Awareness

We have goldfinches who visit our yard each summer to pick at the sunflowers I’ve planted or the thistle that VK puts in one of our bird feeders. A few weeks ago we were on our deck, watching them when I confessed to VK how until 5 or 6 years ago, I was completely unaware of them. The same for the cardinals who feast on sunflower seeds all year long (provided the pesky squirrels don’t gobble them up first). And ditto for a red headed wood pecker who occasionally makes an appearance.

In my defense I’ve gotta say that bird watching was not one of my priorities. I mean, I was too busy raising a house full of kids as a full time Mom. That was A LOT of work! But then one day when I was getting near the age of forty, I did become aware of something that was unexpected. No, it wasn't the birds. It was how my marriage had become a relationship I no longer wanted to be part of in the years ahead. Stick a fork in me—I realized I was done.

For a couple of years after that I don’t think I was aware of much of anything, except maybe the fog that seemed to fill my head. But today my life is very different. I have beautiful birds in my yard! One snowy day a few years ago, my youngest son was amazed to see 5 or 6 cardinals on our deck. I thought that was so cool when I realized that even though he was 16 years old, he’d never seen anything like that.

The birds were probably always in the neighborhood. It only took planting sunflowers or a hand full of birdseed from VK to bring them into our yard. VK says all the time, “You don’t know what you don’t know.” Sounded like gibberish to me at first but now I think it says it all. Once you’re aware of something, it can change your life—in ways you might never have imagined before you knew what you now know. But I think you have to open yourself to being aware.

BTW, VK dug up a few interesting facts. The American Goldfinch in the picture above is a male. The female (right) is more olive green. The male is also green but is the only bird to molt twice in one year. He turns bright yellow in the Spring in order to be more attractive to the female. Goldfinches are thought to stay with the same mate for life, except that sometimes a female will leave her first mate to tend to the nest while she goes off to mate with another male, who she then stays with for life. Ya gotta love nature!

Empowerment

VeezKnight read a post in the Venus on Top Yahoo group and thought the new member to that group made some good points. I agree. We know that many submissive men try to get their wives to lead their marriages. And some (many?) are unsuccessful. I think one of the reasons for this is that submissive men often have more to their agenda than just being in a wife-led marriage. They don’t just want to be “led”, they want to be totally and completely dominated.

It's true that there is nothing that will drive a man happily into sub space like being dominated by a woman he loves. (The fact of the matter is there are few limits to how far a dominant wife can push and control her husband if she handles him properly.) I see nothing wrong with this—it’s as it should be. And when FemDom reaches full stride that’s how it WILL be.

BUT the transition from traditional vanilla doesn’t happen over night.

In the beginning, it’s a mistake for a man to expect his submission will be defined by the level of dominance the woman is initially willing to bring into the relationship. As Paul learned below, a man’s sense of submission needs to be realized from within, without depending on a dominant woman to define it for him. The thing is, and take it from me, dominating a man is a lot of responsibility and a lot of work too!

This is why when a man depends solely on a woman’s dominance to satisfy his need to submit, the FemDom dynamic probably isn’t gonna work effectively. As you’ll read below, Paul learned that becoming an empowered submissive—instead of a needy one—resulted in empowering his wife to more fully embrace her female authority. So you see, even though a male’s role is to follow, support and submit to the female, he can actually help “lead” the relationship into being a FemDom relationship that satisfies both.

This isn’t the same as "stealth submission," where the man knocks himself out while the woman knows nothing of what’s going on in his head. This is frustrating for a man and difficult for many to sustain. But in a situation where the woman is in the loop and is at least marginally agreeable, the outcome, as in Paul’s case, can be very different. One feeds the other. The more the male empowers himself through self-actualization of his submissive nature, the more it frees the woman to explore her authority and become an empowered dominant woman. The more empowered she becomes, the more it validates and drives the male’s sense of submission to new highs—or should I say ‘lows.’ ☺ Soon the relationship is .....



Thank you to Paul for giving us permission to reprint his experience here.

