Spanking: Punishment or Discipline?

When VK gave me Elise Sutton's book, I wasn't all that shocked with what I read. I had always been a dominant woman, but most just called me "Bossy". I would laugh at that, but deep down I knew these people, both male and female, wanted what I had. VK used to ask me how I became the person I am. All I could say was that I am a very positive, open-minded person and always have been. I am not sure what makes us one way or another, but I do know that I want what I want when it comes to men. Women have always told me I am "lucky.” I laughed about that too. I don't call it luck at all. I call it wanting what you want and not settling for anything less.

When I read Sutton’s book, in the back of my head I was thinking "I could have written this," maybe not when it came to all she had to say about FemDom, but I already knew and agreed with everything she said about how a relationship should be between a woman and her man. This made it fairly easy for me to go from being just “bossy” to being a dominant Goddess in a female-led marriage. Spankings were something VK spoke of early on in our relationship, way before we started this lifestyle. So I knew this was something he needed. I think he was always submissive and didn't know it. He was raised in a "Leave it to Beaver” household. Lets face it, I think Ward was submissive and June was a "Dominate Woman". It may not have appeared that way, but I have learned one thing as I’ve gotten older--- nothing is ever as it seems.

If I spoke about spanking early in our relationship, I don’t think it was because I felt as if I needed it. Not on a conscious level anyway. I might have thought it could be fun once in a while just to spice things up. We joked about it now and then amongst ourselves and even with friends, but I never imagined that spanking would become a part of our relationship. I don’t know that I “needed” to have my ass spanked on a regular basis. Of course that was then and this is now. These days I admit that I really do need it, but not for the reasons one might think.

I use spankings as a way of keeping VK in line and to remind him who is the “Boss” :-). I honestly have gotta say he doesn't step out of bounds very often, but if and when he does something I especially don't like, I try to correct it right then and there. He may protest at first, but the pants do come down and he will go over my lap. But because we have grown kids at home, that often is not possible, so I’ll make a note to address the issue later when we have our privacy. In that case I’ll give him some extra hard swats with the paddle and tell him what he did that displeased me.

A couple of weeks ago I did step out of line. It wasn’t what I did, but rather what I didn’t do. I left on a Sunday morning for a business trip and forgot to call Goddess V when I had arrived safely at my destination. This, despite the fact that on my way out the door she reminded me to call her. Chalk it up as preoccupation with my job, misalignment of priorities or sheer stupidity. Whatever, it was clearly a screw up for which I deserved to be in the dog house. When I finally did call, Goddess V would not take my call. She didn’t speak to me until late afternoon the following day.

As any woman knows, not calling me was unacceptable, inconsiderate behavior. I don’t care how busy VK was. After a few hours of being annoyed, I got over it, but no way was I going to talk to him when he finally did call. I knew that cutting off his line of communication with me would feel worse than any spanking could. Mind you, 24 hours of zero communications with me didn’t get him totally off the hook though. The next weekend I had him kneeling naked at my feet, wearing his collar and licking my boots. That was a first for us and was something I’d been planning to try. While he was down there on his hands and knees and licking away, I gave his ass a few good swats with the paddle as a warm-up before turning him over my knee. I think I spanked him a little harder than usual as I reminded him how inconsiderate he had been. And by the way, I discovered I like having my man licking my boots… more than I thought I might… LOL. I told VK he can expect to be doing that a lot more in the future.

Goddess V is so right about how no communications with her made me feel horrible. It was my punishment for being an inconsiderate asshole. My greatest joy in life is my interaction with her, not only as my Goddess, but also as my wife, my best friend, my partner and my confidant. Knowing I let her down was bad enough, but by depriving me of interaction with her, even though it was limited to her voice on the cell phone, it was far more effective than the sting of a paddle or whip.

Here is where I think people confuse the real purpose of spanking. At least for me, it’s more about discipline rather than punishment. Discipline has to do with a regiment that becomes an established routine, whereas punishment involves some sort of action or retribution for a violation of an agreed upon rule or policy. I don’t particularly enjoy the pain of a spanking, but it’s not my aversion to that pain that causes me to “behave” as I should. If this were true, there would seldom be a need to spank me. Actually, it’s the act of receiving the spanking, not the resulting pain, that constitutes the driving force. It makes me feel submissive, which I enjoy, and why I want Goddess V to use the paddle on me. Consequently, and contrary to what one might think, should she want to punish me, NOT spanking me is actually a better way to accomplish it.

