Thank You for That

A reader wrote to me saying, “I am forever trying to let my wife know how, particularly in non sexual, but also sexual, ways that she can frame things in such a way as it pushes my submissive buttons. I have tried to tell her she does not always have to say thank you for all the things I do for her, but she says she is a mannerly Lady and enjoys saying Thank You. I understand, but cannot get her to understand all the things she could do that would not be too overt that would reinforce her Domination over me.”

(Incidentally, if we post a quote from an email we’ve received, we do not include it here without first obtaining approval from the sender.)

First off, it seems to me that because feminine power over the male stems from female sexuality, all methods a woman may use to reinforce her dominance over a submissive man will have roots in sexuality. Certain activities or methods may be more subtle and less overt than others, but they will have sexual overtones in the male’s mind nonetheless. Sexuality, that of both the male and the female, provides the fuel that powers the FemDom engine.

One of the challenges in adopting and maintaining a FemDom relationship involves understanding that the psyche of a submissive male is such that it needs reinforcement. This is not to say he needs convincing that his role should be that of the submissive. Not in the least. A submissive male merely wants positive affirmation that he will be dominated and is expected to submit. Intense reminders such as discipline sessions and various bedroom activities go a long way to reinforce a woman's dominant status in a relationship. However, these activities typically require planning and opportunity, and because family and other obligations can interfere (those with children in the home know this all too well). Therefore it’s likely they won’t occur with enough frequency to satisfy the male's desire. The word insatiable comes to mind [grin].

Less overt daily reminders can therefore become very important. I don't think that a woman who is growing into her dominant role in a relationship initially appreciates the importance of this. I also suspect it takes a while for her to fully comprehend that it is not necessarily a dominant act itself that makes things click in the submissive male’s mind, but rather, it is how the act makes him feel.

On the surface, having to push buttons day in and day out may sound like a lot of extra and unwanted work for a dominant woman. And after all, FemDom is supposed to make life easier for a woman, not more complicated. One might also ask: doesn’t this amount to a woman pandering to a man’s needy and selfish submissive nature? Not really. The need to be reminded of his submissive role is an integral component of male desire to submit to female authority. It is part of his hardwiring and cannot be short-circuited. In and of itself it accounts for much of the pleasure he derives from being dominated by her. And that, as they say, is that.

A dominant woman need only accept this and learn to use it to her advantage. All worthwhile endeavors in this world require effort. Show me a happy marriage, vanilla or otherwise, and I’ll show you two people who are dedicated, committed and willing to expend the effort necessary to achieve that happy marriage. I believe this is what builds passion, for the individuals and for the relationship they share. In this respect, a FemDom marriage is no different. With a little thought, imagination and practice, (and possibly a bit of compromise as we shall see below) a dominant woman can push her man’s submissive buttons with very little effort. The more she does so, the greater his service.

I responded to the reader I quoted at the beginning of this post by saying that I see nothing wrong with his wife’s desire to say Thank You. For her this is a matter of good manners and being polite as a way of showing appreciation and respect for all that her husband does for her. There is nothing written in the Dominant Woman’s Handbook of Female Authority that precludes her from acting accordingly. However I suggested to the reader that he in turn might suggest to his wife that she alter her phraseology when thanking him. Instead of simply saying, “Thank you,” she might say, "Thank you, my slave;” or "Thank you; you're such a thoughtful sub;" or "Thank you; aren't you a good servant." This way his wife can maintain her sense of manners, yet remind him of his submissive role in their marriage.

Having said this, I’ll also add that Goddess V often says, “Thank you.” This doesn’t bother me, as I understand she does this because she believes in being polite and respectful, and because she truly appreciates things I do for her. So she likes to respond in kind as my wife and not always as a domme. And shouldn’t that be her prerogative considering she IS the one in authority in our marriage?

Here are suggestions for some less intense ways of pushing a submissive man’s buttons. Most of these undoubtedly are not original as there’s really nothing new under the sun, and FemDom is no exception. Some of these may work for some folks and not for others. All personalities, likes and dislikes vary. Oh, and BTW, in my opinion, none of these need be done in a harsh, demeaning, mean, nasty, humiliating, degrading or condescending manner. Good nature, humor and a smile go a long way in life, and once again, FemDom is no exception.

  1. Send him emails in which you mention his submissive behavior or address him as your sub, slave, knight, servant, boytoy or whatever. Or send text messages.

