Purple But Definitely Not Barney


Something's been bugging me lately. I have a lot of women friends who are into middle age. Most are married or in a relationship. And hardly any admit to using a vibrator. Most say they've never used one… end of conversation. I mean, what's the deal? Are they too embarrassed to admit using one. Are they telling me the truth? Somebody out there is buying all those toys being sold on the Internet. These are middle age women who should be smarter than that. They need to wake up and smell the coffee.

This is weird to me especially considering how I often hear innuendos from them (and their husbands) that sex isn't what it used to be. Part of the reason for that is because some of the men (and who knows, maybe most of them) are experiencing performance problems. I'm not saying EVERY woman's best friend is a vibrator, but of the women I've talked to who admit to using one, they say they LOVE it. So why no “toys” to spice things up?

For me one of the unexpected benefits of submitting to a dominant woman is that it has taken the pressure off of me to “perform” in the more traditional manner. I guess like many men, I've experienced concerns about my sexual prowess, especially in later years as erectile dysfunction has reared its ugly head (no pun intended). Truthfully, this concern was born far more out of my desire to please the woman I love than it was my ego as a red-blooded male. Deep down inside, I think most men just want to please their woman sexually. Unfortunately we are conditioned to think that this necessarily involves great cockmanship.

I think some men are reluctant to introduce a vibrator in the bedroom because they're afraid their wives may like it too much and prefer it to their man's penis. A woman may be reluctant to use a vibrator, or admit she likes it as much as she does because she doesn't want to offend her man's sense of ego. None of this has to be if a woman and her man would just communicate honestly about what they want and like… and be willing to maybe step outside their comfort zones a little.

Pre-FemDom we had used a vibrator now and then. I don't know that I felt threatened by it's use, just that it was okay, provided it was not a regular practice, and certainly not as a substitute for intercourse. Goddess V didn't frequently insist on bringing out her vibrating friend, and when we did use it, in retrospect I suspect she was being gracious enough not to be overly enthusiastic about it.

This may come as a disappointment to men, but most women don't reach orgasm as result of intercourse alone. Maybe once in a while we can if the mood is just right, but usually there needs to be foreplay to build up to it. That involves the tongue because the truth is the tongue is way mightier than the penis. And I've gotta say, the vibrator is even mightier than the tongue. When you combine a tongue with a vibrator… and add in some G-spot stimulation at the hand of the man you love… it's an unbeatable combo that will rock your world like nothing else can. Or is it just me?

Mostly by being aware of my partner's reaction, I learned the need to set the stage with manual or oral stimulation. But it was always foreplay. It was setting the stage for intercourse and seldom the main even in itself. In this regard, the term foreplay itself is unfortunate because it categorizes any sexual activity other than intercourse as just that: play before something to follow. My thinking changed as I grew older, which is another reason why FemDom made sense to me. I began to see orgasm (her's and mine) and intercourse as separate things, each equally good, but separate nonetheless. One could easily happen without the other with no resulting feelings of unhappiness or inadequacy. It is love between a man and a woman that makes each wonderful in its own right.

A great thing about FemDom is that it puts a woman's sexual gratification in proper perspective. It's all about HER. This DOESN'T mean no more intercourse. VK and I still do that, just maybe not as much or with the same expectations. Which is okay because I know he'll agree that our sex life is better than ever. Different but better. I'm still learning that, in a way, it's a responsibility I've taken on that I didn't have before. Because now that I am free to enjoy sex any way I want it, with or without intercourse, with no apology or guilt or sense of obligation, if I don't make the most of it, I have no one to blame but myself.

From my standpoint I've learned that love, intimacy and even sex itself is not all about the penis. I don't feel the least bit threatened, intimated or belittled in knowing that when it comes to pure physical pleasure, my penis is second or third choice. Quite the contrary, I experience an immense feeling of empowerment and satisfaction in being able to give Goddess V pleasure even though it may not be through intercourse. In the end, I feel as if I've actually become (and am still becoming) a better sexual partner than I ever was in vanilla life.

Spanking: Punishment or Discipline?

