Wife-Led Marriage

All men are NOT dumbasses

2010-01-27T21:15:00.005-05:00

Is anyone else annoyed at how men are commonly being portrayed in television commercials these days? I’m not sure when this trend began, but it seems to have been going on for a while and shows no signs of stopping. In fact it seems to be getting worse. Far too often, men are stereotypically being portrayed as… well, as stupid asses.

A dim-witted husband earns a scowl from his wife when he returns from a store with the wrong grocery item. A young man in a cafe foolishly says he’d save his beer from falling over a cliff instead of saving his faithful dog OR his sexy girlfriend (oh, for chrissakes). A middle-age man’s reflection in store window has to talk the guy into admitting to his doctor that his pecker has gone missing the wood. Meanwhile, another husband is mystified at how his wife can make their whiz-bang new air freshener spray smelly stuff while he can’t (push the button, stupid). Still another clueless hubby searches the fridge for yummy snacks as his wife describes to a friend on the phone how she enjoyed Boston cream pie dessert for lunch. That a yogurt manufacturer might be getting creative with naming product flavors is apparently too bewildering a concept for this fellow. The only cream pie he is likely to find will be between the legs of his wife.

A television ad that really plucks my last nerve is the sexist moron who sees a shapely female plumber in tight slacks enter his neighbor’s home, and proceeds to feverishly dump all manner of household items into his own toilet. Presumably, if he can clog it up in time while the lady plumber is still in the neighborhood, he’ll have a chance to gawk at her ass up close and personal. Alas, just as the moron empties a 20-pound bag of dog food into his shitter, his wife arrives on the scene to bring his ridiculous fantasy to a screeching halt.

Kohler, what the hell were you people thinking? God forbid they should show the guy just as he has risen from his toilet and is buckling his trousers. He turns around and looks downward to inspect his latest deposit (lets face it, all men do this) and, concerned over its meatiness, he crosses his fingers as he works the flush lever, or perhaps gazes upward as if asking for Devine assistance to save him from the nasty business of snaking or plunging all that poop. Flush… whoosh… happy days. Our man smiles at the camera and simply says, “All gone!”

Speaking of meaty, I’m reminded of my ex brother-in-law who, after many days of suffering from impacted bowels caused by rectal surgery, “gave birth” to what would come to be known as “the meatloaf shit” that his father had to beat with a stick before it would flush. Okay… admittedly, TMI, and no bathroom fixture manufacturer would ever be interested in THIS story. But you know what, at least it has a lot more to do with reality than does a man flushing his wife’s African violet and Fido’s dinner, just to get a peek at a female plumber’s shapely posterior.

I wonder: are these ads being written and produced by women? Some, maybe, but surely not all. So why does Madison Avenue seem to want to portray men in this manner? Is this their idea of the true American male? If so, some of those ad people need to get involved in femdom relationships… maybe join the She Makes the Rules forum on wife-led marriage. They’d have a chance to rub elbows with real-life men such as yours truly who, despite maintaining submissive roles in our homes, are anything but the moronic buffoons we are being made out to be. We who voluntarily submit to loving female authority are WAY too smart to flush anything belonging to the women we worship.

Children having flown

2010-01-15T17:54:00.003-05:00

Among the few women I dated during my years in college, there was one particular sorority girl who gave me something to think about outside of what I was learning in class. In those days, when you first got together, conversation centered around subjects such as your course load, which Psych profs were okay and which weren't, whose asses our football team was gonna kick next (we were a Big Ten powerhouse), and whether or not the Beatles might get back together. Later, you progressed to more personal stuff such as family background. It was at this level when my sorority girl shared with me how, now that she was in college, her parents were probably going to get divorce--after 30 years of marriage. They only had stayed together until she and her older sister had grown up and left home.

Later, I had occasion to stay at my girl friend's home for a few days. She'd been raised in a modest but comfortable brick rancher in typical middle-class suburban neighborhood. Her mom was a diminutive and personable lady who stood all of about five-foot one. Family members called her Big Martha. Her dad seemed somewhat older and nice enough, but as I recall, a bit on the dull side. Both parents were very good to me during my visit, maybe better than they were to each other. Mom made me the first homemade french fries I had ever eaten, and vanilla pudding because it was my fav. Dad helped me out of a jam caused by serious car trouble that had left me stranded.

I remember marveling, both during my visit and for long afterward, at how it could be possible that these two nice people, any two people for that matter, could build a life together over so many years and raise two wonderful children, only to prefer to fold up the tents and go their separate ways (well, one of them did anyway). At the age of 19, this was the first time I had been exposed to this sad side of marriage in our society. Wow, was I ever naive.

A middle-aged wife looks at her balding husband from across the breakfast table. She sees only that he is unshaven, his hairy beer belly spilling out between the hem of his yellowed undershirt and the tattered waistband of his boxer shorts. There was a time when she might suggest they explore a flea market she saw advertised in the Penny Saver. Now she knows better than to talk for fear of interrupting a crucial segment of the morning news on television. Instead she silently plans to visit the flea market alone, to shop for some new second-hand toys for when the grand kids come to visit.

During a commercial break for Cialis, the woman's husband reiterates to his masculine ego how had his wife not gained 75 pounds, replete with sagging breasts and cellulite dimpled ass, he is confident he could once again maintain the magnificent, stiff erection of his youth. When his wife mentions she plans to go shopping, he makes a mental note to use his time alone in the house to visit his favorite Internet porn sites. Holy crap! This is it for the duration... and two of the Beatles are fucking dead!

Going on 40 years after my college days, after a combined 50+ years of marriage and having varying numbers of children in our home(s) for 30 years, GoddessV and I are about to become empty nesters. And so, like the couple described above, will sharing a breakfast table be about the only thing we have in common? To be sure, life without kids in the house will surely be different. Yes, there are a few things to be sad about as any parent with grown kids knows. But over all, there are plenty of great reasons to celebrate. One of those reasons just happens to be the impact having no kids in the home will have on our femdom relationship. Even as I think about it, it's difficult to fully imagine.

Happy New Year!

2009-12-31T15:02:00.004-05:00

Tonight we'll ring in 2010 with a blue moon, the second full moon this month. The New Year’s Eve blue moon will be visible in the United States, Canada, Europe, South America and Africa. A New Year’s Eve blue moon occurs only once every 19 years and won't come again until 2028. Of course the blue moon won’t actually be blue. I didn't bother to take the time to surf the Net to find out why it's called a blue moon, but it has nothing to do with its color and everything to do with something that is rare, special or uncommon.

Femdom marriages are still pretty rare and uncommon. Or so it seems. But they are indeed special. Based on emails I periodically receive, as well as posts on a forum to which I belong, the rarity isn't due to a dearth of wannabe submissive men out there. As the decade winds down, many of them are mustering the courage to suggest this lifestyle to the women they love. Others have but alas have been "shot down". I really don't quite get this, because if two people love each other, what the heck is so wrong with at least trying something your partner suggests? How does one know it won't work or be so horrible without trying? Still other men are actively looking for a dominant woman with whom they might establish the femdom or FLR lifestyle.

GoddessV and I will soon be going out to our favorite restaurant/bar to have some fun with whatever friends who happen to be there. But we'll be back home well before the ball completes its journey over Times Square. One of GoddessV's surprising characteristics is that she doesn't much care if people discover the truth about our lifestyle, yet the thought of being on the road with late-night drunk drivers freaks her out. Image that.

Nonetheless there will be time enough this evening for us to drink a toast to male submission to female authority. We hope that many around the world join us in our toast so that 2010 is a year in which it becomes less a blue moon rarity. GoddessV and I wish each and every reader of our blog a very happy and healthy new year!

Study indicates submissive sexual behavior in women reduces their arousal

2009-12-16T22:25:00.003-05:00

Less than satisfactory sex may be brought on by thoughts of submission, which can lower arousal, says a study from the University of Michigan. The study, as published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, suggests that women, but not men, automatically associate sex with submission. Apparently submissive men were not accounted for, because it further indicates that this connection reduces the quality of the sexual experience.

The research findings show that women implicitly associate sex with submission, which leads to them feeling as though they assume a submissive sexual role. This in turn leads to impaired or lack of arousal due to reduction in their sense of sexual autonomy. Researchers postulate that our current social norms promote deference to men and that magazines, television and movies "commonly display male sexual dominance over women as well as female sexual submission to men.” Duh… do yuh think? Oh, and don't forget the teachings of many religions adding to the mainstream media message.

That women may have unconsciously picked up the message that they should be sexually submissive raises the possibility that women have internalized this societal pressure. Says researcher, Amy Kiefer, "The more women reported engaging in submissive behaviors, the less arousal they reported experiencing from a range of sexual activities.” She further hypothesized, “The problem with submissive behavior seems to be that women don't experience these submissive behaviors as authentic or native expressions of their selves. Submission to their partners’ desires appears to undermine their ability to assert themselves within the sexual context.”

Hmmm, do yuh think it just might undermine their behavior in other ways as well? Furthermore, if the study suggests that women are not natively submissive, does this support the notion that women are inherently dominant?

Embracing change

2009-12-09T21:09:00.007-05:00

Many of us aren't especially enamored with change. It pushes us out of our comfort zones: the familiar and predictable, the tried and true, that which is easier to deal with, because we have history there and know what to expect. Some would say that we fear change, but I think it's not so much change itself that we fear. It's the uncertainty of what change may or may not bring into our lives. That amounts to fear of the unknown.

When change is subtle or slow to take effect it seems to cause much less stress on our nervous systems. You squint more and more to read the type on your computer screen until one day, holy crap, you realize you need reading glasses! Well, you kinda knew that was coming, it just took you a while to admit it. So you pick up a pair of readers at the pharmacy and life goes on (with you seeing a lot more clearly). But when change is drastic or abrupt--you wake up one morning and suddenly can't see worth a damn--well that's a horse of a different color. You'd be more likely to try to fix what you perceive to be "a problem", or ignore it in hopes it will clear itself up in time.

When I was in my mid 40s it was a particularly tumultuous time for me. Things were changing in my life that made me feel sad, scared, yet hopeful--all at the same time!
That's when a wise man, a sort of life coach/self-help guru spoke to me. He said the thing about change is, you cannot stop it from happening. Things, places, people, ideas: they all change. Anyone in their 50s knows how we begin to feel aches and pains we never had when we were younger. The man said change is the ONE constant in life that you can always count on. So instead of fearing it, embrace it, go with it, explore it to discover how change can work for you instead of against you. Those aches and pains signal maturity, and maturity brings increased wisdom and insight into issues that either baffled us in youth, or we were oblivious to altogether.

Converting from vanilla to wife-led marriage easily qualifies as a drastic change. Typically the husband secretly harbors his submissive desires, sometimes for many years, and after finally mustering his courage, surprises her with his confession. Duh. Do you think this may be why women initially reject the notion? Especially when you consider how men can be so convincing at maintaining their traditional masculine identity, that the wives hadn't a clue their husbands want to submit to their female authority. Of course one could argue that in many marriages the wife is already in charge, but chooses not to assert her authority overtly. In this regard, "changing" to a wife-led marriage might not represent that much change after all. But we'll save that discussion for another day.

I've gotta confess that had I gone to sleep as your average, vanilla kind of guy then wakened the next morning to find myself in a formal submissive role beneath a dominant woman, I'm not sure what my reaction would have been. You may recall that I am not one of those fellows who knew from the get-go his true calling was to be submissive to a woman. But I'll also admit to experiencing an epiphany, one in which I realized that the notion of femdom, despite causing more than a little trepidation, held more than a little appeal, much more appeal than felt comfortable. I needed to circle around that for a while, consider the pros and cons, explore how such a drastic change might work: for me, for my the women I love, and our for my relationship. You can bet I didn't to end up as someone who regretted what he had wished for.

I had an advantage that most closet submissive husbands share: I could run through all of the ramifications in the safe harbor of my mind, BEFORE I suggested a female-led relationship to GoddessV. Unfortunately, wives don't typically have this luxury. They aren't afforded the opportunity to examine this change in the dynamics of her marriage while remaining in the secrecy and privacy of their own minds. Hubby's femdom suggestion comes winging in from left field unexpectedly. Suddenly the wife is thrust into the harsh light of impending and drastic change. It's no wonder many react by resisting or ignoring hubby's crazy notions it in hopes they will go away. It's also no wonder why many wives caution their husbands that there will be no turning back if they do decided to give the wife-led dynamic a shot.

From whichever perspective one views it, change poses challenges to us all. Nonetheless, since it happens whether we want it or not, we might as well make it work for us if we can. When it comes to a change from traditional vanilla to loving female authority, you never know, it just might save/revitalize your marriage or relationship. It did mine.

Enough is enough?

2009-12-06T16:35:00.005-05:00

Too many women have a "problem" with the shape their body is in. Too fat. Boobs too small. Boobs too large. Ass too wide. Belly too paunchy. Arms too flabby. Chin too saggy. The corollary is that men are pretty much responsible for the self-image that many women maintain. One has only to view your average porn video, 95% of which are created by men, to see the proof.

And women's fashion. What I want to know is, who is responsible for creating the clown outfits such as the ones pictured here that were recently presented at a Victoria's Secret fashion show. I would be shocked to learn that a woman had designed them. If so, what the hell were you thinking? Sure, the models are young gals. News flash: young girls grow up to be anorexic, and very unhappy women.

When the hell is someone going to say, "Enough is enough!" I realize that as a society, we are grossly overweight, but give me a break. The majority of women, even healthy, active ones, outgrow size zero sometime in elementary school I would imagine. what is so inherently wrong with being a size 14, 16 or, God forbid, an 18 or beyond. Goddess V says she was born a size 12 and grew from there. Happily, GoddessV's self-image is positive enough that she doesn't care about wearing "womens" sizes.

Sadly, many women are not as fortunate as my wife and as a result perpetually aspire to be less than what they are. Here's another news flash: lots... and LOTS of men actually prefer voluptuous, zoftig women over the more boobless, assless toothpick variety.

Here in femdom land, the Number One perplexing issue has always been: why doesn't every women embrace the notion of being in a wife-led marriage where hubby submits to her loving female authority? Why do so many women go screaming into the night when their husbands suggest this lifestyle? Why do women not embrace it, spread the word and unite to make this lifestyle the norm?

Here's preplexing issue Number Two: why do women continue to allow "society" (I'll say society but we know it's mostly men) to dictate the shape women's bodies should take, and to design the clothing they think women should wear? Why do women not say, "You can kiss what you may think is my fat ass if you expect I'm gonna wear a stupid looking clown outfit that you think is flattering and sheik."

Okay, maybe this makes sense after all

2009-12-02T22:06:00.005-05:00

There have been several celebrity women over the years who for one reason or another, captivated me the moment I first saw them. There was Jane Seymour as Solitaire opposite James Bond; Meg Ryan in her supporting role in Top Gun; Jane Fonda as hooker, Bree Daniels, in Klute; perspiring, husky-voiced Kathleen Turner in Body Heat. Meredith Baxter in the short-lived TV sitcom, Bridget Loves Bernie, is another. I'd be less than truthful if I said I hadn't fantasized about her more than once in my younger years.

Today, at the age of 62, after being married three times and having given birth to five children, Meredith announced on NBC’s Today television program that she is a lesbian. Wow. How is it that a woman in her mid fifties can suddenly discover she is gay? According to Meredith in her interview with Matt Lauer, her’s has not been a case of life-long denial trying to be something she is not. Rather, it was only seven years ago that she discovered the truth about her sexuality. Her reaction was, “Okay [deep breath], maybe certain things in my life make sense after all. It wasn’t just that I was a bad picker of husbands.”

Despite never seeing that one coming, I’ve gotta say that I still think Meredith is all that—and a bag of chips. In some respects her admission, or discovery, or whatever one wishes to call it, can be an inspiration for some of we men who live (or want to live) a wife-led, femdom lifestyle. I myself cruised all the way to age 50 before discovering the truth about my sexuality. There’d been no legacy of surpressed feelings, or unfilled desire to be dominated by a woman. I'd been merrily plugging along, content in the notion that a male's rightful position is on top.

Yet once I met the right woman, perhaps similar to how it happened when Meredith met her partner, Nancy, the truth surfaced. Suddenly there was male chastity, and spankings, and strap-ons, and panties, and all manner of oh-my-God femdom trappings. It was as Meredith said: certain things in my past began to make sense. There was an undeniable rightness to it and I thought, “Okay, [deep breath] this must be why I’ve always experienced a nagging feeling that something was missing in my marriage.” Watching the video of Meredith’s TV interview, I couldn't help but feel admiration for her desire to get it out in the open. I remember the relief I felt once I had been up front with Goddess V about what was happening in my head.

I felt a certain kinship as well, partly because I have a daughter who came out as a lesbian about two years ago. So maybe I am more accepting of homosexuality than others. Maybe it's in my genes to be more accepting of various less-than-vanilla lifestyles. I love my little girl and as long as she is happy, that’s what matters most to me. After all, in the end, isn't that what matters most? I can identify with Baxter on a sexuality level, at least to a certain degree. No, it's not a direct parallel, but I can appreciate how it feels to experience having an unexpected inner truth surface to turn your sexuality on its ear. And I can relate to how she may have initially struggled with her revelation. Do I push it away or do I go with it, test it, see if it’s real?

For me, it became clear, early on that it was neither dalliance nor fantasy. My need for loving female authority was quite real. Thank the stars, Goddess V embraced what to her was also a new role. If anything, my desire to submit to her loving authority, domination and discipline grows with time. As it appears to be for Meredith Baxter’s lesbianism, the discovery of my submissive nature is one of the best and most fulfilling things that’s ever happened. Like her, I am so very thankful I took that initial deep breath and said “okay.”

Giving thanks

2009-11-25T14:22:00.002-05:00

Not that we will all fall to our knees in thanks, but the Thanksgiving holiday in America is a time for most of us to pause from our daily routines to reasses what we have in our lives to be thankful for. I, for one, have much to be thankful for. I am reasonably healthy and so are those whom I love and care about. I have a good job, a comfortable place to call home and a nice car that gets me where I need to go. I don't have all that I want, but I do have all that I need. For this I am thankful.

Most of all, I am thankful for the love of Goddess V, my amazing, sexy wife who means the world to me. She is far and away the best friend I have ever had. So many men who aspire to have a similar wife-led marriage have told me what a fortunate man I am to have such a relationship. I do believe it. I do believe it's true. THANK YOU!

A post from a reader

2009-11-15T18:08:00.005-05:00

A gentleman by the name of Ken posted this comment on the Wordpress version of this blog. He posted this in response to Goddess V's "Empowerment" post, dated August of 2007. (At one time I had planned to move this blog to Wordpress, hence the duplication, but then I decided to stay with blogger simply because it seemed easier to use. I no longer update Wordpress and ended with a message pointing readers to this URL.)

I don't necessarily agree with everything Ken says in his post, but as a man who obviously appreciates the wisdom of wife-led marriage and loving female authority, I though his well-articulated message deserved to be reproduced here. I found it interesting that many Christians interpret Biblical teachings as calling for men to rule the household. Yet Ken, also a Christian, finds just the opposite.

When I was a teenager I accidentally came upon a book called “The Natural Superiority of Women” in our local library. At the time, I didn’t believe it could possibly be true, but I thought it a little strange that there was no such book teaching MALE superiority! I decided it must be because most everyone already knows that MEN are superior! However, as a 69 year old married man I have over the years become convinced that Women are, indeed, superior to men.
Here is why:

1) Women are more independent.
This first evidence I’m giving of female superiority I think is a powerful one. It has been my observation that men seem to NEED Women more than Women need men. And consequently if a man loses his wife (or romantic interest) he is much more inclined to be depressed for more lengthy periods than a Woman would be. In such situations men are even more apt to go berserk, killing themselves and others. And when living without the opposite sex, men have a greater tendency to become mentally and/or emotionally unbalanced, self-centered and/or overly aggressive. Truly, “It is not good for a man to be alone.” And it seems to be worse for a man than a Woman.

2) Women have the greatest role in life.
They are the life givers. And the act of bringing another human being into the world is, arguably, the greatest accomplishment of all human endeavors, far surpassing the work of scientists, inventors, political leaders, and even prophets and Bible teachers. For nearly all of their work will ultimately be destroyed, but the labor of women in giving birth has eternal consequences. Women even have the most prominent part in nurturing and training these newborns. On the other hand, man’s role in reproduction is extremely small in comparison to Woman’s. And it is man–not Woman–who is almost solely responsible for the destruction of life.

3) Women tend to be more dominant.
One sees this not only in ancient biblical characters such as Adam, Samson and Solomon, but even to this day: “”Psychological tests reveal that more than half of the wives tested are more dominant that their husbands. It is not uncommon to discover in such tests that a wife will score in the eighties or nineties on dominance, while the husband’s score may be in the twenties or thirties” (from “The art of Understanding Your Mate,” by Cecil Osborne). As the Christian authoress, P. B. Wilson wrote, “So it is–with few exceptions–that women want to control and men want to relax.”

4) Women have superior qualities.
Which sex is the most loving, nurturing and gentle? We all know it’s the female sex, Woman. Her greatest quality is her superior love, love that is often unconditional–and the greatest quality of our Creator as well (I John 4:8,16). We also know that it is primarily the males who fill up society’s jails and prisons. In other words, a Woman, generally speaking, is a more godly creature.

5) The order of Creation proves a Woman to be superior.
If you read the biblical account in Genesis, then you see a steady progression, how God created first all manner of sea life and flying creatures. The next day He created all manner of beasts and insects. And the following day He created the first man…THEN God created Woman, His last and greatest creation.

6) The biblical chain of authority proves Women are superior.
For the best translation of I Corinthians 11:10 reads that a Woman “ought to have authority OVER her head,” meaning over her husband. And with this authority She, not her husband, is to “rule the household” (I Timothy 5:14, original Greek). In the original Greek, a man is never delegated to rule the home, only to take the lead in teaching the Word of God. And as if to emphasize a Woman’s authority in the home, God has repeatedly indicated in the Scriptures that wives are to discipline their husbands!

……………….

So as a Christian man, I obey my wife because she is superior to me and because God commands me to submit to her. Furthermore, I obey her because I know from experience that I cannot be truly happy or fulfilled without being in total submission.

On veterans male and female

2009-11-11T21:38:00.014-05:00

Today we remember the many millions of veterans of our Armed Forces, both male and female, especially those who gave their lives as a result of their service in both peacetime and wartime. THANK YOU!

It's interesting in the above illustration that only one woman is shown, when actually, many, many women have served in the United States Armed Forces. During wartime, particularly WWII, women were often shown in illustrations used in poster promotions. Many such posters urged women to "hold down the fort" so to speak, or to take over jobs vacated by men who were overseas fighting, or to conserve food and other supplies so that more could be allocated for our troops. Considering the times, some treated women with a reasonable degree of respect.

Some however border on being downright demeaning. Consider this poster for example.

This one pretty much says, "Wow, the wings you riveted onto those airplanes you help build didn't fall of in combat after all." I especially like what I'm sure is an unintentional look on the woman's face that seems to respond, "Amazing isn't it. Now how about you choke on that sandwich then go shit in your hat."

And then there is this WWII poster aimed I assume mostly at our solders, sailors and flyboys when on R & R.

Picking up females for sex was thought of as taking chances with a loaded gun? Righto: VD is not victory, that's for sure. Damn those treacherous and unclean women for luring unsuspecting, war-worn soldiers into sticking their willies into infected but oh-so-inviting coochies.

This WWII magazine ad shows the miracle drug saving lives on the battle field, which it most certainly did. But one wonders how many GI's were also dosed after reporting for period short-arm inspections. And thanks to penicillin he'll come home with a penis that won't give you syph or the clap. (Geez, in the face of today's threat of HIV, a case of VD seems almost welcome does it not?)

L'Origine du monde

2009-11-02T17:52:00.006-05:00

Origin of the World, painted by French artist Gustave Courbet in 1866, is one of my favorite paintings. Reproductions of this work, as well as many of Courbet's less explicit nudes, along with portraits, landscapes and still lifes are readily available. I've seen many of them on display in framing shops and art shops, but never a print of this particular painting, undoubtedly due to the erotic realism of this work. I can imagine were the framing shop in our local mall to display this in their store front, mall management, and likely the local authorities, would regard that as a definite problem.

I have to admit I would probably be uncomfortable hanging this painting in my living room. Assuming Grandgoddess V would allow it, which she assuredly would NOT, I can envision our grandsons pointing and giggling at the painting every time they visit. Nope, that wouldn't work. Isn't it interesting that Courbet's depiction of the origin of all woman/mankind is largely regarded as being unfit to openly display, despite being fine art. But not in France of course, where they tend to be more laissez faire about such matters. The original 18" x 22" oil on canvas painting currently resides in Musée de Orsay in Paris.

What say you: Fine art or pornography?

Change: a new look

2009-10-31T13:37:00.003-04:00

Many of us are not big fans of change. It means getting comfortable with, or at least accepting something new in our lives. And whether it's for better or worse is usually a matter of perspective. But the thing about change is it's the one constant in life that you can always depend on. There will always be change.

