Our Dance

This is a peculiar lifestyle. And the deeper we delve into FemDom the more enigmatic it becomes. Perhaps that’s a misnomer because the basic premise behind FemDom is easy enough to describe: She dominates all aspects of a relationship while he submits to her authority and control. It’s the actual dynamic of D/s that is difficult to explain without having experienced it. I believe it was Elise Sutton who described it as a dance between the Domme and her sub. It’s surely that, and more.

It seems to me FemDom is like a dance in which both partners not only follow but also lead one another. The well-known Escher art pictured here comes to my mind. Two hands, one left and one right, each opposing halves of one equation, create and define one another. Each gives the other substance and cannot exist without the other. In a similar way, a Domme cannot exist without her submissive, nor he without her. And the more they interact, the better they define one another, the better each in turn is defined.

While I was out of town this week, Goddess V emailed to me a Couple’s Love Horoscope that she enjoys reading. It said: “Some events have changed your value system and how you see the world. This is no laughing matter. You realize that you – and your relationship – have what it takes to go the distance. Good for you!” I replied that had our values not changed, had we not agreed to pursue this lifestyle, it was likely that our relationship would not have what it takes to go the distance. Goddess V then responded that she was sure we would not be together. Today, though our FemDom relationship is still in its infancy, it has already helped shaped us into partners who compliment each other better than we had in our vanilla relationship. We were always best friends, and love was never an issue. Yet now there is a growing bond, a special intimacy between us that our friendship and love alone couldn’t seem to generate.

We attended a luau last weekend. We sat with a group of friends in a large circle of lawn chairs. Part of the time I sat across from Goddess V, watching her, observing her as she chatted with a lady friend. She wore a sarong style flowered dress. Summer humidity had gotten into her blonde hair making it curlier than usual as it fell to her shoulders. A lei of brightly colored flowers encircled her neck. Late afternoon sunlight filtered through high oaks that rustled in a river breeze, causing pools of dappled sunshine to dance about her. I was entirely enraptured and could scarcely take my eyes from her. Ever watch the movie “Somewhere in Time,” where playwrite, Richard Collier, discovers an old portrait of actress, Elise McKenna, in the museum room of the Grand Hotel? He is so enraptured with her beauty, he spends the night alone in the museum with her portrait, unable to bear the pain of leaving her presence. I sometimes feel that way and this was one of those times. I was captivated by the presence of my wife. My mouth chatted up with friends, but my mind was engaged in matters that had nothing to do with party pleasantries and everything to do with the Goddess V.

Then she smiled at me and winked as she often does. Goddess V held out her glass and called, “Oh slave boy, I need more wine.” She spoke in a light-hearted, convivial manner that others in our circle, I am sure, interpreted as nothing more than good natured ribbing between wife and husband. Her message however, as it was later when she instructed rather than asked me to fix her a plate of food, was clear to me. Publicly in front of friends, regardless of the party atmosphere in which we were having fun as any vanilla couple, my wife was reminding me of my submissive role in our relationship by asserting her female authority. I had no problem snapping-to, and we both got what we wanted.

This is part of our D/s dance together. Goddess V initially began dominating me when she understood that it made me feel submissive, which is what I needed. But it became more than simply pleasing me for the sake of it when she saw the effect it had on me, the effect it had on how she felt about herself, and when she experienced what her being in control did for our marriage. And so there became tangible benefits and pleasure in it for her. This causes her to dominate me more. The more she dominates me the more submissive I feel and the more I want (need) to submit to her. In this way, over time, we are defining for ourselves and each other our respective roles in our marriage. I in effect seduce the Domme within her, and she seduces the submissive within me.

We add new steps to the dance as we experience how our particular choreography enriches and improves our relationship. Where will it end and the choreography be complete? When one partner cannot negotiate a new step—for while we each fulfill vastly different roles, we are, first and foremost, partners in our marriage. And so our dance continues.