Paul wrote:

For years I asked my wife to be more dominant. I bought her books. I bought her toys. I asked in every way I could think of and even though she actually complied a lot of the time I was never satisfied. For me it was like an addiction. No matter what she did for me or to me I always wanted more. In truth I was very ashamed of being a submissive male and I forever wanted her to force me to be sub so I wouldn't have to take responsibility for choosing submission.

Meanwhile, my incessant requests helped my wife to feel that she wasn't good enough. Because I always asked for more, she felt I was rejecting what she did give me and thus rejected her. She also felt that I was being extremely controlling and although I said I wanted her to be in control I was constantly trying to manipulate her.

I did some counseling with a kink-friendly therapist who had worked for many years as a professional dominatrix. She told me very clearly, " lead with love, lead with joy, but never ever lead with need! It's unattractive! " What I learned was to approach my wife with the joy of who I am and the deep love I have for her and not approach her with neediness. She also taught me what an " empowered submissive" is. I learned that this kind of sub didn't need anyone else to make them a sub. In other words, I chose to accept who I am and I didn't need my wife to do or say anything so I could feel OK about being me.

After my work with this counselor, I decided I could not create a FLR. I wonder if any man can. What I did decide is that I could be in a male-following relationship. Having let go of my shame I no longer needed my wife to force me to be the person I knew I truly am. To meet my own need for submission, I settled in to serving my wife and doing my best to obey her will whether she asserted it dominantly or not.

I had been entirely focused on myself and I truly had no expectation that she would change her behavior. The funny thing was, my wife, almost immediately after I made this change, changed as well. She became extremely dominant. She said that I had taken the pressure off of her and she wasn't feeling manipulated anymore. She said she had breathing room and was enjoying her new domain.

Basically what I think happened for me is; having made my needs known to my wife, way too strenuously, I was helped to let go of being needy and focus instead on meeting my own needs by serving her, whether she responded or not. She then did respond, big time! She felt safe to be dominant because I had finally stopped dominating the relationship with my need for submission. Does that make sense?

Yes, Paul, it makes A LOT of sense.

--Goddess V

Sidetracked

Sometimes life has a way of directing us away from the straight and narrow path we often envision for ourselves. Not that FemDom is all that “straight”. LOL, you get the idea. But that’s the way life is. You gotta go with it, deal with it and move on. Otherwise it can eat you up inside. I’m better at this than VeezKnight. Not because I’m a woman and he’s a man, but because that’s just the way I am. Aside from my gorgeous looks, this is one of my qualities that attracted him to me in the first place. ☺

Going into Spring we had a lot of plans. This included finally completing some long overdue home remodeling projects as well as changes and improvement in other areas of our life. Most of it went to crap. We also had unexpected and out of the ordinary expenses, as well as many family obligations that kept me rooted in my role as mother, sister, daughter.

I think it was in March that we had one of our hot tub talks when I told VK how lousy I had been feeling for the past year. He knew this already, but I also confessed certain fears I was experiencing about my health and how frustrated I was because it was an obstacle in many areas of our relationship. We would say we would start making time for this, or we would start doing that, but nothing would happen. To be sure, this wasn’t always “my fault,” but I was feeling guilt and dissatisfaction that often it was because I was constantly exhausted, or my libido was practically nonexistent, or because there were other constraints on my/our time. Then wouldn’t ya know but right about then VK came down with a debilitating physical injury. So much for the physical labor necessary to carry out our home improvement plans.

Anyway, VK did a lot of research on the Internet and diagnosed me with hypothyroidism. I’d been tested for that before but never officially diagnosed or put on medication. He encouraged me to “insist” my doctor test me yet again. So I did. You know how it is when you get blood work done. You worry that they might find something wrong. This time I was worried about the opposite, that they WOULDN’T find something wrong. As VK had learned, the medical industry has changed the standards considered to indicate normal thyroid function. My doc confirmed this and sure enough, my blood tests revealed I was now well within the abnormal range. This pisses me off in a way because for years I have been told that, despite having five or six of the common ten to twelve symptoms, blood tests showed nothing out of whack. Then suddenly, oops, we’ve decided to shorten the yardstick. Now you’re 5’5” instead of 5’8”.

