The normalcy of abnormality

The July-August 2008 issue of Psychology Today featured this provocative cover, along with an article from which I’ve include a few excerpts.

A man trolls through web sites, searching for someone to fulfill his fantasy. Waves of anticipation alternate with a nagging fear that he will be exposed as a freak, a pervert as being abnormal.

What would his friends and family think of him if they knew his secret goal in life was to marry and kneel and kiss, and even lick, the feet of a dominant woman? What if they could read the thoughts lurking inside his mind, dark thoughts of being locked in a chastity device or turned bare-ass over his wife's knee for misbehaving in a manner that displeased her.

According to this Psych Today article, Feelings or habits... that are out of the ordinary can cause anguish to those who can't understand—and don't appreciate—their own outré tendencies. Of course some people are proud to be twisted, and even cultivate strangeness, but why do many others obsess over not being normal?

Says Dustin Wood, an assistant professor of psychology at Wake Forest University in North Carolina, "Normality is the barometer people use to figure out if they're acting the way they should be."

It turns out that Wood supposedly has made the ‘surprising’ discovery that being normal is actually extraordinary… or, umm, abnormal. He says that normal is comprised of an unusual combination of specific traits that all have to do with being extra likable. People who see themselves as most normal (and are seen that way by others) are much less neurotic than the average person, uncommonly easy to get along with, unusually respectful of propriety, and highly responsible.

But alas, normal people may be nicer than average, but they also have character traits that aren't universally appealing. According to Wood, they're not adventurous. They're not above average in intelligence, nor are they outgoing. Truth be told, a lot of our best qualities are unusual, or--you guessed it--ABNORMAL.

Now if you’re anything like me, right about now you’re shaking your head and saying to yourself, “What the hell?” This is probably exactly why the editor of Psych Today decided they needed to punch up newsstand appeal by splashing a dominatrix on the cover. Give readers a spicy graphic and teaser headline and maybe they’ll be too stupid to ask intelligent questions.

Journalism like this makes we want to not read much of anything being cranked out by the mainstream media these days. So much of it amounts to being nothing more than a pile of crap, as evidenced by the whip-wielding babe in the dominatrix outfit. Obviously the emphasis here is on selling newsstand copies versus meaningful reporting that might actually help a reader.

What some of us really want is insight allowing us to accurately access whether or not VeezKnight and Goddess V are twisted wackos for creating this blog? Or whether or not YOU are a pee in the same pod for reading it? Or whether or not those of us in or seeking FemDom relationships are hopelessly too far outside of acceptable mainstream behavior. Or whether or not maybe, just maybe we are on the cusp of a dramatic change in our society from patriarchy to matriarchy?

I wonder: does it really matter? If we are to glean anything at all from the lackluster PT article, it’s the fact that normalcy is apparently a less than abundant commodity in our society. Who’da thunk it! Moreover, in some learned camps, being normal is consider to be, in a word--BORING.


So who the hell cares? Besides, even if you do lust over being whipped by a powerful dominatrix, I’m thinking that maybe, just maybe you aren’t so out-of-the-ordinary. Check out the website of Mini Cooper of Canada. It features a PVC clad domme wielding a whip, flogger, paddle and feather tickler. Oh yeah, she’s supposed to be selling Mini Coopers… but is she really? As the Canadians say, ya gotta give your head a shake.

Check it out
http://www.neverinneutral.com/dominatrix/subpage.html

One picture is worth a thousand words

This photo apparently is currently circulating throughout email land, and was forwarded to me this morning by a married friend who, while being an "in-charge" kinda guy, has been happily married long enough to know who REALLY leads the relationship. The subject line of the email read: A man's life summed up in one photo!! I got a good laugh when I opened the email and saw the picture. Indeed, it does pretty much say it all. The interesting thing is that most men will look at this picture and smile and pass the email on to a buddy. That's because most guys in their heart of hearts know this to be true. A submissive man knows better than most that it is through our own sexuality that women have the ultimate power to control us. The hell of it is, this is not something that men voluntarily give to women. It was wired into us by Mother Nature, so there must be a damn good reason for it—don't ya think?

