Goddess V Adds a Note

I wanted to add my reaction to what VK already posted:

As my husband said, what were you doing on our site? You obviously have interest in female-led relationships or you wouldn't be here. I think you just don't understand it all and are a little mad that these guys are "REAL MEN" while you are feeling a bit inadequate. Look inside yourself for the answers, they are there. Don't be afraid of them and you'll soon feel less hostile. I'd like to know how long you have been married and how many times. You sound young and that could be the answer in a nutshell. The older a man gets, the more he seems to understand that his true role in a loving relationship is to serve and submit to his wife. I'd suggest you read some books on this issue and then maybe you'll understand a little better. A good spanking might do you a world of good too!

Instead of posting rude and hostile comments on our site, I'd also suggest you talk to your wife about this, that is unless you are afraid she'll think you are a pervert. I can assure you that wanting to worship and submit to the woman you love is anything but perverted. I can also assure you that the time is approaching when most women will not tolerate behavior and attitudes like you seem to have. And remember that closed minds breed hostility, not people.

Goddess V

A Real Man Speaks

An anonymous reader saw fit to post the following comment on our blog. My first reaction was to delete it, but then I thought, NO. Some of you may have already read this, but for those who haven’t, here is the comment in all its eloquence along with my response. In my mind, this guy perfectly exemplifies the kind of man I shudder to think about being.

COMMENT:
Your thougts are full of crap just like you are, that's why you can never be a real man. I'd like to see how the fuck your marriage will work when your wife gets older and looses her "sexy" looks. First of all marriage is much more than just a sex, and second wives need sex just like husbands. So just because you mind is fucked up it deosnt mean that all men are like you. You keep dreaming while I'm getting mine whenever I want, and I please my wife whenever she wants, that's a happy marriage.

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MY RESPONSE:
Thank you so much for your astute observations, but I must ask the obvious. Why are you here of your own free will reading our blog? No one twisted your arm, did they? How did you find our tiny, insignificant outpost on the Internet anyway? Did you Google something like FemDom, or dominant women, or spanking or some such key word(s)? Did you “accidentally” link here from another site, then not only take the time to read it but also to comment? Doubtful.

So why do you suppose you visit these sites, hmmmm? Got an itch that your “happy marriage” hasn’t scratched? Are dommes in leather and stilettos creeping into your fantasies when you masturbate? Oh sucks, I forgot. You probably don’t do that because you “get yours whenever you want.”

Here’s something else to ponder. Do you REALLY please your wife? How do you know? (I’m not talking about pleasing her with your sexual prowess-- undoubtedly you are no less than a stud in that regard.) Does she know and would she be pleased to learn you visit FemDom Internet sites? Do you think she might see this as indication she isn’t really pleasing you as well as she might despite giving you sex whenever you want?

This is just a wild guess, but I’m thinking if you and your wife truly communicated honestly, you might both be in for a surprise. How about if you share your with your wife your Internet travels, and also of course your eloquent commentary, just to see what her thoughts might be? What do you say to that? It should be no big deal for a “real man.” Right?

Oh, and just so you know how some men feel, we will always see our wives as sexy, no matter what age they may be, simply because being sexy in our eyes has little to do with their looks.

The Power

We went to a comedy club this week with a number of other couples to see a comedian, who by the way is very funny. Toward the end of his routine he said something that caused Goddess V to nudge me under the table. He said that women were definitely the dominant creatures on this earth, partially because of what they have between their legs. Women, he said, wake up in the morning and decide they are going to have sex that day. And by the end of the day, sure enough they have it. Men on the other hand wake up and think, maybe today. Then by the end of the day they are thinking, okay, maybe tomorrow.

He looked at the crowd and said, “Oh come on, people, you know it’s true. Women have the power. They have the POWER." The audience laughed. So why did they respond as they did? Had he said something truly shocking and offensive, there surely would not have been so much laughter. Was the notion so outlandish that all the audience could do was to laugh? I don’t think so. I think that nearly every man in that club knew full-well that the women with him has the power.

