Discipline

I think discipline is a necessary part of Loving Female Authority. It’s a perfect way to continually reinforce a dominant woman’s authority over her submissive male. A submissive man needs this in order to validate his identity as a submissive. And I think that because he understands this about himself, a submissive man likes (maybe ‘craves’ is a better word) discipline---and wants it regularly.

I start with his collar. One of my favorite pleasures is when I have my husband strip naked and put his collar on. I attach a chain leash to the ring on his collar. [grin] It gives a new meaning to keeping your man on a short leash—about 4 feet! This is when my knight becomes my slave and he will do whatever is asked of him. In the beginning when we started our FemDom relationship I said that I wasn’t too interested in having a “slave”. I guess because I was thinking of someone who is forced to serve against their will. Now I realize it’s not like that. Dominating a man in a female-led D/s relationship isn’t the same. Because the male wants to submit. My husband wants me to put his collar on him and he likes it when I treat him like a slave. I do like thinking of him as my knight in shining armor, but I gotta say that I may like thinking of him as my slave even more. If we didn’t have teenagers still at home, VeezKnight would be VeezSlave a lot more. Maybe wearing his slave collar all the time---around the house anyway [grin]! When the collar goes on I can actually see a look of total submission come over his face and there isn’t anything he wouldn’t do for me. This is where trust and love come in. Lets face it, if you don’t trust the person you are with this could be a very scary scenario. This is what I am really trying to do here. Make people more aware of the care and love it takes to have this kind of relationship.

With all of the good stuff he writes here, don’t be fooled into thinking that VK is the perfect husband. He’s good and I love’um to death, but he’s a man, got it? He still screws up sometimes and he’s a little less attentive than he should be too. So once his collar is on, I spank him. I do it more to keep him on the straight and narrow, to be sure he tows the line more than as punishment. If I could I’d have him over my knee once a week, but like I said we still have kids at home. So spankings for now are about three or four weeks apart. I use a leather paddle so as not to hurt my hand and we have a safe word, but he has yet to use it. As I spank him I am very verbal as to why he is getting his spanking. I remind him that I am The Goddess and he is my submissive. I remind him that I expect him to worship and obey me. I count down whatever he’s done since his last spanking that didn’t please me—sometimes there isn’t much. I also point out things he’s done that did especially please me. His ass cheeks get a nice crimson glow and the more times my paddle slaps his bare ass the more excited I get. I am a very free spirited, non-judgemental and adventurous person, but even I didn’t expect the way this would be such a total turn on. What a happy surprise.

Does this make me sadistic? Nah. At first I had a hard time dealing good whacks with my paddle cause I’m not a person who likes to hurt anyone. Especially someone I love. So it’s not inflicting pain that turns me on so much as it’s how my husband submits to it under my authority. It’s the reaction that it draws out of him that turns the spanking from what some people would call an act of meanness into one of love. This is why I don’t advocate spanking or whipping a man in the heat of anger---like if he does something that really pisses you off and you want to strangle him. Every wife knows that feeling! Better to first let emotions subside. Wait until a time when you can concentrate on the discipline. How your actions affect your sub and how his reactions make you feel as a dominant female---instead of on transgressions he committed. It’s hard for me to get this idea across, but when there is genuine love and caring in a FemDom relationship, acts of discipline like spanking increase feelings of intimacy. They’re part of what create a deep, emotional bond between the Domme wife and her sub husband that is unlike anything else. It’s almost the sort of thing you have to experience to be able to understand. And I think just about everyone who has seriously tried LFA will agree.

Male Orgasm Control

In general, a man thinks with his penis. We all recognize this, but when you think about it, there’s no need for apology. He’s wired that way by Mother Nature for a reason: to ensure procreation of the species. He’s wired to be attracted and aroused by everything about the female, driving him to achieve what a friend of mine refers to as “the good feeling.” As a man, I’ll never understand exactly HOW a woman thinks, but I do know that as a rule, she does NOT think with her genitals. You’ll rarely see a woman slide her hand into her crotch just to say hello to what’s between her legs. She is not hard-wired to be in relentless pursuit of the good feeling. This then, is a massively powerful tool that Nature gave her to control the male. Men know this to be true, that his sexuality is, in fact, his Achilles Heel. I believe women know this as well. But I suspect women don’t understand that in addition to giving them control, it is also a surefire way to supercharge a marriage that will be more satisfying to both spouses.

