Thank You for That

A reader wrote to me saying, “I am forever trying to let my wife know how, particularly in non sexual, but also sexual, ways that she can frame things in such a way as it pushes my submissive buttons. I have tried to tell her she does not always have to say thank you for all the things I do for her, but she says she is a mannerly Lady and enjoys saying Thank You. I understand, but cannot get her to understand all the things she could do that would not be too overt that would reinforce her Domination over me.”

(Incidentally, if we post a quote from an email we’ve received, we do not include it here without first obtaining approval from the sender.)

First off, it seems to me that because feminine power over the male stems from female sexuality, all methods a woman may use to reinforce her dominance over a submissive man will have roots in sexuality. Certain activities or methods may be more subtle and less overt than others, but they will have sexual overtones in the male’s mind nonetheless. Sexuality, that of both the male and the female, provides the fuel that powers the FemDom engine.

One of the challenges in adopting and maintaining a FemDom relationship involves understanding that the psyche of a submissive male is such that it needs reinforcement. This is not to say he needs convincing that his role should be that of the submissive. Not in the least. A submissive male merely wants positive affirmation that he will be dominated and is expected to submit. Intense reminders such as discipline sessions and various bedroom activities go a long way to reinforce a woman's dominant status in a relationship. However, these activities typically require planning and opportunity, and because family and other obligations can interfere (those with children in the home know this all too well). Therefore it’s likely they won’t occur with enough frequency to satisfy the male's desire. The word insatiable comes to mind [grin].

Less overt daily reminders can therefore become very important. I don't think that a woman who is growing into her dominant role in a relationship initially appreciates the importance of this. I also suspect it takes a while for her to fully comprehend that it is not necessarily a dominant act itself that makes things click in the submissive male’s mind, but rather, it is how the act makes him feel.

On the surface, having to push buttons day in and day out may sound like a lot of extra and unwanted work for a dominant woman. And after all, FemDom is supposed to make life easier for a woman, not more complicated. One might also ask: doesn’t this amount to a woman pandering to a man’s needy and selfish submissive nature? Not really. The need to be reminded of his submissive role is an integral component of male desire to submit to female authority. It is part of his hardwiring and cannot be short-circuited. In and of itself it accounts for much of the pleasure he derives from being dominated by her. And that, as they say, is that.

A dominant woman need only accept this and learn to use it to her advantage. All worthwhile endeavors in this world require effort. Show me a happy marriage, vanilla or otherwise, and I’ll show you two people who are dedicated, committed and willing to expend the effort necessary to achieve that happy marriage. I believe this is what builds passion, for the individuals and for the relationship they share. In this respect, a FemDom marriage is no different. With a little thought, imagination and practice, (and possibly a bit of compromise as we shall see below) a dominant woman can push her man’s submissive buttons with very little effort. The more she does so, the greater his service.

I responded to the reader I quoted at the beginning of this post by saying that I see nothing wrong with his wife’s desire to say Thank You. For her this is a matter of good manners and being polite as a way of showing appreciation and respect for all that her husband does for her. There is nothing written in the Dominant Woman’s Handbook of Female Authority that precludes her from acting accordingly. However I suggested to the reader that he in turn might suggest to his wife that she alter her phraseology when thanking him. Instead of simply saying, “Thank you,” she might say, "Thank you, my slave;” or "Thank you; you're such a thoughtful sub;" or "Thank you; aren't you a good servant." This way his wife can maintain her sense of manners, yet remind him of his submissive role in their marriage.

Having said this, I’ll also add that Goddess V often says, “Thank you.” This doesn’t bother me, as I understand she does this because she believes in being polite and respectful, and because she truly appreciates things I do for her. So she likes to respond in kind as my wife and not always as a domme. And shouldn’t that be her prerogative considering she IS the one in authority in our marriage?

Here are suggestions for some less intense ways of pushing a submissive man’s buttons. Most of these undoubtedly are not original as there’s really nothing new under the sun, and FemDom is no exception. Some of these may work for some folks and not for others. All personalities, likes and dislikes vary. Oh, and BTW, in my opinion, none of these need be done in a harsh, demeaning, mean, nasty, humiliating, degrading or condescending manner. Good nature, humor and a smile go a long way in life, and once again, FemDom is no exception.

  1. Send him emails in which you mention his submissive behavior or address him as your sub, slave, knight, servant, boytoy or whatever. Or send text messages.

  2. Have him wear panties to work, preferably yours and preferably dirty. Not every day: it’ll become too routine. Ask him what his coworkers would think if they knew he was wearing your panties.

  3. Give him an allowance and require he account for his expenditures.

  4. Tell him to buy a chastity device. No negotiation, no discussion.

  5. Lock him up periodically. Leave it on for a day or two or seven, or however long you wish, so he never knows how long he’ll be locked up. Always be the one to lock and unlock the device. Make a point of inspecting it daily and teasing him about being at your mercy. Be sure to have him service you while wearing it.

  6. Have him keep a journal in which he records his thoughts and submissive feelings. Read it once a week while he kneels naked at your feet.

  7. Make a habit of sliding your hand (or foot) into his crotch and saying something like, “Getting to be a horny sub are we?” Or, “Since Mr. Willy belongs only to me, I can fondle him whenever I wish—but you may not.” Or say nothing at all: just smile and give him a kiss on the cheek or a pat on the head.

  8. Have him kneel before you and kiss your feet.

  9. Have him give you foot massages and pedicures.

  10. Have him lick and suck your toes.

  11. Send a picture of your pussy to his cell phone with a message like, “This is the center of your world. Don’t forget it.”

  12. Insist he read some of your “women’s magazines” and romance novels if you read them.

  13. Have him kneel naked before you and profess his devotion to you as his Goddess. “Hold Court” so to speak and do this several times a week.