And for those who would ask how I felt about the boot licking: Goddess V had mentioned it in passing on several occasions so I knew it was something that interested her. I knew that at some point she would instruct me to do this, and also that I would willingly obey her. If my failure to call her gave her the incentive to finally command me to lick her boots, then I’m almost glad I failed to call. Because we learned something about each other that resulted in strengthening our D/s relationship. Being required to lick the boots of my Goddess is not a punishment in my mind. Like spanking, it’s more of a discipline that nurtures my submissive side. Knowing that it turns her on makes it all the more appealing to me.

I am not crazy about EVER putting VK down. I often reassure him that I never mean to disrespect him and ask him to please tell me if he ever feels that way. To me this has to be done in a loving manner or it wouldn't work for me. After all, this is about loving female authority. I am still coming to grips with deliberately causing him physical pain, and whatever humiliation he feels as a result. But I realize that the man I dearly love enjoys feeling submissive. He wants it, needs it, craves it and thrives in a way he never did when our relationship was vanilla. That works for our relationship in so many ways that I guess only other dommes can fully understand.

For now I’ll close by saying that we have several friends who for the most part don’t seem all that happy in their marriage. Lately, some even seem to be jealous of the fact that VK and I get along so well. I’ve told VK to stop being so charming, he is driving everyone My women friends LOVE him and they tell me how lucky I am to have such a man. There’s that "lucky" word again. I am Thisclosetotellingthemmysecret !!!!!!!


j said...

I think you must "let on" about parts of the secret. Gauge their reaction. You've got to help your friends, don't you. Tell them just enough and see where it goes.

If you do make sure to let us know how it went!

BTW, I loved the back and forth in this update. There's nothing better than having both perspectives side by side.

REL said...

Wonderful post.

I think the greatest service that blogs like this do is dispelling the harsh ugly images of female dominant relationships.

Many women are put off by the idea of allowing their husband to be submissive because they are under the mistaken impression that they must become "evil."

Queen'sKnight1 said...

I agree with how enjoyable the back and forth writing style is.

We have given two inquiring couples copies of Barbara Wright Abernathy's Venus on Top and Emily Addison's A New Bride's Guide to Training Her Husband. I would give Sutton's book to someone who has read the other two and wants more.

j said...

I gave my wife a copy of EA's book almost a year ago and saved a copy of it on her computer complete with a convenient link. She hasn't taken any of the advise. What a shame.

cagedone said...

Hi there,

I have just finished reading your blog from the beginning, and I must say inspiring.

My wife and I are moving towards a femdom lifestyle, I have shown her "around her finger" and interestingly I actually introduced her to the CB3K about a year ago which is kind of around the wrong way. I have worn it off and on since, but only recently shown her around her finger. I am not sure if she will want to delve deeper into femdom, I certainly can't see her spanking me, though if it pleased her i would certainly submit to it.

Just a hint if you have not done so already, get some solid A rings (no hinge), far more comfy...also a KSD not only helps security but it keeps things lined up for bodily finctions and its generally more comfortable despite its appearance. I have worn mine for 2 weeks straight without a break with no real physical reason for release...mentally yes but physically no. BTW I run 4Kms/day and work out everyday while wearing it. Doesn't bother me at all. I even use the communial shower...which can be a bit risky sometime but showering face to the wall then a strategic towel placement has gotten me through some nervous moments.

I was thinking of documenting my journey in a blog, but it seems there are just so many springing up regarding FLR that it would be a "me too" blog.

Suzy said...

Great post. The whole spanking thing is a bit mystifying to me. My hubby likes it. I feel guilty about inflicting any pain, but kind of like it. More Guilt. Definitely not real punishment for us. Maybe I need a bigger paddle.LOL

Also your thoughts on hyprocites/politicans on another blog were much appreciated.