I originally posted part of this as a comment on Katherine West’s LovingFemaleAuthority blog. I decided to include it here.
Goddess V and I don’t routinely divulge the more personal details of our FemDom marriage. It’s not that we're ashamed or embarrassed by what we do behind closed doors, it’s just that it’s basically no one’s business but ours. However, we are firm believers that FemDom is truly a path to a happier and more personally rewarding marriage. Toward that end, we would not hesitate to promote our lifestyle if and when the situation warrants it. As it is, we’ve already openly hinted at it by recommending and loaning a copy of "Venus on Top" to three different women (one married and two single) who have complained to us about marital/relationship problems.
As a side note: It’s been obvious in subsequent conversation that none of these women have bothered to either buy or read the book. Yet they continue to bitch about men. Go figure. You can put the cookie in someone’s hand, but you cannot make them taste it.
Lately, more for the fun of it than anything else, we have dropped hints now and then just to test peoples’ reactions. For instance, Goddess V has “threatened” me with a spanking in front of others. Though she has done it in a mocking tone and followed it up with a big smile, invariably it draws comments from other wives such as, “You go, girl!” and from husbands, “Can I be next?” You might say these people are simply going along with the jest in good fun by adding some humor of their own. Certainly possible. And yet humor is often based on underlying truth. And when you combine that fact with a few cocktails during Happy Hour, I suspect that many of these people either think about, practice, or wish they practiced [in this case] spanking. Goddess V claims that she and I do nothing that many other people wouldn’t do if they had the courage to try it or ask for it.
Recently I initiated a discussion among a circle of friends about indications in our society that females are taking more and more control. Of four married men in the discussion, all agreed and when asked who truly led their individual marriages, all admitted that, largely, their wives were in charge. When our wives got wind of the conversation, they smiled and nodded their heads in approval. So I’ve come to suspect that those of us in wife-led marriages are perhaps too concerned with being secretive about our lifestyle. The more we begin to open up about it, the faster the shift to female authority will occur. As for my wife and I, people may suspect that something is a trifle, well, “different” about our relationship, but they frequently comment that we are the most romantic couple they know.
NEGATIVE REACTIONS... NOW WHAT?
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I can’t imagine anything more frustrating than an MSW finally working up the courage to approach his wife, only to have her be totally unreceptive. Hey, it happens. In this case, an MSW would do well to determine how much of the FemDom material that he gave her she actually read. The better websites and books are quite clear about the benefits of female authority, so chances are good she read only a small portion, made a snap judgment and shut down. Don’t turn all mealy-mouthed and apologetic. Maintain your posture, damnit! She’ll respect you more for it in the long-run. You might respond with something in the neighborhood of, “I’m surprised you feel this way. Did you read ALL of the material? I figured there would be some things you might not agree with… heck, I don’t agree with everything either. But overall it makes so much sense to me that I am really looking forward to us trying it. Maybe if you read more and think about it, you’ll want to try it too.”
Honest communication is always important in marriage, but most will agree it’s even more critical with this issue. Find out what aspects of FemDom turn her off, and if there are any that appeal to her. Even if she phrases questions such as, “You don’t actually want [expect] me to spank you, do you,” you should answer honestly. Don’t say, “God no, that’s too weird,” if it’s not true for you. Muster your courage and respond with, “Actually, that would work for me, but not if you find it objectionable.” And remember that a little levity never hurts. You might smile and say something like, “There must have been times over the years when you wanted to swat me a few good ones. Now’s your chance.” Discover as much as you can about how she feels, but don’t push. In the end, it’s enough that she come away from your initial discussion knowing that you are enthusiastic without being insistent. You might end the conversation by saying something like, “I hope you’ve noticed a difference in me over the past few weeks [months]. If you don’t mind, I’ll continue. It gives me pleasure and I hope it pleases you too. Hopefully we can talk again later after you’ve had more time to think things over.” Then let it go.
Don’t sulk over her unwillingness to embrace her female authority, and don’t assume that she will never decide to do so. Wait more than a day, or a week or even a month. Say nothing, but continue your efforts to worship her as your Goddess. Your actions will speak more loudly than any words you might offer to try to persuade her. While it’s true you may not yet have the satisfaction of her taking control over you, you no longer need shoulder the burden of hiding your inner feelings. That in itself should be a tremendous relief. Plus, now that your wife knows what you are doing and why, your efforts will no longer be covert. And that may well provide interim satisfaction for you. If she loves you and sees that you are committed to this issue, it’s a safe bet she will at least revisit the book [website] to read or reread the material. She may also do some of her own research. How well you continue to make her feel like a Goddess by putting her needs and pleasure ahead of your own may well determine how long it takes, but sooner or later, she will most likely bring the subject back to the table.
Honest communication is always important in marriage, but most will agree it’s even more critical with this issue. Find out what aspects of FemDom turn her off, and if there are any that appeal to her. Even if she phrases questions such as, “You don’t actually want [expect] me to spank you, do you,” you should answer honestly. Don’t say, “God no, that’s too weird,” if it’s not true for you. Muster your courage and respond with, “Actually, that would work for me, but not if you find it objectionable.” And remember that a little levity never hurts. You might smile and say something like, “There must have been times over the years when you wanted to swat me a few good ones. Now’s your chance.” Discover as much as you can about how she feels, but don’t push. In the end, it’s enough that she come away from your initial discussion knowing that you are enthusiastic without being insistent. You might end the conversation by saying something like, “I hope you’ve noticed a difference in me over the past few weeks [months]. If you don’t mind, I’ll continue. It gives me pleasure and I hope it pleases you too. Hopefully we can talk again later after you’ve had more time to think things over.” Then let it go.