She Makes the Rules

In case you're not aware, the Venus On Top Yahoo forum I've mentioned here in the past is no longer functional. But that's not bad news because it's been replaced by a brand new free website that is only a few weeks old and already has 1000+ members. Called She Makes the Rules, it's run by the same moderators who were in charge of VOT. Barbara Wright Abernathy, who founded VOT, is supportive but no longer directly involved. The purpose of the site is to provide a non-threatening introduction to female-led relationships and loving female authority. Toward that end, the moderators do not allow any posts or photos that are too over the top. However, they allow far more latitude regarding some of the kinkier issues often associated with female domination than was ever the case with VOT.

Unfortunately, it's looking more and more as if Around Her Finger has gone into cyber limbo. The Addison's website hasn't changed in years, and now the blog on which they faithfully posted new letters each and every month, has remained static since April. Not a good sign. So if you are in the process of adopting an FLR, or are looking for a non-threatening venue to help introduce the lifestyle to your spouse, She Makes the Rules is now just about the only game in town. Becoming an SMTR member is a must.

So check it out. You'll find discussions on all sorts of topics and you can create your own forum topic as well. And if you are single, there's a section in which you can place a personal ad to help you meet a dominant or submissive partner. I've added a link in the Additional Resources section at right.

Update June 12th:
Happily, the Around Her Finger Q/A blog run by Ken & Emily Addison is still in operation. The link is listed at right.

Update June 28th
She Makes the Rules has now been up for 8 weeks and already has 1500 members. Of course you always have your share of lurkers and those who join but never return, but so far discussions on this forum are first-rate. It's obvious the moderators are spending an enormous amount of time ensuring SMTR is both a success and non-threatening as possible to new-comers. If you are interested enough in Loving Female Authority to be reading this blog, then you really should be a member of SMTR.

Internet nonsense

I am constantly amazed at the nonsense one can find on the Internet, some of it posted by seemingly well-meaning people. Consider this recent post in a forum about disciplinary wives:

“I don't think it takes a rocket scientist to understand a man with a small penis might be more submissive than a man with a normal or large penise. As society and/or human nature views anything to do with ‘normal’, the penis is rather significant. Many men with this problem consider themselves inadequate and as such, submission to women is almost necessary for a marriage or relationship, to work.”

The fellow concluded by saying:

“There are usually reasons for smaller than a normal size [penis]. In my case, I was born 2 months premature in 1939. I missed the lineup for sexual organs and brains, and to be truthful, should never have married.”

No offense to the guy who wrote the post, but when I got to that last sentence, I couldn’t help but think …missed the lineup for brains? You can say THAT again! Does this mean that all submissive men are sub-standard in the endowment area? Is this what makes a man submissive—or not? What about a guy who is "cursed" with a big schlong? Would he physically be incapable of making an acceptable submissive? Maybe when pigs fly.

Over on another Loving Female Authority blog, a dominant friend of ours recently wrote about how submissive men routinely ask her if she enjoys humiliating men. Knowing that some submissive men want dominant women to make fun of their penises, telling them they are too small to be worthy or respect, she made it clear she has nothing but respect for a man who is submissive and gives himself up to her.

She said she sees no reason (and Goddess V and I concur) why a dominate woman must belittle the man who submits to her. While it's true that for many submissive men, a certain amount of humiliation in a relationship is welcome, there is nothing written in stone of which I am aware that says humiliation is required in a female-led relationship.

So way to go to those submissive guys who think they need to be treated as lowly worms for having tiny tools that couldn’t possible satisfy a woman. We men already take heat for thinking with the wrong heard… you know, the ‘little’ head that holds a brain far smaller then the ‘big’ head. With talk like this, you’re gonna create the impression that our already impaired thinking capacity is diminished even further among submissive men due to having small ‘little’ heads.

Here’s another hot one. The same dominant woman mentioned in her blog how she got an email from a guy asking her if she would like to cut off a man’s testicles and penis.