  14. Have him wear a collar around the house.

  15. Attach a leash to this collar and lead him anywhere you wish.

  16. Have him perform household chores in the nude while you are clothed.

  17. Have him give you full body massages.

  18. Have him insert a butt plug just before company arrives or before you both go out for an evening. Smile at him whenever he sits down.

  19. Don’t “ask” him to do something. Tell him. “Make me a cup of tea.” “I want you to paint the den this weekend.” “I expect you in the bedroom, naked and on your knees in 3 minutes.”

  20. Ask for explanations. “Why haven’t you made our bed yet?” “Why don’t you have dinner ready?”

  21. Beckon him with your finger.

  22. Take every opportunity to flash him.

  23. Wear especially sexy or revealing outfits.

  24. Have him go shopping with you to carry your purse and packages.

  25. Always pay the check when you go out to eat.

  26. Insist he thank you for disciplining him.

  27. Queen him.

  28. Develop a tone of voice when requiring something of him or expressing your displeasure over something. It’ll be your “domme voice.”

Gimme a Sign


I’ve read many times where, mostly submissive men, have expressed a desire for a universal symbol signifying FemDom and Female Leadership. I think having such a sign or symbol is a terrific idea, one that’s way past due I might add. Most men, women and couples who practice this lifestyle aren’t out there advertising the fact, electing to keep it part of their private lives. So a FemDom symbol that’s known by men and women who are amenable toward female authority, leadership and dominance would make it easier to identify one another.

For single people, it would surely make dating so much easier. No more wondering or worrying over how or when to drop the F or S-bombs. It would also make it easier for couples to network. Many have no local FemDom groups they can join for support. Others are hesitant or too intimidated to join a group. Goddess V and I have often seen another couple who, for one reason or another, we suspect might be into this lifestyle. Yet we never know for sure. If we did, we’d be more likely to mention the subject to compare notes and generally support each other.

Sadly, to my knowledge, so far no one has come up with a symbol that has caught on. It’s been said that a married women who wears an ankle bracelet and a wedding ring is signaling that she cuckolds her husband. I suppose that may have been true at one time (although I seriously doubt it), but judging by the number of women I see wearing anklets these days, it certainly couldn’t be true any longer. Even if it were still true, there’s no symbol for the rest of the women and men who comprise the majority of the FemDom ranks.

On Elise Sutton’s website there has been discussion about this over the years. A few suggestions have been tendered but nothing has ever become of it. Recently a reader wrote to mention a website where someone has designed and posted downloadable symbols that represent the D/S lifestyle. There are separate symbols for male and female dominants, male and female submissives and also a flag to signify the D/S lifestyle in general. A great deal of thought and reasoning went into the designs, but to me, from a FemDom or FLR point of view, they don’t quite fill the bill. FemDom by definition involves D/S (dominance/submission). The female dominates. However the general D/S lifestyle makes no distinction between male or female dominance. I think it is essential that any symbol representing FemDom should clearly express male submission to female dominance. So I took a crack at it myself.

I wanted a design that incorporates both symbols for male and female. After all, FemDom and Female Leadership is all about man and woman coming together in a caring and loving relationship. So this symbol draws on elements that are already known to all. The female gender symbol by the way is derived from the astronomical symbol for the planet Venus, the cross represents the hand mirror of Venus, Roman goddess of love and beauty. I simply rotated the symbol so that the cross that is normally at the bottom of the circle is now at the top. This puts the female in the position of authority where she belongs (think “Venus on Top”).

The male gender symbol is derived from the astronomical symbol for the planet Mars. The arrow, which traditionally is positioned on the upper right side of the circle, represents the spear of Mars, Roman god of war, who was originally the Roman god of fertility, protector of cattle, fields and boundaries. In my version the arrow no long juts outward at a jaunty angle like an erect penis. Instead it is repositioned inside the circle to represent being encompassed (or collared if you prefer) by female authority. In submission, the penis now points downward to signify female control over the male’s sexuality.

I wanted my FemDom symbol to represent female love and beauty, embracing, yet containing and controlling male intrepid sexuality and bold demeanor. I purposely did not join the three elements because I wanted to convey dominant/submissive individuality. It’s only when they appear in relationship to one another that they read together to define and compliment each other’s respective dominant and submissive roles.

In addition, if you remove the arrow, the symbol still reads well as being a symbol for the female. On the other hand, if you remove the cross leaving only arrow inside the circle, it looks more like an elevator “down” button than a symbol for the male gender. That’s appropriate considering how the male’s demeanor tends to be more base-oriented than a female’s. It’s also indicative of how the female is more capable of maintaining her identity and a sense of purpose in the absence of the male, more so than the male can in the absence of the female. Only when the cross is present does it become clear that this symbol incorporates traditional male and female elements. In my mind, this perfectly illustrates how introduction of female influence helps define the male’s identity.

A woman notices the guy seated next to her is wearing cufflinks on which the FemDom symbol is embossed. Or he notices she is woman wearing a FemDom charm on her bracelet or anklet. Or on a pair of sterling silver dangly earrings. A submissive husband wears a stamped gold ingot on a chain around his neck as a symbolic collar. A dominant wife gives her husband a logo’d coffee mug so that every time he takes a sip of his favorite beverage he’s reminded of who is in charge in their marriage. How about a T-shirt or beach towel? A bumper or window sticker on the car? A garden flag on the front lawn? Sports gear for workouts at the local fitness center? A line of log’d bedroom toys and leather gear? And for the not too faint-of-heart, an unobtrusive tattoo on the forearm or ankle?

I know, wishful thinking... and damn na├»ve at best. Whatchya’ll think?