Don’t sulk over her unwillingness to embrace her female authority, and don’t assume that she will never decide to do so. Wait more than a day, or a week or even a month. Say nothing, but continue your efforts to worship her as your Goddess. Your actions will speak more loudly than any words you might offer to try to persuade her. While it’s true you may not yet have the satisfaction of her taking control over you, you no longer need shoulder the burden of hiding your inner feelings. That in itself should be a tremendous relief. Plus, now that your wife knows what you are doing and why, your efforts will no longer be covert. And that may well provide interim satisfaction for you. If she loves you and sees that you are committed to this issue, it’s a safe bet she will at least revisit the book [website] to read or reread the material. She may also do some of her own research. How well you continue to make her feel like a Goddess by putting her needs and pleasure ahead of your own may well determine how long it takes, but sooner or later, she will most likely bring the subject back to the table.
PRESENTING THE KEY
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I am amazed at the number of men who think a certain book or website about FemDom is terrific, BUT they are reluctant to ask their wives to read it because such-and-such chapter is a tad too intense, or some of the language is a shade too blue, or the cover is too risqué. Many MSWs are looking for a “non-threatening” way to introduce FemDom to their ladies. Non-threatening? Give your heads a shake, gentlemen. We submissives are the ones who should feel threatened: at the thought of never realizing the life we know we need; then again at the thought of it becoming a reality. We’ve all heard the adage about being careful what we wish for. When wives embrace their female authority and dominate us, there will likely be times when we’ll wish we’d kept our mouths shut. Think about that! (Tweaks the submissive feelings even more, doesn’t it.)
A word of caution. Don’t study and study until you’ve read all that’s ever been written (you’re procrastinating). And don’t over analyze. It shouldn’t take you more than a couple of months to read, say two or three books and to visit the prime websites. Then pick one you liked the most and give your wife the book already. Or direct her to a website. As you do this, you MUST say to her something very close to, “Sweetheart, I’ve been thinking a lot about our future. This book [website] holds the key to a new chapter in our marriage that I believe will make us both very happy. There’s a lot of information here but it would mean the world to me if you’d read it. All of it not just part of it. I can’t wait to hear what you think about it because it makes a lot of sense to me. So when you’re ready, we’ll talk.”
Then zip it. Shut your pie hole and say no more. Oh, she may quiz you with 20 questions. “What’s this about? What kind of information? Do you think our marriage is in trouble?” Do not, repeat, DO NOT get caught up in this. You’ll likely end up stammering something wishy-washy like, “Well, errr ah, it’s kinda about relationships where the wife sorta, but not necessarily, runs the show and….” Worse, you might say something REALLY stupid like, “I know that spanking and foot-worship and all might sound too weird at first, but actually I was kinda hoping…” Don’t do it. Feel the weight of those balls you’ve grown and maintain your posture. Look her in the eye, smile and say to your wife, “Sweetheart, it’s all good. Better than good. But its taken all my courage to show it to you. So please just read it because it explains things better than I can. Then we’ll talk.”
Women are largely curious creatures, so you can bet she’ll act on your request. When she does, let’s face it, the notion of FemDom is such that it’s not likely she’ll be ambivalent. It’s a pretty safe bet her initial reaction, apart from surprise (shock) will fall on one side or the other, positive or negative, to one degree or another. If she reads all or most of the material you’ve given her, the chances are darn good she’ll come back to you on the positive side. She may be skeptical, she may be suspicious, but if she’s at least receptive to talking about FemDom, that’s positive—and a quantum leap forward. Obviously everyone is different, so it’s impossible to predict how each woman will be thinking at this point.
Remember that while you’ve been thinking about this for quite some time, it’s all new to her. At the very least, she will no doubt be judging your sincerity, conviction and the degree to which you aspire to many of the aspects associated with FemDom. So go ahead and talk with her. Answer her questions honestly. By all means admit to your submissive feelings and desire for her to dominate you. This is not, however, a time to negotiate: I’ll gladly do the dishes every night if you’ll wear leather and spank me once a week. Nor is it a time to issue an agenda of what you want and don’t want. Simply tell her that you would like her to embrace her female authority to whatever degree and at whatever pace she feels comfortable. This puts the key in her hands to open whichever doors she chooses, when she desires to open them.
A word of caution. Don’t study and study until you’ve read all that’s ever been written (you’re procrastinating). And don’t over analyze. It shouldn’t take you more than a couple of months to read, say two or three books and to visit the prime websites. Then pick one you liked the most and give your wife the book already. Or direct her to a website. As you do this, you MUST say to her something very close to, “Sweetheart, I’ve been thinking a lot about our future. This book [website] holds the key to a new chapter in our marriage that I believe will make us both very happy. There’s a lot of information here but it would mean the world to me if you’d read it. All of it not just part of it. I can’t wait to hear what you think about it because it makes a lot of sense to me. So when you’re ready, we’ll talk.”
Then zip it. Shut your pie hole and say no more. Oh, she may quiz you with 20 questions. “What’s this about? What kind of information? Do you think our marriage is in trouble?” Do not, repeat, DO NOT get caught up in this. You’ll likely end up stammering something wishy-washy like, “Well, errr ah, it’s kinda about relationships where the wife sorta, but not necessarily, runs the show and….” Worse, you might say something REALLY stupid like, “I know that spanking and foot-worship and all might sound too weird at first, but actually I was kinda hoping…” Don’t do it. Feel the weight of those balls you’ve grown and maintain your posture. Look her in the eye, smile and say to your wife, “Sweetheart, it’s all good. Better than good. But its taken all my courage to show it to you. So please just read it because it explains things better than I can. Then we’ll talk.”
Women are largely curious creatures, so you can bet she’ll act on your request. When she does, let’s face it, the notion of FemDom is such that it’s not likely she’ll be ambivalent. It’s a pretty safe bet her initial reaction, apart from surprise (shock) will fall on one side or the other, positive or negative, to one degree or another. If she reads all or most of the material you’ve given her, the chances are darn good she’ll come back to you on the positive side. She may be skeptical, she may be suspicious, but if she’s at least receptive to talking about FemDom, that’s positive—and a quantum leap forward. Obviously everyone is different, so it’s impossible to predict how each woman will be thinking at this point.
Remember that while you’ve been thinking about this for quite some time, it’s all new to her. At the very least, she will no doubt be judging your sincerity, conviction and the degree to which you aspire to many of the aspects associated with FemDom. So go ahead and talk with her. Answer her questions honestly. By all means admit to your submissive feelings and desire for her to dominate you. This is not, however, a time to negotiate: I’ll gladly do the dishes every night if you’ll wear leather and spank me once a week. Nor is it a time to issue an agenda of what you want and don’t want. Simply tell her that you would like her to embrace her female authority to whatever degree and at whatever pace she feels comfortable. This puts the key in her hands to open whichever doors she chooses, when she desires to open them.
AN ALTERNATIVE APPROACH
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Start by reading up on FemDom, female authority, wife-led marriage or however you wish to think of it. This is a no-brainer for most submissive men, especially for MSWs because it’s their only avenue for keeping the dream alive. It’s no secret the majority of visitors on FemDom websites are men. So visit sites such as those listed here in the links section. Maybe find others on your own--but avoid the crap you’ll find on pay porn sites. Since you’re probably doing this on the sly without your wife’s knowledge, the logistics might prove to be a challenge, but if you can manage it, go to Amazon and order a couple of books written by dominant women. As you read, don’t think to yourself, “She’ll never go for this,” or “My God, she’ll have a shit fit over that.” And don’t think, “Oh yeah, I really want her to do [this, that or the other thing],” and begin making an agenda.
As you read, transport yourself back in time to the days when you did everything in your power to impress her and to win her heart. Act as you acted when you courted her. Make her life as pleasurable and comfortable as if she were a Goddess. After all, she already IS your Goddess. She just doesn’t know it yet. And have confidence that your wife WILL embrace her role as Goddess, just as she gave her heart to you when you courted her. She WILL dominate you. But know that chances are pretty good some of what you read about may never actually happen in your relationship. Ah, but much of it will, whether you want it or not. So we all need to get it into our heads early on that whatever does happen will be her decision, not ours. She’ll do as SHE pleases and not because you want it. But that’s a good thing. It’s what truly quenches a submissive male’s thirst for female authority.
Now is when you’ll need to accomplish what may well be the single most daunting task any submissive man can face: confessing his desire to be submissive and asking to be dominated. Yeah, as I said earlier, it’s ironic that you must take control of the situation in order to achieve a relationship in which you have no control. But that’s the way it is for most MSWs. If it helps, you can take solace in the fact that you are merely pointing your marriage toward FemDom, because at this juncture, you’re the one who knows the way. So pick up the flag and lead. Then once you cross the border into FemDom territory, you can pass the flag and allow your wife to determine how deeply into that territory she wants to lead you.
Need a confidence boost before you break rank? Consider this:
1) You’ll be well prepared with accurate information about FemDom, not hearsay or fantasy mumbo jumbo. This means you are better informed than the vast majority of the population. This includes your wife, at least for the time being. You are probably also more convinced than ever that FemDom offers a better alternative to traditional marriage.
2) You’ll understand that as a male, you are wired to submit to a woman and that nature intended for her to dominate you. So there is no reason to feel ashamed or apologetic about your feelings. Males submission to female authority should be, and one day will be, as natural as rain.
3) If YOU can see how FemDom can revitalize and strengthen your marriage, surely SHE will too. After all, she is smarter than you. This aspect all by itself is enough to interest many wives.
4) Know that you are bringing to the table a genuine, honest-to-goodness win/win situation. And when you think about it, there are precious few of these in life. Once your wife understands the benefits, there is every reason to believe she will embrace it as much as you (and maybe more).
Slip your hand into your pocket and imagine you feel a key. Perhaps you’ve long fingered this key secretly as its remained safely hidden in your pocket. Now imagine bringing it into the light of day so you can admire it. Perhaps in your mind it’s made of gold and gleams brilliantly in the sun. Maybe it even has the symbols for the female and male sexes crafted into it. Until now, you have been a custodian of this key, because it does not belong to you. It belongs to the woman you love. So it’s incumbent upon you to place it in her hand, that she may use it to unlock a rewarding and more fulfilling future for the both of you.