The question is: How many women know this? Or are willing to admit it? Reduced to it’s purest, FemDom is just a realization of this fact between a woman and a man. It’s a formal acknowledgment of what we know to be true. In my opinion countless marriages and relationships would be so much happier if every woman had a matter-of-fact conversation with her man that went something like this.

“Come here, I want you to see something, but first take off all your clothes. I want you over here, naked and kneeling in front of me.” She should sit down and unabashedly spread her legs wide. No doubt many might feel uncomfortable doing this in the light of day. The first time anyway, considering women have been taught to keep their legs together.

“What do you see between my legs?” He’ll probably fumble around and eventually call it something, maybe a pet name you may have for it. You can bet he won’t use the c-word because he knows that most women absolutely HATE the c-word.

“Take a close look, honey. Do you think it’s obscene looking? Or is it beautiful? I think it’s beautiful considering how it bears children and can give you so much pleasure. It does give you pleasure, doesn’t it? (Have him answer you. Half the power is in the words you get him to say.) “Funny though how it can give me even greater pleasure. I can cum again and again if I want when all you can manage is once and you’re done. Why do you suppose that is? Do you think that makes me sexually superior?”

“Because I am a woman Nature (God if you prefer) put this wonder treasure between my legs. It’s part of what makes me a woman. And because I have it and you don’t, I have control of sex. Because I have control of sex, I have control over you. Somewhere inside you know this to be true, don’t you? (Have him answer). “Yes, I know you do and so do I. Since we both know this, we might as well bring it out into the open and make it work for us.” Reach down and lift up his chin so he looks at you when you ask, “Does this sound reasonable?”

“From now on, this will be the altar at which you worship. Will you worship between my legs? Will you worship me as a woman you love?” (Have him answer you.) “Then there will be no debate who is superior or who is smarter. There will be no power struggles and no arguments about anything in our marriage ever again. I will dominate and lead our marriage. You will submit and obey. Agreed?” (Have him answer).

“Since I have the power, I will decide if, when, where and how we have sex. And I will decide how and when you get to enjoy ‘the good feeling,’ which, by-the-way, won’t be today. Oh, and I know you masturbate behind my back. That will no longer be tolerated because I insist on being the focus of all your sexual energy. But we’ll talk more about those rules later. Right now I want you to get busy down there with your tongue. That’s a good boy. This is the beginning of a new lifestyle that will make us both very happy.”

Reality

FemDom folks are not unlike other folds, which is to say we deal with the same day-to-day realities that vanilla couples do. We may have the noblest of intentions, but the complexities and complications of life often intervene. When I began this blog I had hoped to post two and three times a week. That hasn’t happened. When Goddess V agreed to join me here, she intended to share her views as a dominant woman once a week. That hasn’t happened either.

We both work full time jobs. Mine keeps me away from home two nights each week and her’s currently demands 10-hours days. In addition, Goddess V has started a side business that we work at jointly, but sometimes separately if you know what I mean. It requires more and more of our “spare” time, especially on weekends. Throw in a couple of minor health issues and physical ailments to slow us down, plus grown kids in the home who are better at making a mess than at cleaning up. We also have a circle of wonderful friends with whom we socialize two or three evenings each week.

And of course here on the east coast it is Spring, glorious Spring, which means my Goddess has been planting flowers, and more flowers, and still more flowers. Did you imagine she wears leather and stilettos around the house? Guess again. How about flip-flops, t-shirts and sweat pants that are covered with grass stains and garden soil. Oh, did you imagine that I, her slave, would be doing all the planting for her while she supervises and sips a mint julip? nnnnNo. I’ve been on a job site every Saturday and Sunday with the side business, so apart from edging the garden beds and spreading mulch, my Goddess has been on her own in the garden this year.

This is to say that these days, at the end of the day, at the end of the week, we are exhausted and, as they say, too pooped to pop. Our FemDom agreement still exists, but sadly there has been little time, little privacy and little energy to engage in any of the more physical and deeply satisfying aspects of this our D/s relationship. Are you feeling sorry for us yet? Please don’t. I didn’t post this to solicit sympathy. I did it to illustrate how a FemDom marriage can be just like any other, even when both spouses are committed to the lifestyle. The thing is, whether we are dominant or submissive or vanilla, we are all human--and we do what we can as we can. It doesn’t make it any less frustrating though.

Eating Watermelon

A while ago Goddess V and I were out with several other couples. During the evening one of the husbands told the story of a guy he worked with who had recently married. Come to find out, the guy had never gone down on his bride. So my friend took it upon himself to explain to his coworker that he really did need to start doing it. When the young guy admitted he had no idea what to do, my friend said, “It’s easy. You make like you’re hold a big piece of watermelon in both hands, then you stick your face into the juicy middle, shake your head back and forth and go ‘buh-dah-dah-dah-dah.” (I can’t do the sound he made justice with the written word). I laughed so hard my stomach ached, especially when my friend added, “Then if you get a hair in your mouth, you just spit it out like watermelon seeds.” He leaned over and made like he was spitting out seeds. Oh my God, just thinking about that night I’m starting to chuckle to myself.

Flash back to a few years ago. Again we were out with friends (we have a terrific social life). There happened to be a single guy with us, I’ll call him Ed, who had dated a woman who was also with us that night. They were not together however. Anyway, after sitting with us a while, Ed caroused here and there during the evening looking to pick up a good looking single woman. He eventually zeroed in on one and it looked as it he was making some progress. Seeing this, the woman with us who had once dated him said, “Good luck to her. Ed can’t eat pussy worth a damn.” I wondered at that comment: sour grapes maybe?

A little while later, Goddess V went to the ladies room and was gone for considerably longer than usual. When she returned, she had a big smile on her face. “You aren’t going to believe what happened in the ladies room.” Turns out the woman Ed was putting the moves on was also in the ladies room. Goddess V said hello. The woman, having seen Ed sitting with us earlier, then proceeded to ask my wife how well she knew Ed, was he a nice guy, etc… Just then another woman came out of one of the toilet stalls and chimed in, “Oh, Ed? I dated him a few years ago. Too big an ego, plus he’s lousy at eating pussy. He thinks all he has to do is poke around down there with his tongue.” The conversation went on from there.

It’s amazing the things women talk about in the ladies room! I was shocked by the gravity of this. I couldn’t get over that our friend, who by the way has never been married and fancies himself as quite the ladies man, has women around town sharing stories about his apparent inability to properly give oral sex to a woman. I felt badly for the dude because apparently none of the women were willing to give the guy a lesson. Geez. It got me to wondering. I mean, I knew I was doing more than just poking around with my tongue. But it hadn’t occurred to me that I still might be doing it wrong. I hadn’t heard any complaints, but neither had Ed. Apparently not to his face anyway. Is there one standard fool-proof way to do it or do different women like different, well, techniques? So was I doing it right? You may laugh at this, but during the drive home that night I asked my wife just this. She looked at me and said, “Honey, if you weren’t, you’d have been history long ago.”

This happened before we adopted this lifestyle. Since then, even though I had been doing an acceptable job at eating watermelon, Goddess V is considerably more vocal about how she wants me to eat it. And it's not always the same way. The good news for the dominant woman is that if her man doesn't get his face into the watermelon as often as she'd like, or in a manner that really catapults her over the edge, she has clear license to give him specific direction. Personally, I like this. Goddess V's voice speaks directly to my submissive nature, plus I know I am pleasing her in exactly the way she likes it—which gives me immense pleasure. It’s another FemDom win/win.

Choices... But Not Really

If a man is in-touch with his submissive feelings to the point where he identifies his desire to be in a female-led relationship, then one thing is absolutely certain. His desire will not go away. Out of shame, embarrassment and fear of rejection, he may suppress his feelings, but a male’s desire to submit to a dominant woman is such that it will not go away. In fact, it’s quite likely to increase in intensity for two reasons. Firstly, he has overcome society’s patriarch-oriented indoctrination of what his role in a relationship “should be”, allowing to surface a natural instinct that Mother Nature has breed into his gender. How does one deny basic instinct? Secondly, technology allows him access to resources such as this blog and many other websites, and enables him to network with others. He learns that many others not only share his vision of FemDom in an environment of Loving Female Authority, he learns that couples are actually adopting this lifestyle in increasing numbers. He finds strength and support in these growing numbers.

Because our species was given the gift of thought, the submissive male has a choice. He could continue to suppress his submissive instinct. After all, fear is a powerful motivator. If he chooses this route, because his submissive feelings are a result of natural instinct, he will never be completely happy with either himself (for being cowardly) or with his relationship (for not being as rewarding as he thinks it could/should be). It’s also likely that he will turn it around on his wife as being unapproachable, which can only lead to resentment. Happily, the power of thought also gives us the ability to reason, thus the ability to foresee these negative and undesirable outcomes. And this means it’s probable that eventually he will approach his lady about adopting a FemDom lifestyle.

For the submissive male:
Essentially this means you don’t really have a choice. You’re going to have to approach the woman in your life. This regardless of whether you think she MIGHT go for it or you’re positive she’ll NEVER go for it. It’s the only way to achieve what you know you want and need, or at the very least, to maintain a modicum of self-respect.

For the woman in the life of a submissive man:
First and foremost, what you must realize is that, unknown to you, the man you love has been at war within himself. He’s fought battle after battle in his mind until finally realizing that the only way to bring an end to the war is to bare his deepest, darkest secret with you. You have three choices in how you react to this, but in the end, you actually only have one.

In nature, if a living entity is neither growing or evolving, then it is dieing. A relationship between two people is no different. It either grows and evolves over time, or it stagnates and begins to atrophy. Assuming you want your relationship to remain strong and resilient, you will need to somehow deal with your man’s desire for you to dominate him. Frankly, it doesn’t matter if you buy into the argument that his feelings are a result of natural instinct, or whether you think they are so much perverse fantasy. Remember that his desire is quite real and that it will NOT go away.

You could choose to ignore it. I’ve read accounts from men in which they say their wives have done just that. From a male’s perspective, this is the worse of all possible reactions. There is nothing more agonizing than to spend months and quite possibly years working up the courage to take action, anticipating and worrying about a wife’s reaction, only to be confronted with…. nothing. It’s cruel because it sends a message that you don’t care about his inner most feelings. Considering a female’s caring and nurturing instincts, I doubt many women would intentionally send such a message to someone she loves. More likely she may be afraid or unsure of how to act and so does nothing.

So what’s a God-fearing proper lady to do? Well, if you think FemDom is only about leather and kink, or if you think you’ll have to shoulder all the responsibility with your man reduced to being another child, you might say “NO” and shut down the discussion. But remember that his inner need to be dominated isn’t going to magically disappear just because you say no. It’ll continue to burn inside of him and he’s likely to find other outlets to try to satisfy his need. I’ll let you put two and two together to project what that likelihood might entail. I have occasionally complained to my wife about our kids always seeming to congregate with their friends at our house. Why can’t they go somewhere else for a change, I’ve suggested. To that my wife has always said she’d rather have them at home instead of hanging on a street corner somewhere. And as a result of her wisdom she has a strong relationship with the kids and they’ve seldom gotten into trouble. Need I say more?

My favorite words of wisdom are: you don’t know what you don’t know. You didn’t know, for instance, that your man was wrestling with a desire to submit to you. You may have thought your marriage or relationship was okay as it is. You didn’t know that while he may concede it’s “okay,” he thinks it would improve if you take a dominant role. But now you do know. Again, remember that his feelings are not going to disappear. So in the end, if you follow this logic, and assuming you want your relationship to grow, you have little choice but to listen and agree to at least learn more about this lifestyle. If you do, I believe you’ll find you will want to experiment a bit. As you do, you’ll begin to discover what you didn’t know, not only about this lifestyle, but also about yourself as a woman and about the man who loves you.