This is the third year for this blog. Most of that time I've used the same format. Since I began posting again, I've been thinking about changing the look. No good reason I guess, just boredom. I was tired of looking at.

So here it is. I'm still making a few changes to the template code, but since I'm not a whiz at html, it's slow going.

Want some boobs... I mean fries with that?

2009-10-21T20:16:00.005-04:00

I was reading something the other day that amazed the hell out of me. It was an article that mention how Ray Kroc, the man who ran McDonald’s from 1954 until the early 1980s, had established a policy that prohibited women from being McDonald’s employees. That policy remained in force until finally being rescinded in 1968, but only on the condition that the women hired should be, in Ray's words, “kind of flat-chested.”

The inference there I suppose is that big boobs would distract patrons at the restaurants. After all, the fries and burgers were supposed to be the main attractions, not a busty clerk across the counter. I guess in that respect one has to admire Kroc's single-minded determination. Maybe I lack the unwavering determination needed to be super successful, but being a boob man myself, Kroc's thinking seems rather extreme.

Speaking of super, isn't it interesting how somewhere along the line Mickey D's discovered the benefits of "super-sizing" their offerings. Burgers, fries, soft drinks. Boobs too maybe?

And isn't it interesting when you consider how a company like McDonald's could discriminate against women because they have breasts, then reluctantly hire them only if they have small ones. Flash forward a few decades to a company such as Hooters that gets sued over a policy that is completely opposite: the bigger the boobs the better.

I wonder, was the Hooters lawsuit filed on behalf of busty women who felt they were being treated as sex objects, or small-busted women who felt they were being discriminated against. What a world.

Time to make the donuts... and kick ass

2009-10-14T20:49:00.009-04:00

The Internet is bursting with useless and often erroneous information. One link leads to another and another then another, and before you know it, there it is in front of you. You may not be all that interested, but nonetheless, for some reason, maybe simply because it’s there, you find yourself reading. I read some useless information today. I read it primarily because it struck a chord with something that happened to me about six years ago. Otherwise, it mostly qualifies for the useless information bucket, unless you happen to be considering investing money in Krispy Kreme.

This really is a post about wife-led marriage, female-led relationships and FemDom. Sometimes it takes me a while to get where I’m going, so yes, there is more to this post than donuts. :)

It was an article about why/how Krispy Kreme went from being a southern-based hugely popular chain of donut shops to a nationwide company full of more holes than the tens of thousands of donuts they sell each day. That equates to stock going from $49.00/share to less than a buck… and that equates to mighty piss poor executive management (IMHO). All of this despite having an affordable product that people are willing to wait in line for.

The article mentioned how during the company’s zenith in the late 1990s, a new KK franchise opened in Manhattan and people waited in long lines every time the hot donuts sign went in the window. I know the line thing to be true because when a KK store with a drive-thru opened near us, you would have thought they were passing out glazed, chocolate frosted and jelly filled five dollar bills. I think all the local Dunkin Donuts shops closed down and their owners went back to India for a few weeks. Local police were needed for several weeks to control traffic jams until the new-donuts-in-town curiosity wore off.

As for me? Uh-huh, I waited for nearly an hour in that line. I did it one time, and I might add that I bitched incessantly to my wife the entire time how idiotic we were for wasting the gasoline and the time. Sure I can put away donuts with the best of them, especially KK donuts cause they are small. But excuse me? All this hubbub just to buy a box of warm fucking donuts? It reminded me of the long lines in which I had waited back in the 1970s. I’d had no choice then, but this? This was a clear case of donut delirium.

BTW if you picked up on my wife reference in that last paragraph, you’ve picked up on the reason for this post. You see, at that time, I was feeling free to bitch about waiting over an hour for donuts. At that time, the woman beside me in the car was “just my wife.” I had not yet learned to elevate her to the rank of Goddess. Actually, we had not yet married. We were probably sitting in her convertible, the one with a purple “Worship Me as the Goddess I Am” bumper sticker.

If I have my chronology straight, it was about that time that Goddess V had just about enough of me and was planning to kick my ass to the curb. Get my drift, gents? If you read the first post on this blog (linked above), you know how I resented the inference behind that purple bumper sticker. That was a time when some people thought they could make a lot of money by investing in Krispy Kreme; and a time when a foolish 40-something year old man thought a woman had a helluva nerve expecting to be treated as a Goddess. My, how much there was for many of us to learn.

Speaking of "the good feeling"

2009-10-12T18:52:00.010-04:00

I'm often surprised and amazed at how little some of us (men) really know about sex, especially when it comes to to the mechanics of ejaculation. Oh, we know what feels good, and we know we like it.. A LOT... but for many, that's about as far as it goes. I've read many posts in forums written by men who ask what I consider to be surprising questions or make comments based on what I know to be erroneous or misinterpreted information. So for the record, here are a few facts about the male's favorite toy:

1. An erection is NOT necessary to experience an orgasm or an ejaculation, either separately or in conjunction with one another. Really, I am here to assure you that this is true.

2. An orgasm can be experienced without having an ejaculation. Ask a man who has had his prostate removed due to cancer (the prostate is what produces the seminal fluid).

3. Prostate massage (the practice of milking that is often referred to among chastity aficionados) can produce a slow release of seminal fluid that will drain down and out of the penis. The release is slow and not to be confused with an ejaculation.

4. Prostate massage does not normally product an orgasm, however some men who use prostate stimulators such as the Aneros, say they can experience a "hands-off" orgasm with no direct stimulation of the penis. I'm thinking I need to get me one of these bad boys... just out of curiosity mind you... but I'm not sure it will meet Goddess V's stamp of approval if it means getting the good feeling too often.

5. Stimulation of the penis of some sort, though sometimes minimal, is normally necessary to produce an orgasm.

6. Mental "excitement" or stimulation is not an absolute necessity to product an orgasm.

7. A prolonged period of chastity is likely to produce a nocturnal emission, which is an event that cannot be consciously controlled by the male. A submissive man recently wrote that he is forbidden by his wife to have a wet dream even though she enforces extended periods of chastity. This seems a little unrealistic to me.

8. Neither physical nor mental stimulation is necessary to produce an erection: an erection can be produced chemically through the use of drugs. The oral drugs such as Viagra are not capable of producing an erection without sexual stimulation. Drugs such as alprostadil is injected directly into the penis, will cause an erection that can remain for several hours without any sexual stimulation whatsoever. Male porn stars who seem to be appear to go on, and on, and on have been known to use similar concoctions.

9. Prolonged physical and/or mental stimulation can cause the release of semen in preparation for discharge via ejaculation; if ejaculation does not follow (as in tease and denial) it can cause a painful condition of the groin or testicles commonly known as "blue balls." Some of this semen or seminal fluid is often later spontaneously released during urination.

10. There is no conclusive medical proof that insufficient draining of seminal fluid from the prostate is likely to cause prostate ill-health.

11. A vasectomy does NOT affect a man's ability to orgasm or ejaculate in any way. It simply eliminates sperm from traveling from the testicles where they are produced, through the Vas Deferens, to mix with seminal fluid before being ejaculated from the body. A vasectomy does not lower the sex drive, shrink the testicles, or cause man-boobs to grow (too much beer does that).

As for why some men are "shooters" when they ejaculate, and some are "dribblers" I have no idea. I do know that the state of arousal seems to affect ejaculatory force. I have also noticed that since I was catheterized while in the hospital, I no longer ejaculate with much force. But oh, "the good feeling" remains delightfully unaffected!

The quantity also seems to have been affected and I have read that this can be caused when some of the seminal fluid leaves the prostate and goes the wrong way in the urethra, traveling up into the bladder rather than down into the penis. Supposedly there is a mechanism, some sort of sphincter or other, that is intended to prevent this under normal circumstances, which makes sense. But it could be that for some, the introduction of a catheter tube can adversely affect this.

How long HAS it been?

2009-10-05T19:09:00.005-04:00

There was a time when if you asked me how long it had been since I last had sex with my wife, I could tell you. Most guys could: maybe not down to the hours, but surely within days. If you asked how long it had been since I'd practiced good ole reliable self-service, I probably would have denied doing it altogether. In my mind however I could have zeroed in pretty close to the number of hours it had been.

The underlying inference here is on frequency. More is better. If you're dating, the more babes you screw, the better. If you're married, the fewer times wifey cops a headache plea and gives it up, the better, right? And whether or not a guy admits to regular masturbation, most men are never too much further than 24 hours away from the good feeling—one way or another.

Female authority in a wife-led marriage puts a totally new spin on this hallmark of maledom. Oh yes, the good feeling is very much still the good feeling. Mother Nature saw to that one. But more is, well, not so necessarily better. In a world where men have traditionally felt good about themselves based on regularity of sex, submissive men are seeming to feel good about.... NOT having sex.

What is up with all these counting timers I am noticing lately on blogs written by submissive men? "It's been 3 weeks, 4 days, 22 hours and 43 minutes since my last orgasm." Okay, so the dominant woman in your life has made you go that long, but do we really need to know how long a time has elapsed since she last allowed you to ejaculate? I am wondering if, when you come right down to it (no pun intended), the longer a submissive man goes without sexual release, the better he feels about himself. Does this carry over into how he feels about himself as a man, or is it limited to how he sees himself as a submissive husband? Or, is it basically a function of wanting to please his dominant partner?

Speaking of feeling good about one's self... or not. I just walked a couple of miles for exercise, which made me feel real good about myself. But now I am pissing myself off by sitting her having a cup of coffee and eating double stuff Oreo cookies. Damnit.

It's been
24 hours and 18 minutes
since I last ate a double stuff Oreo cookie! LOL

Who says submissive men live in fear?

2009-10-03T15:17:00.006-04:00

I read a post on another blog to which I take umbrage. Speaking of submissive men, himself included, the blogger wrote: "Our patriarchal societal construct is unforgiving to those men who dare challenge the masculine archetype and as such, we must constantly live in fear of being perceived as weak or dysfunctional when our own true desire is to support, encourage and empower women as the leading domestic relationship partners."

First off, I am indeed a submissive man to the extent that I enjoy being dominated by the woman I love and who loves me in return. For the most part, I think women are better suited to lead a marriage. At least in our case, this is true. Goddess V has proved it to me on many occasion. Toward that end, I encourage her and have empowered her to make all decisions in our marriage if she so chooses. I often am given the opportunity to voice my opinion, but in the end, I am content to abide by whatever decision she makes.

Having said that, let me make it abundantly clear that I am not deliberately challenging the masculine archetype of a patriarchal society, nor have I adopted a belief that women unilaterally are superior to men simply due to their gender. I have simply learned to act in a manner within my marriage that feels right and that works for us. More importantly, I do not constantly live in fear of being perceived as weak or dysfunctional, by either my wife or by anyone else.

We do not go out of our way to flaunt our FLR or FemDom lifestyle, or crusade for it in any way. Most of our friends and relatives might not know that I submit to Goddess V in a D/s context, but they would surely describe me as being more attentive a husband than most, one who "defers" to his wife with regularity. I might also add that with a few friends, Goddess V has outed me to a point on the scale that is much further on the submission side than it is deference side.

And I experience no fear. None.

This is because I know that as a person or a man, I am neither weak nor dysfunctional. I hate to think that other submissive men out there might feel this way. Whether you are still a submissive wannabe or whether you have confessed your desires to your wife or partner, DO NOT allow yourself... or anyone else... to make you feel weak, inadequate or dysfunctional-IN ANY WAY. We men who have come to terms with our submissive nature understand that, in fact, we are better husbands or partners than most of those masculine archetypes.

Any thoughts from other submissive men? Of course comments by dominant women are always welcome.

Strong Women Part II

2009-09-30T22:06:00.008-04:00

The tomb was discovered in 1903 by archaeologist, Howard Carter, who later would go on to discover King Tut’s tomb. Called KV20 because it was the 20th discovered in the Valley of the Kings (scientists are so unimaginative when it comes to naming their discoveries), the tomb opened at the end of a narrow, curving tunnel that had been chiseled some 700 feet downward into the rock. But when Carter made his way to the entrance of the burial chamber, he found whatever treasurers the tomb might have contained had long ago been looted. And the royal sarcophagus was empty. The mummified body of Hatshepsut was gone.

Hatshepsut reigned as king from about 1479 to 1458 B.C. during the golden age of Egypt's 18th dynasty. When her husband, Thutmose II, passed into the afterlife, leaving her stepson, Thutmose III (he had been born to Hapshepsut's husband by a lesser wife) to rule the land, Hatshepsut assumed a role as pharaoh’s queen because the new king was simply too young to rule. This was not without precedence when young heirs ascended to the throne, but what was unusual is what transpired sooner after.

Hatshepsut maintained appearances for a while, but eventually she could not resist throwing off the guise of governess to assume the absolute power of a full-blown king. She guided Egypt through a period of prosperity and peace, and following suit of pharaohs before and after her, she commissioned hundreds of monuments in her honor. She reigned openly as king, and as such did something no other female before or after dared to do. She adopted all the accouterments of male rule. As a result, many of her monuments depicted her as being male rather than female.

Obviously Hatshepsut possessed the necessary ambition and drive to seize power and maintain it. She was indeed a dominant woman. It’s interesting however, that apparently she came to feel it necessary to assume a masculine persona. Was this necessary to gain acceptance from the people she ruled? What a shame it would be if dominant women in today’s FemDom and wife-led marriages felt this way--and acted and dressed like men in order to gain acceptance in a traditionally patriarchal society.

(I wonder though, if I think about it, is strapping on a dildo all that far removed from Hatshepsut’s actions of old?)

After Hatshepsut's death, Thutmose III ascended as king and set about erasing all record of his stepmother’s reign. He commanded that all the images of her as king be systematically chiseled off temples, monuments, and obelisks. Happily, an obelisk honoring Hatshepsut, and amazingly sculpted from a single block of granite, still soars one hundred feet above the ruins of Karnak. It is the tallest such monument in Egypt.

What of Hatshepsut herself? Her mummy, along side that of her wet nurse, was found in nearby tomb KV60. She had been discovered years before but never identified, known only as mummy KV60a. Apparently ancient priests moved had her mummy to a lesser tomb to thwart attempts to desecrate her remains. Happenstance led to discovery of a wooden box with Hatshepsut’s name on it. And inside that box was a single tooth. When investigators completed MRIs of a number of female mummies, it was discovered that a space left by a missing tooth in the lower jaw of mummy KV60a, perfectly matched up with the tooth from the box. Though the proof is not iron-clad, most are convinced that Hatshepsut had been found. Nearly 3,500 years after her death, her mummy has assumed its rightful place alongside the most royal of rulers of ancient Egypt.

Some of Hatshepsut’s expressions inscribed on her obelisk at Karnak still resonate private worries of a dominant, yet sometimes insecure female king: "Now my heart turns this way and that, as I think what the people will say. Those who see my monuments in years to come, and who shall speak of what I have done." See could never have forseen the likes of yours truly, writing... or the likes of you, reading about what an amazing woman she must have been.

Strong Women Part I

2009-09-26T00:08:00.007-04:00

I don't agree with all of Sarah Palin's politics, in fact lately, I have adopted little more than disdain for politicians in general. But having said that, I can't help but admire Sarah Palin for being a strong, self-assured leader without sacrificing her female sexuality.

I recently read how when asked about the difficulties of balancing her political career with her home life, Palin responded with: “I have a husband. I could have used a wife.”

In talking with women friends about Palin, I am surprised at how many do not like her for various reasons, the least of which often seems to be her politics. But be that as it may, whether one is Palin fan or foe, the point to me is how radically the climate has changed in my 50+ years on Earth regarding roles of the sexes. Forty or so years ago, unless your name was Jackie Kennedy, a woman would never have received such notoriety and attention in the mainstream media. And then, she would be relegated to following in the shadow of a man.

Can you imagine the likes of Jackie Kennedy, or perhaps Eleanor Roosevelt saying they could use a wife instead of a husband? Look out guys, times surely are changing.

A Good Number?

2009-09-18T20:46:00.005-04:00

One is the loneliest number if you’re Three Dog Night. Twelve makes an even dozen… awww, throw in another one for good measure. Sixteen ounces sounds about right for a pound. Same goes for a pint, except of course we’re dealing with different kind of ounces. And TEN, well, ten is a good number of orgasms to have in a year---or so says one of the readers of this blog.

This begs the question:
How many orgasms should a submissive man be allowed to experience in a year’s time?

You won’t get far into discussions about female-led relationships without learning that probably the premiere FLR dynamic is Orgasm Management. In a nutshell, the lady controls her man’s sexual release. She decides when and often even how he has an orgasm. Essentially, the thinking is that a man’s level of attentiveness to a woman is directly proportional to his level of horniness. In conjunction, the level of a man's horniness is directly proportional to the amount of time that has elapsed since his last orgasm.The hornier he is, the more attentive he becomes as a way of earning her permission to have an orgasm.

Alas, as many a woman will attest, once he experiences a Big-O, he regresses into a lazy, remote control hogging couch potato (or thereabouts) that he was before adopting this lifestyle. As a collerary to the orgasm management dynamic in a wife-led marriage, hubby pledges not to pleasure himself, especially to the point of ejaculation. Essentially, hubby remains chaste. There is a running debate in this lifestyle regarding how to ensure the male’s chastity. Some say the honor system should be sufficient if the husband seriously wishes to submit to his wife. Others prefer to rely on a chastity device to provide that extra incentive to help hubby over those times of temptation that invariably pop up from time to time.

A member of the She Makes the Rules forum, who shares a FLR with his wife of 25 years, recently wrote, “…chastity gradually brought us closer together and led to some unexpected results that were very positive. One result was that I absolutely love being locked in my chastity with [my wife] being my key holder.”

So far, it would seem that his orgasm management is more about him than her, but he goes on to say, “I enjoy the concept of her having total control over when and if I am allowed to be released from the device. So far the longest stretch I have remained locked in it has been 5 weeks. The time I remain locked leads me to make other improvements within myself to cater to her in other ways as well. I've been spending more time doing more around the house, and I also have more concern over what she needs both mentally and physically.”

This gentleman is not alone in his thinking. Most submissive men, if being honest, will admit they want a woman to control their sexuality. And the more control a woman exerts, especially if she teases and denies, the more a man wants it—which means the more attentive he will be to her. In the vernacular of the day, that makes for a win/win situation for both wife and husband.

But back to that original question:

How many orgasms should a submissive man reasonably be permitted to enjoy during the course of an average year?

The gift of autonomy in a wife-led marriage

2009-08-29T13:50:00.004-04:00

I said this early on when I started this blog, but it bears repeating. There is no set of rules or guidelines for a wife-led marriage or FemDom marriage. This dynamic, lifestyle, or however one cares to refers to it, can include or exclude anything the husband and wife decide on.

Ummm, I take that back. Gentlemen, your wife-led marriage, your FemDom relationship should include whatever your wife decides to include. No more. No less. Sorry, guys, by definition, that’s the way a female-led relationship shakes out. There's a very popular FLR forum called She Makes the Rules. The female moderators who own and run that show chose the SMTR name for a darn good reason. In a wife-led marriage, or any female-led relationship, the female gets to make the rules... ALL OF THE RULES.

This infers that the wife controls and is responsible for everything in the relationship. Not so. What it really means is that she has autonomy, and autonomy is something entirely different from control. When a man gives his woman the gift of autonomy, it allows her to be truly free from control, specifically, as this relates to influence from him. He forfeits the right to get pissy when he suggests,“Honey, you should probably wear stilettos, and maybe some leather.”——and she responds with, "I don't think so!" When a woman wears autonomy in her relationship, it allows her the freedom to assign her own interpretation of what’s significant and what’s not, with the end result focused not on those stilettos and leather that hubby wants, but rather, on shaping the relationship into one that is more rewarding, more enjoyable and more personally fulfilling for her.

Sounds simple, right? It isn't. Largely this is due to preconceived notions on what male submission to loving female authority and dominance is all about. Apart from the kink aspects that seems to be automatically associated with the FemDom lifestyle, people pretty much think of dominant women as nasty bitches and of submissive men as wimpy doormats. Is it any wonder the typical woman resists adopting this lifestyle? I could be old-fashioned, but in my opinion, women do not generally want to be see as being nasty bitches (although Goddess V will tell you that is oft times what they are). I read somewhere something written by a dominant woman who said that women want control, they just don’t want to be seen as wanting it. Maybe so, I don’t know. But I do know that women do not want a wimpy doormat for a husband or partner.

Making matters worse, inept communicators as they often are, men have difficulty explaining the true nature of the vision as we see it. Because it truly does include so much more than stilettos and leather. I’ll go out on a limb and say: If men were as proficient and courageous as women at communicating their deepest, inner most feelings, the vast majority of relationships would be female-led to the extent that the women would overtly and shamelessly dominant their men.

FemDom by any other name

2009-08-21T11:15:00.006-04:00

I got to thinking it might be a good idea to restate what may (or may not) seem to some to be the obvious. Quite a few terms are bandied about when it comes to this particular mindset or lifestyle. Below I've listed some of the ones I’ve seen, and I’m sure there are more. In my mind, they all pretty much mean the same thing: the male submits to the authority of a dominant female. Our blog is about this dynamic taking place in a marriage; thus, I would fine tune it by saying “male submission to a loving, dominant female”

Unfortunately all marriages do not necessarily include the L-word. Ours however includes lots of it, so that descriptor works for us quite well. For me, the love element, more so than any other aspect of this lifestyle, is most important. There are some men for whom the need to be dominated by a woman is so strong, that if for one reason or another this need is not satisfied by the wife, they will seek it outside the marriage. I’m not one of those guys.

Female Authority
Loving Female Authority
Caring Female Authority
FemDom
Female Domination
Female-Led Relationship
Wife-Led Relationship
Wife-Led Marriage

I suspect the term people shy away from more than any other is the term FemDom, which is shorthand for female domination. Undoubtedly this is because it conjures up images of a leather-clad, whip-wielding dominatrix doing all sorts of humiliating things to her male submissive. The nasty D-word is the culprit. By definition, the word is threatening. If you take the word out of the equation, things begin to take on a decidedly less threatening shade of blue… or is that black/blue. In fact, since women seem to have a way of ending up controlling most marriages, descriptors such as “Female-Led Relationship” begin to sound downright mainstream.

My advice is not to get too hung up on the terms themselves. Goddess V does not dress up in leather and whip me senseless until I’m reduced to a quivering mass of humiliated pond scum. Yet I have no problem referring to our relationship as one that is FemDom based. After all, Goddess V is a female and she does assume a dominant role to which I submit. Bingo. Whatever else our relationship may or may not include, the term FemDom is perfectly appropriate.

Whoa, who knew...

2009-08-12T22:32:00.002-04:00

… it would be an entire year between posts on this blog. Actually, after several months had passed without posting, I began to pretty much assume I would let this blog fade into oblivion. I simply didn’t feel as though I had much of anything worthwhile to impart. You know how it goes, you find yourself repeating things you had said in the past, almost like a senior citizen recounts ad nauseam events that happened 40 years ago. THAT can get old real fast.

The other day I went through my bookmarked blogs and was surprised (but not really) to find that half of them had been deleted. Hell, even Emily and Ken at AHF are having a tough go of it keeping their monthly Q/A letters current. Never fear though, over at Yes, I’m a Submissive Man, John is still posting prolifically (and still longing to be collared and Queened—no offense, John).

Then I logged in here on our blog and truly WAS surprised. We still average nearly 190 unique visitors per day. If I can believe StatCounter, just this week there have been 1,400 unique visitors and 1,200 first-time visitors. And to date this year, there have been over 70,000 page loads. Holy crap! Seems there are a great many more people interested in this lifestyle than one might initially guess.

Goddess V and I discussed this and she “suggested” that I continue to post. That was easy for her to say since I’m the one who must make it so. Never mind that I’m both the writer and the submissive in our relationship. Of course it makes even more sense when I consider the original intent for maintaining this blog was mainly to encourage and legitimize interest in Female-Led Relationships, Loving Female Authority and FemDom in general.

So considering the continued interest in this lifestyle, I’ll attempt to pick up where I left off over one year ago. I’ll share some of the challenges we face in keeping our FemDom relationship alive in the face of real life, because life insists on intervening, not just on ya’ll but on Goddess V and me as well. I’ll also share thoughts on some new directions we are considering, as well as how and why we are increasingly less concerned with how others may see us and more intent on living a lifestyle that works for us.

The normalcy of abnormality

2008-07-25T12:34:00.007-04:00

The July-August 2008 issue of Psychology Today featured this provocative cover, along with an article from which I’ve include a few excerpts.

A man trolls through web sites, searching for someone to fulfill his fantasy. Waves of anticipation alternate with a nagging fear that he will be exposed as a freak, a pervert as being abnormal.

What would his friends and family think of him if they knew his secret goal in life was to marry and kneel and kiss, and even lick, the feet of a dominant woman? What if they could read the thoughts lurking inside his mind, dark thoughts of being locked in a chastity device or turned bare-ass over his wife's knee for misbehaving in a manner that displeased her.