For chrissakes, grow some balls. If your wife is ever to lead you around by them, then you damn well need a set she can hitch a leash to. Knock back a few beers first, drink some wine, say a prayer, do whatever, but suck it up and GIVE HER THE KEY.
As you read, transport yourself back in time to the days when you did everything in your power to impress her and to win her heart. Act as you acted when you courted her. Make her life as pleasurable and comfortable as if she were a Goddess. After all, she already IS your Goddess. She just doesn’t know it yet. And have confidence that your wife WILL embrace her role as Goddess, just as she gave her heart to you when you courted her. She WILL dominate you. But know that chances are pretty good some of what you read about may never actually happen in your relationship. Ah, but much of it will, whether you want it or not. So we all need to get it into our heads early on that whatever does happen will be her decision, not ours. She’ll do as SHE pleases and not because you want it. But that’s a good thing. It’s what truly quenches a submissive male’s thirst for female authority.
Now is when you’ll need to accomplish what may well be the single most daunting task any submissive man can face: confessing his desire to be submissive and asking to be dominated. Yeah, as I said earlier, it’s ironic that you must take control of the situation in order to achieve a relationship in which you have no control. But that’s the way it is for most MSWs. If it helps, you can take solace in the fact that you are merely pointing your marriage toward FemDom, because at this juncture, you’re the one who knows the way. So pick up the flag and lead. Then once you cross the border into FemDom territory, you can pass the flag and allow your wife to determine how deeply into that territory she wants to lead you.
Need a confidence boost before you break rank? Consider this:
1) You’ll be well prepared with accurate information about FemDom, not hearsay or fantasy mumbo jumbo. This means you are better informed than the vast majority of the population. This includes your wife, at least for the time being. You are probably also more convinced than ever that FemDom offers a better alternative to traditional marriage.
2) You’ll understand that as a male, you are wired to submit to a woman and that nature intended for her to dominate you. So there is no reason to feel ashamed or apologetic about your feelings. Males submission to female authority should be, and one day will be, as natural as rain.
3) If YOU can see how FemDom can revitalize and strengthen your marriage, surely SHE will too. After all, she is smarter than you. This aspect all by itself is enough to interest many wives.
4) Know that you are bringing to the table a genuine, honest-to-goodness win/win situation. And when you think about it, there are precious few of these in life. Once your wife understands the benefits, there is every reason to believe she will embrace it as much as you (and maybe more).
Slip your hand into your pocket and imagine you feel a key. Perhaps you’ve long fingered this key secretly as its remained safely hidden in your pocket. Now imagine bringing it into the light of day so you can admire it. Perhaps in your mind it’s made of gold and gleams brilliantly in the sun. Maybe it even has the symbols for the female and male sexes crafted into it. Until now, you have been a custodian of this key, because it does not belong to you. It belongs to the woman you love. So it’s incumbent upon you to place it in her hand, that she may use it to unlock a rewarding and more fulfilling future for the both of you.
For chrissakes, grow some balls. If your wife is ever to lead you around by them, then you damn well need a set she can hitch a leash to. Knock back a few beers first, drink some wine, say a prayer, do whatever, but suck it up and GIVE HER THE KEY.
IT'S ALL ABOUT... WHO?
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At the risk of inviting the ire of Dommes near and far, I respectfully suggest that the mantra “FemDom is all about the female,” is misleading. The foundation of female authority calls for her to dominant the male, and for him to worship, serve and submit to her. However by definition, in order for the female to dominate, she must have someone over whom she can wield her authority. Think of a planet populated with dominant women only, and no submissive males. When everyone is dominant, no one is dominant; without workers there can be no bosses; without braves, no chiefs. The presence of a submissive male is what bestows upon the female her opportunity to dominate. Ultimately then, FemDom can never be truly ALL about the female. Rather, it is about the female being dominant as seen through the eyes of a male who acknowledges her superiority and derives pleasure and a personal fulfillment by worshippng and submitting to her authority. Both halves of a FemDom relationship are therefore equally important, with each empowering the other in their respective roles. Each experiences emotional, physical and even spiritual rewards that feed from the other. It is Yin and Yang. It is a classic symbiotic relationship for which Mother Nature is so well known.
Another wrinkle I see in the seduction approach is that it presupposes: a) the female will be resistant to, even horrified, at FemDom to the point where she is likely to be unwilling to investigate and entertain its merits; b) that her relationship satisfaction level is such that she does not desire improvements; c) that she is likely to view it as nothing more than a view for kinky sex; and, d) the male will therefore need to coerce, beg or otherwise finagle her into trying it. To my way of thinking this is actually an insult to her intelligence and her instincts as a woman. Aren’t women superior? Then why should a man assume a superior female cannot discern for herself the value of FemDom, to herself, to her marriage, as well as to the man she loves?