The good news is that within 3 days of taking medication, I began to feel better. Also, last week VeezKnight had surgery to correct his problem. Right now he is still a miserable pain in my ass due to post surgery pain, but that is improving every day. And he is bitching about all of our plans that haven’t gotten done… and won’t in the near future. I know he is also feeling frustrated about how I have definitely not been feeling like a goddess these past months. This is going to change.

My point in all of this isn’t to solicit sympathy from anyone. We all have challenges, obligations and plain old crap in our lives that we’ve gotta deal with. It’s called life. Being in a FemDom marriage doesn’t make us any different than anyone else. It’s true that I haven’t much felt like a goddess lately, and VK hasn’t been as good a submissive as he has been in the past. But this will change. Now that we see light at the end of the tunnel, I plan to have discussions with him about how we might get back on track. I know he’ll have a few suggestions too.

I also plan to outline a few ways that VK can share more of the responsibility in maintaining our dominant/submissive relationship. And maybe some steps we can take to help him be less negative about some things. I think that negativity is nothing more than a bad habit that can be broken. Hopefully I’ll find the time to write about all of this in another post. VK and I will talk things over and I’ll decide on how we’ll proceed. He gets a vote, but I get a vote and a half. That’s part of the beauty of a wife led marriage. And if some of it doesn’t work for us then we’ll readjust as we go. We both agree on what we want, we just need to work around setbacks in getting there.

I Get No Kick from Champagne

But I do get a kick when I hear that lock click… SHUT… LOCKED... and only I hold the key! PSD, personal security device is what I like to call it. VK wears his obediently :-) In all honesty I don't even think he needs one. Though I thought it was a little barbaric at first, when VK and I spoke of it, I could see him becoming submissive. So I could tell it was something we wanted in our relationship. Besides, a little fun and excitement is always a good thing . So why not? I think people are too afraid to live a little and try new things. I mean, what’s the big deal?

I used the little lock this week. I told VK to put on his PSD on Monday night when we went to bed. Once he had himself situated, he presented himself for my inspection and handed me the lock. I slid it through the locking pin and I have to say---I LOVE the CLICK it made when I snapped it shut!!! The next morning as he was walking around the bedroom, the lock was clacking against the plastic pretty darn loud as he moved---another thing I LOVED to hear! He sent me an email later in the day and said "Sounds like something in my pocket rattling." Of course I was sitting at my desk grinning ear to ear :-) I had the key to that lock in my jean skirt pocket. Throughout the day I fondled it and thought about my husband, my knight (and my slave) being locked up until I decide to let him out—WOW!!!

A few days ago I told VK I thought all men should wear a PSD. Maybe not all the time but some of the time because men think with their little heads way too much. They need to wake up and smell the coffee. There’s so much more to women and relationships than popping their cork. I was married before to a man who I sometimes think sees life as all about having sex and the rest just waiting for the next orgasm. We had a good sex life, but he’d often say when I refused him, “If it feels good, why don’t you want to do it all the time?” I gave him way too many mercy fucks just to keep him from getting pissy. Live and learn—learning is something I’m still doing. I wish I knew when I was younger some of what I know now. Maybe it’s better this way that things happen in their own time.

I’m learning more and more about this lifestyle. About a side of me I didn’t know I had. And about my husband. VK has become such a good submissive. I can honestly tell you all that this is something I NEVER saw him doing. I read where many submissive men say they knew they are submissive early in life. VK says he never did. I believe him, so this made me wonder sometimes if he might have been grasping at FemDom in desperation as a way to save a relationship that we somehow couldn’t seem to get right in spite of the love we felt for each other. I know now he is genuinely submissive and I guess he just never “got it” before because over the past few years he has changed so much and become such a better man, father and husband. This lifestyle has made such a difference in our lives. I believe things happen for a reason so this musta been meant to be for us.