According to this Psych Today article, Feelings or habits... that are out of the ordinary can cause anguish to those who can't understand—and don't appreciate—their own outré tendencies. Of course some people are proud to be twisted, and even cultivate strangeness, but why do many others obsess over not being normal?

Says Dustin Wood, an assistant professor of psychology at Wake Forest University in North Carolina, "Normality is the barometer people use to figure out if they're acting the way they should be."

It turns out that Wood supposedly has made the ‘surprising’ discovery that being normal is actually extraordinary… or, umm, abnormal. He says that normal is comprised of an unusual combination of specific traits that all have to do with being extra likable. People who see themselves as most normal (and are seen that way by others) are much less neurotic than the average person, uncommonly easy to get along with, unusually respectful of propriety, and highly responsible.

But alas, normal people may be nicer than average, but they also have character traits that aren't universally appealing. According to Wood, they're not adventurous. They're not above average in intelligence, nor are they outgoing. Truth be told, a lot of our best qualities are unusual, or--you guessed it--ABNORMAL.

Now if you’re anything like me, right about now you’re shaking your head and saying to yourself, “What the hell?” This is probably exactly why the editor of Psych Today decided they needed to punch up newsstand appeal by splashing a dominatrix on the cover. Give readers a spicy graphic and teaser headline and maybe they’ll be too stupid to ask intelligent questions.

Journalism like this makes we want to not read much of anything being cranked out by the mainstream media these days. So much of it amounts to being nothing more than a pile of crap, as evidenced by the whip-wielding babe in the dominatrix outfit. Obviously the emphasis here is on selling newsstand copies versus meaningful reporting that might actually help a reader.

What some of us really want is insight allowing us to accurately access whether or not VeezKnight and Goddess V are twisted wackos for creating this blog? Or whether or not YOU are a pee in the same pod for reading it? Or whether or not those of us in or seeking FemDom relationships are hopelessly too far outside of acceptable mainstream behavior. Or whether or not maybe, just maybe we are on the cusp of a dramatic change in our society from patriarchy to matriarchy?

I wonder: does it really matter? If we are to glean anything at all from the lackluster PT article, it’s the fact that normalcy is apparently a less than abundant commodity in our society. Who’da thunk it! Moreover, in some learned camps, being normal is consider to be, in a word--BORING.

So who the hell cares? Besides, even if you do lust over being whipped by a powerful dominatrix, I’m thinking that maybe, just maybe you aren’t so out-of-the-ordinary. Check out the website of Mini Cooper of Canada. It features a PVC clad domme wielding a whip, flogger, paddle and feather tickler. Oh yeah, she’s supposed to be selling Mini Coopers… but is she really? As the Canadians say, ya gotta give your head a shake.

Check it out
http://www.neverinneutral.com/dominatrix/subpage.html

One picture is worth a thousand words

2008-07-14T14:30:00.003-04:00

This photo apparently is currently circulating throughout email land, and was forwarded to me this morning by a married friend who, while being an "in-charge" kinda guy, has been happily married long enough to know who REALLY leads the relationship. The subject line of the email read: A man's life summed up in one photo!! I got a good laugh when I opened the email and saw the picture. Indeed, it does pretty much say it all. The interesting thing is that most men will look at this picture and smile and pass the email on to a buddy. That's because most guys in their heart of hearts know this to be true. A submissive man knows better than most that it is through our own sexuality that women have the ultimate power to control us. The hell of it is, this is not something that men voluntarily give to women. It was wired into us by Mother Nature, so there must be a damn good reason for it—don't ya think?

She Makes the Rules

2008-06-01T20:04:00.009-04:00

In case you're not aware, the Venus On Top Yahoo forum I've mentioned here in the past is no longer functional. But that's not bad news because it's been replaced by a brand new free website that is only a few weeks old and already has 1000+ members. Called She Makes the Rules, it's run by the same moderators who were in charge of VOT. Barbara Wright Abernathy, who founded VOT, is supportive but no longer directly involved. The purpose of the site is to provide a non-threatening introduction to female-led relationships and loving female authority. Toward that end, the moderators do not allow any posts or photos that are too over the top. However, they allow far more latitude regarding some of the kinkier issues often associated with female domination than was ever the case with VOT.

Unfortunately, it's looking more and more as if Around Her Finger has gone into cyber limbo. The Addison's website hasn't changed in years, and now the blog on which they faithfully posted new letters each and every month, has remained static since April. Not a good sign. So if you are in the process of adopting an FLR, or are looking for a non-threatening venue to help introduce the lifestyle to your spouse, She Makes the Rules is now just about the only game in town. Becoming an SMTR member is a must.

So check it out. You'll find discussions on all sorts of topics and you can create your own forum topic as well. And if you are single, there's a section in which you can place a personal ad to help you meet a dominant or submissive partner. I've added a link in the Additional Resources section at right.

Update June 12th:
Happily, the Around Her Finger Q/A blog run by Ken & Emily Addison is still in operation. The link is listed at right.

Update June 28th
She Makes the Rules has now been up for 8 weeks and already has 1500 members. Of course you always have your share of lurkers and those who join but never return, but so far discussions on this forum are first-rate. It's obvious the moderators are spending an enormous amount of time ensuring SMTR is both a success and non-threatening as possible to new-comers. If you are interested enough in Loving Female Authority to be reading this blog, then you really should be a member of SMTR.

Internet nonsense

2008-04-21T14:42:00.006-04:00

I am constantly amazed at the nonsense one can find on the Internet, some of it posted by seemingly well-meaning people. Consider this recent post in a forum about disciplinary wives:

“I don't think it takes a rocket scientist to understand a man with a small penis might be more submissive than a man with a normal or large penise. As society and/or human nature views anything to do with ‘normal’, the penis is rather significant. Many men with this problem consider themselves inadequate and as such, submission to women is almost necessary for a marriage or relationship, to work.”

The fellow concluded by saying:

“There are usually reasons for smaller than a normal size [penis]. In my case, I was born 2 months premature in 1939. I missed the lineup for sexual organs and brains, and to be truthful, should never have married.”

No offense to the guy who wrote the post, but when I got to that last sentence, I couldn’t help but think …missed the lineup for brains? You can say THAT again! Does this mean that all submissive men are sub-standard in the endowment area? Is this what makes a man submissive—or not? What about a guy who is "cursed" with a big schlong? Would he physically be incapable of making an acceptable submissive? Maybe when pigs fly.

Over on another Loving Female Authority blog, a dominant friend of ours recently wrote about how submissive men routinely ask her if she enjoys humiliating men. Knowing that some submissive men want dominant women to make fun of their penises, telling them they are too small to be worthy or respect, she made it clear she has nothing but respect for a man who is submissive and gives himself up to her.

She said she sees no reason (and Goddess V and I concur) why a dominate woman must belittle the man who submits to her. While it's true that for many submissive men, a certain amount of humiliation in a relationship is welcome, there is nothing written in stone of which I am aware that says humiliation is required in a female-led relationship.

So way to go to those submissive guys who think they need to be treated as lowly worms for having tiny tools that couldn’t possible satisfy a woman. We men already take heat for thinking with the wrong heard… you know, the ‘little’ head that holds a brain far smaller then the ‘big’ head. With talk like this, you’re gonna create the impression that our already impaired thinking capacity is diminished even further among submissive men due to having small ‘little’ heads.

Here’s another hot one. The same dominant woman mentioned in her blog how she got an email from a guy asking her if she would like to cut off a man’s testicles and penis.

Can you imagine? Are there men out there who actually desire this? Or are they concerned that a dominant woman would actually want to do this to her man?

I had to chuckle at this one, not because it was so outlandish as to be absurd, but because it put me in mind of a time some years ago. Goddess V and I were out having fun with another couple when the subject turned to “pussy-whipped” husbands. The other husband and I joked about how when a guy gets married, the wife pretty takes control of this balls to the point where the guy has to ask something like, “Hey honey, can I wear my balls tonight?”

A few weeks later as a gag gift, since both of us had agreed we were no longer in possession of our family jewels, the same guy presented me with a set of truck testicles. This happened about the time Goddess V and I were talking about adopting a FemDom relationship. Before the evening was over, she had taken possession of my replacement balls and tucked them away in her purse for safe keeping. Goddess V usually carries a large purse—perhaps in case she encounters a large set of balls she needs to take control of—LOL.

No matter. I didn’t mind Goddess V taking away my testicles. I can assure you however, this was the closest we have ever come to anything remotely concerning castration.

The length (and girth?) of penetration

2008-04-04T11:29:00.003-04:00

Across the Internet a friend recently wrote on her blog about “the length of sex”. I added a comment to that post and in so doing I thought I’d like to say a bit more. My own title here admittedly is misleading because I’ve deliberately alluded to what could be considered a corollary issue. My friend’s original post dealt only with duration of sex: specifically, an Australian study reporting common duration of sex (and I assume, penetration) to be between 3 and 13 minutes. That led to discussion and comments speculating as to whether or not prolonged penetration is truly preferable, and if not, why we as a culture might be predisposed to think that it is.

As a male I certainly can’t profess to be an expert on how women feel about penetration, but I’d hazard a guess that more men than women consider prolonged periods of penetration to be desirable if not necessary to truly satisfy a woman. I suspect the pornography industry is the culprit here. Male studs in these movies go and go and go before they, ah, cum. If they didn’t go the full distance during the original shoot (sorry, couldn’t resist), video can be edited in such a way as to give the impression that they did. I’ve watched some of those guys have at it and couldn’t help but think to myself, “Damn, he’s the man.” And what of the sex kittens on the business end of the impressive length and girth these studs always seem to wield? Not a whole lot of purring going on as far as kittens go, but if one can judge pleasure by the number of times they shout, “Oh yeah, oh yeah,” I’m guessing they love every exhausting minute.

Men need to get over their bad selves. I mean, where do guys get the idea that great sex… good sex… ANY kind of sex needs to revolve around that little guy between their legs. Yeah, I said little—compared to an eight pound baby (and I’ve popped out four of them), ALL cocks are little. Here’s another thought that might prick a few over inflated egos! Since VK and I went FemDom, we’ve had less intercourse—a lot less—and I’m having more powerful orgasms than ever. ☺ Intercourse, of any duration, no longer defines how we have sex. It can still be one of the ingredients, but when it is, it’s never the main event the way it used to be. You might say that I have reduced Vk’s penis to playing a less prominent role in our sexual activities.

Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against sexual intercourse. I think most women would admit there are times when a woman just wants a good, hard fuck. But I also think that’s more the exception than the rule. So apart from that, I like intercourse not so much for physical pleasure and more for the emotional connection it provides between two people who love each other. The fact of the matter is I never got off all that well during intercourse anyway—not nearly like I do in other ways. It always seemed to me that intercourse somehow benefited the man more than the woman anyway. I gave up too many mercy fucks in my twenties and thirties because I allowed a man to make me feel guilty if I denied him. It was easier just to spread my legs. I doubt there’s a wife on the planet who hasn’t made a grocery list in her head while hubby humped away. Oh how the rules have changed!

International Women’s Day

2008-03-07T18:42:00.003-05:00

A global day of celebration, March 8th is a day on which thousands of events are held throughout the world connecting all women around the world to recognize their accomplishments and to inspire them to achieve their full potential. IWD is certainly a good thing, but I think it’s interesting that while the world sets aside a meager one day each year to celebrate the glory of being a women, those of us fortunate to be in wife-led marriages and female-led relationships celebrate it every day of the year.

Tintinnabulation, chocolate chip cookies and other creative ways to discipline your man

2008-02-22T20:52:00.012-05:00

This dominant matriarch went from baking chocolate chip cookies with the grandkids to ordering grand pop to worship her gnarly feet before she thumps his ass with the same wooden spoon she used to mix the cookie batter. I’m thinking: this ain’t your average submissive man’s fantasy when it comes to domestic discipline. Submissive men tend to have ideas in their heads, often artfully constructed ideas, governing how they see themselves being controlled and disciplined. Reality however, usually plays out differently.

Over in the VOT Forum they’ve been sharing real-world methods that some of the dominant women members use to enforce and maintain control over their submissive men. There’s definitely spanking going on in many of the wife-led households, but it’s often cited that the challenge with this is a submissive man often enjoys being spanked. So what’s the point of using spanking as discipline? Ditto for other forms of discipline and enforcement. And no, the lady pictured in the photo is not Goddess V. She just happens to be wearing pink pumps that look very similar to Goddess V's. Apparently both dominant ladies were attracted to the same shoes. Imagine that.

Fantasies aside, it comes down to finding practical disciplinary procedures and other effective methods for a dominant woman to send her man the message that She is in charge. VOT ladies have suggested that if a man enjoys being spanked, a better way to discipline is not to give a spanking but to withhold it. I guess you could say the rule of thumb here is to find something he likes and take it away: a favorite TV show, the Internet, etc… Other methods they use include “parking” their man, (having him stay in one place without moving); corner time (with or without the stool and the dunce cap); holding a coin against a wall with his nose; sleeping on the floor; not allowing their man to worship them in whatever ways they normally enjoy. The list goes on, with the emphasis on being creative and variation of the enforcement methods.

People are apt to consider discipline and punishment as being the same thing, so I think it important to draw a distinction between the two. Discipline is an on-going regiment meant to achieve and maintain a certain behavior. In this case of course the desired behavior is the male’s submission to the female’s authority. As such, discipline may include a reminder of consequences if the desired regiment is not maintained. Punishment on the other hand IS the consequence that is incurred when the desired regiment is not maintained.

I personally have come to believe that domestic discipline is a necessary part of a wife-led marriage. I won’t speak for all submissive men (you guys can chime in if you like), but speaking strictly for myself, I feel as if I need a routine of discipline. Sometimes more so than others. Sometimes more than what Goddess V subjects me to. You can keep the dog crate for use with Fido, but I do happen to like being spanked. But wait. Let me back up a little. I like the IDEA of being spanked. I suppose it has to do with the feeling of vulnerability and humiliation of being turned over a woman’s knee. Yes, it also has an erotic nature to it, especially when the spanking leads to play time. But make no mistake: not being a masochist, I do not enjoy the pain. So at least on a conscious level, I can’t say I ever deliberately misbehave just to receive a spanking.

So how about a few more imaginative ways to discipline or punish a problem sub hub. Hey, how about putting a lock on the cookie jar instead of you-know-what? No more homemade chocolate chip cookies! Or how about having hubby clean house au natural with a couple of bells tied to his tallywhacker while he recites Edgar Allen Poe:
…the swinging and the ringing… the jingling and the tinkling… the tintinnabulation that so musically wells from the bells, bells, bells, bells, bells, bells, bells…

Incidentally, this photo shown is of an actual wind chime that was excavated from the ruins of Pompeii. Residents of that ancient city surely must have been a fun loving lot.

GoddessV got a new pair of shoes

2008-02-18T14:11:00.005-05:00

But that’s really only a small part of a story that begins a few years ago when we first visited a small restaurant and cocktail lounge not far from where we live. Inside we met a friendly staff and a clientele that was mostly in our age bracket. The atmosphere was pleasant, the food was very good and the prices were reasonable. Later in the evening we slow danced to songs we requested from a husband/wife singing duo who entertained on the weekends. We were hooked.

Friday evenings at this establishment became a weekly routine for us. It was a date night so to speak that took us off the beaten path and away from our normal circle of friends. We got to know the manager, the bar tenders, the entertainers and many of the couples who also frequented the place. But we were still able to stay to ourselves and talk just to each other if that’s what we wanted. We could mingle with other couples when we wanted. We slow danced when we wanted, mostly with each other, but sometimes with others. Goddess V sometimes put on a show when the entertainers sang “Tequila Maker Her Clothes Come Off.” Friday nights were an outing we looked forward to each week. Then it all changed.

Management objectives changed in order to attract a younger crowd. The manager of the establishment was fired. Much of the staff left. Beer signs appeared on the walls. The dance floor was mostly covered with video machines. The singers were fired and replaced with young, loud bands. Goddess V and I soon stopped frequenting the place, and so did nearly all of the people we’d gotten to know there. For about a year and a half we lamented over what had happened and wished we could find another similar place were we could talk and dance and generally reconnect at the end of each week. We never found such a place. And then a minor miracle occurred.

This past Friday night found us back in our old stomping grounds. Quite unexpectedly. The singers were back. A friend or ours had been hired as the new manager. Many of the people we’d gotten to know turned out to kick off what we hope will be a return to what we all enjoyed so well. It was like old times. We ate, we drank, we talked, we laughed, we danced to some of our favorite songs. It was all so comfortable and familiar it felt as if we’d come back home.

For about five hours we were much more than a domme and her submissive. Of course that is what we are, but apart from our D/s relationship, we were a middle-aged married couple who enjoy each other’s company enough to be able to have fun together and be happy. And the fact that Goddess V was wearing a new pair of hot pink pumps certainly didn’t mar the evening. They did not go unnoticed by several of the men.

A V-day rant

2008-02-15T11:19:00.005-05:00

Every week on my way back into town I stop and buy Goddess V a dozen roses. I used to get them from a florist, but now I get them from, of all places, a grocery store. Actually it's much more than a grocery store. They typically have at least 20 or 30 dozen in all colors to choose from. The price? A very affordable $9.99 plus 6% tax bringing the total to $10.59. And they are so fresh they normally last a week, sometimes 2 weeks, depending on the color and length of the stems.

Yesterday I stopped as part of my homecoming ritual only to find the price had jumped to $39.99. Simply because it was Valentine's Day. Goddess V and I had anticipated this would happen (thanks to good ole American capitalism), and she had told me to skip the flowers if the price was higher. And I did. I don't need an overly commercialized "holiday" as a reason to buy my wife flowers, or give her a greeting card. We give each other cards all the time. And sometimes, I create my own. Next week the roses will be back to their normal price and I will go back to my normal routine. I should probably add that I don't bring Goddess V flowers every week because I am her submissive. I did this before I'd even knew about wife-led marriage. Hmmm, maybe that was a clue.

Back in the saddle... err... cage again

2008-02-08T14:37:00.000-05:00

Last Monday evening VK and I spent some time in our hot tub after dinner. Afterward, as usual, I left my wet towel laying on the floor of our bedroom, expecting him to take care of it—which he did. Then I went into our living room to watch some TV and do a crossword puzzle while VK stayed in our bedroom to fold two baskets of laundry he had done earlier. He was getting up at 4 am the following morning to go out of town, so when he finished the laundry he came into the living room to kiss me good-night. Standing in front of me he discretely pulled open the fly of his flannel lounging pants to reveal he had put on his CB3000. VK had run the hasp of the lock through the locking pin to temporarily hold everything together, but he hadn’t closed it. “Care to do the honors?” he asked.

It had been since last March that I’d worn my CD due to a series of health issues and surgeries. We hadn’t been using the device 24/7, but we were beginning to use it more regularly when my health issues came along. I’d had the CB3000 on again for the first time a couple of weeks ago, for five days as I recall, but had to remove it because it was chaffing too badly. I figured I’d give it another shot to see what happened.

Last Spring when Goddess V and I were talking about chastity, she said she didn’t want the chastity device thing to become a chore for her to concern herself with. She said while there would be times when she would instruct me to put my CD on, she saw no reason why I couldn’t take the lead on using it. For instance, when I was going out of town (knowing she likes it when I'm locked up), I should take it upon myself to put on the device without being instructed to do so, then simply ask her to install the lock. It felt a little awkward to me, almost as if I were topping from the bottom, but since Goddess V had suggested we handle it this way, that’s what I did. I also had to wait until the kids were upstairs so they couldn't see what was going on. I suppose it might have been nicer to have a more formal "locking ceremony", but as it was, she was pleasantly surprised, smiled at me and said, "Ewww, I LIKE it." Confirmation that the woman I worship was pleased made all the difference. I went to bed feeling good about the lock on my cock being a symbol of my submission to her.

Some dominant wives might think this is a lax way to deal with a husband’s chastity. I know that some favor the use of devices and some don’t. I’m kind of in the middle. I trust VK enough that I don’t feel as though we must use the CB3000 all the time. On the other hand, I kinda like seeing him locked up. It’s that hardware thing I’ve got going on. Those who do use a CD probably take a more hands-on approach than I do with VK. But truth be told, for me to constantly enforce my husband’s chastity with a device is a chore I don’t particularly what to be burdened with. I figure, why can’t it be like the laundry? VK knows it’s his job to do it without me telling him to. So why can’t he also lock himself up without being told.

A dominant woman I know wrote on her blog, “I think that orgasm control is a main tenet of a female led relationship. In the FLRs that I am aware of, almost every one that is successful includes orgasm control in some way. Some use the honor method and some use chastity devices. Personally, I am a fan of the chastity device concept. I don't trust a man not to cheat, and also I think that the device encourages the behavior that I expect from a man. Most submissive men I know both desire and fear this until they use one. And most I have talked to who have used them for a while wouldn't give them up.”

24/7 chastity is an intriguing idea—and I’m not saying this isn’t something I won’t decide I want in the future. My D/s experience is limited to my FLR with VeezKnight, but from what I’ve experience with him, I agree. I’m seeing there’s a lot to be said for enforced male chastity. One way or another, the more absolute a woman’s control over her husband’s orgasms the better… and I’m finding that the sub hub likes it as well. That's VK in the photo above, wearing boxers he designed and gave to me this Christmas. So what's that tell you? :)

This month on Around Her Finger, even Emily Addison, who is careful to steer clear of what some might consider to be kinkier sides of wife-led marriage advised a reader, “Take whatever measures are necessary to make certain he is not cheating on your orgasm management.” Even without her adding the bold typeface, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that she is really saying, even if you have to put a lock on that thing, make sure he isn’t taking care of himself on his own. When I’m out and about and wearing my CB3000, I constantly wonder how man other men are wearing a CD. Certainly not many, but that number may be increasing faster than we know as wives get wise to the many benefits of wife-led marriage.

The sign says it

2008-02-04T16:50:00.001-05:00

This past Friday night I screwed up. I should have known better—and I DO know better. I guess you could say I just wasn’t thinking, even though at some level I knew damn well I was heading in the wrong direction at the time.

Goddess V had tried during the day on Friday to assemble a few couples to our home for drinks and parlor games that evening. Admittedly it was a last-minute deal and as it happened, she couldn’t connect with anyone. So we ended up going to our local watering hole for some dinner and a few drinks. Early on in the evening, two couples who Goddess V had tried to connect with walked in. They simply hadn’t gotten the messages Goddess V had left. Eventually the three ladies decided we’d leave the bar and go back to our house to play Pictionary.

One of the husbands didn’t really want to do that, and said so. This is where I screwed up. I sided more with my male friend who didn’t want to play Pictionary than I did with Goddess V, who of course DID want to play. Amongst the six of us it became one of those back-and-forth, we’re-going-we’re-not-going things. We ended up not going to our house, and the evening ended early with Goddess V paying our check and announcing she was leaving. Since she had the car keys, I had to make hasty good-byes to everyone in the bar to avoid having to walk home.

We didn’t talk during the 5-minute ride home and once inside we went to separate rooms. We ended up sleeping apart that night. The next morning about all we said to each other was, “good morning.” There was a point in our earlier relationship when this riff would have gone on, perhaps all weekend—or longer. This had been a huge problem in our earlier years together. Largely, I was the culprit, I guess because for some ridiculous reason, I found it easier to let silence and ill feelings prevail rather than to get into a confrontation--or worse--an admission of guilt.

Adopting a wife-led marriage has changed this in how we relate to each other, or rather, it’s helping to change this by making it easier for me to kiss up when I screw up. This has gone a long way toward directing us to a happier place. During the course of Saturday morning I went into the living room, knelt beside Goddess V and kissed her bare feet. I said that I was sorry for the way the night had gone. Then I beat a hasty retreat to the basement to work on a home improvement project. (Okay, so what if I'm afraid of her when she is angry at me.) Eventually she came downstairs twice to speak her mind. The first time she came down to say I should have supported her better despite what I or any of my friends wanted. This of course I already knew full-well.

The second time she came down she informed me that in her opinion, I too often assumed the submissive role in our marriage only when it was completely convenient for me. I knew she was right about this too and had been thinking about this all morning. She also told me that she had wanted to spank me but hadn’t because she was so angry she had been afraid she would have ended up hurting me. Hearing this, I wished she’d brought out the paddle anyway. It would have made it easier to atone for my screw up, and a few minutes of physical pain would have been easier to take than hours of thinking about, knowing and dwelling on how wrong I had been.

We face many moments in our lives when we must make decisions, to take or not to take certain actions. Often our choice seems inconsequential in the scheme of things, but another way of looking at it is to say we face a series of crossroads that collectively define in which direct our life travels. Goddess V and I faced a major crossroad when we decided to adopt an FLR. But with the weekend’s events, I am reminded that was not the only crossroad we will face in this lifestyle. Saying I want to be part of a FemDom marriage, and being submissive most of the time isn’t enough. Not for her. Not for me. I’m thinking that in order for Goddess V to fully embrace and wield her authority over me, she must know that she can absolutely depend on my respect for and submission to her authority—ALL of the time, not just when it’s convenient for me.

