with more of an edge than the terms FLR or LFA, it seemed perfectly apropos.

The hijacking of the word femdom notwithstanding, I think we sometimes get too caught up in the use of names, tags and labels. I find myself using the word queer. Hey, it’s a go-to word when I think something is odd or offbeat, but I often receive a look of disapproval from my daughter, who, BTW, is a lesbian. (She asserts that my ability to arrange flowers and decorate the home is clear indication that I am responsible for giving her the “gay gene,” but that’s a story for another day.) We’re headed that way with the word gay as well. What happened to “Don we now our gay apparel,” which did not originally mean wrapping one’s self in a rainbow flag.

Surprisingly, there was once a lengthy discussion in the SMTR forum about adding the word submissive to the No-Speak list when referring to the man’s role in a FLR. This because of negative connotations; you know, images of a doormat, wimp, wuss, namby-pamby, pantywaist and so forth. Some members held that uxorious is a better descriptor, except that your average person has no idea what uxorious means, and when you look is up, the word submissive is used in the definition. “Hey honey, I was thinking that it would be good for our marriage if I was uxorious and you acted like the goddess that you are.” GoddessV would have replied, “Damnit, why can’t you be normal and use regular words!” Umm, regular I am, but normal? Not so much.

I’m not going to worry too much about perceived meanings, connotations or implications of certain terms. For the time being, I’ll keep femdom in my vocabulary and cross my fingers in hopes it doesn’t alienate too many folks in or around the female-led lifestyle.  ~VK

The times, they are a changin'...


It's been over a year and a half since I blogged with any degree of regularity and followed a handful of other blogs dealing with female-led relationships. Recently I took a quick tour through blog land, following links from one to another. All I can say is WTF. FemDom blogs are much different than they used to be.

First off, there seems to be a lot more of them. Secondly, a few years ago most blogs were written by men, many of whom fantasized about being dominated by a woman, less by husbands who were actually living the dream. Scattered among them were a few that were supposedly written by dominant women, and of those, I'd always suspected most were actually written by men as a means of feeding their hungry fantasies.

Today there is no dearth of blogs authored by dominant women often sharing personal and graphic accounts of 24/7 relationships with their submissive and often sissy (more about that in a subsequent post) husbands. There's also no shortage of blogs maintained by submissive husbands with a seemingly intense interest in being cuckolded by their dominant wives. Many of these blogs, as well as others—even those penned by “dominant wives”—are filled with explicit images depicting various acts that can be (but are not necessarily) a part of a wife-led lifestyle. The end result is that a large portion of today’s FemDom blogs have a decidedly pornographic look.

Look, I'm no Puritan. I can appreciate a hot, sexually explicit visual as much as the next guy, but I'm gonna plant a flag in the ground here and now by saying that in my opinion, this shift in blogging about FemDom and wife-led marriages in general is not one for the better. It could be that I'm just getting old and too out of touch with the world. But when I first started this blog it was a way of working through my own feelings and to provide encouragement to other men, some who had "come out" but probably more who were still terrified at thought of confessing submissive desires to their wives. And it wasn't to pander to male sexual fantasies.

I also thought it a good idea to do this blogging thing using a style that hopefully would not immediately alienate or offend a woman visitor. This in case a husband wanted to point his unsuspecting wife toward my little corner of cyberspace to help explain what was going on in her husband's head. For the life of me I can't imagine a woman landing on any of today's sexually explicit blogs without regarding it as simply an extension of Internet pornography. News flash: it's not women who are driving the porn industry! Nothing says male-created porn like close-ups of female genitalia and women with semen-covered faces.

Anyway, I'm thinking if I continue with this blog, it will be to maintain the position of that original flag in the ground. So alas, you won't find tons of sexually explicit images on this blog. Okay, maybe some nudity because I happen to see great beauty in the nude female form. But apart from that you'll find mostly honest FemDom-oriented ruminations of a happily married middle-aged couple who are still exploring their way through a mutually satisfying wife-led relationship.  ~VK

Back in the Saddle?

It's hard to believe it's been close to two years since I last posted here. There have been moments during that time when I was tempted to delete this blog, but now I'm rather glad I didn't. A lot of things have changed in my life, and while many of them do not center around FemDom per se, most relate to it in one way or another, even it only indirectly. So I'm thinking that perhaps it's time to start blogging again.