I read the comments on our blog and see where other dominant women say how VK is such a good submissive. Thank you ladies. I know he likes that recognition and so you’re helping to push one of those buttons I talked about in another post :) You also say I am lucky to have such a man. And you’re right, I am. But as dominant women, you know better than most that it takes a good woman to straighten a man out, and a loving domme to really put his ass on the straight and narrow with the direction he needs. I’m always telling VK what a lucky man he is, especially after I look in a mirror LOL! But truth be told, we know we are both very lucky people.

The business I am in is very busy right now. So I don’t have much free time to write on our blog. Wish I did because this lifestyle has changed our life in so many positive ways---not just at home but at work too! It is enabling me to be the woman that I truly am and I want to help promote it as much as I can. It does take a little work and preparation, but I think that is what is wrong with the vanilla world. People take and get taken for granted and eventually shut down and stop talking---about everything that matters. I have read many articles in which the sex has even stopped in a lot of marriages. Reasons---many. If you don't have the line of communication open, you are destined to fail and this is true in almost anything we do. So if there are people out there that aren't sure about this lifestyle or are afraid to approach their spouse or significant other about it (and I know there are many!) then shame on you. How can you possibly expect to have a meaningful, honest relationship if you cannot communicate about what is important to you?

Submissive Buttons

I haven’t been able to write here as often I would like. I don’t have a lot of time for it right now because of work, our side business and all the other day to day things that need to be tended to. It takes me close to an hour just water all of our flowers. Every spring I say I won’t plant as many but what can I say. I love planting flowers and watching them grow. And the house looks so good when they are all in bloom. Hopefully toward the end of summer and into the fall I’ll be able to spend more time here. I really do want to promote this lifestyle and help other women who may be considering or struggling with it because I believe many marriages would be much happier through FemDom.

The relationship between VK and me has changed a great deal in the last two years. We’ve changed as individuals too. And I think it is largely due to this lifestyle. I always knew if I could have total control (almost anyway) my life would be so much better. It is. You see----it has changed me a lot. I have taken so much more responsibility for things in my life and that has made me feel so much better about me, which in turn helps us. So it is a win/win for us both.

My knight just wrote me an email where he said, “I have always known in my heart that I love you, but it seems as if I love you more as time goes on. I don't know if it is because of our FemDom relationship (it must be largely due to that because I have no other explanation for it), but I feel more together with you. I feel more like a team. Plus I feel more in touch and greater satisfaction with myself, despite my submissive role in our marriage. You were so right the other night when you said that I am not the same man you met nine years ago. All for the better.”

I can tell you that VK was a good man when I met him. But he just didn’t get it when it came to certain things that are important to me. He was my best friend, but he was sometimes too distant, a little too judgmental and snobbish and righteous, sometimes too selfish and rarely attentive enough to me as the woman he loves. [sigh] It took me this long to straighten his ass out to where he is finally a keeper. Still, he is a man. He needs direction. He needs discipline. He needs to be reminded daily (and sometimes not gently) that his role is to submit to my female authority. I am still learning to appreciate how a man needs to feel submissive and so wants to be dominated by a strong, sexual woman. The more she dominates him the more submissive he feels and the better a man, partner and friend he becomes. I’m still learning how this process works with MY man--- but the results I’ve seen so far sure work for me! Because… I AM A GODDESS!