I feel bad in that this weekend I not only made Goddess V angry, I also let her down. But I do feel good in that at least I see where I went wrong and will make an effort to better live up to my half of our agreement. I don't wanna veer left or right simply because that direction seems to be more convenient for me. Straight ahead is where my true happiness lies.

A slave to the dollar

2008-01-25T09:05:00.001-05:00

Going forward, if this blog is to be of better use to readers, I think it would be beneficial to place less emphasis on the theory of Loving Female Authority, and more emphasis on personal, real-world application of the lifestyle. Namely, that of yours truly. There is no shortage of sources outlining the ABCs of LFA, and while this is helpful from a purely informational standpoint, a pitfall is that one may be led into thinking, “This is how a real FLR should be. I should be doing all the housework,” or, “She should be handling all the finances.” This is where a look at how Goddess V and I work together in our marriage may hopefully create some balance. Its not meant to be a recipe for the perfect FemDom marriage, but merely a glimpse at how we interact as domme and submissive, and a few snapshots illustrating some of what we’ve learned thus far in our D/s relationship.

Across cyber space in the Venus on Top group, one of the male members counseled a fellow submissive that he should unequivocally relinquish all personal wealth as well as responsibility for finances to his mistress. He was probably parroting something he’d read on one FemDom site or another, that only then could a man know the peace of a “true” FLR. In response to this advice, QueenBee Debbie, a female moderator of this group, angrily aimed her stinger at this notion. I recall thinking to myself when I first read the man’s post, that some men seem to have an amazingly myopic view of what should comprise “proper behavior” of a submissive male. It did my heart good to read that a dominant woman agreed.

We’ve all read about the submissive male who either does not work or has direct deposit into an account to which he has no access. Furthermore, all possessions, house, cars, investments, even the toaster and lawnmower are in his lady’s name. He gets only a meager allowance that she determines. Being a total financial slave may be a noble notion, even romantic to some submissive men. But in reality, its downright impractical if not imbecilic. I won’t bother with running down the many, many reasons for this. If you can’t pull at least a half a dozen from your gray matter on your own, then you’re not likely to be convinced of this anyway. I suspect I’ll incur the wrath of a few “true” male subs when I say that I’d guess there are about as many real-world submissive men who actually practice total financial servitude as who eat dinner from a dog dish and sleep in a cage at the foot of the bed.

Having said all that, now I’ll tell you that Goddess V controls most of the money in our relationship. LOL. We both work fulltime. I would have no problem staying at home to keep house, but I earn more than twice what she earns. My pay is deposited directly into joint checking and savings accounts from which Goddess V pays all the bills electronically and sets aside what she can for our future (which she will tell you is getting harder and harder these days with the escalating cost of living). I get a weekly allowance that often allows me to stash away ten or twenty bucks for a rainy day. That rainy day typically comes round nearly every few weeks when for one of a thousand reasons, money for the week is tighter than usual. We operate on a cash basis as much as possible, but we both carry plastic. I may not use my credit cards or my debit card unless I check with Goddess V.

We eat out more than we should and when we do, Goddess V nearly always pays the check. (She often orders for me as well.) In fact, when we do anything that costs money, she normally pays. We usually discuss large purchases, but I must tell you that she arranged the last two large buys which were both automobiles. One of them is in my name, the other is in both names because it meant getting a better interest rate versus putting it in just hers. Goddess V arranged the refi on our home last year, and added my name to the deed in the process. She also made all of the vacation arrangements and took care of associated expenses, but after I researched and recommended the resort. When it comes to home decorating and remodeling, I pretty much have carte blanche, provided I listen to her ideas first, then put my creative spin on her vision.

Regardless of our respective dominant and submissive roles, it’s a toss up as to which of us is best suited to handle the finances in our marriage. Both of us are reasonably intelligent and have a healthy respect for what a dollar can and cannot buy. But neither of us is overly smart with money either. Were that true, we wouldn’t still be working at this stage of our lives. Money is nearly always an issue in one way or another. As with many marriages, vanilla or otherwise, if we are going to argue about something, it will typically be about… you guessed it. I get more cranked up over it than she. Though dominant and submissive, we are no different than the majority of working people: there never seems to be quite enough money by one standard, yet always just enough by another. Maddening how that works. It’s almost as if it were planned, is it not?

Coming... and going

2008-01-12T10:11:00.000-05:00

Well, maybe not completely just yet, but we're coming back. You see, the thing is, Goddess V and I have a real-world relationship, meaning our marriage is subject to real world pressures. As is often said, "Shit happens." Since last Spring, we've had our share of crap happen to us: illness, job challenges, surgery, loss of loved ones and so forth. The end result is that we've been preoccupied and not much inclined to post to this blog.

The good news is that through it all Goddess V and I have hung together. Better, we're coming away from these experiences with changed attitudes about certain things and some new ways of thinking as well. We are sure this will serve us well by helping us make the most of our lives (both as individuals and as a couple) in the coming months and years.

While they are leaving
I'm sad to say the Female Led Forum is closing down by the end of this week. Goddess Aradia and Goddess Holly have decided enough is enough and are no longer willing to keep the group going. Moreover, they are unwilling to allow someone else to step in and take over. In the year or so that I belonged to the group, there were never more than about 150 members, but because members were required to post at least once each month, it was a fairly active group. It was a good place to seek advice or just compare notes with people who share a common interest in establishing and maintaining an FLR. There are a lot of crappy FemDom websites out there, but even though I had trouble identifying with some of the group members, this was one of the best for practical, no-nonsense information about female led relationships.

And VOT is coming
The ladies who run the Yahoo Venus on Top Forum are working on an improved VOT website to promote female led relationships (see like to current site at right). They say the revised site will be up and running soon and will be a non-threatening place where vanilla-oriented women can go to learn more about this lifestyle. Not only will this help fill the void left by the defunct forum mentioned above, the fact that the intention is to be "vanilla with a twist", it may prove to be a very valuable new source that will help advance the FLR cause.

Awareness

2007-08-24T08:41:00.000-04:00

We have goldfinches who visit our yard each summer to pick at the sunflowers I’ve planted or the thistle that VK puts in one of our bird feeders. A few weeks ago we were on our deck, watching them when I confessed to VK how until 5 or 6 years ago, I was completely unaware of them. The same for the cardinals who feast on sunflower seeds all year long (provided the pesky squirrels don’t gobble them up first). And ditto for a red headed wood pecker who occasionally makes an appearance.

In my defense I’ve gotta say that bird watching was not one of my priorities. I mean, I was too busy raising a house full of kids as a full time Mom. That was A LOT of work! But then one day when I was getting near the age of forty, I did become aware of something that was unexpected. No, it wasn't the birds. It was how my marriage had become a relationship I no longer wanted to be part of in the years ahead. Stick a fork in me—I realized I was done.

For a couple of years after that I don’t think I was aware of much of anything, except maybe the fog that seemed to fill my head. But today my life is very different. I have beautiful birds in my yard! One snowy day a few years ago, my youngest son was amazed to see 5 or 6 cardinals on our deck. I thought that was so cool when I realized that even though he was 16 years old, he’d never seen anything like that.

The birds were probably always in the neighborhood. It only took planting sunflowers or a hand full of birdseed from VK to bring them into our yard. VK says all the time, “You don’t know what you don’t know.” Sounded like gibberish to me at first but now I think it says it all. Once you’re aware of something, it can change your life—in ways you might never have imagined before you knew what you now know. But I think you have to open yourself to being aware.

BTW, VK dug up a few interesting facts. The American Goldfinch in the picture above is a male. The female (right) is more olive green. The male is also green but is the only bird to molt twice in one year. He turns bright yellow in the Spring in order to be more attractive to the female. Goldfinches are thought to stay with the same mate for life, except that sometimes a female will leave her first mate to tend to the nest while she goes off to mate with another male, who she then stays with for life. Ya gotta love nature!

Empowerment

2007-08-10T13:34:00.001-04:00

VeezKnight read a post in the Venus on Top Yahoo group and thought the new member to that group made some good points. I agree. We know that many submissive men try to get their wives to lead their marriages. And some (many?) are unsuccessful. I think one of the reasons for this is that submissive men often have more to their agenda than just being in a wife-led marriage. They don’t just want to be “led”, they want to be totally and completely dominated.

It's true that there is nothing that will drive a man happily into sub space like being dominated by a woman he loves. (The fact of the matter is there are few limits to how far a dominant wife can push and control her husband if she handles him properly.) I see nothing wrong with this—it’s as it should be. And when FemDom reaches full stride that’s how it WILL be.

BUT the transition from traditional vanilla doesn’t happen over night.

In the beginning, it’s a mistake for a man to expect his submission will be defined by the level of dominance the woman is initially willing to bring into the relationship. As Paul learned below, a man’s sense of submission needs to be realized from within, without depending on a dominant woman to define it for him. The thing is, and take it from me, dominating a man is a lot of responsibility and a lot of work too!

This is why when a man depends solely on a woman’s dominance to satisfy his need to submit, the FemDom dynamic probably isn’t gonna work effectively. As you’ll read below, Paul learned that becoming an empowered submissive—instead of a needy one—resulted in empowering his wife to more fully embrace her female authority. So you see, even though a male’s role is to follow, support and submit to the female, he can actually help “lead” the relationship into being a FemDom relationship that satisfies both.

This isn’t the same as "stealth submission," where the man knocks himself out while the woman knows nothing of what’s going on in his head. This is frustrating for a man and difficult for many to sustain. But in a situation where the woman is in the loop and is at least marginally agreeable, the outcome, as in Paul’s case, can be very different. One feeds the other. The more the male empowers himself through self-actualization of his submissive nature, the more it frees the woman to explore her authority and become an empowered dominant woman. The more empowered she becomes, the more it validates and drives the male’s sense of submission to new highs—or should I say ‘lows.’ ☺ Soon the relationship is .....

Thank you to Paul for giving us permission to reprint his experience here.

Paul wrote:

For years I asked my wife to be more dominant. I bought her books. I bought her toys. I asked in every way I could think of and even though she actually complied a lot of the time I was never satisfied. For me it was like an addiction. No matter what she did for me or to me I always wanted more. In truth I was very ashamed of being a submissive male and I forever wanted her to force me to be sub so I wouldn't have to take responsibility for choosing submission.

Meanwhile, my incessant requests helped my wife to feel that she wasn't good enough. Because I always asked for more, she felt I was rejecting what she did give me and thus rejected her. She also felt that I was being extremely controlling and although I said I wanted her to be in control I was constantly trying to manipulate her.

I did some counseling with a kink-friendly therapist who had worked for many years as a professional dominatrix. She told me very clearly, " lead with love, lead with joy, but never ever lead with need! It's unattractive! " What I learned was to approach my wife with the joy of who I am and the deep love I have for her and not approach her with neediness. She also taught me what an " empowered submissive" is. I learned that this kind of sub didn't need anyone else to make them a sub. In other words, I chose to accept who I am and I didn't need my wife to do or say anything so I could feel OK about being me.

After my work with this counselor, I decided I could not create a FLR. I wonder if any man can. What I did decide is that I could be in a male-following relationship. Having let go of my shame I no longer needed my wife to force me to be the person I knew I truly am. To meet my own need for submission, I settled in to serving my wife and doing my best to obey her will whether she asserted it dominantly or not.

I had been entirely focused on myself and I truly had no expectation that she would change her behavior. The funny thing was, my wife, almost immediately after I made this change, changed as well. She became extremely dominant. She said that I had taken the pressure off of her and she wasn't feeling manipulated anymore. She said she had breathing room and was enjoying her new domain.

Basically what I think happened for me is; having made my needs known to my wife, way too strenuously, I was helped to let go of being needy and focus instead on meeting my own needs by serving her, whether she responded or not. She then did respond, big time! She felt safe to be dominant because I had finally stopped dominating the relationship with my need for submission. Does that make sense?

Yes, Paul, it makes A LOT of sense.

--Goddess V

Femquility

2007-08-02T23:28:00.000-04:00

Imagine a small cohousing community out of the mainstream, perhaps located on the outskirts of a small rural town. It’s more akin to a village, in which neighbors know one another’s names, smile when they say hello and gather often in a central Common House. Flowers abound and gardens are abundant with vegetables grown organically as residents honor nature and strive to live sustainably.

Imagine a peaceful community in which humans cohabit, where their footprint on Mother Earth is deliberately shallow, and where respect and appreciation for the resources she provides is the order of the day. Residents live separately in modest, but comfortable houses which, while scattered randomly throughout the landscape, are strategically positioned to take advantage of the sun’s solar energy.

But these are not the only features making this community a unique place in which to live. Here woman is revered and worshipped as goddess. Here a Wise Women Council governs and men hold little sway in either private or public affairs. In this community residents reject traditional patriarchy in favor of loving, female-led relationships. FemDom is practiced openly. Women rule absolutely, with males relegated to supportive roles in submission to female authority.

Sound too good to be true? Perhaps, but not in the imagination of one visionary dominant woman. Her vision is to secure a parcel of land in the southeastern sector of the United States, from North Carolina to Florida, on which to develop a FemDom ecovillage that encompasses all of this and more. She calls this community Femquility.

Ms. Lisa Kelly of Naples, Florida is promoting Femquility via a website that presents a somewhat detailed overview of her proposed community, accompanied by welcoming visuals of how the community might look once fully established. Incidentally, all of the graphics in this post were taken from her site. Based solely on the concept, the vision, the dream, I’m enthralled with the notion of calling such a place home. I might add that Goddess V is already itching to have me back our bags.

Unfortunately, Femquility has yet to break ground, nor has there even been a flag planted to mark it’s future location. Enthusiastic as I am, the pragmatist in me warns that translating Ms. Lisa’s dream into reality will require an effort that is nothing short of Herculean. The financial challenges alone are daunting. Short of finding a wealthy dominant woman or submissive man with the financial wherewithal to bankroll such a project, how does one raise enough capital to purchase a reasonably desirable tract of land let alone begin developing it.

Then too, how does one connect with enough people willing to invest in individual properties in Femquility. How many of those people are actually able to relocate due to children, family ties, jobs and other obligations? One European recently wrote in an FLR forum: great idea but too bad its in the United States. Hmmm.

I’m 120 miles from Goddess V as I write this, yet I can hear her say, “If you think negative crap, that’s just what you’ll get.” So let’s end on a positive note. According to experts, the ideal number of people to populate an ecovillage is between 50 and 150. Since the plan for Femquility calls for just 33 individual housing units, not that many people are needed to buy in. And it could very well be that somewhere in the southeastern US, there lives a dominant woman and/or submissive man who owns enough suitable land on which Femquility could be built. It’s a matter of connecting with enough of the right people who believe strongly enough in FemDom and loving female-led relationships.

Femquility is a concept whose time is overdue. Hopefully we’ll soon be reading that construction is under way. I added a permanent link to the Femquility website in the sidebar at right. You can also join the Femquility Yahoo Group to keep tabs on progress.

RLS and FLR: a matter of genetics?

2007-07-30T08:32:00.000-04:00

One evening about 10 years ago when Goddess V and I had first begun seeing each other, it was late, I had driven over two hours to see her, I was tired and we were sitting in my car talking. I began getting “that” feeling in my legs. Only because she noticed how they seemed to twitch uncontrollably did if I think to talk about it with her.

Then in 2004 GlaxoSmithKline began marketing Requip® for the treatment of RLS. When I first saw their ad I thought, “I’ll be damned.” What I’d been experiencing for over 15 years actually had a name: Restless Legs Syndrome. Goddess V and I looked at each other in amazement as a 60-second television ad, in a sense, legitimized what we both had considered to be just one of my odd-ball (and annoying, if you ask the goddess) quirks. Suddenly I was no longer unique or strange. I was one of many, so many that a pharmaceutical powerhouse was targeting us with their marketing campaign.

GSK has fallen under heavy fire from the medical community and the mainstream media for “disease mongering”; for promoting a little-substantiated medical condition and for attempting to convince millions of people they could avoid suffering symptoms of this condition by taking a drug that GSK had conveniently invented. As it turns out, Requip (ropinirol HCL and marketed as Adartrel® in the UK), was already an obscure, approved treatment for Parkinson’s Disease. It wasn’t until May 2005 that it was successfully repurposed by obtaining US FDA approval for treatment of RLS. Successful indeed! Sales of Requip soared to nearly $500 million in 2006, further fueling debate over GSK’s motives—except that new research indicates that RLS is genetically encoded, which may end the debate once and for all.

Two recent studies have pinpointed three common genetic variations linked to RLS. Gene scans identify a variation in the BTBD9 gene, another in the MEIS1 gene and a third in a DNA sector shared by the MAP2K5 and LBXCOR1 genes that are linked with RLS and other periodic limb movements during sleep. Says David Rye, MD, PhD, professor of neurology at Emory University School of Medicine where one study was conducted, “We now have concrete evidence that RLS is an authentic disorder with recognizable features and underlying biological basis.” It is estimated that 65% of the population carry at least one of these gene variants and that one person in ten experiences RLS.

Also known as Ekborn's syndrome, RLS was described in the 1940s by Swedish neurologist, Karl A. Ekborn. And earlier descriptions can be traced back to the 17th century when English anatomist and physician, Thomas Willis, described the disorder. BTBD9-and-whatever-genes be damned, those of us who experience RLS didn’t need GSK, or genetic research, or even the government for that matter, to tell us the sensations we feel in our legs are very real!

But this post isn’t so much about restless legs per se—and it isn’t meant to infer that FemDom is a disorder in need of medical treatment. Clearly, RLS has been affecting people for a very long time. But for one reason or another, the afflicted didn’t talked about it much until it was brought into the mainstream of social awareness by GSK’s advertising. Many of us had been quietly laying awake at night half tempted to cut off our damn legs, when suddenly we discovered there were “other people like us” out there. It became a legitimate topic of conversation through which we learned that some of our friends and acquaintances also suffered from RLS. It was a bit like when Viagra ads hit the media, catapulting ED into the light of day—but without the performance stigma that makes men shy to fess up.

Likewise, those of us living FLRs didn’t need the IOWA study or the MSNBC poll I mentioned in my last post to prove to us that male submission to female authority is gaining momentum in our society. We didn’t need to be told how it’s now being considered by psychologists as a possible marker of a successful marriage. DUH. Submissive men already know what we know. So do the dominant women who have formally acknowledge their authority over their men.

Wouldn’t it be interesting if scientists were to discover a submissive male gene along with a corresponding dominant gene in the female. But short of that the recent studies and polls are helping to validate our lifestyle by providing evidence that there are growing numbers of people out there who are “just like us.” With or without a so-called proven genetic biological basis, the transition in society to female authority is happening.

Kings don’t rule the castle — Queens do

2007-07-23T13:12:00.000-04:00

A recent study conducted by Iowa State University shows that women are the deciders and the dominant ones in relationships. The study found that while men may still throw their weight around at the office, at home it’s a different story. Men are no longer bosses. Wives have more power than their husbands in making decisions and in dominating discussions.

According to lead author and psychologist at ISU, David Vogel, "The study at least suggests that the marriage is a place where women can exert some power. Whether or not it's because of changing societal roles, we don't know.”

The results of the ISU study contradict previous studies. “Most of the research literature in psychology,” said Vogel, “has suggested that women have less power. They have largely based that on the fact that traditionally men earn more money and so therefore would have the ability to make big decisions in the relationship.”

That wasn’t the case in the new study. Wives were more demanding, asking for changes in the relationship or in their partner, and were more likely to get their way than the husbands. As evidenced in video taped discussions among married couples, this held true regardless of which spouse had originally chosen issues for discussion.

The wives were not just talking more than their husbands. “It wasn't just that the women were bringing up issues that weren't being responded to. The men were actually going along with what their wives said,” Vogel explained. “[Women] were communicating more powerful messages, and men were responding to those messages by agreeing or giving in.”

This supports other research suggesting that “wife power” may signal a harmonious couple, that a marker of a healthy marriage may be how well men accept influence from their wives. Undoubtedly, academics will argue and debate this until the cows come home. And they’ll study it some more. But many of us already understand what’s happening. In a poll conducted by MSNBC in conjunction with a story about this study (shown below), 50% of over 8,000 people said that absolutely, the queen rules the castle.

"What we've got here is...

2007-07-20T11:46:00.001-04:00

…failure to communicate."

A well-known announcement to prisoners by “Captain” (Strother Martin as prison warden) about Luke (Paul Newman) in the 1967 movie classic, Cool Hand Luke.

I’m not a Doctor Phil fan (for those of you who know who he is) but last week I happened to see one of his relationship “tips for the day.” It made a great deal of sense to me. He said, “If you think that relationships require work, you’re right: the answer is YES!” He went on to say that the quality of a relationship between a woman and a man can be measured in how well that relationship meets the needs of both individuals.

It takes effort (work) to understand who your partner is as a person and to learn about her/his needs as both an individual and as a partner inside a relationship. It also takes patience and a willingness to compromise when the needs of two people don’t exactly match up. And THIS requires open, honest, continued communication.

During a late evening chat in our hot tub last night, Goddess V said, “I don’t think too many couples talk the way we do, about all the things we talk about.” Understand, it’s not that we are perfect in this regard. Sometimes it takes us a while to discuss something that might be weighing on our mind. Eventually it surfaces however, and we talk. In discussion with other couples we know, it is obvious to us that they do not communicate the way we do.

It wasn’t always this way for us. Goddess V tells me she seldom had long conversations with her ex, about anything. I on the other hand often talked long into evening hours with my ex, but about mostly the wrong things. Looking back on it, I suspect that in both marriages, none of us ever really understood each other in terms of our needs as spouses or as individuals. That’s a sad commentary considering that collectively, our two previous relationships spanned nearly 50 years of our lives.

Why it is different for Goddess V and me I am not exactly sure, but I’m not about to question it. It makes me feel especially blessed when I read or hear about couples who have a pink elephant in their living room and neither partner is willing to acknowledge or address it. In some cases, one spouse knows the elephant is there while the other has no clue. It could be that’s the worst scenario of all. When you consider this in terms of Dr. Phil’s advice, it doesn’t say too much about the quality of the relationship itself. And all simply because people don’t, won’t, can’t or are afraid to communicate honesty about what’s truly important to them.

I assume that readers of this blog are here because they are considering, beginning, would like to be, or are actually in a FemDom relationship. I’m not a psychologist, but based on my experience, I would urge you to open the lines of communication—especially if they are currently clogged with worries, fears, insecurities and the like. Having been in both situations, I can assure you that being in a relationship in which my spouse knows what’s on my mind, and I know what’s on hers, is infinitely more satisfying, even if we don’t always agree or fully understand.

Just for Fun

2007-07-13T13:28:00.000-04:00

I recently read where one submissive man sometimes sniffs his wife’s dirty panties to motivate himself to do household chores. Another commented he does the same but never felt comfortable enough to talk about it because he thought he was the only one to do so. I know I’ve touched on this before, but it got me to thinking about this once again.

When I was in college, Philip Roth had recently published his novel, Portnoy’s Complaint, which, along with another of his novels, Goodbye Columbus, was turned into a movie. I read Portnoy’s Complaint because one of my creative writing professors happened to be a friend of Philip Roth and so he often referred to Roth’s prose as part of his lectures. In the book, the main character, Alex Portnoy discusses with his therapist various props he uses during masturbation. The eventual movie was not so explicit as the book, but I remember a scene showing Richard Benjamin, as Portnoy, sitting on the toilet with a pair of women’s panties over his head.

As I recall, the scene drew laughter from the men in the audience, but it sounded controlled to a point where it left me wondering if they laughed because they found it wildly outlandish, or because they identified with what Portnoy was secretly doing in that bathroom. I thought about that a lot afterwards. I would look at other men and wonder. I knew I had something in common with the fictional character. I knew it was something I would do again—because I enjoyed everything about panties. I liked how they looked, on and off a woman. I liked seeing her put them on and take them off. I liked how they felt in my hand when I touched them. And oh, I so enjoyed sniffing the aroma that permeates the crotch after a woman has worn them. But it wasn’t until I read the book and saw the movie that I began to wonder if maybe I wasn’t the only “pervert” to find such pleasure. Lord, a person can be so naïve can he not?

Fast forward some thirty years and I now understand that good old-fashioned panty sniffing is nearly universal among men and has nothing to do with being submissive or otherwise. There just ain’t many a man who has not sniffed, and probably worn, his wife’s or girlfriend’s panties. He may not do it often, may not admit to doing it at all, but this is only because he thinks it’s somehow wrong or he may be perceived as being “perverted.” This was me, for many years, until I met the remarkable Goddess V. Perhaps it was because I found her so sexy, or because I fell so deeply in love with her, or maybe even because she became the best friend I’ve ever had, but I absolutely could not resist temptation. Especially because she knows about this side of me, anything having to do with her panties remains one of my greatest and simplest pleasures in life.

I think it could be the same for many men, in many more relationships than it currently is. It may stem from a preoccupation with women’s underwear in general. Let’s face it, compared to the vast array of panties women wear, boxers and tidy whities are BORING. More likely, it may be indicative of the power female sexuality holds over men. We’ve all heard men tell the joke about the blind man passing the fish market who says, “Good morning, ladies,” but the truth is, men are irresistibly drawn to the very female genitalia about which they concoct crude jokes. So it only makes sense they would be drawn to the garment worn closest to that part of the female anatomy.