  2. Have him wear panties to work, preferably yours and preferably dirty. Not every day: it’ll become too routine. Ask him what his coworkers would think if they knew he was wearing your panties.

  3. Give him an allowance and require he account for his expenditures.

  4. Tell him to buy a chastity device. No negotiation, no discussion.

  5. Lock him up periodically. Leave it on for a day or two or seven, or however long you wish, so he never knows how long he’ll be locked up. Always be the one to lock and unlock the device. Make a point of inspecting it daily and teasing him about being at your mercy. Be sure to have him service you while wearing it.

  6. Have him keep a journal in which he records his thoughts and submissive feelings. Read it once a week while he kneels naked at your feet.

  7. Make a habit of sliding your hand (or foot) into his crotch and saying something like, “Getting to be a horny sub are we?” Or, “Since Mr. Willy belongs only to me, I can fondle him whenever I wish—but you may not.” Or say nothing at all: just smile and give him a kiss on the cheek or a pat on the head.

  8. Have him kneel before you and kiss your feet.

  9. Have him give you foot massages and pedicures.

  10. Have him lick and suck your toes.

  11. Send a picture of your pussy to his cell phone with a message like, “This is the center of your world. Don’t forget it.”

  12. Insist he read some of your “women’s magazines” and romance novels if you read them.

  13. Have him kneel naked before you and profess his devotion to you as his Goddess. “Hold Court” so to speak and do this several times a week.

  14. Have him wear a collar around the house.

  15. Attach a leash to this collar and lead him anywhere you wish.

  16. Have him perform household chores in the nude while you are clothed.

  17. Have him give you full body massages.

  18. Have him insert a butt plug just before company arrives or before you both go out for an evening. Smile at him whenever he sits down.

  19. Don’t “ask” him to do something. Tell him. “Make me a cup of tea.” “I want you to paint the den this weekend.” “I expect you in the bedroom, naked and on your knees in 3 minutes.”

  20. Ask for explanations. “Why haven’t you made our bed yet?” “Why don’t you have dinner ready?”

  21. Beckon him with your finger.

  22. Take every opportunity to flash him.

  23. Wear especially sexy or revealing outfits.

  24. Have him go shopping with you to carry your purse and packages.

  25. Always pay the check when you go out to eat.

  26. Insist he thank you for disciplining him.

  27. Queen him.

  28. Develop a tone of voice when requiring something of him or expressing your displeasure over something. It’ll be your “domme voice.”


Queen'sKnight1 said...

Those are some very good suggestions and you are spot on with what you said about marriage.

Perhaps you and Goddess V should consider writing a book entitled Female Led Marriage. Elise Sutton is offering her new book via Lulu Press (as do the Addison's for their books). As a print on demand service, the publication costs are much less. I'd certainly buy a book by the two of you.

Also, I'm very glad to see that you are a new member of the Female Led Relationships discussion board.

VeezKnight said...

Thank you. I am aware of Lulu Press. And since writing comprises a large part of what I do for a living, the thought of writing a book has crossed our minds more than once.

sub hubbie said...

Thanks for that post. I identify so much with all that you've said. I am tempted to print your article off and pass it to my Wife to read, but as you might detect if you read my last 5 blog posts, I'm getting very insecure in my FemDom relationship because my Wife does not do the things you advocate....

CJ said...

That slave needs to shut his trap and when his Queen says "Thank you" he needs to say "You are welcome my beautiful Queen."

He's lucky to have someone to play his reindeer games at all... the nerve to criticize how his wife dominates him!

Maybe if someone shit all over him he'd appreciate his wife's loving dominant ways.

Anonymous said...

This is crazy stuff!

No way would I ever submit to any woman in this manner.

Freedom and equality or nothing, thank you very much.

I can't help but think that any male desiring this has got some serious issues from childhood or his parents. Bizarre.

But whatever floats your boat, I guess. I guess with me it's freedom and equality, and yes, I was dominated by my parents. Never again! Ha ha!

VeezKnight said...

I am constantly amazed at how some people think. Anonymous wrote:

"...any male desiring this has got some serious issues from childhood or his parents. ...with me it's freedom and equality, and yes, I was dominated by my parents. Never again! Ha ha"

Talk about having serious issues with one's parents!

Anonymous said...


Sexual sizzle. For excellent, insightful discussion, read this: