Spotlight On Kink?


I joined the newly formed Venus On Top Discussion Group on Yahoo. Between my job, a side business that is keeping Goddess V and I hopping, plus trying to maintain this blog, there is precious little time for fun and relaxation let alone active participation in a discussion group. Still, I thought I would join to keep tabs on what’s going on in the VOT movement and participate as time allowed. Goddess Barbara Wright Abernathy and her associate moderators are positioning the group as being “vanilla with a twist,” which is to say they are discouraging, and in fact plan to police member discussions about some of the more, shall we say, colorful practices that FemDom can encompass. The rationale is the same as the Addison’s, who do pretty much the same thing on their Aroundherfinger website: they don’t want to risk alienating women who might be newly considering this lifestyle.

During the past few days, the VOT moderators reiterated their policy by asking that members not get too sidetracked or too graphic about various kinks, fetishes and the like. Fair enough. I agree there is often too much of this, to the point where description of some of these practices takes on an eroticism that makes it an attraction in its own right. But as I said in a post to the VOT group, I think we may worry a little too much about the non-vanilla side of female-led relationships. Perhaps because we are too quick to assume that men attempt to use FemDom as a convenient vehicle to explore their “kinks.” In essence, isn’t this as good as saying only submissive men have kinks and fetishes? Are vanilla men less kinky than submissive men? I for one am prepared to cast my vote that all men are created equal in the kink department. Moreover, what makes us assume that fetishes and kinks are exclusive to the male gender? Granted, women undoubtedly have fewer than men, but surely most must have one or two.

One of the many reasons I believe wife-led marriage is superior to the traditional is that it encourages the submissive male to fess up to his kinks and fetishes, whereas in the vanilla world, men are far more likely to keep them a secret and thus, they go unfulfilled. When secrecy and feelings of unfulfillment exist in a relationship, before you know it, the “you never DID really know or understand me” brand of resentment is born. This can manifest itself in many ways throughout the relationship and can even become a justification for cheating and even divorce.

The dynamics within a female-led relationship actually behoove a dominant female to identify her submissive male’s kinks. Why? So that she may use them as she sees fit to continually reinforce her dominant role. You’ve read here that Goddess V spanks me, yet I didn’t specifically suggest we explore a FemDom marriage in hopes that she would agree to do that. I admit that spanking in general terms had some appeal to me, but in exactly what sense, I wasn’t sure. Turns out I need it. Not that I’m a masochist and want the pain. The sting of her paddle hurts! But everything about being spanked, especially hearing her voice as she reddens my ass… puts me intimately in touch with my submissiveness. I like that feeling. Goddess V sees this effect, and that’s what she says turns her on, not the actual spanking.

But having said this, allowing kinks and fetishes to overshadow other aspects of female-led relationships is a shame. By themselves, they shouldn’t be enough to either drive or destroy ANY loving relationship between a woman and a man, whether it be vanilla or otherwise. As Goddess V often says, “We’re not doing anything other people don’t think about but haven’t the courage to try.” Probably true. So I agree we should be mindful that, for one reason or another, too much emphasis on kinks tends to taint how people may initially see this way of life, even though, as we in this lifestyle already know, there is so much more to Loving Female Authority.


Lady Julia said...

Yes, women have kinks, too. Clearly I can't speak for all women (smiles - well I could, but it wouldn't be accurate), but I know that many women do. I remember working in a hospital with a lot of other women and at break time we'd often talk about sex and kink. Now - perhaps our kink isn't as kinky as what male kink is - I'll give you that - but we do have kinky thoughts. Additionally, I've learned as I've explored my kinks that my horizons have broadened and I like things now that at one time I wouldn't even consider.

As for the focus being too much on the kink, again, I agree. The bottom line for me is this: when the kink turns you on more than the woman you're with, that's too much focus on the kink. She needs to be the center and the kink just a tool that she uses to enhance the excitement you both feel.

oldbear said...

Hi VK, another great post from you amigo. I agree ith it all and like it all. the only slight difference is I think women are just as kinky as men.

I think any man or woman in a good loving relationship should be willing to give up their kink to keep their lover: AND no such Lover would ever ask or expect a kinky person to give up their kinks.

I know that in my case I voluntarily gave up my fetish and kink interests, and have never regretted it. But lovey never asked me to do so. Once I found out she was not interested I gladly did not pursue them anymore.

I love your blog and you guys attitude, and respect your Love for each other! please keep it up. OB.

Fred said...

Just read all your blog for the first time. I think you both have the right perspective -- domination and kinks are just a part of a much larger total relationship. After years of a good but long relationship, we were getting indifferent to each other. I started to read more about female authority -- you have the blogs listed -- and I interested my wife in trying it. We slipped into it easily. After a while we tried a CB-3000 and it was one of the best decisions we ever made. It instantly -- and I mean instantly -- changed my attitude and behavior for the better. My masturbation ended. I'm obedient without a second thought. I'm affectionate without being sexually aggressive. I'm helpful without being ordered to be. I give sexual pleasure gladly, knowing that my own release may not come for weeks or months. I accept discipline without complaint. I spontaneously led us to buy new wedding rings. I wrote love poems! My wife thought it was toooo kinky when I first proposed the CB-3000, but when I showed her a couple of websites, she agreed to give it a try. For a man, it's the best and quickest attitude-changer in the whole world. We wouldn't dream of living and loving without it.

saratoga said...

I noted that proviso in the VOT materials, and it struck an unharmonious chord in me.

As I've written on my blog, many of the 'fetishistic' or 'extreme' FemDom practices are precisely the most affecting, bonding, and intimate.

Leaving others to determine this is a censorship I would happily do without. The VOT approach left me feeling it was overly-packaged and marketed, as if to profit from a large segment of women who Wright feels won't ever "really" be dominant. But can be induced to pay to feel like they are. By putting constraints on discussions a priori, how can one thoroughly explore where FemDom can take a loving couple?

As an example, note Candace's rapid progress in only a month, on her blog, Woman Rules Roost. She's already well into 'kink' and 'fetish' behaviors which would likely be censored on VOT, judging by your post.