I’m not sure if the submissive side of a male dictates that he actually wants to be controlled this way. Probably some men do and some don’t. It makes no difference, because regardless of how he feels about it, a woman CAN control him by taking charge of his penis and thus taking charge of sex. This is vastly different than a woman using sex “as a weapon”, which breeds malice and seriously undermines a mutually satisfying physical relationship between spouses. Male orgasm control, if done within a regiment of teasing and denial where the female controls sex, will not only control a male in a positive and constructive way, it will also change how he views sex.

A man typically sees sex within marriage as his husbandly, if not manly right. When he doesn’t get it as often as he thinks he should (frequency varies between individuals) he feels cheated. Also he is likely to feel perplexed and frustrated that sex apparently is not important to his wife. This makes him feel trapped and can easily lead to feelings of resentment. Some men just go out and golf a lot more. Some turn to frequent masturbation and surfing porn on the Internet. Some end up cheating on their wives. Oddly enough, teasing and denial has the opposite effect, I guess because it brings a man’s hard-wired desire for the good feeling right out onto center stage. Through the woman’s intentional teasing and denial, she proves to him that she is indeed aware of his manly needs, but is simply turning the tables to suit her feminine needs. Instead of the male feeling cheated, he feels aroused. When he is aroused, he is putty in her hands. I believe women are well aware of this, but for some reason pretend they aren't. In a wife-led marriage there is no such pretense. The dominant wife is openly free to rechannel her husband's arousal and sexual energy into areas such as pleasing her sexually, romancing and courting her as he did when they first met, being more attentive, opening doors for her, being more helpful around the house, paying her compliments, pleasing her any way he can, etc…

The art shown here is called The Birth of Aphrodite from the Sea and is part of the front panel of the Ludovisi Throne (actually an altar), c. 460 BC. It depicts newly born Aphrodite, rising from the waves and foam of the sea, joyously greeted by the Hours (Horae). Aphrodite of course is the Greek Goddess of sex and is sometimes referred to as the Goddess of Orgasm. I wonder if Aphrodite would agree with FemDom guidelines for the controlling the orgasms of her submissive male:

ONE: Having a penis is like having a built-in toy. And the more a man plays with it the better it feels until… oops, ahhhh, time to take a nap, wake up and start again. This may be a bit of an exaggeration, but nonetheless, a man touches, fondles and is generally friendlier with his sex organ than necessary. As a dominant woman, make it clear that you are taking ownership of his genitals. They may be attached to his body, but they now belong to you. His penis is no longer his toy, it’s yours. As such, YOU will determine playtime. Some dominant women go so far as to employ the use of a chastity device to prevent a submissive man from playing with his toy when she is not around. I recently corresponded with the manufacturers of the CB3000 and while they would not divulge sales figures, they did tell me that sales of their chastity devices have been steadily increasing worldwide over the past five years, with the CB3000 now holding 74% of the market. This info certainly isn’t definitive, but it does give some indication that an increasing number of women are taking male chastity very seriously. But this is a discussion for another day.

TWO: Sex is for the woman’s pleasure. Her pleasure is primary while his is secondary. In fact, his sexual release is entirely at her discretion. You can certainly still have intercourse, but the Cardinal Rule is: NEVER does he reach orgasm unless you’ve first had yours (or as many as you wish). Opinion among women seems to be that when it comes to the female orgasm, the tongue is mightier than the penis. So enjoy and make your vagina the altar at which he worships. And don’t feel as if because he has brought you to a shattering orgasm that you need to allow him the same. Not so. You’ll find that if you deny him, he’ll be even more eager to please you, not only the next time his mouth is between your legs, but also in other nonsexual ways.

THREE: Men masturbate. A lot. And any man who says he doesn’t is not being honest. Certainly there’s nothing wrong with masturbation, if you’re single. But in a marriage, if the husband masturbates, it will take the edge off of sexual tension, and that doesn’t bode well for the relationship. The more sexual tension between the male and female, the better. So masturbation must cease. Hubby must be forbidden to masturbate without his wife’s permission and supervision. She might take matters into her own hands and do it for him if she feels like it, or she can have him take care of himself while she watches. I’d hazard a guess that many wives have never seen their husbands masturbate unless they’ve accidentally walked in on him. So this may feel a little awkward at first. I know in my case I initially felt embarrassment because this had always been something I had done in private and on the sly. Turns out it can be quite erotic, and Goddess V enjoys seeing me do it.

Aside from what I’ve said above, it’s often pointed out that men become lazy after they climax. It’s purely physiological and is a result of a chemical change in our brains that takes place immediately after ejaculation. So in the FemDom world, this is a major argument for limiting a male’s orgasms: too many and he become a lazy lump less likely to please his lady on all fronts. On the flip-side of the coin, a dominant woman can’t simply keep her submissive male in a perpetual state of denial as eventually he becomes grumpy and argumentative. I’m not so sure I agree with this completely, but that’s just my opinion. It may be true in general terms, but I think this varies greatly from individual to individual. There are no absolutes, no exact formula for orgasm control, or any other aspect of Loving Female Authority. It’s whatever works best for the Domme and her sub.