I don’t profess to understand how women think. But here’s what I have pieced together through experience and from what I’ve read and been told. A woman generally wants a best friend and confidant, a companion, a lover and a loyal partner she can trust to put her best interests ahead of his own and defend her without question against all adversaries. She also wants a servant to romance, love, worship and adore her as if she is the only woman in the universe. I know this particular metaphor is clichéd, but it works so well: think of the proverbial knight who bravely battles the barbarians in her honor, then bows humbly in her presence to await her command. Finis. And what really rings a woman’s bell is when she doesn’t have to wheedle this passion and chivalrous behavior from her man, when of his own free will, through his love and conviction, he becomes, in essence, her mate and personal slave rolled into one. (Did I get that nearly right, ladies?) Guys, unless you’re Super Hubby, you’ve probably fallen short of this ideal. I know I did. Our mission then is to present FemDom to her as a way to help us come much closer to this mark. Because that is precisely what female authority will do.
Another wrinkle I see in the seduction approach is that it presupposes: a) the female will be resistant to, even horrified, at FemDom to the point where she is likely to be unwilling to investigate and entertain its merits; b) that her relationship satisfaction level is such that she does not desire improvements; c) that she is likely to view it as nothing more than a view for kinky sex; and, d) the male will therefore need to coerce, beg or otherwise finagle her into trying it. To my way of thinking this is actually an insult to her intelligence and her instincts as a woman. Aren’t women superior? Then why should a man assume a superior female cannot discern for herself the value of FemDom, to herself, to her marriage, as well as to the man she loves?
I don’t profess to understand how women think. But here’s what I have pieced together through experience and from what I’ve read and been told. A woman generally wants a best friend and confidant, a companion, a lover and a loyal partner she can trust to put her best interests ahead of his own and defend her without question against all adversaries. She also wants a servant to romance, love, worship and adore her as if she is the only woman in the universe. I know this particular metaphor is clichéd, but it works so well: think of the proverbial knight who bravely battles the barbarians in her honor, then bows humbly in her presence to await her command. Finis. And what really rings a woman’s bell is when she doesn’t have to wheedle this passion and chivalrous behavior from her man, when of his own free will, through his love and conviction, he becomes, in essence, her mate and personal slave rolled into one. (Did I get that nearly right, ladies?) Guys, unless you’re Super Hubby, you’ve probably fallen short of this ideal. I know I did. Our mission then is to present FemDom to her as a way to help us come much closer to this mark. Because that is precisely what female authority will do.
OH, THE IRONY
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The growing number of blogs such as this one, along with the proliferation of FemDom websites is testament to the substantial number of males who have visions of submission in their heads. I would hazard a guess that many of these are what I’ll call MSWs (male sub wannabes). Some are single and looking for an LTR with a dominant woman, but the majority are married and wanting their wives to take control of the marriage. Wishing, hoping and dreaming ain’t gonna make it so. As most of us already know, herein lies the irony. Today anyway, it’s often up to the submissive male to get the female to fully embrace her authority and become dominant. Just to put it in perspective, can you imagine an African-American voluntarily kneeling before a white person and saying, “Please put me in irons, beat me, abuse me, take me to a foreign land and make a slave of me.” Hmmm, there are a lot of issues to deal with there.
Provided we get past shame and guilt and self-respect, there’s still that nagging fear of rejection. So what’s an MSW to do? Single guys may have a bit of an easier time of it. The Internet provides a perfect medium for maintaining a degree of anonymity while being honest with a woman about submissive desires. So they at least have an opportunity to date women who already know about their submissiveness. This sure beats dropping the bomb later down the road. Married men however are already firmly entrenched in, well, the wrong trench, at least as far as leadership in the marriage goes. Stories abound of men married for 20 and even 30 years who fantasize daily about being dominated, yet go weak in the knees at the thought of confessing it to their wives. So what’s a married MSW to do?
Well, you could go to a pet store and buy yourself a dog collar, one large enough for say, a German Sheppard. Then pick a time when your wife is watching TV or reading. Strip naked in another room, grab that collar between your teeth and crawl to her on your hands and knees. Drop the collar at her feet and begin kissing and licking her toes. Between licks, tell her how superior you think she is compared to you and how you want her to dominate you into total submission. Ask her to fasten the collar around your neck and treat you as her personal slave. Confess how badly your ass fairly aches to be spanked and whipped when you misbehave and… um, well, maybe a different approach would yield more favorable results. (Hey, we need to keep a sense of humor about all this, we really do.)
SECRET SUBMISSION
Lifestyle dominant women frequently recommend a “seduction approach.” The seduction approach calls for the MSW to surreptitiously seduce his wife by becoming more helpful around the house, taking on more chores, helping with the kids, offering her bubble baths, massages and pedicures, being more romantic, etc… Little by little the wife may suspect something is up, but hopefully by then she is already enjoying the new arrangement and her increase of power within their relationship. The rationale is she’ll therefore be more receptive when hubby finally suggests the idea of her taking the leadership role in their marriage and of him submitting to her authority. In a nutshell, the male covertly spoon-feeds his submission in small doses, proving to his wife, up front, his honest intentions of serving her. Hopefully, she eventually sees the wisdom of a female-led relationship and proclaims to her husband, “Behold ME, your Goddess! Now fetch me a whip and bare your bottom, you worm.”
I see a couple of problems with this approach. First off, because of busy work schedules, a significant number of couples have cleaning people who come in once a week. Those who don’t often share household chores. In my case, I was already doing our laundry, making our bed, cleaning the kitchen, helping to clean the rest of the house, taking care of the yard plus doing numerous home improvement projects. I didn’t do much cooking, but then neither did my wife. We ate out and ordered in often. When you add in the romantic gestures I mentioned earlier that were already part of my routine, aside from having a noticeably different attitude in thinking of her as a Goddess, it would have been difficult for me to bring anything significantly new to the party in order to seduce her.
