“Rules,” expectations, and real-life solutions


First off, as we’ve said before, there really are no hard and fast “rules” per se when it comes to FemDom and a wife-led marriage. In fact, if we had to acknowledge there being even just one “rule,” it would be that a wife and husband must communicate honestly with one another on a continual basis. This only makes good sense regardless of what kind of relationship two people have.

There are, however, certain guidelines, or modes of thinking if you will, that distinguish FemDom from traditional relationships. Actually, these guidelines are nothing more than logical conclusions drawn from a different interpretation (and we think, a better understanding) of how Nature intended a woman and man to interact with one another-- based solely on their sexuality. These guidelines in turn can lead to building certain expectations in our minds, expectations over how FemDom and female authority is “supposed” to work. We all know what can happen when we hold expectations. Too often we end up being disappointed when something fails to measure up to expectations we had built up in our mind.

Generally speaking, it is a fact of nature that a man is more sexually driven than a woman. He masturbates more often. He thinks about and wants sex more often. When he has it, he thinks about what it was like long after its over. If he hasn’t had sex recently, he thinks about how long its been and how long it might be before he has it again. Being more visually oriented than a woman, a man is more attracted to the female’s body than she is to his. When he meets a woman, it’s typically not long before he imagines how she looks in the nude, and not much longer before he fantasizes about what it would be like to have sex with her. Granted, some men control this better than others, but ultimately, a typical male cannot help himself. It’s how he is wired.

One of the guidelines in a female-led relationship is orgasm management: the woman controls the man’s sexual release. She determines when, where and how he can experience an orgasm. Given the human male’s sexuality, one would think this would be objectionable for the average man. Yet the opposite is true. A man actually welcomes the opportunity to relinquish control of his sexual release to a woman’s authority. Perhaps this is because part of him knows he can never fully control it on his own, or because he intuitively knows he will be a better man when it is under the control of a loving woman. Nonetheless, this is why the majority of FemDom relationships begin at the suggestion of the male.

Except that the male psyche is such that relinquishing this control to a woman isn’t enough to satisfy him. He needs to be reminded of this exchange of power. The more often, the better. He needs to know that she is deliberately using her control to manipulate him in ways that suit her, in ways that bring her pleasure, and in ways that benefit their overall relationship. The more overtly she demonstrates this to him, the greater the control she maintains over him. It is the ultimate turn-on for a man. Ultimately it keeps him in a constant state of arousal (sexual and mental) that is focused exclusively on the woman in his life.

When a couple enters into a FemDom relationship, the man is more aware of this than the woman. Most likely, he wants it more than she. Thus he has certain expectations of how his newly dominant lady will use her authority; and thus, he sets himself up for frustration from the get-go. Critics of this lifestyle are quick to point out that it amounts to little more than the woman pandering to the male’s desires, playing the game just to satisfy his sexual fantasies (“topping from the bottom”). In a narrow sense, I would agree, simply because it seems the majority of women don’t initially seek out relationships in which they exercise such overt control over their men. So agreeing to try this dynamic could qualify as acquiescing to male desires. But when you consider a broader scope, the picture changes.

In the beginning it may seem like the woman is playing to her man to satisfy some kinky fantasy. But the fact of the matter is, when a man finally gets up enough nerve to confess his desires, he is sharing with her one of his most intimate secrets. And if you look past the sexual context, isn’t this what a woman wants most from her man? Doesn’t she want him to share with her his inner most hopes and dreams? Isn’t this a big part of how a woman defines intimacy in a relationship? Submissive men who read this know this to be true. So do the dominant women. But for the rest who aren’t in a FemDom relationship, once a woman establishes firm control over her man’s sexuality, he is powerless to resist it. The more she demonstrates this to him, the more he realizes he is powerless to resist, and the happier he is.

Who woulda thunk it?

This is where topping from the bottom ends and it becomes all about the woman. This is where a woman eventually comes to realize there is no reasonable limit to the power she has to shape her marriage and her man into whatever she wants them to be. If she isn't already, I think she can become more confident in her own sexuality as a woman--and also in all other aspects of her life both inside and outside the home.

Does a man fully comprehend this going into it? Maybe not totally but I think he does to a degree. I think by agreeing to turn over control of his sexuality, a man is saying that he wants her to establish authority over him and that he trusts her to use her authority wisely. It’s a damn good thing that most women have the smarts to do just that! My issue with this however, is that I thought, CRAP, on top of everything else, this is one more damn thing I have to be responsible for. Being a goddess is supposed to make my life EASIER-- not more complicated!

The way I see it is, if I’m the goddess, then I get to decide what we do and how we do it. So not long ago I decided that while orgasm management is a good thing, it isn’t something that I wanted to be totally responsible for. I told VK that I still will absolutely be the one to decide when and how he has an orgasm. And sex will still be primarily all about ME. But I don’t want to have to put up with any grumpiness if he thinks it’s been too long since we were intimate or since his last release. I’m usually well aware of how long it’s been, and I’m okay with teasing him—maybe not everyday—but often enough to keep the poor boy on edge. But there are lots of things going on in our life that intervene. I don’t want to always be the one to find the time to be sexually intimate. I don’t want to be the one who always has to set the stage. So I told VK, just come to me and suggest it. I’d rather he ask than mope around waiting for me to always be the initiator. Or get pissed off because he thinks I'm not holding up my end of the relationship.