Agreement of Power

Someone must be in charge. That’s the way it is. The notion of a 50/50 relationship is just that, a notion. Since no two people are identical, no two people think alike, especially when you consider how females and males use different thought processes. Literally, our brains work differently. In order for there to be harmony and coehesive existence in any group of people, someone must be in charge. This is why we appoint Presidents, Generals, Chairpersons, Captains and Heads of Households. And generally that leader must be recognized, revered and respected. If not, there is strife, turmoil and unrest.

Goddess V and I had power struggles. I didn’t see them as such, but she surely did. I saw it more as my opinion versus her’s, my way versus her’s. For instance, I’m sort of a neatnick while she is a bit of a slob (no worries, she’ll be the first one to admit that, so I won’t get my ass whipped for saying so). She’s an optimist while I’m more pessimistic. Since we originally saw ourselves as having a 50/50 partnership (at least I did), our power struggles inevitably ended with one of us “giving in” to the other. Sooner or later, that tends to breed resentment and animosity. It upsets the sense of balance in a relationship. It chips away at harmony and obscures clear vision of the direction in which two people in a relationship are headed. (I believe vision is critical, that you must “see” what you want before you can attain it.) A formal agreement of power, or leadership, prevents these problems from occurring because it eliminates the opportunity for power struggles in the first place. Simple logic, eh?

I won’t debate here all the ‘whys’ that support female leadership in a marriage. If nothing else, one has only to consider the divorce rate to see that traditional male leadership and power-struggle-prone 50/50 relationships, are not working. 50% failure rate is abysmal in any statisticians book. Then add in all the dreary marriages in which spouses, for one reason or another, decide to just stick it out. I’d hazard a guess that less than 20% (maybe even 10%) of marriages are truly happy, passionate and personally fulfilling for both spouses. The need for change is apparent: why keep doing the same thing over and over and expect a different outcome? Why not turn over leadership to the women?

Everything in nature happens for a reason. Whether or not a woman feels as if she is superior to the man. it makes no difference. She has only to realize and embrace the fact that Mother Nature gave woman power over man for a reason: to control him. In talking with and observing many men, I am convinced that the vast majority recognize this on some level of their consciousness and in fact want it. We may be physically rougher and stronger than women, we may be warriors and more barbarian, but at least in the presence of the right woman, most men will roll over every time. It only falls to the woman to ask--or make--him do so.

An agreement of power is the foundation of a wife-led marriage. It must be a formal discourse in which the wife asserts that she will assume control of the relationship. It must also be definitive, without vague statements such as, “I’ll pretty much make the decisions.” There is much power in a woman’s words. There is also much power in the words she elicits from a submissive man. As an example, the wife might say:

“As the female I am better equipped to control our marriage, do you agree? (have him answer you). So I will assume the dominant role in our marriage. Your role will be to submit to my authority. That's what you truly want deep down inside, isn't it? Then get on your knees before me. From now on you will worship me as your [Goddess/Queen] in any way I say? Understood? (have him say, ‘Yes, my Goddess/Queen’...reach down an take his face in your hands so that he is looking up at you). And you WILL obey me. You know I love you, don’t you? Do you understand that I will never do anything that I don’t feel is good for you, or me or for our marriage? Okay then. I may consider your opinions on certain things and you may disagree with me, but in the end, my word will be final. Understood? Very well, now let’s talk about some specifics…”

From the submissive point of view, this agreement can be general at the start, but ultimately I think it must cover all aspects of the marriage such as the woman’s control of sex, discipline, household chores, children and finances. I also think it must be continually reinforced. Goddess V controls most areas of our marriage. I know she values my opinions and I feel at liberty to offer them. I don’t have to wait to be asked and we sometimes disagree. Ultimately, we go with what she decides. This isn’t to say she is always right or that she never makes mistakes. After all, she is human, and were I the one making all the decisions, I would make mistakes too. Since our agreement on her authority, I no longer feel as if I am “giving in to satisfy her even though I know better.” Truth is, I’ve come to trust her ability to lead and safeguard our marriage more than I trust my own. My concern has been that Goddess V might feel over-burden while I live happily in sub space with no responsibility for making major decisions in life. So in that regard, I am always interested and ready to take part in the decision-making process if and when she wants me to.

The Three Graces

If you’ve been reading this blog and haven’t yet figured it out, or if you are a new reader, this blog is not about how to coerce your spouse into a FemDom marriage. It’s not even about how to have a FemDom marriage, per se. It’s about how to have a happy marriage in which romance and passion and sex are integral parts of every day life, not distant memories of how things used to be between the two of you. It’s about having a spouse who is also your best friend, a best friend with whom you can talk about and share anything. And I do mean anything. It’s about husbands who think of and worship their wives as though they are Queens, and about wives who trust their husbands as loyal protectors who would do anything for them.

Put in other terms, this blog is about having a marriage in which neither spouse cheats on the other. Or is tempted to cheat. It’s about NOT ending up in a loveless marriage of convenience and about NOT ending up in divorce court as half of us do, squabbling over who gets custody of the designer toaster.

Assuming you genuinely love each other and want such a marriage, this blog is about the pathway that will get you to a marriage that will make you the envy of nearly everyone who knows you. It’s very nearly guaranteed. Really. Call it Loving Female Authority. Call it FemDom. Call it whatever you please. It involves one very simple dynamic: the female must play the dominant role and be in control. And within that dynamic, there are three basic principles that are essential to making a wife-led marriage work on all fronts. In this respect, they are also the Three Graces of a happy and passionate marriage. I’ll address each of these in greater detail in future posts.

FORMAL AGREEMENT OF POWER: The wife takes control of all (or as many as she desires) aspects of the relationship. She may entertain the husband’s input, but in the end, her word is final. He agrees to obey her authority.

ORGASM CONTROL: The husband has no sexual release without the wife’s knowledge and consent. This not only means she controls when, where and how they will have sex, it also means he does not masturbate privately.

DISCIPLINE: A policy or set of rules established by the wife to control both the relationship and her husband’s actions. This includes regular reinforcement of the wife’s authority and rules, and may also include punishment for disobedience.

Opening My Eyes

When I met Goddess V (though I didn’t think of her as my Goddess at the time), I believe we wanted the same things in a relationship. I wasn’t looking to submit to female authority so to speak, nor, despite her somewhat “bossy” personality, do I think she wanted to be thought of as a Domme. Truth be told, I don’t know that I was even in the market for a relationship. As for Goddess V, I think she was just longing for an opportunity to come into her own after many selfless years of being a perfect mother and after too many years of mercy fucks as an attentive wife. She was hungry for conversation, hours and hours and hours of conversation with someone who actually heard what she had to say. I knew early on that I wanted to share life with her, but there were times when I doubted that I was the right person to do so. I understood what she wanted, but somehow I just couldn’t get there all the way. Every time I’d take a few steps forward, we’d get into what essentially amounted to a power struggle over who was right and who was wrong. I’d end up falling a step backward and then think to myself, “You stupid ass (meaning me), why didn’t you just keep your mouth shut and do what you knew would make her happy!”

I believe that people can change if they want to. I wanted to change because I knew if I didn’t, there was a good chance I would lose this amazing woman in my life. I also knew in my heart that by doing so I would be a better man for living up to her standards. Loving Female Authority has provided the avenue for that change. And the surprising part of it is that I didn’t need to change all that much after all. All I needed to do was to finally open my eyes and recognize the authority that rightfully belongs to the woman I love. The pieces began to fall into place after that. I didn’t have to relinquish any part of who I am as a person, as a husband and as a man. I am still every bit who I have always been, except that I’ve added to the definition. I’m submissive. More than that, I like how it makes me feel to be dominated by the woman I love. I like seeing how my submission to her female authority encourages her to embrace her authority even more, and grow as a powerful woman. I want us to grow in our D/s roles because most of all, I love how LFA adds an entirely new dimension for expressing the love we share for one another. And the spiritual connection between us grows ever deeper.

LFA Opens Doors in Marriage

I hope to be a role model for women here. At least to help them understand what a female-led relationship can mean for them. Especially wives who have been approached by their husbands about it. Okay so maybe there’s a certain amount of kink involved. Course that depends on your idea of what’s kinky and maybe you’ll need to change your views a little when it comes to that. But don’t worry about that for now. We’ll talk about that later and trust me, it’s no big deal compared to what LFA will do for your marriage. I’ll give you a small example. As I was writing this VK was in another room working on a home improvement project. When he poked his head in the room I told him my feet were freezing. I asked him to get me some socks and put them on me. Did he balk? NO---he just did it. Without the rolled eyeball look he would have given me a few years ago. I didn’t “command” him or threaten him with a whip I just said my feet were cold and he took care of it. Sounds like a little thing, I know, but add up a bunch of little things and it becomes HUGH!

I’m thinking maybe I need to back up some. I was married before for 20 some years. I mostly stayed at home raising kids while my first husband worked---a lot. He was never home. He brought home the money to support the household. That’s important I know. But later when the kids were mostly grown I remember standing in my kitchen one afternoon and sinking to the floor crying, saying to myself “I can’t live like this.” I wanted more and I don’t mean a big house, flashy cars, expensive clothes and jewelry. I never cared about all that crap. That’s not what makes me happy. Anyway, my marriage ended because I guess it’s true that sometimes people grow together and sometimes they grow apart. There were a couple of miserable years there that weren’t good. Mostly because I carried a lot of guilt. Which was my own fault. For what? For wanting something more in life? For wanting what I felt in my heart was right?

GODDESS V TIP:
A woman should never, never allow anyone, especially a man, make her feel guilty about being true to herself.

I promised myself that in my next relationship---if there was to be one---I would have what was most important to me. I’m a romantic at heart so I wanted romance. I’m passionate so I wanted passion. I’m an honest and open person so I wanted a best friend that I can talk to about anything and who will talk to me about anything. I want someone who will share life through all it’s ups and downs and let me be ME. Not just in the early courtship stages. I think this should and CAN continue in a relationship between two people who love each other, not dwindle and stagnate over time. And if I’m gonna be in love, I wanna be held up there on a pedestal by the man I love---not because I think I’m any more special than any other woman on this earth, but because I am the woman he loves. That’s what I mean when I say Worship Me As the Goddess I Am. Loving Female Authority makes all this possible---and more. It’s opened doors to closeness and caring that I never had before. To continue.

Goddess V Joins Us

Where to begin. I would have to go back a few years to have this all make sense.

My husband and I had an awful fight. One that left me feeling like I had to end the relationship, (at the time we weren't married). I asked him to leave for a few days and he did. I had been telling him for months that he needed to be more attentive to me. How do you explain that to a reasonably intelligent man? When he returned, we went away for a few days and talked, or I should say, I talked---the entire time. When we got back things were at a point where he said he understood what I wanted. But I wondered if he could/would live up to the standards I needed in order to have this relationship work.

He did that and more. I noticed a change in his behavior a few months after we returned from our weekend trip. He was being more attentive, so much so that I was wondering how he learned this on his own. Well, I was about to find out just how he knew. He emailed me one day and asked me this question: "Do you think women are superior to men?" I of course didn't hesitate on that and said, "YES". A few days later he handed me a book… Elise Sutton. I didn't read this right away. I did skim through some and I told him that I already think that way, so why give me the book? He really didn't say much. He didn't want to push me into anything. So he just let it go while I started thinking about how much he had changed.

As time went on he would print out questions and answers from Elise Sutton's web site. I would read them and think---this woman knows what she is talking about. I then picked up her book and read most of it. Some of it I already knew in my heart (it's the Goddess in me). So this allowed more opportunity for us to talk very openly about the FemDom lifestyle. I knew FemDom would work for us. But I also began to realize that I needed to change my thinking a little.

GODDESS V TIP:
Boys, don’t push too hard. In the beginning it’s probably your agenda and not her’s. Don’t whine don’t beg don’t badger. Let her digest the information and give her time to think things over.

At first when a woman and her man consider a FemDom relationship the spotlight might be too much on things like spankings, whips and heels (I wear high heels all the time anyway). Many people may have an image of me in leather with 5-inch stiletto heels and a whip with wall brackets for his collar and cuffs, right? Well, some of this is true [grin], but this lifestyle really isn't all about that. It is more about embracing your female authority and asserting your femininity to turn your marriage into a more loving relationship where he will do anything you want. To make it whatever you want it to be. Think about that, ladies… sound too good to be true? It isn’t.

Women need to finally figure out what it is all about. Women can and should have control. All it takes to assert yourself is to realize we hold the "cookie". VK talked about this earlier. Of course it centers around what we women have between our legs but it’s also about our female sexuality in general. It is true men get lazy after a night of passion. A few quick squirts and they no longer are listening to you! So hold back. Taunt him with a look here and there and a touch or a peek from time to time. Get his motor revved and give him NOTHING! I am not saying you NEVER give him your cookie, not at all. I don’t believe in total denial. Besides, I like sex. I’m saying don’t be bashful about using a tool that nature gave you to control a man. Be brazen. You’ll soon find your man is more loving and attentive than ever. And if he still doesn’t tow the line the way you’d like, take his pants down and spank his ass—it’s a great way to teach him that he needs to obey the rules or he pays the price.

We’ll talk more about all this and much more. This was just to let you see a little of "Goddess V."