Can you imagine? Are there men out there who actually desire this? Or are they concerned that a dominant woman would actually want to do this to her man?

I had to chuckle at this one, not because it was so outlandish as to be absurd, but because it put me in mind of a time some years ago. Goddess V and I were out having fun with another couple when the subject turned to “pussy-whipped” husbands. The other husband and I joked about how when a guy gets married, the wife pretty takes control of this balls to the point where the guy has to ask something like, “Hey honey, can I wear my balls tonight?”

A few weeks later as a gag gift, since both of us had agreed we were no longer in possession of our family jewels, the same guy presented me with a set of truck testicles. This happened about the time Goddess V and I were talking about adopting a FemDom relationship. Before the evening was over, she had taken possession of my replacement balls and tucked them away in her purse for safe keeping. Goddess V usually carries a large purse—perhaps in case she encounters a large set of balls she needs to take control of—LOL.

No matter. I didn’t mind Goddess V taking away my testicles. I can assure you however, this was the closest we have ever come to anything remotely concerning castration.

The length (and girth?) of penetration

Across the Internet a friend recently wrote on her blog about “the length of sex”. I added a comment to that post and in so doing I thought I’d like to say a bit more. My own title here admittedly is misleading because I’ve deliberately alluded to what could be considered a corollary issue. My friend’s original post dealt only with duration of sex: specifically, an Australian study reporting common duration of sex (and I assume, penetration) to be between 3 and 13 minutes. That led to discussion and comments speculating as to whether or not prolonged penetration is truly preferable, and if not, why we as a culture might be predisposed to think that it is.

As a male I certainly can’t profess to be an expert on how women feel about penetration, but I’d hazard a guess that more men than women consider prolonged periods of penetration to be desirable if not necessary to truly satisfy a woman. I suspect the pornography industry is the culprit here. Male studs in these movies go and go and go before they, ah, cum. If they didn’t go the full distance during the original shoot (sorry, couldn’t resist), video can be edited in such a way as to give the impression that they did. I’ve watched some of those guys have at it and couldn’t help but think to myself, “Damn, he’s the man.” And what of the sex kittens on the business end of the impressive length and girth these studs always seem to wield? Not a whole lot of purring going on as far as kittens go, but if one can judge pleasure by the number of times they shout, “Oh yeah, oh yeah,” I’m guessing they love every exhausting minute.

Men need to get over their bad selves. I mean, where do guys get the idea that great sex… good sex… ANY kind of sex needs to revolve around that little guy between their legs. Yeah, I said little—compared to an eight pound baby (and I’ve popped out four of them), ALL cocks are little. Here’s another thought that might prick a few over inflated egos! Since VK and I went FemDom, we’ve had less intercourse—a lot less—and I’m having more powerful orgasms than ever. ☺ Intercourse, of any duration, no longer defines how we have sex. It can still be one of the ingredients, but when it is, it’s never the main event the way it used to be. You might say that I have reduced Vk’s penis to playing a less prominent role in our sexual activities.

Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against sexual intercourse. I think most women would admit there are times when a woman just wants a good, hard fuck. But I also think that’s more the exception than the rule. So apart from that, I like intercourse not so much for physical pleasure and more for the emotional connection it provides between two people who love each other. The fact of the matter is I never got off all that well during intercourse anyway—not nearly like I do in other ways. It always seemed to me that intercourse somehow benefited the man more than the woman anyway. I gave up too many mercy fucks in my twenties and thirties because I allowed a man to make me feel guilty if I denied him. It was easier just to spread my legs. I doubt there’s a wife on the planet who hasn’t made a grocery list in her head while hubby humped away. Oh how the rules have changed!

International Women’s Day

A global day of celebration, March 8th is a day on which thousands of events are held throughout the world connecting all women around the world to recognize their accomplishments and to inspire them to achieve their full potential. IWD is certainly a good thing, but I think it’s interesting that while the world sets aside a meager one day each year to celebrate the glory of being a women, those of us fortunate to be in wife-led marriages and female-led relationships celebrate it every day of the year.

