Spotlight On Kink?

I joined the newly formed Venus On Top Discussion Group on Yahoo. Between my job, a side business that is keeping Goddess V and I hopping, plus trying to maintain this blog, there is precious little time for fun and relaxation let alone active participation in a discussion group. Still, I thought I would join to keep tabs on what’s going on in the VOT movement and participate as time allowed. Goddess Barbara Wright Abernathy and her associate moderators are positioning the group as being “vanilla with a twist,” which is to say they are discouraging, and in fact plan to police member discussions about some of the more, shall we say, colorful practices that FemDom can encompass. The rationale is the same as the Addison’s, who do pretty much the same thing on their Aroundherfinger website: they don’t want to risk alienating women who might be newly considering this lifestyle.

During the past few days, the VOT moderators reiterated their policy by asking that members not get too sidetracked or too graphic about various kinks, fetishes and the like. Fair enough. I agree there is often too much of this, to the point where description of some of these practices takes on an eroticism that makes it an attraction in its own right. But as I said in a post to the VOT group, I think we may worry a little too much about the non-vanilla side of female-led relationships. Perhaps because we are too quick to assume that men attempt to use FemDom as a convenient vehicle to explore their “kinks.” In essence, isn’t this as good as saying only submissive men have kinks and fetishes? Are vanilla men less kinky than submissive men? I for one am prepared to cast my vote that all men are created equal in the kink department. Moreover, what makes us assume that fetishes and kinks are exclusive to the male gender? Granted, women undoubtedly have fewer than men, but surely most must have one or two.

One of the many reasons I believe wife-led marriage is superior to the traditional is that it encourages the submissive male to fess up to his kinks and fetishes, whereas in the vanilla world, men are far more likely to keep them a secret and thus, they go unfulfilled. When secrecy and feelings of unfulfillment exist in a relationship, before you know it, the “you never DID really know or understand me” brand of resentment is born. This can manifest itself in many ways throughout the relationship and can even become a justification for cheating and even divorce.

The dynamics within a female-led relationship actually behoove a dominant female to identify her submissive male’s kinks. Why? So that she may use them as she sees fit to continually reinforce her dominant role. You’ve read here that Goddess V spanks me, yet I didn’t specifically suggest we explore a FemDom marriage in hopes that she would agree to do that. I admit that spanking in general terms had some appeal to me, but in exactly what sense, I wasn’t sure. Turns out I need it. Not that I’m a masochist and want the pain. The sting of her paddle hurts! But everything about being spanked, especially hearing her voice as she reddens my ass… puts me intimately in touch with my submissiveness. I like that feeling. Goddess V sees this effect, and that’s what she says turns her on, not the actual spanking.

But having said this, allowing kinks and fetishes to overshadow other aspects of female-led relationships is a shame. By themselves, they shouldn’t be enough to either drive or destroy ANY loving relationship between a woman and a man, whether it be vanilla or otherwise. As Goddess V often says, “We’re not doing anything other people don’t think about but haven’t the courage to try.” Probably true. So I agree we should be mindful that, for one reason or another, too much emphasis on kinks tends to taint how people may initially see this way of life, even though, as we in this lifestyle already know, there is so much more to Loving Female Authority.