Our challenge (and frustration) is how to work this into our lives more. People with demanding jobs, busy schedules and children at home know what I mean. But I decided over Fourth of July weekend I would MAKE time to push some of VK’s submissive buttons. While we were out on Friday night (me wearing a Hawaiian dress) I took off my panties right there in the cocktail lounge and stuffed them into VK’s pocket. (button pushed… plus he was the envy of every man who saw me do it) On Saturday morning, VK copped an attitude about something that I didn’t appreciate. At first I walked away annoyed, but then I thought, nope, I’ll deal with this right now. Fortunately the circumstances were right--- which they often aren’t in our house with grown kids around. VK was out on the deck when I opened the door and called, “Come in here right now.” (button) I was waiting in our bedroom, seated on our bed with paddle in hand, “Take your pants down.” (button) He balked and started to protest but I cut him off. “Get your naked ass over my knee and do it now.” He did as he was told and I clearly explained in between swats with my paddle why I was dissatisfied with his behavior. (button)

In our old relationship VK’s attitude and my annoyance would probably have lasted all day and accomplished nothing at all except ruin our weekend. But the spanking diffused tension immediately and left us both feeling satisfied (and his ass stinging). He pulled up his jeans, I hugged him, we kissed and we went on to work hard together all day, side by side. That night we went out again. During the drive to the restaurant I told him I just might start carrying his collar and leash in my purse so that its handy if he misbehaves while we are out (button). I wore a skirt, left my panties at home (button) and made sure I flashed him several times during the evening (more buttons). We danced that night and I whispered in his ear what a good man I think he is and how much I love him for everything he does for me (button). Later, we got in our hot tub. I teased him to arousal with my feet (button) and sat on his erection (button) but then I got myself off with a jet while he watched (button). He got no release.

It was a great day for ME and for VeezKnight. So was the rest of our weekend and holiday. VK is still talking about it--- not just the fun parts but also the hours and hours we worked our asses off together at a house we are renovating. This is largely because I pushed his submissive buttons and flaunted my sexuality. Amazing but true. A few weeks ago I instructed VK to make me a list of his submissive buttons--- not that I will necessarily entertain all of them, but just for my reference and consideration. Based on some of what he’s written here, none of them were much of a surprise. But now I know. I can tell you that in the future Goddess V will be pushing more of VeezKnight’s submissive buttons--- pushing them harder and more frequently--- and probably discovering a few he doesn’t know he has…yet. [grin]

Goddess V

Discipline

I think discipline is a necessary part of Loving Female Authority. It’s a perfect way to continually reinforce a dominant woman’s authority over her submissive male. A submissive man needs this in order to validate his identity as a submissive. And I think that because he understands this about himself, a submissive man likes (maybe ‘craves’ is a better word) discipline---and wants it regularly.

I start with his collar. One of my favorite pleasures is when I have my husband strip naked and put his collar on. I attach a chain leash to the ring on his collar. [grin] It gives a new meaning to keeping your man on a short leash—about 4 feet! This is when my knight becomes my slave and he will do whatever is asked of him. In the beginning when we started our FemDom relationship I said that I wasn’t too interested in having a “slave”. I guess because I was thinking of someone who is forced to serve against their will. Now I realize it’s not like that. Dominating a man in a female-led D/s relationship isn’t the same. Because the male wants to submit. My husband wants me to put his collar on him and he likes it when I treat him like a slave. I do like thinking of him as my knight in shining armor, but I gotta say that I may like thinking of him as my slave even more. If we didn’t have teenagers still at home, VeezKnight would be VeezSlave a lot more. Maybe wearing his slave collar all the time---around the house anyway [grin]! When the collar goes on I can actually see a look of total submission come over his face and there isn’t anything he wouldn’t do for me. This is where trust and love come in. Lets face it, if you don’t trust the person you are with this could be a very scary scenario. This is what I am really trying to do here. Make people more aware of the care and love it takes to have this kind of relationship.

With all of the good stuff he writes here, don’t be fooled into thinking that VK is the perfect husband. He’s good and I love’um to death, but he’s a man, got it? He still screws up sometimes and he’s a little less attentive than he should be too. So once his collar is on, I spank him. I do it more to keep him on the straight and narrow, to be sure he tows the line more than as punishment. If I could I’d have him over my knee once a week, but like I said we still have kids at home. So spankings for now are about three or four weeks apart. I use a leather paddle so as not to hurt my hand and we have a safe word, but he has yet to use it. As I spank him I am very verbal as to why he is getting his spanking. I remind him that I am The Goddess and he is my submissive. I remind him that I expect him to worship and obey me. I count down whatever he’s done since his last spanking that didn’t please me—sometimes there isn’t much. I also point out things he’s done that did especially please me. His ass cheeks get a nice crimson glow and the more times my paddle slaps his bare ass the more excited I get. I am a very free spirited, non-judgemental and adventurous person, but even I didn’t expect the way this would be such a total turn on. What a happy surprise.