Tintinnabulation, chocolate chip cookies and other creative ways to discipline your man

This dominant matriarch went from baking chocolate chip cookies with the grandkids to ordering grand pop to worship her gnarly feet before she thumps his ass with the same wooden spoon she used to mix the cookie batter. I’m thinking: this ain’t your average submissive man’s fantasy when it comes to domestic discipline. Submissive men tend to have ideas in their heads, often artfully constructed ideas, governing how they see themselves being controlled and disciplined. Reality however, usually plays out differently.

Over in the VOT Forum they’ve been sharing real-world methods that some of the dominant women members use to enforce and maintain control over their submissive men. There’s definitely spanking going on in many of the wife-led households, but it’s often cited that the challenge with this is a submissive man often enjoys being spanked. So what’s the point of using spanking as discipline? Ditto for other forms of discipline and enforcement. And no, the lady pictured in the photo is not Goddess V. She just happens to be wearing pink pumps that look very similar to Goddess V's. Apparently both dominant ladies were attracted to the same shoes. Imagine that.

Fantasies aside, it comes down to finding practical disciplinary procedures and other effective methods for a dominant woman to send her man the message that She is in charge. VOT ladies have suggested that if a man enjoys being spanked, a better way to discipline is not to give a spanking but to withhold it. I guess you could say the rule of thumb here is to find something he likes and take it away: a favorite TV show, the Internet, etc… Other methods they use include “parking” their man, (having him stay in one place without moving); corner time (with or without the stool and the dunce cap); holding a coin against a wall with his nose; sleeping on the floor; not allowing their man to worship them in whatever ways they normally enjoy. The list goes on, with the emphasis on being creative and variation of the enforcement methods.

People are apt to consider discipline and punishment as being the same thing, so I think it important to draw a distinction between the two. Discipline is an on-going regiment meant to achieve and maintain a certain behavior. In this case of course the desired behavior is the male’s submission to the female’s authority. As such, discipline may include a reminder of consequences if the desired regiment is not maintained. Punishment on the other hand IS the consequence that is incurred when the desired regiment is not maintained.

I personally have come to believe that domestic discipline is a necessary part of a wife-led marriage. I won’t speak for all submissive men (you guys can chime in if you like), but speaking strictly for myself, I feel as if I need a routine of discipline. Sometimes more so than others. Sometimes more than what Goddess V subjects me to. You can keep the dog crate for use with Fido, but I do happen to like being spanked. But wait. Let me back up a little. I like the IDEA of being spanked. I suppose it has to do with the feeling of vulnerability and humiliation of being turned over a woman’s knee. Yes, it also has an erotic nature to it, especially when the spanking leads to play time. But make no mistake: not being a masochist, I do not enjoy the pain. So at least on a conscious level, I can’t say I ever deliberately misbehave just to receive a spanking.

So how about a few more imaginative ways to discipline or punish a problem sub hub. Hey, how about putting a lock on the cookie jar instead of you-know-what? No more homemade chocolate chip cookies! Or how about having hubby clean house au natural with a couple of bells tied to his tallywhacker while he recites Edgar Allen Poe:
…the swinging and the ringing… the jingling and the tinkling… the tintinnabulation that so musically wells from the bells, bells, bells, bells, bells, bells, bells…

Incidentally, this photo shown is of an actual wind chime that was excavated from the ruins of Pompeii. Residents of that ancient city surely must have been a fun loving lot.

GoddessV got a new pair of shoes

But that’s really only a small part of a story that begins a few years ago when we first visited a small restaurant and cocktail lounge not far from where we live. Inside we met a friendly staff and a clientele that was mostly in our age bracket. The atmosphere was pleasant, the food was very good and the prices were reasonable. Later in the evening we slow danced to songs we requested from a husband/wife singing duo who entertained on the weekends. We were hooked.