Are women aghast at this? Do they find it disgusting, or at best, a distasteful male trait? Maybe so. One has difficulty imagining that many women sniff dirty boxer shorts, so why should anyone expect that women would understand why men do what we do. But so what? Isn't it enough to simply understand that men and women are wired differently--and let it go at that? Instead of regarding this particular difference as something that might separate a man and a woman in a relationship, why not embrace it and use it to bring them closer together? Whether in a FLR or not, it doesn’t take a whole lot of imagination to see how a woman might use this as a tool that will work to her advantage. My imagination may be overly fertile, but it seems to me the possibilities are nearly endless. And when you consider how impossibly complicated life seems to be getting in today’s world, isn’t it remarkable that a woman might use something as simple as her panties to motivate a man, make him more attentive to her needs, and of course turn him on in ways that will make him a very happy, loyal and satisfied camper.

“Rules,” expectations, and real-life solutions

2007-07-06T11:29:00.000-04:00

First off, as we’ve said before, there really are no hard and fast “rules” per se when it comes to FemDom and a wife-led marriage. In fact, if we had to acknowledge there being even just one “rule,” it would be that a wife and husband must communicate honestly with one another on a continual basis. This only makes good sense regardless of what kind of relationship two people have.

There are, however, certain guidelines, or modes of thinking if you will, that distinguish FemDom from traditional relationships. Actually, these guidelines are nothing more than logical conclusions drawn from a different interpretation (and we think, a better understanding) of how Nature intended a woman and man to interact with one another-- based solely on their sexuality. These guidelines in turn can lead to building certain expectations in our minds, expectations over how FemDom and female authority is “supposed” to work. We all know what can happen when we hold expectations. Too often we end up being disappointed when something fails to measure up to expectations we had built up in our mind.

Generally speaking, it is a fact of nature that a man is more sexually driven than a woman. He masturbates more often. He thinks about and wants sex more often. When he has it, he thinks about what it was like long after its over. If he hasn’t had sex recently, he thinks about how long its been and how long it might be before he has it again. Being more visually oriented than a woman, a man is more attracted to the female’s body than she is to his. When he meets a woman, it’s typically not long before he imagines how she looks in the nude, and not much longer before he fantasizes about what it would be like to have sex with her. Granted, some men control this better than others, but ultimately, a typical male cannot help himself. It’s how he is wired.

One of the guidelines in a female-led relationship is orgasm management: the woman controls the man’s sexual release. She determines when, where and how he can experience an orgasm. Given the human male’s sexuality, one would think this would be objectionable for the average man. Yet the opposite is true. A man actually welcomes the opportunity to relinquish control of his sexual release to a woman’s authority. Perhaps this is because part of him knows he can never fully control it on his own, or because he intuitively knows he will be a better man when it is under the control of a loving woman. Nonetheless, this is why the majority of FemDom relationships begin at the suggestion of the male.

Except that the male psyche is such that relinquishing this control to a woman isn’t enough to satisfy him. He needs to be reminded of this exchange of power. The more often, the better. He needs to know that she is deliberately using her control to manipulate him in ways that suit her, in ways that bring her pleasure, and in ways that benefit their overall relationship. The more overtly she demonstrates this to him, the greater the control she maintains over him. It is the ultimate turn-on for a man. Ultimately it keeps him in a constant state of arousal (sexual and mental) that is focused exclusively on the woman in his life.

When a couple enters into a FemDom relationship, the man is more aware of this than the woman. Most likely, he wants it more than she. Thus he has certain expectations of how his newly dominant lady will use her authority; and thus, he sets himself up for frustration from the get-go. Critics of this lifestyle are quick to point out that it amounts to little more than the woman pandering to the male’s desires, playing the game just to satisfy his sexual fantasies (“topping from the bottom”). In a narrow sense, I would agree, simply because it seems the majority of women don’t initially seek out relationships in which they exercise such overt control over their men. So agreeing to try this dynamic could qualify as acquiescing to male desires. But when you consider a broader scope, the picture changes.

In the beginning it may seem like the woman is playing to her man to satisfy some kinky fantasy. But the fact of the matter is, when a man finally gets up enough nerve to confess his desires, he is sharing with her one of his most intimate secrets. And if you look past the sexual context, isn’t this what a woman wants most from her man? Doesn’t she want him to share with her his inner most hopes and dreams? Isn’t this a big part of how a woman defines intimacy in a relationship? Submissive men who read this know this to be true. So do the dominant women. But for the rest who aren’t in a FemDom relationship, once a woman establishes firm control over her man’s sexuality, he is powerless to resist it. The more she demonstrates this to him, the more he realizes he is powerless to resist, and the happier he is.

Who woulda thunk it?

This is where topping from the bottom ends and it becomes all about the woman. This is where a woman eventually comes to realize there is no reasonable limit to the power she has to shape her marriage and her man into whatever she wants them to be. If she isn't already, I think she can become more confident in her own sexuality as a woman--and also in all other aspects of her life both inside and outside the home.

Does a man fully comprehend this going into it? Maybe not totally but I think he does to a degree. I think by agreeing to turn over control of his sexuality, a man is saying that he wants her to establish authority over him and that he trusts her to use her authority wisely. It’s a damn good thing that most women have the smarts to do just that! My issue with this however, is that I thought, CRAP, on top of everything else, this is one more damn thing I have to be responsible for. Being a goddess is supposed to make my life EASIER-- not more complicated!

The way I see it is, if I’m the goddess, then I get to decide what we do and how we do it. So not long ago I decided that while orgasm management is a good thing, it isn’t something that I wanted to be totally responsible for. I told VK that I still will absolutely be the one to decide when and how he has an orgasm. And sex will still be primarily all about ME. But I don’t want to have to put up with any grumpiness if he thinks it’s been too long since we were intimate or since his last release. I’m usually well aware of how long it’s been, and I’m okay with teasing him—maybe not everyday—but often enough to keep the poor boy on edge. But there are lots of things going on in our life that intervene. I don’t want to always be the one to find the time to be sexually intimate. I don’t want to be the one who always has to set the stage. So I told VK, just come to me and suggest it. I’d rather he ask than mope around waiting for me to always be the initiator. Or get pissed off because he thinks I'm not holding up my end of the relationship.

If I’m in the mood, or I think I can get in the mood, we’ll go ahead and do whatever, even if its only allowing him to masturbate while I supervise. Geez, I'm not a heartless bitch-- its easy enough to take a few minutes to watch while he takes the edge off. If I think he should. This is not to say that VK has only to ask in order to receive. Not likely. That would destroy the management dynamic and the control I know he graves. But for me, our arrangement lightens what I saw as an added burden on me. And it helps eliminate expectations in his mind, and in mine too, of how our FemDom relationship "should" work or how often this or that "should" happen. To the point VK made at the beginning of this post, there are no set “rules” of how a wife-led marriage must work. As long as wife and husband communicate honestly with one another, they can find what works for them.

Sidetracked

2007-06-22T13:14:00.001-04:00

Sometimes life has a way of directing us away from the straight and narrow path we often envision for ourselves. Not that FemDom is all that “straight”. LOL, you get the idea. But that’s the way life is. You gotta go with it, deal with it and move on. Otherwise it can eat you up inside. I’m better at this than VeezKnight. Not because I’m a woman and he’s a man, but because that’s just the way I am. Aside from my gorgeous looks, this is one of my qualities that attracted him to me in the first place. ☺

Going into Spring we had a lot of plans. This included finally completing some long overdue home remodeling projects as well as changes and improvement in other areas of our life. Most of it went to crap. We also had unexpected and out of the ordinary expenses, as well as many family obligations that kept me rooted in my role as mother, sister, daughter.

I think it was in March that we had one of our hot tub talks when I told VK how lousy I had been feeling for the past year. He knew this already, but I also confessed certain fears I was experiencing about my health and how frustrated I was because it was an obstacle in many areas of our relationship. We would say we would start making time for this, or we would start doing that, but nothing would happen. To be sure, this wasn’t always “my fault,” but I was feeling guilt and dissatisfaction that often it was because I was constantly exhausted, or my libido was practically nonexistent, or because there were other constraints on my/our time. Then wouldn’t ya know but right about then VK came down with a debilitating physical injury. So much for the physical labor necessary to carry out our home improvement plans.

Anyway, VK did a lot of research on the Internet and diagnosed me with hypothyroidism. I’d been tested for that before but never officially diagnosed or put on medication. He encouraged me to “insist” my doctor test me yet again. So I did. You know how it is when you get blood work done. You worry that they might find something wrong. This time I was worried about the opposite, that they WOULDN’T find something wrong. As VK had learned, the medical industry has changed the standards considered to indicate normal thyroid function. My doc confirmed this and sure enough, my blood tests revealed I was now well within the abnormal range. This pisses me off in a way because for years I have been told that, despite having five or six of the common ten to twelve symptoms, blood tests showed nothing out of whack. Then suddenly, oops, we’ve decided to shorten the yardstick. Now you’re 5’5” instead of 5’8”.

The good news is that within 3 days of taking medication, I began to feel better. Also, last week VeezKnight had surgery to correct his problem. Right now he is still a miserable pain in my ass due to post surgery pain, but that is improving every day. And he is bitching about all of our plans that haven’t gotten done… and won’t in the near future. I know he is also feeling frustrated about how I have definitely not been feeling like a goddess these past months. This is going to change.

My point in all of this isn’t to solicit sympathy from anyone. We all have challenges, obligations and plain old crap in our lives that we’ve gotta deal with. It’s called life. Being in a FemDom marriage doesn’t make us any different than anyone else. It’s true that I haven’t much felt like a goddess lately, and VK hasn’t been as good a submissive as he has been in the past. But this will change. Now that we see light at the end of the tunnel, I plan to have discussions with him about how we might get back on track. I know he’ll have a few suggestions too.

I also plan to outline a few ways that VK can share more of the responsibility in maintaining our dominant/submissive relationship. And maybe some steps we can take to help him be less negative about some things. I think that negativity is nothing more than a bad habit that can be broken. Hopefully I’ll find the time to write about all of this in another post. VK and I will talk things over and I’ll decide on how we’ll proceed. He gets a vote, but I get a vote and a half. That’s part of the beauty of a wife led marriage. And if some of it doesn’t work for us then we’ll readjust as we go. We both agree on what we want, we just need to work around setbacks in getting there.

Sexual Power for Women

2007-05-25T10:11:00.000-04:00

This landmark ebook was written by Georgeann Cross. An early Internet champion of female domination, she completed and posted her book way back in 1997. It’s in PDF format and free to anyone who cares to download it — most likely for the same reason Elise Sutton does not charge to view her monthly updated website. These are women who are more concerned with sharing their teachings than with making money. While they differ somewhat in their approaches, one can see definite parallels in the social change they advocate: stronger, more passionate relationships between men and women and a more peaceful world through female dominance.

Georgeann Cross is not a pro dominatrix or a female supremacist. Nor is she a militant feminist. Throughout her book she makes it clear that she appreciates and loves men. However, through many years of experience, she has developed an uncanny insight into the male psyche, that they should, need, and even want to be controlled by the woman they love. Ms. Cross presents some rather compelling arguments for a woman to establish and maintain her sexual power over her man, particularly with respect to reviving and sustaining the initial passion that occurs (then wanes) in a relationship between a man and a woman.

I know I am preaching to the choir to those of you already in this lifestyle. I don't agree everything Cross says, but for anyone interested in pursuing FemDom and female authority, I would highly recommend you give this book a read. Her lively and entertaining style, along with her sense of humor and non-threatening demeanor, probably make it especially appropriate for any woman who may be considering adopting this lifestyle at the request of the man in her life, which, as most of us who are in this lifestyle know, is often the case.

Ms. Cross’s book can be found at www.francescaspizza.com. Considering the subject matter, that's an odd name for a URL, but if you read the book, it'll make sense. All paragraphs in italics that follow are excerpts from her work (I have paraphrased in a few instances) and remain the sole property of Georgeann Cross.

Ms. Cross writes, “I’d like female domination to become so nearly universal that no heterosexually active man can escape our civilizing influence. That can happen only through the cumulative effort of a great many women. The techniques of female domination have tremendous potential for good… [Though] they also have potential for mischief, whether intentional or thoughtless… I’m confident the good will far outweigh the harm, and someday we’ll all be at peace. Women in general are decent, especially compared with men… Men, by nature, have as much good in them as we do. Sadly, most have been taught to keep it hidden — to keep up their guard and seek control over others. They’ve learned that good is a sign of weakness and that they have to appear strong lest they be abused and exploited. The way to appear strong is to act mean.

“Female domination offers such great hope because it gives you a way of nurturing the good in your man, of persuading him to leave behind the fears and defenses of adolescence, of encouraging him to act in accordance with the most noble of his predilections. And it gives you a way to get started — a way to find the good in your partner.”

Georgeann Cross’s approach calls for dominating men by using irresistible female sexual power. Throughout her book she advises women how to turn a man into their personal sex/ love slaves and expounds the many benefits and affects this has on a committed relation. She is neither a female supremacist nor a professional dominatrix. She uses light bondage to help create and reinforce a psychological Catch 22 that she calls The Loop. Essentially, she creates in a man’s mind a need to resist her attempts to sexually stimulate him, such as asking him to agree to do something he doesn’t want to do while stimulating him. Then she proceed to prove to him that he cannot prevent himself from getting turned-on despite his objections (provided he is bound – most often spread-eagle on a bed -- and cannot physically resist or escape).

Her basic definition of a male love slave is as follows. However, she makes it clear that this is only a starting point. The rules may include anything a woman decides upon.

He has to be completely faithful and not have sex with anyone else.
He must take off as much of his clothing as she tells him when alone together and let her touch any part of his body any way she wishes.
He must touch her any way she tells him, or not touch her if that’s what she says.
He must allow her to tie him up whenever she wants.
He must masturbate while she watches if she tells him to.
He must tell her all of his secrets and fantasies.
She will almost always be on top when they have intercourse.

Ms. Cross explains, “Consider this little-considered truth about the relationship between the sexes: If a man is horny to begin with, and the sexual chemistry between you is such that you naturally turn him on, and he’s physically unable to resist [tied up], you can make him have an orgasm; his will alone can’t prevent it.

“It’s easy to see why this truth is so obscure. The situation doesn’t come up in most people’s lives. A man is rarely put in a position where he’s unable to resist what a woman might do, and when it happens, it’s not in the presence of a woman whose intentions are sexual. Even among couples who play at bondage the situation is rare; when the man is tied up, the woman doesn’t create in his mind a need to resist the stimulation she offers. Besides, we’ve been acculturated to a view of masculinity that tells us that men are always eager for sexual release. We’re not used to thinking that a man might be subjected to sexual stimulation and try to resist it. This in turn feeds the rarity of the occurrence; the situation has so seldom been set up because only a few women have thought to do it.”

Cross details how a man will be embarrassed at being so obviously turned on by this situation. Moreover, his embarrassment will turn-him on further, that all of the woman’s attention is focused on him, that she has taken control of his body, that she can elicit from him his most private thoughts and feelings, that he has no place to hide, that he is so intimately exposed to the woman in every way.

“Stripping the last bit of commentary from that explanation, we’re left with the simplest possible description of the psychological Loop in which a man finds himself when placed in this sort of situation: He’s embarrassed at being turned on and he’s turned on by his embarrassment. I call it the Loop because that’s its shape — a self-reinforcing cycle made up of two components, each of which fuels the other. The way I take control of a man’s sexuality is to set up this Loop in his mind and feed it, doing this to add to his sexual arousal and that to add to his embarrassment.

Irresistible power
“There are two reasons it’s important to understand that you’re irresistible. One is that it builds confidence. Confidence gives you an even sexier aura and makes you even harder to resist — an effect that’s magnified still further when your man is unable to interfere with what you might do. Confidence also keeps you from being bluffed off course. If you set up this sort of scene, especially if you do it for the purpose of gaining leverage in dealing with [what you consider to be] a problem in your relationship, many a man will try a bluff to get you to stop as soon as he sees what you’re up to. He’ll do it even while tied naked and helpless. He’ll ask in a disappointed tone, designed to make you feel guilty, whether you’re 'that kind of person.' He’ll tell you that what you’re doing turns him off, hoping to stop you before you’ve had a chance to make your own observation of the intensity with which it turns him on. He’ll tell you you’ll never see him again. He’ll tell you more things than I can warn you about. Whatever he tells you, it’s best met with a confident demeanor. You won’t always succeed this way, but almost always. If you lack confidence — if you let yourself be bluffed — you’ll never succeed.

“The other reason it’s important to know you’re irresistible is that if you’re to control your man completely, he has to know he can’t resist you, and he has to know that you know he knows. It’s actually necessary to demonstrate this to him, and to do so repeatedly throughout your relationship. “If that were the whole story of The Loop, its potential would be awesome enough, but there’s more. First, the Loop has a way of getting burned in — it quickly becomes a man’s habitual mode of arousal. If you press your body against his and kiss him, not only does his cock get hard, but he gets embarrassed by knowing that you can feel it. Without additional prompting he gets further excited by his embarrassment, by knowing that you know he’s embarrassed, and by imagining what you might do with both his hard cock and his embarrassment. Even your smile, by itself, teases him about the secrets you know and becomes a powerful erotic stimulant.

“Second, The Loop is addictive. Your lover begins to fantasize, even crave, scenarios in which his loss of control turns out to be especially embarrassing. His fantasies keep him turned on, and his awareness that it’s you who transforms fantasies into reality keeps him turned on to you in particular. As a consequence, his need for you is much stronger than it would be in an ordinary relationship. Because he needs you, he wants to please you. And his addiction to The Loop (and to you) can sometimes be made to compete with other, destructive [habits] he might have, giving you a degree of leverage in getting them under control.

“Third and best of all, The Loop can make a man love you with truly phenomenal intensity. We women have traditionally been more in love with our men than they with us. This is because we’ve opened ourselves up to them, shared our secrets, and been accepted. At least that’s how it was early on, when love was new. Later, if things went according to the usual pattern, we continued to share what was important to us, and our words were barely heard and dismissed as trivial. Not as good as what we started with, but a pretty fair substitute when you consider the alternatives: it’s better than being rejected and it’s better than feeling obliged to keep everything inside as men do.

“At the beginning of their relationships with us, men, too, open up and share their secrets. Love involves an exchange of vulnerabilities, and a relationship that doesn’t begin with mutual self-disclosure doesn’t get off the ground. Men, though, are raised to seek mastery over everything they encounter, including their women, so they soon find it necessary to erect barriers against us, hide their vulnerabilities, and do what they can to control us. In the process they lose the feeling of being in love, and it’s a great loss.

“The Loop is a vulnerability that your man has to share with you. Unless he goes to the unlikely extreme of ending your sexual relationship, he can’t avoid the Loop; you can make it part of any or every sexual encounter. And once you’ve got him turned on, he can’t refuse to share his feelings; even if he’s reticent, his body will tell you everything. When you comment on what it does, even if only by saying, 'Mm-hm,' he’ll know that you know!”

Sexual excitement
“The most obvious advantage of sexual slavery is that it’s tremendously exciting. After a while, a man in an ordinary relationship becomes sexually bored with his partner and comes to regard lovemaking as more duty than pleasure. If he’s not committed to the relationship, he seeks a new and therefore more exciting partner, then repeats the pattern until he makes a commitment before getting bored. When he gets bored with a partner to whom he’s committed, he stops making love. If his libido was weak to begin with, he becomes impotent. More commonly, he delivers brief, mechanical sexual performances devoid of emotion.

“Many women blame themselves when this happens. Some blame their partners. In actuality, blame is inappropriate. Men are wired to lose interest in a partner who’s always available. They can’t help it. Fortunately they’re also wired to turn on to the techniques of female domination; they can’t help that either. And the power of these techniques to excite is far greater than the tendency of monogamy to bore. If your man can’t have you whenever he wants, if he gets to experience that yummy little thrill only on your terms, boredom never sets in. He remains always a bit insecure, always eager to please you, always horny for you.

“A love slave spends much of his time in a state of sexual arousal. He may find this frustrating at times, but always exciting and never boring. I’ve heard of two love slaves in their seventies who were vigorously potent, and one of them had given up on sex in a conventional relationship fifteen years earlier, believing he was too old.

“A particularly introspective man might appreciate this, as might a man who has been rescued from sexual boredom without a change of partner, but a man of ordinary self-awareness who is sexually enslaved early in a relationship will likely attribute his state of continuous arousal to his lover’s attractiveness alone. And so much the better for her!”

Love
“Like sexual excitement, being in love is a delicious feeling. Men, control freaks that they are, rarely seek it; they seek sexual flings instead. Nevertheless men do fall in love early in their relationships and feel a loss when they assert dominion over their partners and the feeling goes away. Eventually a man reaches a point in his life where he becomes aware that he’s no longer in love with the woman he married and, unless he ends or at least risks his marriage, he’s doomed to live out his days without ever experiencing that feeling again. Grim.

“Female domination saves a man from that. A love slave is, first and foremost, in love with his partner, and the feeling doesn’t go away. Many factors contribute to this, among them the same insecurity that keeps him sexually excited, her sharing of his vulnerability with respect to The Loop, and his eidetic recollections of her teasing.

“As with sexual excitement, only an uncommonly experienced and introspective man will understand that his enslavement is what makes him love his partner with such enduring intensity. The average man will be aware only of being in love. Both will be emotionally committed.”

Intimacy
“Men crave intimacy but fear it. Generally fear wins. A woman who sexually enslaves her lover can tip the balance so he can enjoy being known by her.

“Early in a relationship, when a man is in love, he wants to share all his thoughts, feelings, fantasies, beliefs, hopes, dreams and fears. He rehearses what he’d like to say, but typically can bring himself to voice only a small fraction of what’s inside. He’s learned to keep it all to himself, and the learning is of a sort that’s difficult to overcome.

“As the relationship matures, he feels obliged to control it. The necessity of confronting his partner as an adversary when they have differences (for that’s how he sees it!) now makes self-disclosure impossible. The enemy might learn something she could use against him. This is war, and he has to win — has to expand and consolidate his control.

“From her point of view, the most appealing aspects of his personality have disappeared behind an impenetrable wall. From his point of view, he’s involved in a relationship recognized as the ultimate in intimacy by his friends, colleagues, church and state, and he’s emotionally isolated.

“Sexual slavery makes it easier for a man to talk openly with his partner about matters of emotional significance. It does this in several ways. If she uses her sexual power to take control of all aspects of the relationship, making whatever decisions there are to be made, he doesn’t have to be ready for battle. There isn’t going to be a battle, so there’s no tactical disadvantage in having a history of intimacy.

“If she considers his needs in making her decisions — and she would be foolish not to — he’ll learn that it’s in his best interest to let her know what those needs are. He’ll learn to prioritize them honestly as well. Some things matter to him a great deal, others only a little. There are preferences he might insist upon in an ordinary relationship that aren’t his at all, but represent instead what he thinks he owes his family or what he hopes will impress his buddies. If she considers his stated needs in good faith, her decisions will suit him best if he’s been honest with her. Intimate self-disclosure thus becomes a way of getting what he needs and wants.

“The Loop, by being a significant vulnerability he can’t help but share, gets him accustomed to being intimately known. Other secrets no longer seem so dark as to be worth hiding. In time, he learns his partner isn’t dangerous and he gets comfortable enough to talk openly about anything. Eventually he realizes she knows him quite well and loves him for who he is, rather than for the image he was trying to project when they met or for some utilitarian advantage. That’s a truly exhilarating high — one that the conventionally dominant man will never reach.

“Because he’s in love, he wants to share his thoughts, feelings, fantasies, beliefs, hopes, dreams and fears, just as at the beginning of a conventional relationship. And the love inspired by sexual slavery lasts, so he actually has a chance of communicating it all, then going on to share the changes that come with maturity and age. Happily ever after.”

A Higher Level

2007-04-13T12:13:00.000-04:00

This is about a man and a woman who very nearly failed at their relationship—before this night, and before it became a story about a woman and her man.

The Goddess returned from her shower to find her knight sitting on the edge of their bed. As one of his routine duties, he had collected the clothing she had dropped on the floor and placed it in a basket with other laundry that he would do in the morning. The man was naked as she had instructed. He looked at her adoringly, expectantly, almost child-like as she entered the room. It was an expression to which only now she was growing accustomed. Except for a towel that was wrapped around her wet hair, she was also nude. Though she carried more than a few extra pounds on her frame, she strode confidently to her chair and sat down. She knew by the way her knight drank her in with his eyes that he truly did not care, in fact, actually relished the voluptuous curves that now formed her middle-aged body. Contrary to social standards bent on convincing her otherwise, this made her feel more desirable and all the more deserving of his worship.

Tonight, as the object of his worship, she would address a different persona of the man who was her husband. As well as her knight in shining armor, he was her partner, her best friend and confidant, and her lover. And because he had given himself in submission to her, he was also her servant and sometimes her slave. “Fetch your collar,” she said authoritatively.

