Purple But Definitely Not Barney


Something's been bugging me lately. I have a lot of women friends who are into middle age. Most are married or in a relationship. And hardly any admit to using a vibrator. Most say they've never used one… end of conversation. I mean, what's the deal? Are they too embarrassed to admit using one. Are they telling me the truth? Somebody out there is buying all those toys being sold on the Internet. These are middle age women who should be smarter than that. They need to wake up and smell the coffee.

This is weird to me especially considering how I often hear innuendos from them (and their husbands) that sex isn't what it used to be. Part of the reason for that is because some of the men (and who knows, maybe most of them) are experiencing performance problems. I'm not saying EVERY woman's best friend is a vibrator, but of the women I've talked to who admit to using one, they say they LOVE it. So why no “toys” to spice things up?

For me one of the unexpected benefits of submitting to a dominant woman is that it has taken the pressure off of me to “perform” in the more traditional manner. I guess like many men, I've experienced concerns about my sexual prowess, especially in later years as erectile dysfunction has reared its ugly head (no pun intended). Truthfully, this concern was born far more out of my desire to please the woman I love than it was my ego as a red-blooded male. Deep down inside, I think most men just want to please their woman sexually. Unfortunately we are conditioned to think that this necessarily involves great cockmanship.

I think some men are reluctant to introduce a vibrator in the bedroom because they're afraid their wives may like it too much and prefer it to their man's penis. A woman may be reluctant to use a vibrator, or admit she likes it as much as she does because she doesn't want to offend her man's sense of ego. None of this has to be if a woman and her man would just communicate honestly about what they want and like… and be willing to maybe step outside their comfort zones a little.

Pre-FemDom we had used a vibrator now and then. I don't know that I felt threatened by it's use, just that it was okay, provided it was not a regular practice, and certainly not as a substitute for intercourse. Goddess V didn't frequently insist on bringing out her vibrating friend, and when we did use it, in retrospect I suspect she was being gracious enough not to be overly enthusiastic about it.

This may come as a disappointment to men, but most women don't reach orgasm as result of intercourse alone. Maybe once in a while we can if the mood is just right, but usually there needs to be foreplay to build up to it. That involves the tongue because the truth is the tongue is way mightier than the penis. And I've gotta say, the vibrator is even mightier than the tongue. When you combine a tongue with a vibrator… and add in some G-spot stimulation at the hand of the man you love… it's an unbeatable combo that will rock your world like nothing else can. Or is it just me?

Mostly by being aware of my partner's reaction, I learned the need to set the stage with manual or oral stimulation. But it was always foreplay. It was setting the stage for intercourse and seldom the main even in itself. In this regard, the term foreplay itself is unfortunate because it categorizes any sexual activity other than intercourse as just that: play before something to follow. My thinking changed as I grew older, which is another reason why FemDom made sense to me. I began to see orgasm (her's and mine) and intercourse as separate things, each equally good, but separate nonetheless. One could easily happen without the other with no resulting feelings of unhappiness or inadequacy. It is love between a man and a woman that makes each wonderful in its own right.

A great thing about FemDom is that it puts a woman's sexual gratification in proper perspective. It's all about HER. This DOESN'T mean no more intercourse. VK and I still do that, just maybe not as much or with the same expectations. Which is okay because I know he'll agree that our sex life is better than ever. Different but better. I'm still learning that, in a way, it's a responsibility I've taken on that I didn't have before. Because now that I am free to enjoy sex any way I want it, with or without intercourse, with no apology or guilt or sense of obligation, if I don't make the most of it, I have no one to blame but myself.

From my standpoint I've learned that love, intimacy and even sex itself is not all about the penis. I don't feel the least bit threatened, intimated or belittled in knowing that when it comes to pure physical pleasure, my penis is second or third choice. Quite the contrary, I experience an immense feeling of empowerment and satisfaction in being able to give Goddess V pleasure even though it may not be through intercourse. In the end, I feel as if I've actually become (and am still becoming) a better sexual partner than I ever was in vanilla life.


Queen'sKnight1 said...

I really am enjoying your new approach to side by side writing. And a great take on a valuable subject too.

I am one who just doesn't have long endurance. My Queen loves intercourse. We've tried vibrators, me using strap on, and prosthetic sheaths/extenders. She's so sweet, "If it's not you, I just don't want it in me. It's knowing that it is you that makes it special. Something artificial just isn't the same." I've pleaded with her that it's o.k., but she's serious. It's just not what she wants. She has nothing philosophical against it. In fact, she talks excitedly at length with her recently divorced sister who not too long ago discovered The Rabbit.

As you said, though, VK, my highest priority is HER enjoyment and fulfillment, and I feel so bad that I can't give her long pleasurable intercourse, so we do spend a lot of time on cunnilingus, and a whole lot of time with her receiving tantric massage. If the toys don't do it for her, at least there is a way I can give her the pleasure she deserves. We spend as many Saturday nights as possible bathing together, followed by couples yoga, sensual massage, which segues into sexual massage. She often spends close to an hour drifting from peak orgasm to valley orgasm and back. The first couple are usually just exterior manual, then manual and oral, and finally one hand external while the other massages her G-Spot. After so much time in an orgasmic state, the G-Spot massage usually induces her to have a female ejaculation.

Following this, she usually wants me inside her. Occasionally she has me ejaculate inside her, then orally cleanse her, but usually she has me stop just prior to ejaculation, which leaves me with so much unrequited lust for her that we cuddle with me shaking all over, desperate for her, almost crying from the unfulfilled desire.

We both prefer it that way, however. It leaves me in a state of perpetually wanting her, always horny for her, always wanting to please her. Ejaculation takes that feeling away, and that's an emptiness we both don't like.

helpmate hubby said...

As a cuckold to my Wife's multiitude of vibrators, i certainly identifed with your post. I used to hate it that it's "almost always a threesome" in our bed and i'm the one who goes last, but now i'm used to it.

j said...

My wife doesn't use any toys but I wouldn't mind if she did. Given my inability to satisfy her and her unwillingness to let me please her with my tounge I feel she is missing out on a big part of life - sex, enjoyable sex. I'm not sure she even realizes what she's missing and that makes me sad.


I've tried to push her to take charge, to the point of giving her a copy of the Around Her Finger book but I doubt she even looked at it. It's as though being together like that is something she doesn't think about and something she can live without.

Mistressjen said...

Tongue = good
Vibrator = Bad


One of the great things about sex is the almost infinite variety out there. What one woman loves another can't stand. It amazes me.

If I ever do use and enjoy a vibrator I take the least buzzy one and then run it until the batteries are almost entirely gone and THEN use it. I've owned a number...still do...but since I've discovered the delight of jssubc's tongue 4 years ago...Don't want 'em.

(Oh and I'm not disagreeing with your post -- only saying that variety is amazing)

Mistress Jen

Pink pearl rabbit, futoku finger vibe, remote butterfly and various bullets for sale cheap.


Anonymous said...

My Wife has me use a small bullet-type vibrator while i'm licking Her and also another pink one that i put in and out of Her until She cums. THEN i can climb on top and put my little member in there. Toys are great! i don't mind Her getting her orgasm from them at all. In fact, i'd love for Her to try to find a lover with a huge cock to really give Her pleasure! Ah, the cuck wannabe ...