Embracing change


Many of us aren't especially enamored with change. It pushes us out of our comfort zones: the familiar and predictable, the tried and true, that which is easier to deal with, because we have history there and know what to expect. Some would say that we fear change, but I think it's not so much change itself that we fear. It's the uncertainty of what change may or may not bring into our lives. That amounts to fear of the unknown.

When change is subtle or slow to take effect it seems to cause much less stress on our nervous systems. You squint more and more to read the type on your computer screen until one day, holy crap, you realize you need reading glasses! Well, you kinda knew that was coming, it just took you a while to admit it. So you pick up a pair of readers at the pharmacy and life goes on (with you seeing a lot more clearly). But when change is drastic or abrupt--you wake up one morning and suddenly can't see worth a damn--well that's a horse of a different color. You'd be more likely to try to fix what you perceive to be "a problem", or ignore it in hopes it will clear itself up in time.

When I was in my mid 40s it was a particularly tumultuous time for me. Things were changing in my life that made me feel sad, scared, yet hopeful--all at the same time!
That's when a wise man, a sort of life coach/self-help guru spoke to me. He said the thing about change is, you cannot stop it from happening. Things, places, people, ideas: they all change. Anyone in their 50s knows how we begin to feel aches and pains we never had when we were younger. The man said change is the ONE constant in life that you can always count on. So instead of fearing it, embrace it, go with it, explore it to discover how change can work for you instead of against you. Those aches and pains signal maturity, and maturity brings increased wisdom and insight into issues that either baffled us in youth, or we were oblivious to altogether.

Converting from vanilla to wife-led marriage easily qualifies as a drastic change. Typically the husband secretly harbors his submissive desires, sometimes for many years, and after finally mustering his courage, surprises her with his confession. Duh. Do you think this may be why women initially reject the notion? Especially when you consider how men can be so convincing at maintaining their traditional masculine identity, that the wives hadn't a clue their husbands want to submit to their female authority. Of course one could argue that in many marriages the wife is already in charge, but chooses not to assert her authority overtly. In this regard, "changing" to a wife-led marriage might not represent that much change after all. But we'll save that discussion for another day.

I've gotta confess that had I gone to sleep as your average, vanilla kind of guy then wakened the next morning to find myself in a formal submissive role beneath a dominant woman, I'm not sure what my reaction would have been. You may recall that I am not one of those fellows who knew from the get-go his true calling was to be submissive to a woman. But I'll also admit to experiencing an epiphany, one in which I realized that the notion of femdom, despite causing more than a little trepidation, held more than a little appeal, much more appeal than felt comfortable. I needed to circle around that for a while, consider the pros and cons, explore how such a drastic change might work: for me, for my the women I love, and our for my relationship. You can bet I didn't to end up as someone who regretted what he had wished for.

I had an advantage that most closet submissive husbands share: I could run through all of the ramifications in the safe harbor of my mind, BEFORE I suggested a female-led relationship to GoddessV. Unfortunately, wives don't typically have this luxury. They aren't afforded the opportunity to examine this change in the dynamics of her marriage while remaining in the secrecy and privacy of their own minds. Hubby's femdom suggestion comes winging in from left field unexpectedly. Suddenly the wife is thrust into the harsh light of impending and drastic change. It's no wonder many react by resisting or ignoring hubby's crazy notions it in hopes they will go away. It's also no wonder why many wives caution their husbands that there will be no turning back if they do decided to give the wife-led dynamic a shot.

From whichever perspective one views it, change poses challenges to us all. Nonetheless, since it happens whether we want it or not, we might as well make it work for us if we can. When it comes to a change from traditional vanilla to loving female authority, you never know, it just might save/revitalize your marriage or relationship. It did mine.


Anonymous said...

This posting talks about the change from a vanilla marriage to a FemDom one. However, there are also changes within a FemDom relationship.

There is a comment on this blog at http://femaleauthority.blogspot.com/2009/10/who-says-submissive-men-live-in-fear.html from Sherri. She is already in a FemDom marriage. She wants to teach her 18 and 19 year old daughters about it and to consider how to do so and whether to expose it further to family and friends. She asked for advice there, but got only one response.

There is an blog at http://wifespanks.blogspot.com that may offer some ideas. The blog is by a woman who married a widower 16 years older than her. He was a neighbor who had also been her soccer coach. Her parents had a FemDom marriage, although they never exactly talked about it. She learned that he had a FemDom relationship with his first wife by his daughter telling the woman's mother that "boys in her house were spanked," but the daughter had only one brother. Some years later she asked the daughter about it and the daughter laughed and confirmed that "boys" (plural) was what she had said. When the woman told her mother she was seeing the widower, her mother told her to be sure "that he knows who is in charge.”

The question of how public to make their relationship has been an issue between them, but it is moving in the direction of becoming more public to her friends.

The blog is very well written (she is a professional writer), but it doesn't allow anonymous comments.

So, there are many kinds of changes that can happen.

Lady Domme said...

Your blog is well written and made me think. I know when my husband came to me and we talked about switching roles I was very hesitant and worried. However, he kept reassuring me that it was all going to be ok. Little did I know too that this change was going to the best thing I could of ever wished for.

We were struggling as a couple with power exchange before we switched. One of us had to take the lead and although I thought it was going to be him, he had the ability to see that it had to be me.

The "change" was scary and each day I learn more and more. Yet, I love where our world is today and it feels surprisingly very easy and natural. Just takes some getting use to and I am. Thanks for your post.

Lady Domme