Empowerment

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VeezKnight read a post in the Venus on Top Yahoo group and thought the new member to that group made some good points. I agree. We know that many submissive men try to get their wives to lead their marriages. And some (many?) are unsuccessful. I think one of the reasons for this is that submissive men often have more to their agenda than just being in a wife-led marriage. They don’t just want to be “led”, they want to be totally and completely dominated.


It's true that there is nothing that will drive a man happily into sub space like being dominated by a woman he loves. (The fact of the matter is there are few limits to how far a dominant wife can push and control her husband if she handles him properly.) I see nothing wrong with this—it’s as it should be. And when FemDom reaches full stride that’s how it WILL be.

BUT the transition from traditional vanilla doesn’t happen over night.


In the beginning, it’s a mistake for a man to expect his submission will be defined by the level of dominance the woman is initially willing to bring into the relationship. As Paul learned below, a man’s sense of submission needs to be realized from within, without depending on a dominant woman to define it for him. The thing is, and take it from me, dominating a man is a lot of responsibility and a lot of work too!

This is why when a man depends solely on a woman’s dominance to satisfy his need to submit, the FemDom dynamic probably isn’t gonna work effectively. As you’ll read below, Paul learned that becoming an empowered submissive—instead of a needy one—resulted in empowering his wife to more fully embrace her female authority. So you see, even though a male’s role is to follow, support and submit to the female, he can actually help “lead” the relationship into being a FemDom relationship that satisfies both.

This isn’t the same as "stealth submission," where the man knocks himself out while the woman knows nothing of what’s going on in his head. This is frustrating for a man and difficult for many to sustain. But in a situation where the woman is in the loop and is at least marginally agreeable, the outcome, as in Paul’s case, can be very different. One feeds the other. The more the male empowers himself through self-actualization of his submissive nature, the more it frees the woman to explore her authority and become an empowered dominant woman. The more empowered she becomes, the more it validates and drives the male’s sense of submission to new highs—or should I say ‘lows.’ ☺ Soon the relationship is .....



Thank you to Paul for giving us permission to reprint his experience here.

Paul wrote:

For years I asked my wife to be more dominant. I bought her books. I bought her toys. I asked in every way I could think of and even though she actually complied a lot of the time I was never satisfied. For me it was like an addiction. No matter what she did for me or to me I always wanted more. In truth I was very ashamed of being a submissive male and I forever wanted her to force me to be sub so I wouldn't have to take responsibility for choosing submission.

Meanwhile, my incessant requests helped my wife to feel that she wasn't good enough. Because I always asked for more, she felt I was rejecting what she did give me and thus rejected her. She also felt that I was being extremely controlling and although I said I wanted her to be in control I was constantly trying to manipulate her.

I did some counseling with a kink-friendly therapist who had worked for many years as a professional dominatrix. She told me very clearly, " lead with love, lead with joy, but never ever lead with need! It's unattractive! " What I learned was to approach my wife with the joy of who I am and the deep love I have for her and not approach her with neediness. She also taught me what an " empowered submissive" is. I learned that this kind of sub didn't need anyone else to make them a sub. In other words, I chose to accept who I am and I didn't need my wife to do or say anything so I could feel OK about being me.

After my work with this counselor, I decided I could not create a FLR. I wonder if any man can. What I did decide is that I could be in a male-following relationship. Having let go of my shame I no longer needed my wife to force me to be the person I knew I truly am. To meet my own need for submission, I settled in to serving my wife and doing my best to obey her will whether she asserted it dominantly or not.

I had been entirely focused on myself and I truly had no expectation that she would change her behavior. The funny thing was, my wife, almost immediately after I made this change, changed as well. She became extremely dominant. She said that I had taken the pressure off of her and she wasn't feeling manipulated anymore. She said she had breathing room and was enjoying her new domain.

Basically what I think happened for me is; having made my needs known to my wife, way too strenuously, I was helped to let go of being needy and focus instead on meeting my own needs by serving her, whether she responded or not. She then did respond, big time! She felt safe to be dominant because I had finally stopped dominating the relationship with my need for submission. Does that make sense?

Yes, Paul, it makes A LOT of sense.

--Goddess V

9 comments:

Elizabeth said...

Wow.

That was a breath of fresh air.

Thanks for posting it!

hugs, E

bud said...

seems like I learn things and then see them written. I came to this realization about a month ago and during our whole 8 month FLR journey, it has proven true.

Bingo!

Alexis said...

It comes down to the same thing as always: communication.

Stealth submission is, basically, lying. It is denying the WHOLE truth. Whether the word Paul wants to use is "empowered" or not, the reality is that he's speaking to his wife and Mistress to be. Actually speaking to her.

Is that so complicated?

oldbear said...

OMG YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!

I have been trying to point this out fo ryears now, just not as well or succintly as paul.

I would also like to add tht if your wife is not inteested AFTER you change your focus, let it be!

It aint loving or deferential to cling to the idea of a mode of behavior for your wife she does nto want to assume or is nto confortable with.

Fantasy and fantasizing aobut what she might ddo to you is one thing, and I totally apoprove of that for erotic purposes.

But doesnt the reality of commitment and devotion to a spouse preclude trying to force on them what hey dont want? Is it not wiser adnmore loving to appreciate and adore the wife you hae as she is NOW?

