Choices... But Not Really

If a man is in-touch with his submissive feelings to the point where he identifies his desire to be in a female-led relationship, then one thing is absolutely certain. His desire will not go away. Out of shame, embarrassment and fear of rejection, he may suppress his feelings, but a male’s desire to submit to a dominant woman is such that it will not go away. In fact, it’s quite likely to increase in intensity for two reasons. Firstly, he has overcome society’s patriarch-oriented indoctrination of what his role in a relationship “should be”, allowing to surface a natural instinct that Mother Nature has breed into his gender. How does one deny basic instinct? Secondly, technology allows him access to resources such as this blog and many other websites, and enables him to network with others. He learns that many others not only share his vision of FemDom in an environment of Loving Female Authority, he learns that couples are actually adopting this lifestyle in increasing numbers. He finds strength and support in these growing numbers.

Because our species was given the gift of thought, the submissive male has a choice. He could continue to suppress his submissive instinct. After all, fear is a powerful motivator. If he chooses this route, because his submissive feelings are a result of natural instinct, he will never be completely happy with either himself (for being cowardly) or with his relationship (for not being as rewarding as he thinks it could/should be). It’s also likely that he will turn it around on his wife as being unapproachable, which can only lead to resentment. Happily, the power of thought also gives us the ability to reason, thus the ability to foresee these negative and undesirable outcomes. And this means it’s probable that eventually he will approach his lady about adopting a FemDom lifestyle.

For the submissive male:
Essentially this means you don’t really have a choice. You’re going to have to approach the woman in your life. This regardless of whether you think she MIGHT go for it or you’re positive she’ll NEVER go for it. It’s the only way to achieve what you know you want and need, or at the very least, to maintain a modicum of self-respect.

For the woman in the life of a submissive man:
First and foremost, what you must realize is that, unknown to you, the man you love has been at war within himself. He’s fought battle after battle in his mind until finally realizing that the only way to bring an end to the war is to bare his deepest, darkest secret with you. You have three choices in how you react to this, but in the end, you actually only have one.

In nature, if a living entity is neither growing or evolving, then it is dieing. A relationship between two people is no different. It either grows and evolves over time, or it stagnates and begins to atrophy. Assuming you want your relationship to remain strong and resilient, you will need to somehow deal with your man’s desire for you to dominate him. Frankly, it doesn’t matter if you buy into the argument that his feelings are a result of natural instinct, or whether you think they are so much perverse fantasy. Remember that his desire is quite real and that it will NOT go away.

You could choose to ignore it. I’ve read accounts from men in which they say their wives have done just that. From a male’s perspective, this is the worse of all possible reactions. There is nothing more agonizing than to spend months and quite possibly years working up the courage to take action, anticipating and worrying about a wife’s reaction, only to be confronted with…. nothing. It’s cruel because it sends a message that you don’t care about his inner most feelings. Considering a female’s caring and nurturing instincts, I doubt many women would intentionally send such a message to someone she loves. More likely she may be afraid or unsure of how to act and so does nothing.

So what’s a God-fearing proper lady to do? Well, if you think FemDom is only about leather and kink, or if you think you’ll have to shoulder all the responsibility with your man reduced to being another child, you might say “NO” and shut down the discussion. But remember that his inner need to be dominated isn’t going to magically disappear just because you say no. It’ll continue to burn inside of him and he’s likely to find other outlets to try to satisfy his need. I’ll let you put two and two together to project what that likelihood might entail. I have occasionally complained to my wife about our kids always seeming to congregate with their friends at our house. Why can’t they go somewhere else for a change, I’ve suggested. To that my wife has always said she’d rather have them at home instead of hanging on a street corner somewhere. And as a result of her wisdom she has a strong relationship with the kids and they’ve seldom gotten into trouble. Need I say more?

My favorite words of wisdom are: you don’t know what you don’t know. You didn’t know, for instance, that your man was wrestling with a desire to submit to you. You may have thought your marriage or relationship was okay as it is. You didn’t know that while he may concede it’s “okay,” he thinks it would improve if you take a dominant role. But now you do know. Again, remember that his feelings are not going to disappear. So in the end, if you follow this logic, and assuming you want your relationship to grow, you have little choice but to listen and agree to at least learn more about this lifestyle. If you do, I believe you’ll find you will want to experiment a bit. As you do, you’ll begin to discover what you didn’t know, not only about this lifestyle, but also about yourself as a woman and about the man who loves you.


In NO WAY am I advocating or suggesting a man “threaten” the woman in his life that if she doesn’t humor him he might do this or that. Don’t even think about it. But I AM saying that the submissive male is highly likely to pursue other outlets. In some instances, he might turn to a ProDomme. Let’s face it. There are a lot of them out there and somebody is patronizing them, mostly married men who “ain’t gettin’ at home.” Then there is the proliferation of pornography that in today’s age comes streaming into one’s home with the click of a mouse on a computer. That industry is bigger than ever, and who’s buying it? It certainly isn’t women. There’s self pleasure, lots and lots of self pleasure. Any of these, either alone or in combination drive a wedge between a woman and her man because they become the object on which he focuses his eroticism. When this happens, courtship, romance and passion fly right out the window. So the WOMAN should be the object he focuses on. Make sense? It’s what infuses a relationship with courtship and romance and passion and lust. Yes, lust. A man SHOULD lust after the woman in his life. And when a man loves a woman, that’s really what he wants anyway. So let him do it.


tallchisub said...

Thank you for a very thoughtful post.

I did pause when you mentioned that a man who's submissiveness ispurned or ignored by his partner may be prompted to explore other outlets.

This may be true in a statistical sense. But true or not, if this point is raised with a partner it comes out sounding like a threat--e.g., "meet my needs or I'm going to find a ProDomme."

So, while I don't criticize you for making the point, I would caution submissive men from relying on this argument when they come out to their partners.

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Anonymous said...

All I can say is that I hope, when the time comes, I say it as well. I understand how the "other outlet" comments can come across as a "threat", but I don't think they are; I think they're more of a description of reality.

One of my favorite lines in one of my favorite movies from long long ago was "Don't keep your friends bottled up in side; they'll pour acid on your heart." And that is, I think, what happens when one tries to keep this bottled up inside forever.

I thought your insights on a man's perception of a woman's ignoring this kind of revelation, and what she actually probably intends in the way of nuturing were also spot on.

Great insights. Thanks


VeezKnight said...

The "other outlets" should never be a threat, but they are indeed a reality. Ignoring this is like sticking one's head in the sand. One has only to consider the divorce statistics to see where that leads. Considering how polls reflect that lack of ability to communicate and infidelity together comprise well over 50% of why couples divorce, perhaps we'd be well advised to be more reality-based and communicate more openly with our spouses.