When VK gave me Elise Sutton's book, I wasn't all that shocked with what I read. I had always been a dominant woman, but most just called me "Bossy". I would laugh at that, but deep down I knew these people, both male and female, wanted what I had. VK used to ask me how I became the person I am. All I could say was that I am a very positive, open-minded person and always have been. I am not sure what makes us one way or another, but I do know that I want what I want when it comes to men. Women have always told me I am "lucky.” I laughed about that too. I don't call it luck at all. I call it wanting what you want and not settling for anything less.

When I read Sutton’s book, in the back of my head I was thinking "I could have written this," maybe not when it came to all she had to say about FemDom, but I already knew and agreed with everything she said about how a relationship should be between a woman and her man. This made it fairly easy for me to go from being just “bossy” to being a dominant Goddess in a female-led marriage. Spankings were something VK spoke of early on in our relationship, way before we started this lifestyle. So I knew this was something he needed. I think he was always submissive and didn't know it. He was raised in a "Leave it to Beaver” household. Lets face it, I think Ward was submissive and June was a "Dominate Woman". It may not have appeared that way, but I have learned one thing as I’ve gotten older--- nothing is ever as it seems.

If I spoke about spanking early in our relationship, I don’t think it was because I felt as if I needed it. Not on a conscious level anyway. I might have thought it could be fun once in a while just to spice things up. We joked about it now and then amongst ourselves and even with friends, but I never imagined that spanking would become a part of our relationship. I don’t know that I “needed” to have my ass spanked on a regular basis. Of course that was then and this is now. These days I admit that I really do need it, but not for the reasons one might think.

I use spankings as a way of keeping VK in line and to remind him who is the “Boss” :-). I honestly have gotta say he doesn't step out of bounds very often, but if and when he does something I especially don't like, I try to correct it right then and there. He may protest at first, but the pants do come down and he will go over my lap. But because we have grown kids at home, that often is not possible, so I’ll make a note to address the issue later when we have our privacy. In that case I’ll give him some extra hard swats with the paddle and tell him what he did that displeased me.

A couple of weeks ago I did step out of line. It wasn’t what I did, but rather what I didn’t do. I left on a Sunday morning for a business trip and forgot to call Goddess V when I had arrived safely at my destination. This, despite the fact that on my way out the door she reminded me to call her. Chalk it up as preoccupation with my job, misalignment of priorities or sheer stupidity. Whatever, it was clearly a screw up for which I deserved to be in the dog house. When I finally did call, Goddess V would not take my call. She didn’t speak to me until late afternoon the following day.

As any woman knows, not calling me was unacceptable, inconsiderate behavior. I don’t care how busy VK was. After a few hours of being annoyed, I got over it, but no way was I going to talk to him when he finally did call. I knew that cutting off his line of communication with me would feel worse than any spanking could. Mind you, 24 hours of zero communications with me didn’t get him totally off the hook though. The next weekend I had him kneeling naked at my feet, wearing his collar and licking my boots. That was a first for us and was something I’d been planning to try. While he was down there on his hands and knees and licking away, I gave his ass a few good swats with the paddle as a warm-up before turning him over my knee. I think I spanked him a little harder than usual as I reminded him how inconsiderate he had been. And by the way, I discovered I like having my man licking my boots… more than I thought I might… LOL. I told VK he can expect to be doing that a lot more in the future.

Goddess V is so right about how no communications with her made me feel horrible. It was my punishment for being an inconsiderate asshole. My greatest joy in life is my interaction with her, not only as my Goddess, but also as my wife, my best friend, my partner and my confidant. Knowing I let her down was bad enough, but by depriving me of interaction with her, even though it was limited to her voice on the cell phone, it was far more effective than the sting of a paddle or whip.

Here is where I think people confuse the real purpose of spanking. At least for me, it’s more about discipline rather than punishment. Discipline has to do with a regiment that becomes an established routine, whereas punishment involves some sort of action or retribution for a violation of an agreed upon rule or policy. I don’t particularly enjoy the pain of a spanking, but it’s not my aversion to that pain that causes me to “behave” as I should. If this were true, there would seldom be a need to spank me. Actually, it’s the act of receiving the spanking, not the resulting pain, that constitutes the driving force. It makes me feel submissive, which I enjoy, and why I want Goddess V to use the paddle on me. Consequently, and contrary to what one might think, should she want to punish me, NOT spanking me is actually a better way to accomplish it.