He rose obediently to his feet and retrieved a black leather collar from a dresser drawer. As he approached her with collar in hand, she snapped her fingers and pointed to the floor. He went down instantly and covered the remaining distance to his Goddess on his knees. Handing her his slave collar, he leaned forward.

She fastened it around his neck, then she sat back and smiled. He had purchased the collar at her request from a leather crafter on eBay. It was the first D/S toy they had added to their bedroom toy collection. The Goddess used it often. She liked seeing her man wear his collar and marveled how he obeyed her implicitly when wearing it. Moreover, she found it was easier to dominate him when he was collared. She lamented that, because they still had grown children at home, she could not have him wear it as often as she desired. She had assured him however, that once the kids were gone, she would have him wearing his slave collar, and probably little else, a great deal of the time. “There now, that’s better. You’ll be wearing this to bed tonight.”

She continued to survey the man kneeling before her, his head bowed in humility. Even now it surprised her that the once self-absorbed man who had engaged her in frustrating power struggles, now eagerly supplicated himself before her. It had been over two years since they had first discussed adopting a FemDom lifestyle. As was typical in female-led relationships, it was his suggestion. Being open-minded, she agreed without much reservation, primarily because she had always felt a woman should be treated as a goddess. She reasoned that a lifestyle that promoted this thinking was bound to be a good thing. Still, the transition had been a challenging process. Fraught with several frustrating setbacks, it required genuine and sometimes uncomfortable honesty, with themselves and each other, and also a willingness to consider ideas that departed from traditional thinking. The truth was, despite her naturally bossy nature, and her husband’s eagerness to submit, only now was the Goddess beginning to feel entirely comfortable in her dominant role.

The Goddess toyed with the chrome-plated ring on her husband’s collar, making it clank against the D-ring that held it in place. Their journey into FemDom had not been without surprises, and this was one of them. Hardware: the Goddess discovered she liked the sound of hardware. Leather: she discovered she liked the aroma of leather in the bedroom. She also discovered that together, hardware and leather made her wet. “So,” she teased, “Do you still want to worship and serve me?”

Her question was more rhetorical, more of a ritual, than it was a real question. Since female authority had become the rule in their relationship, how they related to each other as man and woman had changed considerably. Their relationship and marriage had been transformed to the extent that both understood there would be no turning back to the vanilla lifestyle from which they came.

“Yes I do,” he replied, looking downward at the floor.

“Why?”

“Because you are the woman I love. And you deserve to be worshipped.”

“Why else?”

“Because I’m submissive and need to be dominated.”

“Why do you suppose that is?”

He paused for a moment, as if considering how to respond, but he knew the answer without thinking. It was the same answer he gave her every time she asked this question. “Because I’m a male. Because I like how it makes me feel.”

She reached out and lifted his chin so that she could look into his eyes. “Yes, I can see it in your eyes. You need it. You crave it, don’t you.”

“Yes, my Goddess.”

“Then you’re a lucky man I allow you to serve me. You’re lucky I give you what I know you need.”

“I surely am.” He cradled first one foot then the other, bowing to plant a kiss on each.

As he did so she added, “But you won’t always like what I give you.” Her words resounded in his head as both a threat and a promise: ‘you won’t always like what I give you.’ Words, they were merely words. Yet she was becoming adept at stringing them together to make them every bit as controlling as the links of the chain leash she sometimes attached to his collar.

“I know… but I trust you. Thank you.”

She reached out and ran her fingers through his hair. “So tell me, in what ways did you think of me today? I know it’s difficult for a male, but did you actually think of me with your brain… or just your cock?”

He smiled at her . “With my brain of course.”

“Really? Then it seems to me if you’d been using your brain, you’d have thought to sweep the kitchen floor today.” He had taken on many household chores she had assigned, even a few she hadn’t. And he was as good if not better than she was at most. Yet there were annoying times when it seemed he deliberately shirked his responsibilities. This frustrated her immensely. She closed her fingers, capturing a handful of hair and pulled. “Why should I have to waste my time talking to you about this?”

“You shouldn’t. So, maybe I wasn’t thinking with my brain.”

“No, maybe not. Submissive or not you’re still a man, and you all think with your cocks. She brought a foot up between his legs and flicked his penis with her toes. “This is what controls you. That’s why I must have complete control of it. When I control the cock, I control the man.” She tapped his balls with the top of her foot, just hard enough to make him wince slightly. “You agreed to give me control of your cock, didn’t you?”

“Yes I did, Goddess.”

“I think you must forget that at times. Maybe you need a daily reminder that this,” she punctuated her words with another tap to his balls, “does NOT belong to you. It belongs to ME.” Then she began to tease his cock with her foot. Within a minute or so he began to grow erect. She expected he would arch his pelvis forward, just slightly, in an effort to intensify the contact with her foot. When he did so, she met his advance and began to massage his growing erection with her foot. The Goddess was, in fact, a self-proclaimed foot-whore. In addition to enjoying having her feet worshipped, she adored how her husband took pleasure in anything that had to do with her feet and shoes. As she toyed with him, an idea came into her head. She decided it was time to use this to her advantage. “Looks like this poor little thing needs relief.”

“Well it has been three weeks.”

“I don’t need you to remind me how long its been,” she scolded. She ceased the motion of her foot but did not remove it from his crotch.

“No, of course you don’t. I only meant that because its been…”

“Oh please,” she interrupted, “you’d still want to cum even if it were only three days.” She resumed massaging and toying with her husband’s cock as she mused, “I don’t know, do you think you’ve earned the privilege? Should I let you jerk off?” Before he could answer she added, “Maybe I’ll think more about that while you get busy with your mouth.” She schooched her butt forward in her chair so that she was half reclining and spread her legs.

Happily, he buried his face between her thighs. Her pubic hair, still moist from her shower and smelling of scented soap, tickled his nose as he licked and kissed and nibbled. Mindful not to rush to her clit too quickly, he traced along her labia with the tip of his tongue. Eventually he parted her folds, probing tentatively, then sounded her depths with his tongue to lick her inner most recesses. “Damn, have you been taking lessons?” she teased. “You’ve gotten so much better at eating my pussy.” She draped one leg over the arm of her chair to give him deeper access. He helped to spread and support her legs as he serviced her. But knowing his Goddess as he did, he knew it would be only a matter of time before she moved to the bed. There she could recline and fully relax to let herself drift with the tides of approaching orgasm.

When she moved to the bed he retrieved a vibrator from the night table before joining her. He then placed a wedge-shaped pillow beneath her buttocks before crouching between her legs to continue. Tongue tantalized. Fingers coaxed G-spot. Vibrator titillated clit. The Goddess deliberately prolonged this exquisite torture until she could no longer hold back burgeoning energy of eminent finality. When the first wave crashed in on her, it knocked her nearly senseless. Then wave upon wave followed, threatening to pummel her to pieces and sweep them into the cosmos. Her thighs came together, vise-like and with such force they may well have imploded his ear drums had his head still been between them. A gutteral “Fffuuuuuuck” escaped her throat as her body recoiled with the intensity of her release.

He could scarcely contain a grin at her outcry. There were times when “Cheese and crackers” or “Geezo-wheezo” simply didn’t cut the mustard. This was certainly one of those times. Still, considering the situation, he found her use of the F-bomb to be a curious paradox: no manner of fucking he and his Goddess had ever engaged in had produced such an obviously powerful orgasm. What’s more, since assuming her dominant role in their marriage, there had been less intercourse, yet his Goddess now routinely experienced orgasms of startling intensity. They seemed to consume her to the extent that he sometimes thought she was in pain rather than ecstasy. Sobering as it was to male ego, this was undeniable proof that the penis played fourth-fiddle behind vibrator, tongue and fingers. Happily however, he did not allow himself to feel inadequate as a man. He chose instead to find satisfaction, a sense of pride even, in helping the woman he loved to achieve such lofty sexual highs, even though it didn’t require his cocksmanship.

His Goddess lay trembling in the aftermath of her orgasm. When he attempted to lay beside his her, to embrace her as he usually did, she pushed him away saying, “No. Go kneel beside the bed and wait.” Her request was unusual, but nonetheless, he complied without question. He knelt quietly for several minutes before his Goddess had recovered enough to roll over and sit on the edge of the bed in front of him. She quenched her dry mouth with a glass of water he had placed on the night table before saying, “Now then, still want to cum?”

“Yes, Goddess, if it pleases you.”

“Oh, indeed it will,” she replied with a wicked grin. “Play with your cock and get yourself off. I want you to cum on my feet.” Seeing a look of surprise on his face, she waited a moment before delivering the kicker, “And then I want you to lick them clean.”

Utter consternation swept across his face. “Ummm,” he stammered.

“Ummm?” I give you permission to cum and all you can say is ummm?”

“Well, it’s just that…”

“Just what?,” she interrupted. She reached out and slapped his face, not overly hard, but enough to ensure she commanded his full attention. “I didn’t hear ummm when I use to suck your cock. I didn’t hear ummm when I let you cum in my mouth. Did I?”

“No.”

“And I didn’t hear ummm when I swallowed. Did I. Well did I?”

“No.”

“I always meant to give to a big sloppy kiss and give it all right back to you. But I never did. Big mistake.”

“But…”

“But nothing. It was all fine and dandy with you to have woman who would do that for you. For YOU! Get it? I did it more for you, than for me.” He flinched when she leaned forward, expecting another slap in the face. Instead, seeing a look of guilt cloud over him, she took his face into her hands and spoke more quietly. “Hey, it’s okay. That was then and I wanted to please you. But this is now. And your job is to please your Goddess.”

She leaned back on her hands and brought her foot into his crotch. Almost involuntarily he looked down to watch as she began to wiggle her toes against his penis. “The choice is yours.” A knowing smile formed on her lips because she knew the outcome even before she posed the option. She understood how the male urge to cum was powerful incentive to agree to nearly anything. However she also knew the incentive lasted only to the moment of orgasm, after which all bets were suddenly off.

As she expected, he took himself in hand and began to masturbate. She watched and waited. Though she had already told him to cum, as he approached the edge of the abyss, he dutifully ask for permission to leap over it. This was always a moment of great anxiety for him, when teetering on the brink. It would take the slightest nudge to tip him over the edge, such that he could easily provide with the simple stroke of a hand. Yet he was without authority to do so. Sometimes she would allow him to provide that final stroke. Other times she would make him wait. Sometimes she would deny him altogether. And that would be the end of it. When he asked for her permission she replied, “Not yet. I want you to promise me you will lick up every drop.”

“Okay,” he said through clenched teeth, still looking at her feet.

“Not good enough. Look me in the eye and promise.” She met his gaze when he raised his head to look at her. “Say it.”

“I promise, Goddess.” And he was soon tumbling over the edge. Though caught in the throws of mind numbing orgasm, he remained diligent enough to control the direction of his ejaculation as best he could. He positioned and held his penis so that most of his semen fell on the pedicured feet of his Goddess.

“That’s it,” his Goddess encouraged, “let it go all over my sexy feet. Doesn’t that feel amazing? Like nothing else in the world, huh.”

When he was fully spent, he remained kneeling in front of his Goddess, looking down at her feet, at the mess he had left on them. She wiggled slightly the foot that had received the bulk of his load and said, “Now be a good boy and get busy licking. And be sure you get it all between my toes.”

He accepted her foot into his hand and slowly bowed his head to meet it. She could see by the reluctance in his movement that his enthusiasm had vanished. When he hesitated as his mouth neared her foot, she thought he might renege on his promise. For a moment, as she sometimes had in the past, she wondered if perhaps she was being too cruel and should let him off the hook. Then, before she could consider this further, she felt his tongue against her flesh. He began to lick, though slowly and with little conviction.

“Ooo, I like this,” she said. Even though this involved her feet and his orgasm, making it register somewhere between a treat and discipline in her husband’s mind, she realized that this was a nearly effortless way to push one of his submissive buttons. It took less energy than spanking or some of their other activities. Some creativity might help, just to make things interesting, but it required less planning too. “We’ll have to do this lots more,” she added. “Maybe next time I’ll have you eat your cum out of a pair of my panties. Dirty ones. Mmmm, won’t that be a yummy treat. I know how you love panties with my scent on them.”

He said nothing and continued to lick her feet, but now with increasing fervor. When he had finished, she said, “Now get a hot washcloth and wipe my feet. Wash your face and rinse your mouth too. Then I want to snuggle and kiss awhile.”

When he returned from the bathroom, he carefully wiped and dried her feet, then kissed each of her toes before joining her in bed. "I love you," he said as he slid in beside her.

"I love you too."

Wife and husband embraced and kissed tenderly before finally she said to him, “You do realize we took our relationship to a new level tonight.”

“You took us there.”

“No, I led and you followed.”

He knew this to be true in most areas of their marriage. “Yeah, I did.” Then after a pause he asked, “Does this mean you’re gonna have me do that all time now?”

She kissed him on the cheek and said, “Not always the same way, but yeah, I am.” Then with her lips close to his ear she added in a whisper, “Even when we fuck.”

“Oh.”

She raised up on one elbow so that she looked down at him as he lay next to her, “What’s the matter, are you ashamed?”

“Kinda.”

“Why? Because you ate cum or because you liked it?”

“I wouldn’t say I liked it.”

“Maybe not, but you wanted to do it. You just needed me to make it happen.”

He took a deep breath and exhaled long and slowly, knowing there was little sense in debating that this was essentially true. Now that she had made it a reality, he knew he would need to accept it was yet another paragraph written in the growing description of who he was as a man.

She patted her hand against his chest and said glibly, “Hey, it's no big deal. It’s not as if it makes you a cum slut.”

“A cum… oh that’s great. That’s just fuckin-A fantastic.”

She chuckled at that. “It IS when you think about it. You were in sub-space, big time. We both know that makes you happy… and a better husband. And that, my dear, is what makes ME happy.”

She kissed him on the lips. “Good night,” she said as she tugged playfully at his collar. “Hope this isn’t too uncomfortable to sleep in.”

“I suppose I’ll get use to it.”

She was not entirely sure to what her husband referred, wearing his collar to bed or tasting his semen. Either way she replied, “I know you will.” Then she rolled over, turned off the light and snuggled down beneath the covers. He did likewise. A few moments later she reached one hand behind her and pinched his ass. “See you in the AM… cum slut.”

The Goddess was pleased and not surprised to hear a sigh in the darkness that spoke of her knight’s contentment.

Fishing

2007-04-12T07:30:00.000-04:00

Thanks to all who so eagerly left comments to my last post. Honest, Goddess V and I weren't fishing for compliments or encouragement. But it was nice to receive just the same. I only wanted to say that we hadn't lost interest in promoting wife-led marriage (or even in FemDom itself), simply that I had come to an impass composing something I felt worth saying. An idea or two has occured to me so it would seem the well is not yet dry.

Still Alive

2007-04-09T15:33:00.000-04:00

Yes, we are still among the living even though we haven't posted to this blog in over a month. Truth is, I am wondering what more we can say here. And would it make an appreciable difference in advancing the cause of female-led relationships?

It appears that other blogs are stagnating as well. (Some have even been hijacked.) Happily there are two sites that churn along. Around Her Finger and Elise Sutton, which, in my opinion are the best out there as far as informational purposes go. AHF is easily the site more likely to pique the interest of a woman who is new to this way of thinking.

Socialization

2007-03-02T09:04:00.000-05:00

Goddess V often tells me I think too much. I smile at her and say, “Ya think?” She’s right, mostly, but the deal is, I enjoy thinking. It’s part of who I am. I can sit quietly alone, with no TV, no radio, no distractions, and think—about all kinds of things. After writing my last post about gender roles, I’ve been thinking about socialization in general, and about how it defines us in many ways we don’t readily consider. Take women’s underarms for example ☺

The practice of eliminating body hair, both for men and women, is evident throughout the ages as far back as 3000 years B.C. and has ebbed and flowed from one culture to another. Men have concerned themselves with body hair on again and off again, and to a much lesser extent, so have women. Historians generally agree that shaving for American women began in 1915 with an ad in the up-scale magazine, Harper’s Bazaar. The ad featuring a photograph of a young woman dressed in a slip, a robe covering one shoulder, with her arm raised above her head to reveal a hairless underarm. At the time the term underarm was considered objectionable and unfit for print, so the ad copy was skillfully crafted and began: “Summer dress and modern dancing combine to make necessary the removal of objectionable hair.” Within a few months however, ad men through caution to the winds and began writing ad copy like, “The Woman of Fashion says the underarm must be as smooth as the face.”

The HB ad was the first in an onslaught by male marketeers to convince high-society women it was time, in fact, “necessary” for them to deal with not-so-feminine tufts of hair that someone, presumably the opposite sex, ostensibly found to be “objectionable.” An altruistic motive? Hardly. American women represented an untapped market for razors and assorted other toiletries the marketers themselves had yet to fully envision. Yes, American women had more than hair under their arms. They had big dollar signs. In the eyes of consumer marketeers, they were little more than juicy, low-hanging plums just ripe for the picking. By 1915 McCalls was running similar ads directed at middle class women. Bolstered by sheer and sleeveless dresses that were gaining popularity in women’s fashions, the movement toward redefining femininity in America was well under way.

Women’s razors and depilatories made their debut in the Sears Roebuck catalog in 1922, the same year the company began offering dresses with sheer sleeves. By this time however, the underarm battle had been largely won. Advertisers no longer felt compelled to explain the need for their products and could concentrate on distinguishing themselves from their competitors. The anti-leg hair campaign was less intense with the volume of leg ads never reaching the proportions of the underarm campaign. At the time there was little practical need for smooth legs. Hemlines that had risen during the Roaring Twenties plummeted in the 1930s. It wasn’t until Dr. Wallace Carothers at DuPont invented nylon in 1938 that an affordable alternative to silk stockings became available to the masses. Nylon stockings first went on sale on May 15, 1940, selling 780,000 pair the first day and 64 million the first year. Presumably, women rushed home to try on their first pair of nylons and decided it was time to start shaving the legs too.

According to one major razor manufacturer, a female who begins shaving at age 12 or 13 will do so about 6,336 times throughout her life. This equates to the average western woman dedicating approximately 32,000 minutes, or 533.34 hours, or 22.22 days of her life denuding her legs and underarms of unsightly hair. When I compare this to how I spend darn near this much time in my car each year just traveling to and from my job, I suppose 22.22 days in a lifetime is not that big a deal.

Then again, when you multiply 22.22 days by the number of shaving women in America: that’s many hundreds of years worth of otherwise productive woman hours that are wasted balancing on one foot in the shower! Next, consider how just one particular model Gillette razor recently earned $400 million in sales during its first year in the marketplace. It’s easy to understand why Proctor and Gamble was willing to plunk down $57 billion to acquire Gillette in 2005. In our age of global marketing, countries in which women still do not shave represent an opportunity for huge additional revenues, which is why companies like P&G are presently engaged in campaigns designed to convince those ladies they need to get with the program. The impact then, of cultivating women as consumers of razors, is massive--on our time as individuals and on our economy. But that’s not the half of it.

Shaving underarms and legs has become part of our western socialization and has helped to define our expectations for the female gender. When we see a woman raise her arm, men and women alike expect to see her armpit to be clean shaven. When we don’t we are taken aback, repulsed even. Stop for a moment to consider the true power in this: something as natural as underarm hair, which was given by Nature to every female on the planet, is now seen as being unnatural and decidedly unfeminine. Perhaps even more importantly, this has helped to defined how many women think of themselves as females. I dare say there are few women in America, sporting more than a few days’ growth under their arms, who could look at their image in a mirror without grossing themselves out.

For the most part, media advertisers must first persuade us to entertain a negative self image, simply because this affords them the best opportunity to present their products as solutions for correcting that imagined negativity. Make no mistake. This means there is a direct (and critical) correlation between our investment in negative self image and our investment in advertisers’ products. Witness Gillette’s TV and print ads for the premium-priced Venus razor for women that “brings out the goddess in you.” The logic is elementary, and damned insulting if you ask me. You know you’re a goddess wannabe. But you don’t use a Venus razor, so you’re not. What’s more, you can’t look like the mile-long-legs-to-die-for model in our ads. But never fear, ladies, Venus shaving system for women to the rescue. Simply shell out the bucks for one and voila, problem solved.

Dr. Rita Freedman, nationally known author, speaker and women’s psychology expert, writes in her book, Beauty Bound, “Body hair signals sexual maturity as well as dominance. Females are socialized to censor body hair, just as they are taught to repress their sexuality. The silky legs and hairless underarms of a child-woman connote her sexual innocence, even as they make her more sensuous… part of a social myth of female beauty which serves to keep women in their place as ‘the fair sex,’ powerless, weak and properly submissive.”

This is not a call to ban the blade among women. It’s just a shame shaving has been foisted on females when it should be a matter of choice. It’s equally a shame men and women alike have been condition to grimace at the sight of female body hair. Nonetheless, despite rising female authority, and despite a 2004 European study* that may indicate an increased incidence of breast among women who shave and use deodorant, I doubt women will toss out their razors the way feminists discarded their bras in the 1960s. Not any time soon anyway. Smooth legs and hairless armpits may or may not be good things, depending on your point of view. As Rita Freedman states in her more recent book, Bodylove: Learning to Like Our Looks and Ourselves; a Practical Guide for Women, “Good looks are a real source of women’s social power and can be useful in a variety of situations. There’s a difference between pursuing beauty joyfully and pursuing it desperately. Looking attractive is part of the game of living. But playing with your image should feel like fun, not a contest in which you always wind up on the losing side.”

Speaking of contests, below is a European ad for breast cancer awareness (the English version) that won an award in an advertising festival in 2005. Had this billboard appeared on an interstate in the United States it probably would have stopped traffic.

*The US study, by Chicago doctor Kris McGrath of Northwestern University, and involving over 437 women with breast cancer, suggests that deodorants or antiperspirants might be linked with breast cancer, but only together with underarm shaving. It is the first evidence of such a link but is far from conclusive. The study found that the more zealous the underarm regime, the younger the women were when diagnosed with cancer. Those who shaved at least three times a week and applied deodorant at least twice a week were almost 15 years younger when diagnosed than women who did neither.
This issue first gained publicity in the 1990s when a hoax email was widely circulated. It claimed that underarm shaving creates tiny nicks, allowing chemicals from deodorants or antiperspirants to enter the body and trigger tumors.

Gender Roles

2007-02-26T12:54:00.000-05:00

Here are excerpts from a long article in Psychology Today entitled "Gender Wars."

We live in a time where gender-based roles are changing and few pathways are marked as we try to figure out the right way to make our lives work in relationships. What complicates gender relations is that the world we inhabit today would have been almost impossible to envision even as recently as the 1950s. Gender relations in contemporary society present a seemingly paradoxical picture.

What has not changed, apparently, since the 50s is the desire of men and women to figure out what is appropriate for their own and the other gender--and to find ways to live together. What has changed is that we are now less sure about what is the right way to be a man or woman.

To a large degree, the ambiguity everyone’s feeling about gender is part of a greater uncertainty about what is real, true, and right in general. Human relations and the search for identity, which translates into ways of believing and being, have grown particularly complicated courtesy of the technological explosion and information saturation we all now experience.

This process is further compounded by the challenges in society to many of the beliefs that we have held as self-evident for so long. Gender is but one of the traditional categories of self-identification that is deteriorating. That encompasses not only the belief in two genders but in notions of masculinity and femininity. Result: rampant confusion about how men and women are supposed to act.

What we call “gender” encompasses biological sex but goes beyond it to the socially prescribed roles deemed appropriate for each sex by the culture in which we live. Complicating the issue is that only the broad outlines of gender roles are drawn by the larger society. The gender roles we each carry out are highly individualistic, built on our biological and physical makeup, appearance and personality, life experiences such as work and education, and history of sexual and romantic interactions. Each element influences how others perceive us as a man or a woman and how we perceive others’ intentions and expectations for us.

I recall a discussion with my father back in the late 1970s. My first wife and I had just bought the identical house my parents had purchased on the GI Bill in 1956 for $11,600 at maybe 4% interest, tops. My ex and I paid $57,000 at something like 12% interest and were both working to pay the mortgage. My father made a disparaging comment about “working mothers” even though my ex and I did not yet have children. I looked at my mother, who had never worked and who paid all the bills, and asked if she could make a monthly payment of something on the order of $675 on what my father was earning at that point in time. She said absolutely not.

My father has long since passed on and sometimes I think back on that conversation and feel badly about it. Though it was not my intention, I may have embarrassed him or caused him to feel inadequate as a man, as a provider for his family. I’ve experienced that feeling a time or too and I know how stinking lousy it feels. All I meant to do was to say, hey, it’s not like when you and mom started out, and here’s the proof in hard dollars and cents: I’m college educated, earn more than you and I still can’t afford to buy the same modest house I grew up in. Over the years I’d heard plenty from him about how things “should” be and I needed just once to have him agree that many fronts, circumstance were such that my world could not be as it “should.”

