The gift of autonomy in a wife-led marriage


I said this early on when I started this blog, but it bears repeating. There is no set of rules or guidelines for a wife-led marriage or FemDom marriage. This dynamic, lifestyle, or however one cares to refers to it, can include or exclude anything the husband and wife decide on.

Ummm, I take that back. Gentlemen, your wife-led marriage, your FemDom relationship should include whatever your wife decides to include. No more. No less. Sorry, guys, by definition, that’s the way a female-led relationship shakes out. There's a very popular FLR forum called She Makes the Rules. The female moderators who own and run that show chose the SMTR name for a darn good reason. In a wife-led marriage, or any female-led relationship, the female gets to make the rules... ALL OF THE RULES.

This infers that the wife controls and is responsible for everything in the relationship. Not so. What it really means is that she has autonomy, and autonomy is something entirely different from control. When a man gives his woman the gift of autonomy, it allows her to be truly free from control, specifically, as this relates to influence from him. He forfeits the right to get pissy when he suggests,“Honey, you should probably wear stilettos, and maybe some leather.”——and she responds with, "I don't think so!" When a woman wears autonomy in her relationship, it allows her the freedom to assign her own interpretation of what’s significant and what’s not, with the end result focused not on those stilettos and leather that hubby wants, but rather, on shaping the relationship into one that is more rewarding, more enjoyable and more personally fulfilling for her.

Sounds simple, right? It isn't. Largely this is due to preconceived notions on what male submission to loving female authority and dominance is all about. Apart from the kink aspects that seems to be automatically associated with the FemDom lifestyle, people pretty much think of dominant women as nasty bitches and of submissive men as wimpy doormats. Is it any wonder the typical woman resists adopting this lifestyle? I could be old-fashioned, but in my opinion, women do not generally want to be see as being nasty bitches (although Goddess V will tell you that is oft times what they are). I read somewhere something written by a dominant woman who said that women want control, they just don’t want to be seen as wanting it. Maybe so, I don’t know. But I do know that women do not want a wimpy doormat for a husband or partner.

Making matters worse, inept communicators as they often are, men have difficulty explaining the true nature of the vision as we see it. Because it truly does include so much more than stilettos and leather. I’ll go out on a limb and say: If men were as proficient and courageous as women at communicating their deepest, inner most feelings, the vast majority of relationships would be female-led to the extent that the women would overtly and shamelessly dominant their men.

FemDom by any other name


I got to thinking it might be a good idea to restate what may (or may not) seem to some to be the obvious. Quite a few terms are bandied about when it comes to this particular mindset or lifestyle. Below I've listed some of the ones I’ve seen, and I’m sure there are more. In my mind, they all pretty much mean the same thing: the male submits to the authority of a dominant female. Our blog is about this dynamic taking place in a marriage; thus, I would fine tune it by saying “male submission to a loving, dominant female”

Unfortunately all marriages do not necessarily include the L-word. Ours however includes lots of it, so that descriptor works for us quite well. For me, the love element, more so than any other aspect of this lifestyle, is most important. There are some men for whom the need to be dominated by a woman is so strong, that if for one reason or another this need is not satisfied by the wife, they will seek it outside the marriage. I’m not one of those guys.

  • Female Authority
  • Loving Female Authority
  • Caring Female Authority
  • FemDom
  • Female Domination
  • Female-Led Relationship
  • Wife-Led Relationship
  • Wife-Led Marriage

I suspect the term people shy away from more than any other is the term FemDom, which is shorthand for female domination. Undoubtedly this is because it conjures up images of a leather-clad, whip-wielding dominatrix doing all sorts of humiliating things to her male submissive. The nasty D-word is the culprit. By definition, the word is threatening. If you take the word out of the equation, things begin to take on a decidedly less threatening shade of blue… or is that black/blue. In fact, since women seem to have a way of ending up controlling most marriages, descriptors such as “Female-Led Relationship” begin to sound downright mainstream.

My advice is not to get too hung up on the terms themselves. Goddess V does not dress up in leather and whip me senseless until I’m reduced to a quivering mass of humiliated pond scum. Yet I have no problem referring to our relationship as one that is FemDom based. After all, Goddess V is a female and she does assume a dominant role to which I submit. Bingo. Whatever else our relationship may or may not include, the term FemDom is perfectly appropriate.

Whoa, who knew...


… it would be an entire year between posts on this blog. Actually, after several months had passed without posting, I began to pretty much assume I would let this blog fade into oblivion. I simply didn’t feel as though I had much of anything worthwhile to impart. You know how it goes, you find yourself repeating things you had said in the past, almost like a senior citizen recounts ad nauseam events that happened 40 years ago. THAT can get old real fast.

The other day I went through my bookmarked blogs and was surprised (but not really) to find that half of them had been deleted. Hell, even Emily and Ken at AHF are having a tough go of it keeping their monthly Q/A letters current. Never fear though, over at Yes, I’m a Submissive Man, John is still posting prolifically (and still longing to be collared and Queened—no offense, John).

Then I logged in here on our blog and truly WAS surprised. We still average nearly 190 unique visitors per day. If I can believe StatCounter, just this week there have been 1,400 unique visitors and 1,200 first-time visitors. And to date this year, there have been over 70,000 page loads. Holy crap! Seems there are a great many more people interested in this lifestyle than one might initially guess.

Goddess V and I discussed this and she “suggested” that I continue to post. That was easy for her to say since I’m the one who must make it so. Never mind that I’m both the writer and the submissive in our relationship. Of course it makes even more sense when I consider the original intent for maintaining this blog was mainly to encourage and legitimize interest in Female-Led Relationships, Loving Female Authority and FemDom in general.

So considering the continued interest in this lifestyle, I’ll attempt to pick up where I left off over one year ago. I’ll share some of the challenges we face in keeping our FemDom relationship alive in the face of real life, because life insists on intervening, not just on ya’ll but on Goddess V and me as well. I’ll also share thoughts on some new directions we are considering, as well as how and why we are increasingly less concerned with how others may see us and more intent on living a lifestyle that works for us.