Just my two cents. Thansk fo rthe blog and sharing your love! OB.

Cuckold Hubby said...

Great site. I added you to our site as a related blog.

Mark said...

What an interesting and refreshing (seconding the compliment above) post. It really is amazing sometimes how when we let go and give up our *need* for the other person to be a certain way that it takes a kind of pressure off that was holding you both in a stuck state before. As OB mentioned, things don't always just magically go the way you had been hoping before you "let go", but it seems in my situation that very often the thing that I was trying/pushing/hoping to "get rid of" in the other person just... lifts like a fog dissipating at the end of a morning. And it's the change in my *own* behavior/demeanor that often subtly (and in a healthy way) changes the dynamic. Imagine that - you really can't change others, just yourself!

Anonymous said...

My wife and I are discussing the merits of a fem dom relationship. She is most certainly and alpha female and I am most certainly not an alpha male. To make matter worse I am was injured and as a result of that injury my back is messed up and I also had a brain injury. Now a big part of my maleness is gone and I am frustrated by it. I can no longer do the physical things associated with maleness and I am now challenged when doing mechanical things. This situation has frustrated me to no end. Luckily I have always had this feminine side to me and I also have a cuckold nature. I used to over compensate by doing macho things but now that part of my life is gone for good and all I have left is male rage. I feel like now I cannot be in charge nor do I want to be in charge.

Part of me has always wanted to be androgynous and submissive. When I am that way I feel safe and serene. Part of my submission is accepting the reality of our situation.

My wife has been cheated out of her alpha female status by a childhood that was a nightmare. I beleive it is her true nature to be a dominant wife. She is very attractive and pwerfully female. Her physical features are about as female as it gets. Her hip to waist ratio is beyond ideal. Her hair is spectacular. She has a very large vagina. I on the other hand, am too small to satisfy her and I have always lacked the stamina.

She is missing out on good sex. The only way I can satisfy her is with oral sex but she is capable of so much more. I think she needs to take on a lover.

I believe that a fem dom relationship is what we both need. I also find the idea of cuckoldry exciting. Is cuckoldry often a part of a female led relationship and should it be? I also think forced feminization and humliation would be good too.

Sincerely,

4.25

VeezKnight said...

Anonymous,

You said you were predisposed to wanting a female-led relationship before your injuries. I’m not a psychologist, but it sounds to me as though you are using your subsequent disability to justify your desire. Diminished “macho” physical ability really has nothing to do with being a submissive male. Consider how most dominant wives are no match for their husbands when it comes to brute strength, yet they have no trouble in leading a marriage. FemDom is not about who is bigger, or stronger.

Don’t sell yourself short in the sex department. I suggest you compare your definition of “good sex” with that of your wife. You may well discover that she has an entirely different idea about what constitutes good sex. Okay, maybe you aren’t hung like a horse and lack the stamina to pound her into the mattress to the point where she forgets her name. Does this mean your wife remains forever unsatisfied? Many women say that tongue, fingers and toys result in better orgasms, and many surveys have shown that some women can’t even reach orgasm during intercourse.

As for cuckolding, of the many aspects of FemDom, it always seems to spur a great deal of discussion. This is because many of the sexual kinks associated with FemDom tend to be male driven and cuckolding is more of a male fantasy than it is a woman’s. While I have no statistics to support this statement, it seems apparent there are many more dominant women who choose not to cuckold their husbands than do. Either they have no desire to have sex with other men, or they regard cuckolding as an unnecessary risk that might possibly jeopardize their marriage.

Finally, regarding feminization and humiliation: like cuckolding and all other facets of FemDom, what works for some does not work for others. You simply practice what you’re comfortable with and pass on those you aren’t.

Chris Hamilton said...

This was very interesting reading, all of it. I was especially impressed about Pauls letter, how he became aware of his shortcommings to initiate a FLR. I went down the same path until my old marriage went down the drain. I am a firm believer of the faster a transition to a Female rule of the world the better. The better for all spieces, including men. If there only was a serious organisation for the promotion of total Female control, i would join straight away. All males should be stripped of political, economic and rights to own property by law. i really do not see this as a fantasy as some write it here and in similar sites. What i think is sad, is that quite a few Women really beleive that men are equal to Women. These Women must have been brain washed since childhood by the patriarchal (anti human) society and have problems freeing themselves from this thinking.
I was married for 29 years in a typical patriarchal society and my former wife was a firm believer in men being the leaders. It was not in my nature to lead a marriage and i got more and more psycological problems to keep up an expected leader attitude. The natural solution became a divorce. A few years later i met a real Woman, now my Wife. She is the natural leader and declared this right from the start. We are more and more in love and i have never been so devoted to anyone in my life as i am to This Superior Woman. She owns everything and is keeping our accounts in a state i could never dream of. We have been married now for 10 years, the happiest time in my life.
As i read in some comments elsewhere, men exists for the sole purpose of supporting the Superior Females and serve the Females as best as they can in any way. i firmly beleive this is true. When i serve my Wife i feel freedom and inner bliss. Ok, maybe a selfish feelings, but seeing my Wife happy and relaxed gives me such joy and gives me wonderful feelings inside.
If more people and especially couples could find out and give in for the natural way of Female Supremacy, the world would turn peaceful and be better organised.
chris