As it was, my father never again commented about my two-income marriage. That day he could do little more than shake his head in bewilderment. He’d fought in the European Theater of WWII under General Patton. He knew how to point a gun at the enemy. He knew how to use his GI-Bill reward to move his family out of the city and into suburbia for a better quality of life. But he also knew the world was changing into one he didn’t understand, and there was no longer an identifiable enemy to blame. Yes, he changed somewhat with the times when he was given no alternative, but for the most part, I think he made a conscious decision to cling as best he could to the fading world he knew best.

Up until a few years ago I’d been clinging to some old notions, not necessarily because I’d made a conscious decision to do so, but mainly out of ignorance. My favorite saying is “You don’t know what you don’t know.” Had I not met Goddess V, I might still be the man I was 10 or even 5 years ago. When we first met, had she pointedly told me she was a dominant woman and expected me to submit to her, I might never have pursued a relationship with her. As it happened, our FLR evolved over time similar various changes in our society have come into being. With one important difference. Changing economics and other outside influences often force people into making changes. Sometimes it’s simply a matter of survival, ie., the two-income family.

However, a wife-led marriage was not imposed on Goddess V and me by outside societal forces. No one said, hey, this is how it’s gonna be from now, so you’ll have to either like it or lump it. It had more to do with us taking a hard look at who were, both as individuals and as a couple, and at what was working and not working in our relationship. I should add that this was more true for me than it was for Goddess V. It required redefinition and acceptance of our gender roles both in terms of what we expected from ourselves and of one another. Once we did this, we experienced more harmony in our relationship than ever before.

Eternal Valentines

2007-02-13T15:48:00.000-05:00

I was immediately intrigued by this photo when I first saw it on my Yahoo homepage last week. Archeologists on a dig in Italy have uncovered these fossilized skeletons that have literally been locked in an embrace for the past 5,000 to 6,000 years. To me, the image is the ultimate paradox. In the same instant it’s both gruesome and romantic. It’s a harsh reminder of our mortality, and yet it also illustrates human spirit that sometimes transcends our mortality.

One can only speculate as to how these two people came to die nearly cheek to cheek in what is clearly an endearing embrace. The article I read inferred these two people were male and female, and apparently rather young due to teeth that had not yet been ground down with age. Were they two lovers? Perhaps husband and wife? Did they die in this position? Together? Could one have been so heart broken as to lie down next to the partner who had already expired to wait for death? Perhaps they were arranged this way after death as a tribute to their togetherness in life, or as testimony to their love for each other. Love. Were people who lived five or six thousand years ago, who were barbarians by today’s standards, even capable of experiencing love as we define it today?

This brings me to the point of my writing about this here on a FemDom blog. If you read much about this lifestyle, if you participate in any of a couple of forums on the subject, you may note that emphasis is often centered around a D/S component. In the VOT Forum, for example, there is currently a great deal of heated discussion about whether “real” FLRs should include D/S, discipline, orgasm control, or even use of the terms dominant and submissive. One individual even asserts that 90% of FLRs are bogus, simply sham relationships in which men top from the bottom to satisfy their fantasies. Women once again are exploited and manipulated by men. That women rarely initiate FLRs on their own is cited as proof of this.

My intention here is not to belabor that particular debate. I do however want to say that in all the discussions, a term I see used less than any other is LOVE. That’s unfortunate because in my opinion, love is the most critical component of all. Anyone who has read this blog knows that Goddess V and I believe in female-led relationships and in FemDom. But while her role as a domme and mine as her submissive may define who we are within our marriage, it’s the love that we hold for each other that keeps us centered in our relationship.

As for the ancient “Valentines,” we probably won’t see them on a Hallmark card (“My love for you is everlasting”), but I think we will be seeing this image again and again. In magazines and newspapers, on the Internet and in text books. The photo has the cover of National Geographic written all over it. Being a romantic at heart, I think this a good thing because I believe as human beings, we need to be reminded of just what is and what is not important in the grand scheme of things. This image might help in that regard.

Unfortunately, this couple will undoubtedly also be transported to some cold and sterile laboratory for all manner of tests, none of which will tell us the human story behind these two lives, and then eventually to a stuffy museum somewhere where people will gawk at their bones. As a romantic, my vote would be to cover them over where they lay. Walk away and let them be together in their embrace for thousands more years to come.

Oh, and Happy V-day to all those in FemDom relationships!

Thank You for That

2007-01-26T16:37:00.000-05:00

A reader wrote to me saying, “I am forever trying to let my wife know how, particularly in non sexual, but also sexual, ways that she can frame things in such a way as it pushes my submissive buttons. I have tried to tell her she does not always have to say thank you for all the things I do for her, but she says she is a mannerly Lady and enjoys saying Thank You. I understand, but cannot get her to understand all the things she could do that would not be too overt that would reinforce her Domination over me.”

(Incidentally, if we post a quote from an email we’ve received, we do not include it here without first obtaining approval from the sender.)

First off, it seems to me that because feminine power over the male stems from female sexuality, all methods a woman may use to reinforce her dominance over a submissive man will have roots in sexuality. Certain activities or methods may be more subtle and less overt than others, but they will have sexual overtones in the male’s mind nonetheless. Sexuality, that of both the male and the female, provides the fuel that powers the FemDom engine.

One of the challenges in adopting and maintaining a FemDom relationship involves understanding that the psyche of a submissive male is such that it needs reinforcement. This is not to say he needs convincing that his role should be that of the submissive. Not in the least. A submissive male merely wants positive affirmation that he will be dominated and is expected to submit. Intense reminders such as discipline sessions and various bedroom activities go a long way to reinforce a woman's dominant status in a relationship. However, these activities typically require planning and opportunity, and because family and other obligations can interfere (those with children in the home know this all too well). Therefore it’s likely they won’t occur with enough frequency to satisfy the male's desire. The word insatiable comes to mind [grin].

Less overt daily reminders can therefore become very important. I don't think that a woman who is growing into her dominant role in a relationship initially appreciates the importance of this. I also suspect it takes a while for her to fully comprehend that it is not necessarily a dominant act itself that makes things click in the submissive male’s mind, but rather, it is how the act makes him feel.

On the surface, having to push buttons day in and day out may sound like a lot of extra and unwanted work for a dominant woman. And after all, FemDom is supposed to make life easier for a woman, not more complicated. One might also ask: doesn’t this amount to a woman pandering to a man’s needy and selfish submissive nature? Not really. The need to be reminded of his submissive role is an integral component of male desire to submit to female authority. It is part of his hardwiring and cannot be short-circuited. In and of itself it accounts for much of the pleasure he derives from being dominated by her. And that, as they say, is that.

A dominant woman need only accept this and learn to use it to her advantage. All worthwhile endeavors in this world require effort. Show me a happy marriage, vanilla or otherwise, and I’ll show you two people who are dedicated, committed and willing to expend the effort necessary to achieve that happy marriage. I believe this is what builds passion, for the individuals and for the relationship they share. In this respect, a FemDom marriage is no different. With a little thought, imagination and practice, (and possibly a bit of compromise as we shall see below) a dominant woman can push her man’s submissive buttons with very little effort. The more she does so, the greater his service.

I responded to the reader I quoted at the beginning of this post by saying that I see nothing wrong with his wife’s desire to say Thank You. For her this is a matter of good manners and being polite as a way of showing appreciation and respect for all that her husband does for her. There is nothing written in the Dominant Woman’s Handbook of Female Authority that precludes her from acting accordingly. However I suggested to the reader that he in turn might suggest to his wife that she alter her phraseology when thanking him. Instead of simply saying, “Thank you,” she might say, "Thank you, my slave;” or "Thank you; you're such a thoughtful sub;" or "Thank you; aren't you a good servant." This way his wife can maintain her sense of manners, yet remind him of his submissive role in their marriage.

Having said this, I’ll also add that Goddess V often says, “Thank you.” This doesn’t bother me, as I understand she does this because she believes in being polite and respectful, and because she truly appreciates things I do for her. So she likes to respond in kind as my wife and not always as a domme. And shouldn’t that be her prerogative considering she IS the one in authority in our marriage?

Here are suggestions for some less intense ways of pushing a submissive man’s buttons. Most of these undoubtedly are not original as there’s really nothing new under the sun, and FemDom is no exception. Some of these may work for some folks and not for others. All personalities, likes and dislikes vary. Oh, and BTW, in my opinion, none of these need be done in a harsh, demeaning, mean, nasty, humiliating, degrading or condescending manner. Good nature, humor and a smile go a long way in life, and once again, FemDom is no exception.

Send him emails in which you mention his submissive behavior or address him as your sub, slave, knight, servant, boytoy or whatever. Or send text messages.
Have him wear panties to work, preferably yours and preferably dirty. Not every day: it’ll become too routine. Ask him what his coworkers would think if they knew he was wearing your panties.
Give him an allowance and require he account for his expenditures.
Tell him to buy a chastity device. No negotiation, no discussion.
Lock him up periodically. Leave it on for a day or two or seven, or however long you wish, so he never knows how long he’ll be locked up. Always be the one to lock and unlock the device. Make a point of inspecting it daily and teasing him about being at your mercy. Be sure to have him service you while wearing it.
Have him keep a journal in which he records his thoughts and submissive feelings. Read it once a week while he kneels naked at your feet.
Make a habit of sliding your hand (or foot) into his crotch and saying something like, “Getting to be a horny sub are we?” Or, “Since Mr. Willy belongs only to me, I can fondle him whenever I wish—but you may not.” Or say nothing at all: just smile and give him a kiss on the cheek or a pat on the head.
Have him kneel before you and kiss your feet.
Have him give you foot massages and pedicures.
Have him lick and suck your toes.
Send a picture of your pussy to his cell phone with a message like, “This is the center of your world. Don’t forget it.”
Insist he read some of your “women’s magazines” and romance novels if you read them.
Have him kneel naked before you and profess his devotion to you as his Goddess. “Hold Court” so to speak and do this several times a week.
Have him wear a collar around the house.
Attach a leash to this collar and lead him anywhere you wish.
Have him perform household chores in the nude while you are clothed.
Have him give you full body massages.
Have him insert a butt plug just before company arrives or before you both go out for an evening. Smile at him whenever he sits down.
Don’t “ask” him to do something. Tell him. “Make me a cup of tea.” “I want you to paint the den this weekend.” “I expect you in the bedroom, naked and on your knees in 3 minutes.”
Ask for explanations. “Why haven’t you made our bed yet?” “Why don’t you have dinner ready?”
Beckon him with your finger.
Take every opportunity to flash him.
Wear especially sexy or revealing outfits.
Have him go shopping with you to carry your purse and packages.
Always pay the check when you go out to eat.
Insist he thank you for disciplining him.
Queen him.
Develop a tone of voice when requiring something of him or expressing your displeasure over something. It’ll be your “domme voice.”

Gimme a Sign

2007-01-19T13:13:00.000-05:00

I’ve read many times where, mostly submissive men, have expressed a desire for a universal symbol signifying FemDom and Female Leadership. I think having such a sign or symbol is a terrific idea, one that’s way past due I might add. Most men, women and couples who practice this lifestyle aren’t out there advertising the fact, electing to keep it part of their private lives. So a FemDom symbol that’s known by men and women who are amenable toward female authority, leadership and dominance would make it easier to identify one another.

For single people, it would surely make dating so much easier. No more wondering or worrying over how or when to drop the F or S-bombs. It would also make it easier for couples to network. Many have no local FemDom groups they can join for support. Others are hesitant or too intimidated to join a group. Goddess V and I have often seen another couple who, for one reason or another, we suspect might be into this lifestyle. Yet we never know for sure. If we did, we’d be more likely to mention the subject to compare notes and generally support each other.

Sadly, to my knowledge, so far no one has come up with a symbol that has caught on. It’s been said that a married women who wears an ankle bracelet and a wedding ring is signaling that she cuckolds her husband. I suppose that may have been true at one time (although I seriously doubt it), but judging by the number of women I see wearing anklets these days, it certainly couldn’t be true any longer. Even if it were still true, there’s no symbol for the rest of the women and men who comprise the majority of the FemDom ranks.

On Elise Sutton’s website there has been discussion about this over the years. A few suggestions have been tendered but nothing has ever become of it. Recently a reader wrote to mention a website where someone has designed and posted downloadable symbols that represent the D/S lifestyle. There are separate symbols for male and female dominants, male and female submissives and also a flag to signify the D/S lifestyle in general. A great deal of thought and reasoning went into the designs, but to me, from a FemDom or FLR point of view, they don’t quite fill the bill. FemDom by definition involves D/S (dominance/submission). The female dominates. However the general D/S lifestyle makes no distinction between male or female dominance. I think it is essential that any symbol representing FemDom should clearly express male submission to female dominance. So I took a crack at it myself.

I wanted a design that incorporates both symbols for male and female. After all, FemDom and Female Leadership is all about man and woman coming together in a caring and loving relationship. So this symbol draws on elements that are already known to all. The female gender symbol by the way is derived from the astronomical symbol for the planet Venus, the cross represents the hand mirror of Venus, Roman goddess of love and beauty. I simply rotated the symbol so that the cross that is normally at the bottom of the circle is now at the top. This puts the female in the position of authority where she belongs (think “Venus on Top”).

The male gender symbol is derived from the astronomical symbol for the planet Mars. The arrow, which traditionally is positioned on the upper right side of the circle, represents the spear of Mars, Roman god of war, who was originally the Roman god of fertility, protector of cattle, fields and boundaries. In my version the arrow no long juts outward at a jaunty angle like an erect penis. Instead it is repositioned inside the circle to represent being encompassed (or collared if you prefer) by female authority. In submission, the penis now points downward to signify female control over the male’s sexuality.

I wanted my FemDom symbol to represent female love and beauty, embracing, yet containing and controlling male intrepid sexuality and bold demeanor. I purposely did not join the three elements because I wanted to convey dominant/submissive individuality. It’s only when they appear in relationship to one another that they read together to define and compliment each other’s respective dominant and submissive roles.

In addition, if you remove the arrow, the symbol still reads well as being a symbol for the female. On the other hand, if you remove the cross leaving only arrow inside the circle, it looks more like an elevator “down” button than a symbol for the male gender. That’s appropriate considering how the male’s demeanor tends to be more base-oriented than a female’s. It’s also indicative of how the female is more capable of maintaining her identity and a sense of purpose in the absence of the male, more so than the male can in the absence of the female. Only when the cross is present does it become clear that this symbol incorporates traditional male and female elements. In my mind, this perfectly illustrates how introduction of female influence helps define the male’s identity.

A woman notices the guy seated next to her is wearing cufflinks on which the FemDom symbol is embossed. Or he notices she is woman wearing a FemDom charm on her bracelet or anklet. Or on a pair of sterling silver dangly earrings. A submissive husband wears a stamped gold ingot on a chain around his neck as a symbolic collar. A dominant wife gives her husband a logo’d coffee mug so that every time he takes a sip of his favorite beverage he’s reminded of who is in charge in their marriage. How about a T-shirt or beach towel? A bumper or window sticker on the car? A garden flag on the front lawn? Sports gear for workouts at the local fitness center? A line of log’d bedroom toys and leather gear? And for the not too faint-of-heart, an unobtrusive tattoo on the forearm or ankle?

I know, wishful thinking... and damn naïve at best. Whatchya’ll think?

The Dreaded S-Word

2006-12-15T14:09:00.000-05:00

Just when I’ve grown to think it is okay to use the term submissive to describe part of who I am as a husband, I’ve recently read suggestions in the Venus On Top forum where perhaps a man would be well advised to avoid using the s-word, especially when approaching his wife about her taking leadership of their relationship. It would seem, according to some of the dominant women in the group, that the s-word conjures in the mind of a woman, connotations of a spineless, jellyfish of a man, lacking in self-respect and devoid of the mettle to defend and protect her against that which might harm or dishonor her.

Not that it’s not okay to submit to a woman’s opinion, authority or leadership. Just don’t refer to it as being submissive. Compliant and subordinate have been half-heartedly offered as substitutes. Okay in a pitch I guess, but they don’t quite get the message across. Do they? One dominant woman suggests using the word uxorious. Now there’s a neat word. I like it because it’s a word you don’t hear much these days. But what the hell does it mean?

“Honey, I’ve been thinking that I’d like to be more uxorious.”

“Ux-what? What the hell does that mean?”

“Well, it means being fond of one’s wife.”

“And you’re not fond of me now?”

“Of course I am, but it means being, well, excessively fond of you.”

“Excessive? As in too fond of me?”

“No, I don’t mean it that way.”

“Then why don’t you just say that you mean.”

“I mean…”

“Never mind. I’ll look it up for myself.

Uxorious: Having or showing an excessive or submissive fondness for one’s wife.

“Oh, I see. In other words, you want to be submissive to me.”

I think it’s interesting the dictionary uses the word submissive to help define the meaning of uxorious. Damn s-word. Okay, let’s pretend the definition is simply: excessive fondness. Hmmm, exactly how much fondness for one’s wife is “excessive?” Can a man ever be too fond of his wife? And what about that female authority and leadership thing. Where in the definition of uxorious does it mention yielding or sub… oops, I mean acquiescing to a wife’s authority?

Submissive: (one definition) ready to conform to the will or authority of another

Submit: accept or yield to a superior force or to the authority or will of another person

It seems to me that you may use whatever euphemism you wish, but the s-word hits the nail on the head more squarely than any other. It does for me anyway. I am submissive to Goddess V. I want and like to submit to her authority. BUT, and this is where I think some people get too caught up in the semantics of our language, this is not the only word that describes who I am as a man. First off, my submissive nature largely extends to one person only, the woman I love (walk up to me and tell me to kiss your ass and see what kind of reaction you get). Secondly, there are many other facets and qualities that comprise my personality. Obviously this is true for every man. No one word, be it the s-word or one of a thousand other words, can fully describe who a man is, as a person, as a husband, as a father.

Thank You...

2006-12-04T15:53:00.000-05:00

...to all for your kind words of sympathy—on behalf of Goddess V and myself. I honestly didn’t expect them when I wrote my last post, so they were an unexpected surprise.

To date, more of the comments to my last post were from the ladies who visit this blog. Considering that most readers are male, and comments are typically made by them, I found this interesting. But as I think about it, this shouldn’t be a surprise. It’s yet another indication that women are superior when it comes to matters of the heart. It’s further proof (to me anyway) that if a man will put the well-being of a personal relationship entirely into the hands of the woman he loves, there is a much greater chance the relationship will flourish.

Bonnie—
My Dad was only 53 when he died and was long gone when I met my second wife, Goddess V. I know he would love so many things about her, but probably would be mystified if he knew the truth about the lifestyle we have embarked on. So would many others. Oddly enough, we’ve had no problem being open with most everyone about our appreciation for nudism, but otherwise, we keep the rest under wraps. Although I will say that Goddess V seems increasingly less inclined to be secretive about her goddess status, but always in a not-too-serious manner. I would not be surprised if eventually she decided to “out” us to certain acquaintances if and when it seemed appropriate.

Barbara—
We are indeed fortunate people. Goddess V and I look around us and see too many miserable people, some are in relationships and some are… searching… for something. There have been several occasions where we have lost friends, and Goddess V thinks it is because some people see us as being too damn happy as a couple, which breeds envy and eventually contempt. Unfortunately, there has yet to be a situation where we felt it would do any good to be open about the lifestyle we are pursuing. People need to be ready to hear any given message, so it wouldn’t have done any good to offer guidance on how they might improve their relationship.

Right now that leaves this blog, yours and other sites like them. Hopefully they may encourage readers to take the plunge. Then too there’s a support function to consider for those of us already in a FemDom relationship. Goddess V and I are not as far along in this lifestyle as you and your husband and there are times when my submissive feelings can be a source of frustration for me. I, for one, find encouragement in what you write on your Oral Worship blog. Not only does it help validate my own thoughts and feelings, it also helps strengthen my resolve. Thank you for that.

And thank you to all of you who maintain FemDom blogs and websites. Let's stick together and keep promoting FemDom and loving female authority.

A Sense of Urgency

2006-12-01T13:10:00.000-05:00

We recently had an untimely death in our family, not unexpected due to prolonged illness, but untimely nonetheless. The person was my age, only 56, and its got me to thinking more than I want to be thinking: about my own mortality, about how difficult it is when a loved one passes on, and about how life offers us but a finite period of time. Time to spend in whatever ways we decide. I cannot change my mortality or how badly it hurts to lose or to see someone we care about lose a loved one. Thinking too much about this serves no purpose. So lately I’ve been considering the time we are given to walk this earth.

Sometimes a candle burns long and brightly, down to the last of the wick. Other times it flickers and sputters and never seems to burn well. Sometimes the flame drowns prematurely, leaving a wasted store of unburned paraffin. The hell of it is, from the moment we strike a match, we can never be sure how well or how long a candle will burn. We may make certain assumptions based on expectations, teachings, faith and even wishful thinking, and based on this we so often believe we have nearly all the time in the world. Fiddle-E-Dee, I’ll think about that tomorrow. I can tend to that later. One day I’m going to… after all, there is still so much fuel left to feed the flame. Well, maybe.

But maybe not—and if we haven’t done whatever before the flame extinguishes, we will never get another chance. Never.

So what’s the answer? Live every day as if it were your last? That sounds good. Right up there with “if you can conceive it you can achieve it.” But when you think about it, if everyone did live this way, with little regard for tomorrow, the world be thrown into utter chaos. Eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow we die—maybe.

I guess the answer is that each of us needs to take an honest look inside our self. I think we all kinda know where we come up short and where we are making good use of life. I know I usually do. I know when I have taken the road that was too easy and when I haven’t. I know when I’ve achieved my potential and when I haven’t. I know when I feel good about myself , when I don’t—and why. I’m not saying I’m now a changed person and will never again echo Scarlet O’Hara’s words of procrastination. But I will say I feel a renewed sense of urgency about certain aspects of my life.

In marketing and sales we are taught that in order to close a deal, one must create a sense of urgency: supplies are limited; offer ends at midnight; prices slashed. It works despite the fact this is nothing more than sales hype (stock will be replenished.; there will always be another sale). But suppose the message were: four years, two months, sixteen days, three hours and eleven minutes left. End of life. Can you imagine how thinking—and actions—would change?

The vast majority of those who read this blog are men. And about half of these men are submissive wannabes, many of whom are in vanilla relationships, mostly because they have not yet confessed their submissiveness (and a few because the women in their lives have rejected the idea). They are waiting, I suppose, for all sorts of reasons. I remember when I was first considering approaching Goddess V about FemDom. I chickened out for a while and kept Elise Sutton’s book in the trunk of my car. Goddess V and I were talking last night in the hot tub and we said that maybe the single biggest reason people are unhappy in a relationship is because they are not honest with themselves and with their spouse—about who they are and what they really want in life. We just don’t communicate. Problem is, we are all running out of time, maybe faster than we think.

I guess what I am saying is that even though I feel better than ever about where I am in life, I feel a general sense of urgency to move forward in certain directions and to make better use of my time. The challenge will be not to go off haphazardly in a hundred different directions at once, so that will require reassessing what’s genuinely important. At the top of that list is my relationship with Goddess V. It’s already wonderful, but I think it can be better still. That’s because despite my best intentions, I don’t feel as though I have yet given her 100%. Honestly, I don’t know exactly where that 100% mark lies, but I think it’ll be interesting and fun to find out.

Naked People Rock

2006-11-20T09:38:00.000-05:00

Naked People Rock

I never featured myself as a submissive. Yet an undeniable sense of fulfillment in being dominated by the woman I love now partly defines who I am as a man. I never featured myself to be a nudist. And yet just recently it seems nudism will partly define who I am as a person. Goddess V and I recently returned from vacationing at a nude resort. It was our very first experience with nudism on any scale. Most definitely, it will not be our last.

Interestingly enough, I noticed a parallel between nudism and FemDom. In speaking with numerous other couples at the resort, we learned that venturing into nudism is most often first suggested by the man, just as the notion of FemDom is first breached by the male. Often the woman is not receptive to the idea. Some flatly refuse. Sound familiar? Some begrudgingly agree to try it even though they are uncomfortable with the idea. Of the women we talked to who had either initially refused or were initially uncomfortable, all were glad they had given nudism a try. As with woman who try FemDom, they seemed quite happy and content with the new lifestyle.

I don’t mean to infer there is any connection between nudism and FemDom. I saw no indication that the couples we met and hung out with had wife-led marriages.

Our relationship as Goddess and submissive was pretty much on hold while we were away—within reason anyway. So it’s possible the same was true for some of the other couples. We met one or two who I think might be into FemDom. And except for one controlling husband, I saw indications that most of the men we met were submissive and wanted to be dominated. You know how people tend to goof around when they get to know each other and start to get comfortable. I made a number of comments about spanking, whips, collars and leashes and every time the men picked up on it. It tells me this is just what they want—or they wouldn’t be so interested.

There are still times in my submissive role that I think to myself, “I can’t believe I’m doing this and actually enjoying it.” It was the same during our vacation. Trying nudism was something we both wanted to do. As when we first talked about FemDom, we seemed to intuitively know it would work for us. Still, there were a couple of times during our vacation when we both said, “I can’t believe we are here among all these naked people we don’t even really know.”