Friday evenings at this establishment became a weekly routine for us. It was a date night so to speak that took us off the beaten path and away from our normal circle of friends. We got to know the manager, the bar tenders, the entertainers and many of the couples who also frequented the place. But we were still able to stay to ourselves and talk just to each other if that’s what we wanted. We could mingle with other couples when we wanted. We slow danced when we wanted, mostly with each other, but sometimes with others. Goddess V sometimes put on a show when the entertainers sang “Tequila Maker Her Clothes Come Off.” Friday nights were an outing we looked forward to each week. Then it all changed.

Management objectives changed in order to attract a younger crowd. The manager of the establishment was fired. Much of the staff left. Beer signs appeared on the walls. The dance floor was mostly covered with video machines. The singers were fired and replaced with young, loud bands. Goddess V and I soon stopped frequenting the place, and so did nearly all of the people we’d gotten to know there. For about a year and a half we lamented over what had happened and wished we could find another similar place were we could talk and dance and generally reconnect at the end of each week. We never found such a place. And then a minor miracle occurred.

This past Friday night found us back in our old stomping grounds. Quite unexpectedly. The singers were back. A friend or ours had been hired as the new manager. Many of the people we’d gotten to know turned out to kick off what we hope will be a return to what we all enjoyed so well. It was like old times. We ate, we drank, we talked, we laughed, we danced to some of our favorite songs. It was all so comfortable and familiar it felt as if we’d come back home.

For about five hours we were much more than a domme and her submissive. Of course that is what we are, but apart from our D/s relationship, we were a middle-aged married couple who enjoy each other’s company enough to be able to have fun together and be happy. And the fact that Goddess V was wearing a new pair of hot pink pumps certainly didn’t mar the evening. They did not go unnoticed by several of the men.

A V-day rant

Every week on my way back into town I stop and buy Goddess V a dozen roses. I used to get them from a florist, but now I get them from, of all places, a grocery store. Actually it's much more than a grocery store. They typically have at least 20 or 30 dozen in all colors to choose from. The price? A very affordable $9.99 plus 6% tax bringing the total to $10.59. And they are so fresh they normally last a week, sometimes 2 weeks, depending on the color and length of the stems.

Yesterday I stopped as part of my homecoming ritual only to find the price had jumped to $39.99. Simply because it was Valentine's Day. Goddess V and I had anticipated this would happen (thanks to good ole American capitalism), and she had told me to skip the flowers if the price was higher. And I did. I don't need an overly commercialized "holiday" as a reason to buy my wife flowers, or give her a greeting card. We give each other cards all the time. And sometimes, I create my own. Next week the roses will be back to their normal price and I will go back to my normal routine. I should probably add that I don't bring Goddess V flowers every week because I am her submissive. I did this before I'd even knew about wife-led marriage. Hmmm, maybe that was a clue.

Back in the saddle... err... cage again

Last Monday evening VK and I spent some time in our hot tub after dinner. Afterward, as usual, I left my wet towel laying on the floor of our bedroom, expecting him to take care of it—which he did. Then I went into our living room to watch some TV and do a crossword puzzle while VK stayed in our bedroom to fold two baskets of laundry he had done earlier. He was getting up at 4 am the following morning to go out of town, so when he finished the laundry he came into the living room to kiss me good-night. Standing in front of me he discretely pulled open the fly of his flannel lounging pants to reveal he had put on his CB3000. VK had run the hasp of the lock through the locking pin to temporarily hold everything together, but he hadn’t closed it. “Care to do the honors?” he asked.

It had been since last March that I’d worn my CD due to a series of health issues and surgeries. We hadn’t been using the device 24/7, but we were beginning to use it more regularly when my health issues came along. I’d had the CB3000 on again for the first time a couple of weeks ago, for five days as I recall, but had to remove it because it was chaffing too badly. I figured I’d give it another shot to see what happened.