And for those who would ask how I felt about the boot licking: Goddess V had mentioned it in passing on several occasions so I knew it was something that interested her. I knew that at some point she would instruct me to do this, and also that I would willingly obey her. If my failure to call her gave her the incentive to finally command me to lick her boots, then I’m almost glad I failed to call. Because we learned something about each other that resulted in strengthening our D/s relationship. Being required to lick the boots of my Goddess is not a punishment in my mind. Like spanking, it’s more of a discipline that nurtures my submissive side. Knowing that it turns her on makes it all the more appealing to me.

I am not crazy about EVER putting VK down. I often reassure him that I never mean to disrespect him and ask him to please tell me if he ever feels that way. To me this has to be done in a loving manner or it wouldn't work for me. After all, this is about loving female authority. I am still coming to grips with deliberately causing him physical pain, and whatever humiliation he feels as a result. But I realize that the man I dearly love enjoys feeling submissive. He wants it, needs it, craves it and thrives in a way he never did when our relationship was vanilla. That works for our relationship in so many ways that I guess only other dommes can fully understand.

For now I’ll close by saying that we have several friends who for the most part don’t seem all that happy in their marriage. Lately, some even seem to be jealous of the fact that VK and I get along so well. I’ve told VK to stop being so charming, he is driving everyone away..lol. My women friends LOVE him and they tell me how lucky I am to have such a man. There’s that "lucky" word again. I am Thisclosetotellingthemmysecret !!!!!!!

Moving On

Someone commented somewhere how this recent nonsense with the blogs is proof that something isn’t right with this lifestyle. It’s proof that it goes against the way things are supposed to be between a man and a woman. Someone else responded that it has nothing to do with FemDom and FLRs. It’s simply the way of the Internet. I agree. And this is not proof that the Internet is a bad thing. It’s like anything else: it comes down to what you make of it and how you use it. Were it not for the Internet I would not have met Goddess V. Were it not for the Internet I would not have learned about FemDom. Were it not for the Internet I would not have had access to information that I could read, digest and decide for myself whether or not this lifestyle might work for me. Were it not for the Internet I would not have experienced the encouragement to then share my feelings with my wife.

Candace and Katherine West may or may not be for real. But it doesn’t matter. I have met many people face-to-face during my life who are insincere and it has neither proved nor disproved anything to me about anything (except that you must be very careful about who you trust). I take what they say or do with a grain of salt and move on without letting it affect me one way or the other. If Candace and Katherine are if fact insincere, it doesn't change anything for me. I happen to believe in the FemDom lifestyle because in theory it made sense to me when I first read about it. Then in practice I discovered it works even better than I had anticipated. The proof to me is in how it has transformed our marriage into a relationship that lately seems to be causing some degree of alienation with some of our friends. Apparently, we get along too well, are too happy and that is not setting well with those who do have this in their marriage. Could be, but that’s a story for another post.

Suffice to say that Goddess V and I will continue to maintain this blog for the foreseeable future. Hopefully we have a few readers who are considering adopting this lifestyle and our goal is still to encourage you to do so.

She's Baaaack

As Bonnie pointed out in her comment, Katherine just posted again after more than 3 months of silence. Hmmmm. Does anyone see unlikely coincidence here? Katherine's post was a short, sweet, well-crafted teaser. Oh boy... here we go again. Ya gotta love it.

Already I'm getting comments to my last post. I expect there will be more to come. Everyone has a different opinion and that's what makes life interesting. It's what gives us something to think about. Provided we are willing to think.

My personal feeling is that Elise Sutton is in fact real. I agree with anonymous that she may well be from the Baltimore area because of some of the things (and people) she mentions in her book and on her web site. She is also apparently in her 50s because of some of the references she has made in her life. Her site being a promotional site for chastity devices however I think is unlikely. Being in marketing myself, if it is, in my opinion they are missing the boat BIG TIME. Nah, Sutton's site is too low key. It could be littered with click-through ads to so many other sites. But there are none. My gut feeling is that this woman, aside from having remarkable insight into dynamics between men and women, is indeed for real.