Secondly, according to MSWs who have tried the seduction approach, it is difficult to sustain for any meaningful length of time. Primarily this is because it does not allow him to experience the one aspect of FemDom that satisfies him the most. He may embrace his submissive desires, may see his wife as his Goddess and worship her as such, but it’s still not enough. Fulfillment for an MSW can only begin when the female acknowledges him as her submissive and wields her authority over him in an overt manner. Covert submission does not allow for this because the female does not know what’s going on. There MUST be a formal exchange of power that she not only embraces, but also reminds him of every single day in one way or another. The more she does this, the better he becomes in his submission. It’s the primary and essential ingredient that makes FemDom work in the male submissive’s head. For many submissive men, me included, discipline and control of sex are also important considerations. But more on that later.
Provided we get past shame and guilt and self-respect, there’s still that nagging fear of rejection. So what’s an MSW to do? Single guys may have a bit of an easier time of it. The Internet provides a perfect medium for maintaining a degree of anonymity while being honest with a woman about submissive desires. So they at least have an opportunity to date women who already know about their submissiveness. This sure beats dropping the bomb later down the road. Married men however are already firmly entrenched in, well, the wrong trench, at least as far as leadership in the marriage goes. Stories abound of men married for 20 and even 30 years who fantasize daily about being dominated, yet go weak in the knees at the thought of confessing it to their wives. So what’s a married MSW to do?
Well, you could go to a pet store and buy yourself a dog collar, one large enough for say, a German Sheppard. Then pick a time when your wife is watching TV or reading. Strip naked in another room, grab that collar between your teeth and crawl to her on your hands and knees. Drop the collar at her feet and begin kissing and licking her toes. Between licks, tell her how superior you think she is compared to you and how you want her to dominate you into total submission. Ask her to fasten the collar around your neck and treat you as her personal slave. Confess how badly your ass fairly aches to be spanked and whipped when you misbehave and… um, well, maybe a different approach would yield more favorable results. (Hey, we need to keep a sense of humor about all this, we really do.)
SECRET SUBMISSION
Lifestyle dominant women frequently recommend a “seduction approach.” The seduction approach calls for the MSW to surreptitiously seduce his wife by becoming more helpful around the house, taking on more chores, helping with the kids, offering her bubble baths, massages and pedicures, being more romantic, etc… Little by little the wife may suspect something is up, but hopefully by then she is already enjoying the new arrangement and her increase of power within their relationship. The rationale is she’ll therefore be more receptive when hubby finally suggests the idea of her taking the leadership role in their marriage and of him submitting to her authority. In a nutshell, the male covertly spoon-feeds his submission in small doses, proving to his wife, up front, his honest intentions of serving her. Hopefully, she eventually sees the wisdom of a female-led relationship and proclaims to her husband, “Behold ME, your Goddess! Now fetch me a whip and bare your bottom, you worm.”
I see a couple of problems with this approach. First off, because of busy work schedules, a significant number of couples have cleaning people who come in once a week. Those who don’t often share household chores. In my case, I was already doing our laundry, making our bed, cleaning the kitchen, helping to clean the rest of the house, taking care of the yard plus doing numerous home improvement projects. I didn’t do much cooking, but then neither did my wife. We ate out and ordered in often. When you add in the romantic gestures I mentioned earlier that were already part of my routine, aside from having a noticeably different attitude in thinking of her as a Goddess, it would have been difficult for me to bring anything significantly new to the party in order to seduce her.
Secondly, according to MSWs who have tried the seduction approach, it is difficult to sustain for any meaningful length of time. Primarily this is because it does not allow him to experience the one aspect of FemDom that satisfies him the most. He may embrace his submissive desires, may see his wife as his Goddess and worship her as such, but it’s still not enough. Fulfillment for an MSW can only begin when the female acknowledges him as her submissive and wields her authority over him in an overt manner. Covert submission does not allow for this because the female does not know what’s going on. There MUST be a formal exchange of power that she not only embraces, but also reminds him of every single day in one way or another. The more she does this, the better he becomes in his submission. It’s the primary and essential ingredient that makes FemDom work in the male submissive’s head. For many submissive men, me included, discipline and control of sex are also important considerations. But more on that later.
SHOCK AND AWE... AND A BIT APPALLED
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Goddess V believes that things happen for a reason. I’m not sure I agree, but if this is so, then I was meant to follow a circuitous path to a couple of Female Superiority websites. I’m not talking about pay porn sites with slick photos of women wearing leather and stiletto-heeled boots. The sites I landed on (which by the way are listed under my favorite links) are largely informational sites, operated by dominant wives for the purpose of promoting female authority in our society. They mostly explain FemDom and Wife-Worship and encourage their sisters to wake up, smell the coffee and start dominating the men in their lives. What I read on these sites both shocked and amazed me. I was amazed at the insight these women have into the male psyche, at their understanding of how men are wired and why we think and act as we do. I have to say I was shocked and sometimes appalled at some of the behavior they advocated, but I must also admit to finding some of it to be erotic. A few even made sense to me from a practical point of view despite being disagreeable to me. Most importantly, the evidence they present to support why women should dominate men made so much sense to me that I found myself agreeing with them in spite of myself. I felt like a traitor to my own brotherhood.