Last Spring when Goddess V and I were talking about chastity, she said she didn’t want the chastity device thing to become a chore for her to concern herself with. She said while there would be times when she would instruct me to put my CD on, she saw no reason why I couldn’t take the lead on using it. For instance, when I was going out of town (knowing she likes it when I'm locked up), I should take it upon myself to put on the device without being instructed to do so, then simply ask her to install the lock. It felt a little awkward to me, almost as if I were topping from the bottom, but since Goddess V had suggested we handle it this way, that’s what I did. I also had to wait until the kids were upstairs so they couldn't see what was going on. I suppose it might have been nicer to have a more formal "locking ceremony", but as it was, she was pleasantly surprised, smiled at me and said, "Ewww, I LIKE it." Confirmation that the woman I worship was pleased made all the difference. I went to bed feeling good about the lock on my cock being a symbol of my submission to her.

Some dominant wives might think this is a lax way to deal with a husband’s chastity. I know that some favor the use of devices and some don’t. I’m kind of in the middle. I trust VK enough that I don’t feel as though we must use the CB3000 all the time. On the other hand, I kinda like seeing him locked up. It’s that hardware thing I’ve got going on. Those who do use a CD probably take a more hands-on approach than I do with VK. But truth be told, for me to constantly enforce my husband’s chastity with a device is a chore I don’t particularly what to be burdened with. I figure, why can’t it be like the laundry? VK knows it’s his job to do it without me telling him to. So why can’t he also lock himself up without being told.

A dominant woman I know wrote on her blog, “I think that orgasm control is a main tenet of a female led relationship. In the FLRs that I am aware of, almost every one that is successful includes orgasm control in some way. Some use the honor method and some use chastity devices. Personally, I am a fan of the chastity device concept. I don't trust a man not to cheat, and also I think that the device encourages the behavior that I expect from a man. Most submissive men I know both desire and fear this until they use one. And most I have talked to who have used them for a while wouldn't give them up.”

24/7 chastity is an intriguing idea—and I’m not saying this isn’t something I won’t decide I want in the future. My D/s experience is limited to my FLR with VeezKnight, but from what I’ve experience with him, I agree. I’m seeing there’s a lot to be said for enforced male chastity. One way or another, the more absolute a woman’s control over her husband’s orgasms the better… and I’m finding that the sub hub likes it as well. That's VK in the photo above, wearing boxers he designed and gave to me this Christmas. So what's that tell you? :)

This month on Around Her Finger, even Emily Addison, who is careful to steer clear of what some might consider to be kinkier sides of wife-led marriage advised a reader, “Take whatever measures are necessary to make certain he is not cheating on your orgasm management.” Even without her adding the bold typeface, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that she is really saying, even if you have to put a lock on that thing, make sure he isn’t taking care of himself on his own. When I’m out and about and wearing my CB3000, I constantly wonder how man other men are wearing a CD. Certainly not many, but that number may be increasing faster than we know as wives get wise to the many benefits of wife-led marriage.

The sign says it

This past Friday night I screwed up. I should have known better—and I DO know better. I guess you could say I just wasn’t thinking, even though at some level I knew damn well I was heading in the wrong direction at the time.

Goddess V had tried during the day on Friday to assemble a few couples to our home for drinks and parlor games that evening. Admittedly it was a last-minute deal and as it happened, she couldn’t connect with anyone. So we ended up going to our local watering hole for some dinner and a few drinks. Early on in the evening, two couples who Goddess V had tried to connect with walked in. They simply hadn’t gotten the messages Goddess V had left. Eventually the three ladies decided we’d leave the bar and go back to our house to play Pictionary.

One of the husbands didn’t really want to do that, and said so. This is where I screwed up. I sided more with my male friend who didn’t want to play Pictionary than I did with Goddess V, who of course DID want to play. Amongst the six of us it became one of those back-and-forth, we’re-going-we’re-not-going things. We ended up not going to our house, and the evening ended early with Goddess V paying our check and announcing she was leaving. Since she had the car keys, I had to make hasty good-byes to everyone in the bar to avoid having to walk home.