If I’m in the mood, or I think I can get in the mood, we’ll go ahead and do whatever, even if its only allowing him to masturbate while I supervise. Geez, I'm not a heartless bitch-- its easy enough to take a few minutes to watch while he takes the edge off. If I think he should. This is not to say that VK has only to ask in order to receive. Not likely. That would destroy the management dynamic and the control I know he graves. But for me, our arrangement lightens what I saw as an added burden on me. And it helps eliminate expectations in his mind, and in mine too, of how our FemDom relationship "should" work or how often this or that "should" happen. To the point VK made at the beginning of this post, there are no set “rules” of how a wife-led marriage must work. As long as wife and husband communicate honestly with one another, they can find what works for them.


Ms.Michele said...

This is the first time I have seen your site and, as a Dominant woman who has been in a D/s marriage for nearly ten years, I completely empathize with GoddessV's remarks about the Dominant wife's burden of responsibilities. It was very hard work for me especially in the beginning to train my husband no matter how eager he was to please me. I focussed a lot on the need for chastity -- actually it all started when I was shocked and distraught to find out that he had been masturbating -- I was so naive at the time that a married man's masturbating seems to me as bad as cheating, and even more repulsive. I was a very vanilla person even though I had been previously married and had had quite a few affairs -- I knew very little about BDSM and the kinky aspects of Femdom (a term I didn't even know at the time). An obsession with "curing" him of his bad habit, or at least to control it, led me gradually into the world of Femdom.
I found what many other women find: that depriving him of orgasm and allowing it on rare occasions, preferably as a reward for good behavior, was a wonderfully efficient tool to control all other aspects of his behavior and to encourage his submissiveness to fully express itself. It was hard work but it was worth it. I realized that short of using a 24/7 chastity device, which belongs more to fantasy than to real life experience, I could never succeed in completely eradicating masturbation, but I was successful in training him psychologically so that he feels guilty when he does yield to temptation (which has become fairly rare) and feels the need to confess to me -- which results in some unpleasant punishments.
Of course, over the years the style and details of our D/s relationship have changed, but I have maintained a focus on chastity control and can't overstate how important it is -- in my humble opinion -- in a D/s relationship.

VeezKnight said...

Ms. Michele,

We're pleased that you recently discovered our site and just wanted to thank you for taking the time to share some of your story and thoughts. We're sure our readers look forward to possibly hearing more from you in the future. I know we do.

faninho said...

Well writen on both sides. It inspired me to write about my situation today and I had to mention your beautiful blog there! There is so much to talk about and you did so much to the discovering of this lifestyle on this blog!

Anonymous said...

Lovely post!

(yes, it's me...)

Bob said...

To me, the only solution is to have a legally binding agreement, where the husband signs a pre-nuptial agreement providing that if he divorces her or leaves her, or gives her grounds for divorce, each party will keep all assets in his or her name at the time of the divorce, and then have all assets, bank accounts, and other property in the wife's name during the marriage, so he's totally dependent on her financially, and has his paychecks deposited into her account, so she controls all the money, and also providing that he will obey her and perform all household work, whether he works outside the home or not. Then there is no need for any deprivation of sex or other tools to keep the husband submissive. He is legally required to be obedient 24/7, whether he wishes to or not, and the couple can learn and adjust to their new roles, just as women did for hundreds of years when men ran things, and the husband can truly learn that his greatest happiness if to make the wife happy and please her, so she'll be happy and pleased with him. It would be natural for a woman to be nice to a husband who pleases her and makes her happy. Once the woman has legal control of all the finances, and the husband is totally dependent on her, the female-led relationship can truly flourish.

It could work for unmarrieds, too, with the parties excecuting an agreement acknowledging that the woman has loaned him $25,000 or so, and the debt will be forgiven if he obeys her for two years or some period of time. Then the male has no choice but to obey, and presumably the woman would have his paychecks deposited into her account, so again she would own all the money, and they could settle into a true female-led relationship without any role playing or dissension. She wouldn't have to cater to his submissive desires, but would simply be free to be in total control of the male and the relationship, and the male would again learn that making her happy is his primary goal in life, and in his best interests, so she is pleased with him, and more likely to indulge him if he wants her to buy him something he'd like to have, or engage in some activity he enjoys.

Legal, binding obedience is the only way for both parties to find fulfillment, in my view.

VeezKnight said...


If this type of arrangement works for you, that's terrific. I can see the benefit of having a formalized (written) agreement between wife and husband, but not the sort of legal document to which you are referring. I personally don't think this kind of document should be necessary.

Goddess V and I don't happen to live this way. She is definitely the boss, but not because a lawyer or a document filled with legalize says so. But the beauty of an FLR is that you can pick and choose what works for you.