I visited those websites many times and read all these women had to say. I also ordered several books from Amazon (I highly recommend Elise Sutton's book as well as "Venus on Top") and read them cover to cover. I did this on the sly without my wife’s knowledge over the course of about five months. During this time I tried to reflect honestly on how what I read related not only to my personal experiences and observations but also to those of my acquaintances. Lots of disjointed bits and pieces that previously had seemed unrelated came together for the first time. I realized that we had been living a "Yes, Dear Relationship", and though while it had worked for us to a degree, it was actually a source of frustration for us because we both wanted more. I think we both knew we needed to take our relationship to a higher level, we just hadn’t known how. I won’t say at that juncture I didn’t experience misgivings about adopting a FemDom lifestyle, but for the first time it was easy to think of my wife as my Goddess. When I looked at her I saw not only a beautiful woman whom I love dearly, but also a female who is superior to me in so many ways. Worshipping her as my Goddess suddenly made all the sense in the world. Later she would say she detected a change in me well before I finally brought up for discussion the subject of FemDom.
I visited those websites many times and read all these women had to say. I also ordered several books from Amazon (I highly recommend Elise Sutton's book as well as "Venus on Top") and read them cover to cover. I did this on the sly without my wife’s knowledge over the course of about five months. During this time I tried to reflect honestly on how what I read related not only to my personal experiences and observations but also to those of my acquaintances. Lots of disjointed bits and pieces that previously had seemed unrelated came together for the first time. I realized that we had been living a "Yes, Dear Relationship", and though while it had worked for us to a degree, it was actually a source of frustration for us because we both wanted more. I think we both knew we needed to take our relationship to a higher level, we just hadn’t known how. I won’t say at that juncture I didn’t experience misgivings about adopting a FemDom lifestyle, but for the first time it was easy to think of my wife as my Goddess. When I looked at her I saw not only a beautiful woman whom I love dearly, but also a female who is superior to me in so many ways. Worshipping her as my Goddess suddenly made all the sense in the world. Later she would say she detected a change in me well before I finally brought up for discussion the subject of FemDom.
"IF MAMA AIN'T HAPPY..." YOU KNOW THE REST
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I’ve never claimed to be the smartest guy on the block, but little by little, things started to add up in my head. I began to see that when my wife was truly happy, she made my life easier. When I didn’t want to do something in particular, or agree with her on a certain issue, if I simply sucked it up and did what I knew she wanted, it made her happy. And seeing her happy mad me happy. Plus it made our relationship go more smoothly, which made me happier still. On the surface, you might say this was simply a case of a man placating his wife just to keep the peace. All the while with me maintaining an internal air of smugness, thinking I was cajoling her as one might a stubborn or spoiled child. I believe many husbands arrive at this point and never venture beyond. It’s a comfort zone of sorts because it offers the man a false sense of control in the relationship.
I call this a "Yes, Dear Relationship". Evidence abounds that a marriage is happier, lasts longer and over all runs more smoothly when the male concedes, and essentially submits to the female. I believe it’s what the majority of couples have who’ve remained together long-term. Ask any man who’s been married for say, 20 or 25 years and chances are good he’ll agree. He has come to terms with how his wife, more or less, controls most facets of their relationship. This is especially true when it comes to sex (but we’ll venture into that arena later). While husband and wife may agree on certain issues, he realizes he does not understand the thought processes she uses. No, that’s an understatement. He hasn’t the slightest clue as to how the gears mesh and turn inside her head. Clearly she does not think even remotely the way he does, which is to say that in his opinion she does not think correctly. But eventually the husband acquiesces with, “Yes, dear,” just to pacify her, just to keep the peace. Self-righteous? Absolutely. But in defense of my male brethren, I’ll submit that it helps a man define who he is as a husband. It’s a way to validate, in his mind anyway, his worth as a partner: he’s man enough to give in to the little lady because after all, she’s just a woman. Is this being magnanimous? Well, yes, but in a patronizing way.
Having a "Yes, Dear Relationship" is like being a miner who digs and digs for years and years, finds enough nuggets along the way to entice, if not frustrate him, yet gives up just inches before hitting the mother load. If he had known about the huge reward within reach, he surely would have dug further. If he had known the true value of the payoff, he would never have settled for mere nuggets. The "Yes, Dear Relationship" is at the very threshold of FemDom. But of course it requires taking things just a bit further.
I realized that in most cases (not all, but most), when I did as my wife said, it ultimately turned out that she was right. I saw that she is smarter than I when it comes to raising children, social relationships, marriage, matters of the heart and living life in general. And the reality was that when I conceded without argument to her point of view, any resentment I felt over “giving in” quickly faded away. Overall, life became more enjoyable. I began to wonder, if she was right on this front, could she also be right about that Goddess business? So one fateful day I Googled the word Goddess. I was looking for tarot cards for her birthday. She has an interest in such things, and I thought it would be fun to give her cards with a Goddess theme. I found them on Amazon, but as you know from surfing the Internet, one link leads to another and another. Ultimately I followed links to more than Goddess tarot cards. I followed them to discover the Goddess within my wife. I found Goddess V.