We didn’t talk during the 5-minute ride home and once inside we went to separate rooms. We ended up sleeping apart that night. The next morning about all we said to each other was, “good morning.” There was a point in our earlier relationship when this riff would have gone on, perhaps all weekend—or longer. This had been a huge problem in our earlier years together. Largely, I was the culprit, I guess because for some ridiculous reason, I found it easier to let silence and ill feelings prevail rather than to get into a confrontation--or worse--an admission of guilt.


Adopting a wife-led marriage has changed this in how we relate to each other, or rather, it’s helping to change this by making it easier for me to kiss up when I screw up. This has gone a long way toward directing us to a happier place. During the course of Saturday morning I went into the living room, knelt beside Goddess V and kissed her bare feet. I said that I was sorry for the way the night had gone. Then I beat a hasty retreat to the basement to work on a home improvement project. (Okay, so what if I'm afraid of her when she is angry at me.) Eventually she came downstairs twice to speak her mind. The first time she came down to say I should have supported her better despite what I or any of my friends wanted. This of course I already knew full-well.

The second time she came down she informed me that in her opinion, I too often assumed the submissive role in our marriage only when it was completely convenient for me. I knew she was right about this too and had been thinking about this all morning. She also told me that she had wanted to spank me but hadn’t because she was so angry she had been afraid she would have ended up hurting me. Hearing this, I wished she’d brought out the paddle anyway. It would have made it easier to atone for my screw up, and a few minutes of physical pain would have been easier to take than hours of thinking about, knowing and dwelling on how wrong I had been.

We face many moments in our lives when we must make decisions, to take or not to take certain actions. Often our choice seems inconsequential in the scheme of things, but another way of looking at it is to say we face a series of crossroads that collectively define in which direct our life travels. Goddess V and I faced a major crossroad when we decided to adopt an FLR. But with the weekend’s events, I am reminded that was not the only crossroad we will face in this lifestyle. Saying I want to be part of a FemDom marriage, and being submissive most of the time isn’t enough. Not for her. Not for me. I’m thinking that in order for Goddess V to fully embrace and wield her authority over me, she must know that she can absolutely depend on my respect for and submission to her authority—ALL of the time, not just when it’s convenient for me.

I feel bad in that this weekend I not only made Goddess V angry, I also let her down. But I do feel good in that at least I see where I went wrong and will make an effort to better live up to my half of our agreement. I don't wanna veer left or right simply because that direction seems to be more convenient for me. Straight ahead is where my true happiness lies.

A slave to the dollar

Going forward, if this blog is to be of better use to readers, I think it would be beneficial to place less emphasis on the theory of Loving Female Authority, and more emphasis on personal, real-world application of the lifestyle. Namely, that of yours truly. There is no shortage of sources outlining the ABCs of LFA, and while this is helpful from a purely informational standpoint, a pitfall is that one may be led into thinking, “This is how a real FLR should be. I should be doing all the housework,” or, “She should be handling all the finances.” This is where a look at how Goddess V and I work together in our marriage may hopefully create some balance. Its not meant to be a recipe for the perfect FemDom marriage, but merely a glimpse at how we interact as domme and submissive, and a few snapshots illustrating some of what we’ve learned thus far in our D/s relationship.

Across cyber space in the Venus on Top group, one of the male members counseled a fellow submissive that he should unequivocally relinquish all personal wealth as well as responsibility for finances to his mistress. He was probably parroting something he’d read on one FemDom site or another, that only then could a man know the peace of a “true” FLR. In response to this advice, QueenBee Debbie, a female moderator of this group, angrily aimed her stinger at this notion. I recall thinking to myself when I first read the man’s post, that some men seem to have an amazingly myopic view of what should comprise “proper behavior” of a submissive male. It did my heart good to read that a dominant woman agreed.