Does this make me sadistic? Nah. At first I had a hard time dealing good whacks with my paddle cause I’m not a person who likes to hurt anyone. Especially someone I love. So it’s not inflicting pain that turns me on so much as it’s how my husband submits to it under my authority. It’s the reaction that it draws out of him that turns the spanking from what some people would call an act of meanness into one of love. This is why I don’t advocate spanking or whipping a man in the heat of anger---like if he does something that really pisses you off and you want to strangle him. Every wife knows that feeling! Better to first let emotions subside. Wait until a time when you can concentrate on the discipline. How your actions affect your sub and how his reactions make you feel as a dominant female---instead of on transgressions he committed. It’s hard for me to get this idea across, but when there is genuine love and caring in a FemDom relationship, acts of discipline like spanking increase feelings of intimacy. They’re part of what create a deep, emotional bond between the Domme wife and her sub husband that is unlike anything else. It’s almost the sort of thing you have to experience to be able to understand. And I think just about everyone who has seriously tried LFA will agree.

LFA Opens Doors in Marriage

I hope to be a role model for women here. At least to help them understand what a female-led relationship can mean for them. Especially wives who have been approached by their husbands about it. Okay so maybe there’s a certain amount of kink involved. Course that depends on your idea of what’s kinky and maybe you’ll need to change your views a little when it comes to that. But don’t worry about that for now. We’ll talk about that later and trust me, it’s no big deal compared to what LFA will do for your marriage. I’ll give you a small example. As I was writing this VK was in another room working on a home improvement project. When he poked his head in the room I told him my feet were freezing. I asked him to get me some socks and put them on me. Did he balk? NO---he just did it. Without the rolled eyeball look he would have given me a few years ago. I didn’t “command” him or threaten him with a whip I just said my feet were cold and he took care of it. Sounds like a little thing, I know, but add up a bunch of little things and it becomes HUGH!

I’m thinking maybe I need to back up some. I was married before for 20 some years. I mostly stayed at home raising kids while my first husband worked---a lot. He was never home. He brought home the money to support the household. That’s important I know. But later when the kids were mostly grown I remember standing in my kitchen one afternoon and sinking to the floor crying, saying to myself “I can’t live like this.” I wanted more and I don’t mean a big house, flashy cars, expensive clothes and jewelry. I never cared about all that crap. That’s not what makes me happy. Anyway, my marriage ended because I guess it’s true that sometimes people grow together and sometimes they grow apart. There were a couple of miserable years there that weren’t good. Mostly because I carried a lot of guilt. Which was my own fault. For what? For wanting something more in life? For wanting what I felt in my heart was right?

GODDESS V TIP:
A woman should never, never allow anyone, especially a man, make her feel guilty about being true to herself.

I promised myself that in my next relationship---if there was to be one---I would have what was most important to me. I’m a romantic at heart so I wanted romance. I’m passionate so I wanted passion. I’m an honest and open person so I wanted a best friend that I can talk to about anything and who will talk to me about anything. I want someone who will share life through all it’s ups and downs and let me be ME. Not just in the early courtship stages. I think this should and CAN continue in a relationship between two people who love each other, not dwindle and stagnate over time. And if I’m gonna be in love, I wanna be held up there on a pedestal by the man I love---not because I think I’m any more special than any other woman on this earth, but because I am the woman he loves. That’s what I mean when I say Worship Me As the Goddess I Am. Loving Female Authority makes all this possible---and more. It’s opened doors to closeness and caring that I never had before. To continue.