But that of course is JUST my opinion. And as I said in my previous post, be careful what you read here in cyberspace. Be careful what you accept as truth.

Now, for all you Candace fans. I wanted to believe. I really, really wanted to believe. If she walked into my house and introduced herself today, I would be thrilled to death. But there just seemed to be something in her rapid progress as a dominant woman that didn't ring true for me. Why publish a picture of yourself but not your email address? An email address is nothing remotely like a mailing address. And why not at least write a farewell post, then leave the blog stand for a while. Why use the delete key? Why no consideration whatsoever for the many readers who were following her progress? She sure sounded far more thoughtful than that... if one can believe what she wrote.

Maybe it's just me. Candace, if you're out there, my apologies--You Go, Girl.

Blog Readers Beware

It’s been about 10 months since I first began writing this blog. At the time there didn’t seem to be many blogs out here dealing with wife-led marriage. Since then a number have popped up, many of them written by submissive or submissive wannabe men. A few were supposedly penned by women and enjoyed a meteoric rise in popularity, mostly with men I’m guessing. I’m referring mainly to the blogs of Katherine West and Candace. Then suddenly, ziltch. Katherine’s has gone untended since June. Candace’s blog, along with Woman on Top, by (the other) Mistress Jen, apparently have gone the way of the delete key. It causes me to shake my head, but I can’t say as I’m surprised.

My personal feeling was that the West blog was in fact a prankster having a go at writing fiction. Man? Female? Who can say. As for Candace, she talked a good game… a little too good in my book for someone supposedly so new to this lifestyle. But she quickly had submissive men around the planet panting for more, more, more, only to be suddenly dealt “Blog Not Found.” Hmmm, I wonder. Someone who routinely comments on a number of FLR blogs recently observed the sudden appearance of Candace’s blog at the very time Katherine West’s blog went silent. Could this be similar to the hoax pulled by Stephen King, who, after becoming a best selling author writing horror novels, started over as Richard Bachman, just to see if he could do it again?

The supposed female author of another upstart FemDom blog alleges that she knows “E Sutton” to be a cigar smoking, whiskey swilling male who is having a good giggle over his charade. Thing is, most of us will never know for sure. Most of us who write and read and comment on blogs are anonymous and will likely always remain so. Anonymity can be a good thing, but the problem here is that it fosters too many pranksters and insincere people. And this is such a shame when you consider the subject matter. Because those of us who genuinely practice loving female authority know how well it works. The pranksters, the people who take pleasure in baiting readers with insincere sensationalism give the rest of us a bad name.

So I would urge everyone who reads blogs, this one included, to very carefully consider what you read before you accept it as truth or proof… OF ANYTHING. The burden is on you to use your head, to really think about what you read. Does it make sense? Does it ring true? Do the pieces fit? Is it plausible? Logical? Is it even believable? Come on, guys. Don’t let your fantasies and wishful thinking cloud your judgement.

Just this weekend Goddess V and I were standing on our deck talking. We’ve recently run into a situation with some friends who seem to be less than happy with their personal lives and marriages. Goddess V said to me, “This lifestyle works so well, how do we better promote it to people?” I responded that other than doing what we already are, I don’t know. It’s not as if we can come out and broadcast it to everyone we know and meet, although I think Goddess V has come dangerously close to doing just that on occasion. It’s interesting to note that even the VOT Society is struggling with the same issue. Goddess Barbara’s book sales reportedly generate less than half of the funds needed to run their website. Goddess B foots the rest of the obligation out of her own purse and the strain has caused her to drop out for a while to regroup and most likely rethink how to proceed to promote the message she holds dear.

Happily, in addition to VOT there are a few authors of blogs and websites that, in my opinion, are genuine and worth reading. I won’t mention them specifically, but if you’ve read some of my past entries here, you know who some of them are. Not so surprisingly, most have been around for some time and seem as if they will be around in the future. I’m glad they are, because if they hadn’t been, I seriously doubt Goddess V and I would be enjoying the relationship we have today.