We’ve all read about the submissive male who either does not work or has direct deposit into an account to which he has no access. Furthermore, all possessions, house, cars, investments, even the toaster and lawnmower are in his lady’s name. He gets only a meager allowance that she determines. Being a total financial slave may be a noble notion, even romantic to some submissive men. But in reality, its downright impractical if not imbecilic. I won’t bother with running down the many, many reasons for this. If you can’t pull at least a half a dozen from your gray matter on your own, then you’re not likely to be convinced of this anyway. I suspect I’ll incur the wrath of a few “true” male subs when I say that I’d guess there are about as many real-world submissive men who actually practice total financial servitude as who eat dinner from a dog dish and sleep in a cage at the foot of the bed.

Having said all that, now I’ll tell you that Goddess V controls most of the money in our relationship. LOL. We both work fulltime. I would have no problem staying at home to keep house, but I earn more than twice what she earns. My pay is deposited directly into joint checking and savings accounts from which Goddess V pays all the bills electronically and sets aside what she can for our future (which she will tell you is getting harder and harder these days with the escalating cost of living). I get a weekly allowance that often allows me to stash away ten or twenty bucks for a rainy day. That rainy day typically comes round nearly every few weeks when for one of a thousand reasons, money for the week is tighter than usual. We operate on a cash basis as much as possible, but we both carry plastic. I may not use my credit cards or my debit card unless I check with Goddess V.

We eat out more than we should and when we do, Goddess V nearly always pays the check. (She often orders for me as well.) In fact, when we do anything that costs money, she normally pays. We usually discuss large purchases, but I must tell you that she arranged the last two large buys which were both automobiles. One of them is in my name, the other is in both names because it meant getting a better interest rate versus putting it in just hers. Goddess V arranged the refi on our home last year, and added my name to the deed in the process. She also made all of the vacation arrangements and took care of associated expenses, but after I researched and recommended the resort. When it comes to home decorating and remodeling, I pretty much have carte blanche, provided I listen to her ideas first, then put my creative spin on her vision.

Regardless of our respective dominant and submissive roles, it’s a toss up as to which of us is best suited to handle the finances in our marriage. Both of us are reasonably intelligent and have a healthy respect for what a dollar can and cannot buy. But neither of us is overly smart with money either. Were that true, we wouldn’t still be working at this stage of our lives. Money is nearly always an issue in one way or another. As with many marriages, vanilla or otherwise, if we are going to argue about something, it will typically be about… you guessed it. I get more cranked up over it than she. Though dominant and submissive, we are no different than the majority of working people: there never seems to be quite enough money by one standard, yet always just enough by another. Maddening how that works. It’s almost as if it were planned, is it not?

Coming... and going

Well, maybe not completely just yet, but we're coming back. You see, the thing is, Goddess V and I have a real-world relationship, meaning our marriage is subject to real world pressures. As is often said, "Shit happens." Since last Spring, we've had our share of crap happen to us: illness, job challenges, surgery, loss of loved ones and so forth. The end result is that we've been preoccupied and not much inclined to post to this blog.

The good news is that through it all Goddess V and I have hung together. Better, we're coming away from these experiences with changed attitudes about certain things and some new ways of thinking as well. We are sure this will serve us well by helping us make the most of our lives (both as individuals and as a couple) in the coming months and years.

While they are leaving
I'm sad to say the Female Led Forum is closing down by the end of this week. Goddess Aradia and Goddess Holly have decided enough is enough and are no longer willing to keep the group going. Moreover, they are unwilling to allow someone else to step in and take over. In the year or so that I belonged to the group, there were never more than about 150 members, but because members were required to post at least once each month, it was a fairly active group. It was a good place to seek advice or just compare notes with people who share a common interest in establishing and maintaining an FLR. There are a lot of crappy FemDom websites out there, but even though I had trouble identifying with some of the group members, this was one of the best for practical, no-nonsense information about female led relationships.

And VOT is coming
The ladies who run the Yahoo Venus on Top Forum are working on an improved VOT website to promote female led relationships (see like to current site at right). They say the revised site will be up and running soon and will be a non-threatening place where vanilla-oriented women can go to learn more about this lifestyle. Not only will this help fill the void left by the defunct forum mentioned above, the fact that the intention is to be "vanilla with a twist", it may prove to be a very valuable new source that will help advance the FLR cause.