CLARIFICATION

In NO WAY am I advocating or suggesting a man “threaten” the woman in his life that if she doesn’t humor him he might do this or that. Don’t even think about it. But I AM saying that the submissive male is highly likely to pursue other outlets. In some instances, he might turn to a ProDomme. Let’s face it. There are a lot of them out there and somebody is patronizing them, mostly married men who “ain’t gettin’ at home.” Then there is the proliferation of pornography that in today’s age comes streaming into one’s home with the click of a mouse on a computer. That industry is bigger than ever, and who’s buying it? It certainly isn’t women. There’s self pleasure, lots and lots of self pleasure. Any of these, either alone or in combination drive a wedge between a woman and her man because they become the object on which he focuses his eroticism. When this happens, courtship, romance and passion fly right out the window. So the WOMAN should be the object he focuses on. Make sense? It’s what infuses a relationship with courtship and romance and passion and lust. Yes, lust. A man SHOULD lust after the woman in his life. And when a man loves a woman, that’s really what he wants anyway. So let him do it.

Spotlight On Kink?

I joined the newly formed Venus On Top Discussion Group on Yahoo. Between my job, a side business that is keeping Goddess V and I hopping, plus trying to maintain this blog, there is precious little time for fun and relaxation let alone active participation in a discussion group. Still, I thought I would join to keep tabs on what’s going on in the VOT movement and participate as time allowed. Goddess Barbara Wright Abernathy and her associate moderators are positioning the group as being “vanilla with a twist,” which is to say they are discouraging, and in fact plan to police member discussions about some of the more, shall we say, colorful practices that FemDom can encompass. The rationale is the same as the Addison’s, who do pretty much the same thing on their Aroundherfinger website: they don’t want to risk alienating women who might be newly considering this lifestyle.

During the past few days, the VOT moderators reiterated their policy by asking that members not get too sidetracked or too graphic about various kinks, fetishes and the like. Fair enough. I agree there is often too much of this, to the point where description of some of these practices takes on an eroticism that makes it an attraction in its own right. But as I said in a post to the VOT group, I think we may worry a little too much about the non-vanilla side of female-led relationships. Perhaps because we are too quick to assume that men attempt to use FemDom as a convenient vehicle to explore their “kinks.” In essence, isn’t this as good as saying only submissive men have kinks and fetishes? Are vanilla men less kinky than submissive men? I for one am prepared to cast my vote that all men are created equal in the kink department. Moreover, what makes us assume that fetishes and kinks are exclusive to the male gender? Granted, women undoubtedly have fewer than men, but surely most must have one or two.

One of the many reasons I believe wife-led marriage is superior to the traditional is that it encourages the submissive male to fess up to his kinks and fetishes, whereas in the vanilla world, men are far more likely to keep them a secret and thus, they go unfulfilled. When secrecy and feelings of unfulfillment exist in a relationship, before you know it, the “you never DID really know or understand me” brand of resentment is born. This can manifest itself in many ways throughout the relationship and can even become a justification for cheating and even divorce.

The dynamics within a female-led relationship actually behoove a dominant female to identify her submissive male’s kinks. Why? So that she may use them as she sees fit to continually reinforce her dominant role. You’ve read here that Goddess V spanks me, yet I didn’t specifically suggest we explore a FemDom marriage in hopes that she would agree to do that. I admit that spanking in general terms had some appeal to me, but in exactly what sense, I wasn’t sure. Turns out I need it. Not that I’m a masochist and want the pain. The sting of her paddle hurts! But everything about being spanked, especially hearing her voice as she reddens my ass… puts me intimately in touch with my submissiveness. I like that feeling. Goddess V sees this effect, and that’s what she says turns her on, not the actual spanking.

But having said this, allowing kinks and fetishes to overshadow other aspects of female-led relationships is a shame. By themselves, they shouldn’t be enough to either drive or destroy ANY loving relationship between a woman and a man, whether it be vanilla or otherwise. As Goddess V often says, “We’re not doing anything other people don’t think about but haven’t the courage to try.” Probably true. So I agree we should be mindful that, for one reason or another, too much emphasis on kinks tends to taint how people may initially see this way of life, even though, as we in this lifestyle already know, there is so much more to Loving Female Authority.