I call this a "Yes, Dear Relationship". Evidence abounds that a marriage is happier, lasts longer and over all runs more smoothly when the male concedes, and essentially submits to the female. I believe it’s what the majority of couples have who’ve remained together long-term. Ask any man who’s been married for say, 20 or 25 years and chances are good he’ll agree. He has come to terms with how his wife, more or less, controls most facets of their relationship. This is especially true when it comes to sex (but we’ll venture into that arena later). While husband and wife may agree on certain issues, he realizes he does not understand the thought processes she uses. No, that’s an understatement. He hasn’t the slightest clue as to how the gears mesh and turn inside her head. Clearly she does not think even remotely the way he does, which is to say that in his opinion she does not think correctly. But eventually the husband acquiesces with, “Yes, dear,” just to pacify her, just to keep the peace. Self-righteous? Absolutely. But in defense of my male brethren, I’ll submit that it helps a man define who he is as a husband. It’s a way to validate, in his mind anyway, his worth as a partner: he’s man enough to give in to the little lady because after all, she’s just a woman. Is this being magnanimous? Well, yes, but in a patronizing way.
Having a "Yes, Dear Relationship" is like being a miner who digs and digs for years and years, finds enough nuggets along the way to entice, if not frustrate him, yet gives up just inches before hitting the mother load. If he had known about the huge reward within reach, he surely would have dug further. If he had known the true value of the payoff, he would never have settled for mere nuggets. The "Yes, Dear Relationship" is at the very threshold of FemDom. But of course it requires taking things just a bit further.
I realized that in most cases (not all, but most), when I did as my wife said, it ultimately turned out that she was right. I saw that she is smarter than I when it comes to raising children, social relationships, marriage, matters of the heart and living life in general. And the reality was that when I conceded without argument to her point of view, any resentment I felt over “giving in” quickly faded away. Overall, life became more enjoyable. I began to wonder, if she was right on this front, could she also be right about that Goddess business? So one fateful day I Googled the word Goddess. I was looking for tarot cards for her birthday. She has an interest in such things, and I thought it would be fun to give her cards with a Goddess theme. I found them on Amazon, but as you know from surfing the Internet, one link leads to another and another. Ultimately I followed links to more than Goddess tarot cards. I followed them to discover the Goddess within my wife. I found Goddess V.
ME, SUBMISSIVE? WHO KNEW?
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I should probably make something clear at the start. You will frequently read that submissive men know they are submissive, often as early as childhood. Out of shame, guilt and fear of rejection, they typically conceal and often suppress their need to be dominated well into adulthood and sometimes throughout their entire lifetimes. If this is true, and many submissive men indicate that it is, then I am an exception to the rule. I spent over 20 years in a reasonably happy marriage with an assertive, but not particularly dominant woman, and never once consciously entertained a desire to kneel at her feet or bare my bottom for a spanking. Incidentally, that reference to my conscious level is for all the psych majors out there who will be quick to point out that perhaps I was suppressing a subconscious desire to submit. All things are possible I suppose, so if this true, I didn’t know it, and thus was spared years of discontent.
As the bumper sticker says, "Shit Happens". Indeed. My first marriage went down the toilet. It had little to do with FemDom and everything to do with two mules wearing blinders, in the same harness, but pulling in different directions. Then I met a woman with a bumper sticker that said something entirely different. Prominently displayed in purple on the rear window of her car read the words, "Worship Me as the Goddess I Am". Mind you, she did not act like a prima donna. Far from it. She was warm, personable, caring, respectful, loving and generous. While she carried herself with an air of confidence that demanded respect and consideration as a human being, she did this without the slightest hint of arrogance or conceit. Nonetheless, I took offense to those purple words and remember thinking more than once, “Who in the hell does she think she is?” Despite my umbrage over a bumper sticker, this woman very quickly became my confidant and best friend, later my lover, and eventually my wife. When the sticker become worn and faded by the weather, I scraped it away and felt so much better with that Goddess business gone. As I write these words, I have to smile at my naiveté at the time. Uhuh, the bumper sticker was gone, but the Goddess business? Not a chance.
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW
Think about that. I do. What I didn’t know nearly cost me the opportunity to be happier than I have ever been, in ways I never imagined. You might say that my inability to understand the intrinsic wisdom in worshipping a woman, any woman as my Goddess represented the pinnacle of macho stupidity. I loved her and felt as if I treated her better in most ways than any man treated a woman. After all, she was the best thing that had happened to me in many years and I knew it. But she would often remark that I was not attentive enough. I found this positively maddening because I felt as if I was doing what it took to make her see how much I loved her. I brought her flowers weekly, I wrote her poems and love notes. I spent hundreds of dollars on greeting cards. I painted her pictures (I’m the creative type by the way). I did crazy, romantic things like sticking dozens of paper pink hearts all over her car on Valentine's Day, hand-making 45 individual birthday cards for her 45th birthday, waiting for her in the bathtub wearing only a pair of black socks (what can I say: she has a thing for men’s feet in black socks), ordering vanity license plates with her name on them, and on and on. But there was one thing I wasn't doing. Though I loved her more than I could tell her, in my mind, I did not have her on a pedestal. She was my wife, my lover, my partner and my most trusted friend, but I was not truly worshipping her as my Goddess. And that made all the difference.
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