The sign says it


This past Friday night I screwed up. I should have known better—and I DO know better. I guess you could say I just wasn’t thinking, even though at some level I knew damn well I was heading in the wrong direction at the time.

Goddess V had tried during the day on Friday to assemble a few couples to our home for drinks and parlor games that evening. Admittedly it was a last-minute deal and as it happened, she couldn’t connect with anyone. So we ended up going to our local watering hole for some dinner and a few drinks. Early on in the evening, two couples who Goddess V had tried to connect with walked in. They simply hadn’t gotten the messages Goddess V had left. Eventually the three ladies decided we’d leave the bar and go back to our house to play Pictionary.

One of the husbands didn’t really want to do that, and said so. This is where I screwed up. I sided more with my male friend who didn’t want to play Pictionary than I did with Goddess V, who of course DID want to play. Amongst the six of us it became one of those back-and-forth, we’re-going-we’re-not-going things. We ended up not going to our house, and the evening ended early with Goddess V paying our check and announcing she was leaving. Since she had the car keys, I had to make hasty good-byes to everyone in the bar to avoid having to walk home.

We didn’t talk during the 5-minute ride home and once inside we went to separate rooms. We ended up sleeping apart that night. The next morning about all we said to each other was, “good morning.” There was a point in our earlier relationship when this riff would have gone on, perhaps all weekend—or longer. This had been a huge problem in our earlier years together. Largely, I was the culprit, I guess because for some ridiculous reason, I found it easier to let silence and ill feelings prevail rather than to get into a confrontation--or worse--an admission of guilt.

Adopting a wife-led marriage has changed this in how we relate to each other, or rather, it’s helping to change this by making it easier for me to kiss up when I screw up. This has gone a long way toward directing us to a happier place. During the course of Saturday morning I went into the living room, knelt beside Goddess V and kissed her bare feet. I said that I was sorry for the way the night had gone. Then I beat a hasty retreat to the basement to work on a home improvement project. (Okay, so what if I'm afraid of her when she is angry at me.) Eventually she came downstairs twice to speak her mind. The first time she came down to say I should have supported her better despite what I or any of my friends wanted. This of course I already knew full-well.

The second time she came down she informed me that in her opinion, I too often assumed the submissive role in our marriage only when it was completely convenient for me. I knew she was right about this too and had been thinking about this all morning. She also told me that she had wanted to spank me but hadn’t because she was so angry she had been afraid she would have ended up hurting me. Hearing this, I wished she’d brought out the paddle anyway. It would have made it easier to atone for my screw up, and a few minutes of physical pain would have been easier to take than hours of thinking about, knowing and dwelling on how wrong I had been.

We face many moments in our lives when we must make decisions, to take or not to take certain actions. Often our choice seems inconsequential in the scheme of things, but another way of looking at it is to say we face a series of crossroads that collectively define in which direct our life travels. Goddess V and I faced a major crossroad when we decided to adopt an FLR. But with the weekend’s events, I am reminded that was not the only crossroad we will face in this lifestyle. Saying I want to be part of a FemDom marriage, and being submissive most of the time isn’t enough. Not for her. Not for me. I’m thinking that in order for Goddess V to fully embrace and wield her authority over me, she must know that she can absolutely depend on my respect for and submission to her authority—ALL of the time, not just when it’s convenient for me.

I feel bad in that this weekend I not only made Goddess V angry, I also let her down. But I do feel good in that at least I see where I went wrong and will make an effort to better live up to my half of our agreement. I don't wanna veer left or right simply because that direction seems to be more convenient for me. Straight ahead is where my true happiness lies.


Mistress Lola said...

I can understand your remorse here -- I've been in this situation before in my previous FLRs. Just remember that the way you approach your Mistress after conflict is key -- conflict itself is unavoidable, but a boy who knows how to make amends is priceless.

Anonymous said...

It is good that you judged your failure to respect your Wife. It is a shallow affirmation and a profound contradiction to boast about your willingness to wear a CD while you maintain a willingness to side with a male over and against the wishes of your own Wife. In fairness, however, your Wife failed to react with strength. Instead she chose to pout. She should have chained you to a pole in the basement and left you there. Deprivation of comfort, food, drink, and, most of all, her love and attention, would have helped to alter your rebellious self-centeredness.