Just like I always felt like a Goddess, I always knew somewhere inside I could be a nudist. Maybe because I’m an exhibitionist at heart and maybe because I don’t give a good shit even if I do need to lose a few pounds. Take away designer outfits and strip people down to their birthday suits and you find out people are just people… and none of us are perfect in the bare flesh. So who cares? All of the people we met were exceptionally friendly, courteous and respectful. It’s what we had been told going into it and we found it to be the truth.

The down side, if there is one, is that we have added another wrinkle to our relationship that will be, at least for now, another source of frustration. As with our FemDom relationship, nudism, or naturism if you prefer that term, is a lifestyle that we will not be able to openly practice around the house as much as we might like. Alas, we still have grown kids at home that make this impractical even if we did kick the heat up a few notches. However, unlike the FemDom aspect of or marriage that remains private, we have not been the least bit secretive about our nudism. This is a good thing because we enjoy FemDom and nudism so much, I think one of us might bust a gut if we had to keep both of these sides of our relationship a secret.

SueWearsThePants

2006-11-03T13:14:00.000-05:00

Sue started her blog in September and unfortunately has already decided she will no longer maintain it. This is an excerpt from her last post. Sue, if you’re reading this, I hope you don’t mind, but I think your words are worth repeating here for those who haven't read them.

You can teach your partner the nuts (however twisted and tethered you may wish them to be) and bolts of your preferred sexual practices. You can talk about the advantages to her, but ultimately she will explore your sexuality with you for one reason.

She loves you.

She feels good about your relationship, herself and your future together. I think your existing relationship is your best hope of seeing your desires realized. Anything you can do to increase romance, communication and intimacy will be in your favor, but I think you already know that.

So please consider this;

We all have dreams. Some dreams and hopes are fulfilled; some by hard work and determination, others by serendipity. Some dreams are discarded.

And some dreams are stored in a drawer. When we are alone we take them out and consider them. Then we quietly put them back and we return to the reality of our existence.

As deep as your desire to submit to a woman is, your partner may have a dream or hope equally hidden, equally unfulfilled. Find it.

Help her discover something that she’d put away in that drawer. Something beyond her realm of wife, lover, mother, of housework and career. Something she thought was lost. Help her realize that dream.

You want to be her knight? Help your Lady find her Camelot first.

Then buy that paddle.

His Collar

2006-11-03T12:43:00.000-05:00

In a recent comment a reader said that when his wife fastens his collar around his neck, all pride and resistance melt away. I guess due to the season of year, I’ve been thinking about a time a few years ago when Goddess V was brainstorming about costumes we might wear to an upcoming Halloween party. This was before we talked about FemDom and about the time I’d begun reading about it. I mentioned this in an earlier post because some months later, as I was considering whether or not to approach her about this lifestyle, I thought about the incident and pondered its significance. Was it possible this woman was beyond “bossy,” with kinks that had yet to find their way to the surface? Could it be she already knew what she wanted and was testing me to gauge my reaction? At the very least, I interpreted it as an indication that she would be agreeable to trying this lifestyle.

Anyway, Goddess V suggested we might go to the Halloween party with me mostly naked wearing a collar and leash, and her in leather as a dominatrix. As I say, we had not discussed FemDom, and at that particular time, I had only begun considering that this might be the direction in which our relationship should go. I remember thinking at the time how odd it was that she should come up with such an idea out of the clear blue. Even more puzzling was how she ultimately discarded the idea-- not because it was too outlandish, or might raise too many eyebrows among friends at the party. Hell no! She tossed the idea because she figured that by the time Halloween arrived, it would probably be too cold for me to be wearing so little clothing. That’s what I love about my wife: she is always so considerate.

I have always had visions of leather, whips and collars. Nothing too outrageous, just some ideas of something fun and different in the bedroom. I believe when you have a vision of anything you can make it happen. And this is true for most things in life, not just a little kinky play in the bedroom. If you don’t keep the vision, you can pretty much figure it will never happen. Even though my mind has always conjured up these types of visions, I hadn’t come right out and talked about it with VK. If had when we first met, I might have scared him off. LOL. Actually, if I had, we’d probably have gotten into this lifestyle sooner and maybe saved ourselves some trials to our relationship. But things happen in their own time. I guess I was bound to live this lifestyle sooner or later. ☺

The costume suggestion immediately struck a chord with me. Yet as I recall, I tempered my reaction into something like, “Hmm, that’s an interesting idea.” We all know that completely open and honest communication between two people in a relationship is sometimes not easy. The costume idea faded away but the image it left in my mind surely did not. I thought about it often and realized that everything about it appealed to me on levels I had never before experienced. I believe many people dress up for Halloween not only for fun, but sometimes also as a way to live out a fantasy, or to be someone that everyday life or personal insecurities and inhibitions may not allow them to be. While I didn’t understand the appeal, I knew it was indicative of more than a desire to live out a fantasy or to be someone else for a few hours. My inner voice told me that the feelings it aroused within me were yet another sign pointing toward FemDom.

Odd thing about one’s inner voice. Is it ever wrong? I want to go way off on a tangent here, but best to wrap this up and save inner voice for another day.

Today there is a black leather slave collar in our bedroom that is far more than part of a Halloween costume. We don’t get to use it for more than an hour or two at a time here and there, but when Goddess V fastens it around my neck, it fits-- if you know what I mean. It fits because it’s part of who I am and because it’s a symbol of who Goddess V and I have become to each other. Collaring may be more a D/s activity than a necessity in a wife-led marriage, so for those who may find this objectionable, not to worry. For us however, it works. Not only does it push one of my submissive buttons, it also pleases Goddess V to see the change in me when she buckles it on.

VK is very submissive when I put that collar around his neck. I especially like the sound of the chain leash [evil grin]. I can see the look on his face change and his whole demeanor changes. It’s when he changes from being my knight to being my slave and I know then he is mine to do as I wish. I’m often still amazed at this but I gotta say I like the feeling of power and control—and how he trusts me totally. I know some people out there don’t share this vision and that is OK. But I think most submissive men (and I believe most men are) will react the same way to a collar. And if a woman finds this uncomfortable at first, she may find it fades away after a few times of collaring her slave and letting him know who is the Goddess! Generally speaking, a woman often thinks in terms of “keeping her man on a short leash.” All I can say is try it once with a real collar and leash—you might be amazed at what happens.

Hopefully one day (read: if and when ALL the kids EVER leave home, or we quietly move in the middle of the night and leave them no forwarding address) Goddess V will have me in a collar and on her leash for more extended periods. I’d like nothing better. I like how putting it on seems to pull me out of day-to-day vanilla life to ground me in what’s truly important in our relationship. It can be dangerously easy to lose sight of that. It causes me to wonder what would happen and how I would feel if I were in fact required to wear my collar more often. Goddess V says she finds it easier to dominate me when I am wearing my collar. Hmmm, could be one of those “be careful what you wish for” deals. Ya think?

[evil grin]

About what VK said about our inner voice. I believe that if you listen to that voice, you’ll never go wrong. I know you all know what I mean. There is always that little voice that keeps telling you what is right and wrong when you are trying to make a decision. I believe there are a lot of unhappy people out there-- and a big reason for this is they don’t listen to their inner voice. They don’t act on what it is telling them. Believe me, I’ve been there and done that, ignored the voice because I didn’t like what it was telling me. Some of you out there reading this are teetering back and forth about this lifestyle. It’s mostly men I guess trying to decide should I tell her or shouldn’t I. I can’t say yes or no. All I can say is, sit alone and listen to what that little voice is telling you. Then act on it.

Purple But Definitely Not Barney

2006-10-27T15:38:00.000-04:00

Something's been bugging me lately. I have a lot of women friends who are into middle age. Most are married or in a relationship. And hardly any admit to using a vibrator. Most say they've never used one… end of conversation. I mean, what's the deal? Are they too embarrassed to admit using one. Are they telling me the truth? Somebody out there is buying all those toys being sold on the Internet. These are middle age women who should be smarter than that. They need to wake up and smell the coffee.

This is weird to me especially considering how I often hear innuendos from them (and their husbands) that sex isn't what it used to be. Part of the reason for that is because some of the men (and who knows, maybe most of them) are experiencing performance problems. I'm not saying EVERY woman's best friend is a vibrator, but of the women I've talked to who admit to using one, they say they LOVE it. So why no “toys” to spice things up?

For me one of the unexpected benefits of submitting to a dominant woman is that it has taken the pressure off of me to “perform” in the more traditional manner. I guess like many men, I've experienced concerns about my sexual prowess, especially in later years as erectile dysfunction has reared its ugly head (no pun intended). Truthfully, this concern was born far more out of my desire to please the woman I love than it was my ego as a red-blooded male. Deep down inside, I think most men just want to please their woman sexually. Unfortunately we are conditioned to think that this necessarily involves great cockmanship.

I think some men are reluctant to introduce a vibrator in the bedroom because they're afraid their wives may like it too much and prefer it to their man's penis. A woman may be reluctant to use a vibrator, or admit she likes it as much as she does because she doesn't want to offend her man's sense of ego. None of this has to be if a woman and her man would just communicate honestly about what they want and like… and be willing to maybe step outside their comfort zones a little.

Pre-FemDom we had used a vibrator now and then. I don't know that I felt threatened by it's use, just that it was okay, provided it was not a regular practice, and certainly not as a substitute for intercourse. Goddess V didn't frequently insist on bringing out her vibrating friend, and when we did use it, in retrospect I suspect she was being gracious enough not to be overly enthusiastic about it.

This may come as a disappointment to men, but most women don't reach orgasm as result of intercourse alone. Maybe once in a while we can if the mood is just right, but usually there needs to be foreplay to build up to it. That involves the tongue because the truth is the tongue is way mightier than the penis. And I've gotta say, the vibrator is even mightier than the tongue. When you combine a tongue with a vibrator… and add in some G-spot stimulation at the hand of the man you love… it's an unbeatable combo that will rock your world like nothing else can. Or is it just me?

Mostly by being aware of my partner's reaction, I learned the need to set the stage with manual or oral stimulation. But it was always foreplay. It was setting the stage for intercourse and seldom the main even in itself. In this regard, the term foreplay itself is unfortunate because it categorizes any sexual activity other than intercourse as just that: play before something to follow. My thinking changed as I grew older, which is another reason why FemDom made sense to me. I began to see orgasm (her's and mine) and intercourse as separate things, each equally good, but separate nonetheless. One could easily happen without the other with no resulting feelings of unhappiness or inadequacy. It is love between a man and a woman that makes each wonderful in its own right.

A great thing about FemDom is that it puts a woman's sexual gratification in proper perspective. It's all about HER. This DOESN'T mean no more intercourse. VK and I still do that, just maybe not as much or with the same expectations. Which is okay because I know he'll agree that our sex life is better than ever. Different but better. I'm still learning that, in a way, it's a responsibility I've taken on that I didn't have before. Because now that I am free to enjoy sex any way I want it, with or without intercourse, with no apology or guilt or sense of obligation, if I don't make the most of it, I have no one to blame but myself.

From my standpoint I've learned that love, intimacy and even sex itself is not all about the penis. I don't feel the least bit threatened, intimated or belittled in knowing that when it comes to pure physical pleasure, my penis is second or third choice. Quite the contrary, I experience an immense feeling of empowerment and satisfaction in being able to give Goddess V pleasure even though it may not be through intercourse. In the end, I feel as if I've actually become (and am still becoming) a better sexual partner than I ever was in vanilla life.

Spanking: Punishment or Discipline?

2006-10-20T07:57:00.000-04:00

When VK gave me Elise Sutton's book, I wasn't all that shocked with what I read. I had always been a dominant woman, but most just called me "Bossy". I would laugh at that, but deep down I knew these people, both male and female, wanted what I had. VK used to ask me how I became the person I am. All I could say was that I am a very positive, open-minded person and always have been. I am not sure what makes us one way or another, but I do know that I want what I want when it comes to men. Women have always told me I am "lucky.” I laughed about that too. I don't call it luck at all. I call it wanting what you want and not settling for anything less.

When I read Sutton’s book, in the back of my head I was thinking "I could have written this," maybe not when it came to all she had to say about FemDom, but I already knew and agreed with everything she said about how a relationship should be between a woman and her man. This made it fairly easy for me to go from being just “bossy” to being a dominant Goddess in a female-led marriage. Spankings were something VK spoke of early on in our relationship, way before we started this lifestyle. So I knew this was something he needed. I think he was always submissive and didn't know it. He was raised in a "Leave it to Beaver” household. Lets face it, I think Ward was submissive and June was a "Dominate Woman". It may not have appeared that way, but I have learned one thing as I’ve gotten older--- nothing is ever as it seems.

If I spoke about spanking early in our relationship, I don’t think it was because I felt as if I needed it. Not on a conscious level anyway. I might have thought it could be fun once in a while just to spice things up. We joked about it now and then amongst ourselves and even with friends, but I never imagined that spanking would become a part of our relationship. I don’t know that I “needed” to have my ass spanked on a regular basis. Of course that was then and this is now. These days I admit that I really do need it, but not for the reasons one might think.

I use spankings as a way of keeping VK in line and to remind him who is the “Boss” :-). I honestly have gotta say he doesn't step out of bounds very often, but if and when he does something I especially don't like, I try to correct it right then and there. He may protest at first, but the pants do come down and he will go over my lap. But because we have grown kids at home, that often is not possible, so I’ll make a note to address the issue later when we have our privacy. In that case I’ll give him some extra hard swats with the paddle and tell him what he did that displeased me.

A couple of weeks ago I did step out of line. It wasn’t what I did, but rather what I didn’t do. I left on a Sunday morning for a business trip and forgot to call Goddess V when I had arrived safely at my destination. This, despite the fact that on my way out the door she reminded me to call her. Chalk it up as preoccupation with my job, misalignment of priorities or sheer stupidity. Whatever, it was clearly a screw up for which I deserved to be in the dog house. When I finally did call, Goddess V would not take my call. She didn’t speak to me until late afternoon the following day.

As any woman knows, not calling me was unacceptable, inconsiderate behavior. I don’t care how busy VK was. After a few hours of being annoyed, I got over it, but no way was I going to talk to him when he finally did call. I knew that cutting off his line of communication with me would feel worse than any spanking could. Mind you, 24 hours of zero communications with me didn’t get him totally off the hook though. The next weekend I had him kneeling naked at my feet, wearing his collar and licking my boots. That was a first for us and was something I’d been planning to try. While he was down there on his hands and knees and licking away, I gave his ass a few good swats with the paddle as a warm-up before turning him over my knee. I think I spanked him a little harder than usual as I reminded him how inconsiderate he had been. And by the way, I discovered I like having my man licking my boots… more than I thought I might… LOL. I told VK he can expect to be doing that a lot more in the future.

Goddess V is so right about how no communications with her made me feel horrible. It was my punishment for being an inconsiderate asshole. My greatest joy in life is my interaction with her, not only as my Goddess, but also as my wife, my best friend, my partner and my confidant. Knowing I let her down was bad enough, but by depriving me of interaction with her, even though it was limited to her voice on the cell phone, it was far more effective than the sting of a paddle or whip.

Here is where I think people confuse the real purpose of spanking. At least for me, it’s more about discipline rather than punishment. Discipline has to do with a regiment that becomes an established routine, whereas punishment involves some sort of action or retribution for a violation of an agreed upon rule or policy. I don’t particularly enjoy the pain of a spanking, but it’s not my aversion to that pain that causes me to “behave” as I should. If this were true, there would seldom be a need to spank me. Actually, it’s the act of receiving the spanking, not the resulting pain, that constitutes the driving force. It makes me feel submissive, which I enjoy, and why I want Goddess V to use the paddle on me. Consequently, and contrary to what one might think, should she want to punish me, NOT spanking me is actually a better way to accomplish it.

And for those who would ask how I felt about the boot licking: Goddess V had mentioned it in passing on several occasions so I knew it was something that interested her. I knew that at some point she would instruct me to do this, and also that I would willingly obey her. If my failure to call her gave her the incentive to finally command me to lick her boots, then I’m almost glad I failed to call. Because we learned something about each other that resulted in strengthening our D/s relationship. Being required to lick the boots of my Goddess is not a punishment in my mind. Like spanking, it’s more of a discipline that nurtures my submissive side. Knowing that it turns her on makes it all the more appealing to me.

I am not crazy about EVER putting VK down. I often reassure him that I never mean to disrespect him and ask him to please tell me if he ever feels that way. To me this has to be done in a loving manner or it wouldn't work for me. After all, this is about loving female authority. I am still coming to grips with deliberately causing him physical pain, and whatever humiliation he feels as a result. But I realize that the man I dearly love enjoys feeling submissive. He wants it, needs it, craves it and thrives in a way he never did when our relationship was vanilla. That works for our relationship in so many ways that I guess only other dommes can fully understand.

For now I’ll close by saying that we have several friends who for the most part don’t seem all that happy in their marriage. Lately, some even seem to be jealous of the fact that VK and I get along so well. I’ve told VK to stop being so charming, he is driving everyone away..lol. My women friends LOVE him and they tell me how lucky I am to have such a man. There’s that "lucky" word again. I am Thisclosetotellingthemmysecret !!!!!!!

Moving On

2006-10-09T11:03:00.000-04:00

Someone commented somewhere how this recent nonsense with the blogs is proof that something isn’t right with this lifestyle. It’s proof that it goes against the way things are supposed to be between a man and a woman. Someone else responded that it has nothing to do with FemDom and FLRs. It’s simply the way of the Internet. I agree. And this is not proof that the Internet is a bad thing. It’s like anything else: it comes down to what you make of it and how you use it. Were it not for the Internet I would not have met Goddess V. Were it not for the Internet I would not have learned about FemDom. Were it not for the Internet I would not have had access to information that I could read, digest and decide for myself whether or not this lifestyle might work for me. Were it not for the Internet I would not have experienced the encouragement to then share my feelings with my wife.

Candace and Katherine West may or may not be for real. But it doesn’t matter. I have met many people face-to-face during my life who are insincere and it has neither proved nor disproved anything to me about anything (except that you must be very careful about who you trust). I take what they say or do with a grain of salt and move on without letting it affect me one way or the other. If Candace and Katherine are if fact insincere, it doesn't change anything for me. I happen to believe in the FemDom lifestyle because in theory it made sense to me when I first read about it. Then in practice I discovered it works even better than I had anticipated. The proof to me is in how it has transformed our marriage into a relationship that lately seems to be causing some degree of alienation with some of our friends. Apparently, we get along too well, are too happy and that is not setting well with those who do have this in their marriage. Could be, but that’s a story for another post.

Suffice to say that Goddess V and I will continue to maintain this blog for the foreseeable future. Hopefully we have a few readers who are considering adopting this lifestyle and our goal is still to encourage you to do so.

She's Baaaack

2006-10-07T09:58:00.000-04:00

As Bonnie pointed out in her comment, Katherine just posted again after more than 3 months of silence. Hmmmm. Does anyone see unlikely coincidence here? Katherine's post was a short, sweet, well-crafted teaser. Oh boy... here we go again. Ya gotta love it.

Already I'm getting comments to my last post. I expect there will be more to come. Everyone has a different opinion and that's what makes life interesting. It's what gives us something to think about. Provided we are willing to think.

My personal feeling is that Elise Sutton is in fact real. I agree with anonymous that she may well be from the Baltimore area because of some of the things (and people) she mentions in her book and on her web site. She is also apparently in her 50s because of some of the references she has made in her life. Her site being a promotional site for chastity devices however I think is unlikely. Being in marketing myself, if it is, in my opinion they are missing the boat BIG TIME. Nah, Sutton's site is too low key. It could be littered with click-through ads to so many other sites. But there are none. My gut feeling is that this woman, aside from having remarkable insight into dynamics between men and women, is indeed for real.

But that of course is JUST my opinion. And as I said in my previous post, be careful what you read here in cyberspace. Be careful what you accept as truth.

Now, for all you Candace fans. I wanted to believe. I really, really wanted to believe. If she walked into my house and introduced herself today, I would be thrilled to death. But there just seemed to be something in her rapid progress as a dominant woman that didn't ring true for me. Why publish a picture of yourself but not your email address? An email address is nothing remotely like a mailing address. And why not at least write a farewell post, then leave the blog stand for a while. Why use the delete key? Why no consideration whatsoever for the many readers who were following her progress? She sure sounded far more thoughtful than that... if one can believe what she wrote.

Maybe it's just me. Candace, if you're out there, my apologies--You Go, Girl.

Blog Readers Beware

2006-10-06T11:13:00.000-04:00

It’s been about 10 months since I first began writing this blog. At the time there didn’t seem to be many blogs out here dealing with wife-led marriage. Since then a number have popped up, many of them written by submissive or submissive wannabe men. A few were supposedly penned by women and enjoyed a meteoric rise in popularity, mostly with men I’m guessing. I’m referring mainly to the blogs of Katherine West and Candace. Then suddenly, ziltch. Katherine’s has gone untended since June. Candace’s blog, along with Woman on Top, by (the other) Mistress Jen, apparently have gone the way of the delete key. It causes me to shake my head, but I can’t say as I’m surprised.

My personal feeling was that the West blog was in fact a prankster having a go at writing fiction. Man? Female? Who can say. As for Candace, she talked a good game… a little too good in my book for someone supposedly so new to this lifestyle. But she quickly had submissive men around the planet panting for more, more, more, only to be suddenly dealt “Blog Not Found.” Hmmm, I wonder. Someone who routinely comments on a number of FLR blogs recently observed the sudden appearance of Candace’s blog at the very time Katherine West’s blog went silent. Could this be similar to the hoax pulled by Stephen King, who, after becoming a best selling author writing horror novels, started over as Richard Bachman, just to see if he could do it again?

The supposed female author of another upstart FemDom blog alleges that she knows “E Sutton” to be a cigar smoking, whiskey swilling male who is having a good giggle over his charade. Thing is, most of us will never know for sure. Most of us who write and read and comment on blogs are anonymous and will likely always remain so. Anonymity can be a good thing, but the problem here is that it fosters too many pranksters and insincere people. And this is such a shame when you consider the subject matter. Because those of us who genuinely practice loving female authority know how well it works. The pranksters, the people who take pleasure in baiting readers with insincere sensationalism give the rest of us a bad name.

So I would urge everyone who reads blogs, this one included, to very carefully consider what you read before you accept it as truth or proof… OF ANYTHING. The burden is on you to use your head, to really think about what you read. Does it make sense? Does it ring true? Do the pieces fit? Is it plausible? Logical? Is it even believable? Come on, guys. Don’t let your fantasies and wishful thinking cloud your judgement.

Just this weekend Goddess V and I were standing on our deck talking. We’ve recently run into a situation with some friends who seem to be less than happy with their personal lives and marriages. Goddess V said to me, “This lifestyle works so well, how do we better promote it to people?” I responded that other than doing what we already are, I don’t know. It’s not as if we can come out and broadcast it to everyone we know and meet, although I think Goddess V has come dangerously close to doing just that on occasion. It’s interesting to note that even the VOT Society is struggling with the same issue. Goddess Barbara’s book sales reportedly generate less than half of the funds needed to run their website. Goddess B foots the rest of the obligation out of her own purse and the strain has caused her to drop out for a while to regroup and most likely rethink how to proceed to promote the message she holds dear.

Happily, in addition to VOT there are a few authors of blogs and websites that, in my opinion, are genuine and worth reading. I won’t mention them specifically, but if you’ve read some of my past entries here, you know who some of them are. Not so surprisingly, most have been around for some time and seem as if they will be around in the future. I’m glad they are, because if they hadn’t been, I seriously doubt Goddess V and I would be enjoying the relationship we have today.

Nuts & Bolts

2006-09-06T16:27:00.000-04:00

My CB3K and I are not yet old friends, but am developing a degree of familiarity with it. To date I haven’t worn the gizmo for more than six nights and five days in a row. We don’t have a particular routine for putting it on or taking it off. Goddess V is not given to regimentation the way some folks are. Being more of the free-spirited variety, she’s never been locked in (no pun intended) to doing much of anything “the right way” or in any particular order. Just this past weekend while getting ready for a barbeque, she mopped the kitchen floor before sweeping it. Now that’s just plain backwards in my opinion, but of course this is only my opinion.

For those of you who might say that I should have been the one mopping the floor, I’ll add that Goddess V had me busy doing a host of other chores. I was vacuuming and straightening up other areas of the house. Our marriage is such that, despite our growing FemDom relationship, we still share in household chores. Goddess V is not one to sit on the couch all day long watching television. With our busy schedules, quit simply, there are not enough hours in the day for one of us (me) to be responsible for all that needs to be done around the house. Later in the afternoon as our party got under way, I became the “kitchen bitch” as several of our guests called me. And that was fine. Goddess V was free to socialize and enjoy herself while I saw to the grilling and other details.

But getting back to my experience with the CB3K, it had been two weeks since I’d last worn it while out of town. This was mainly because she forgot to lock me up before I left town. She was a bit annoyed at this saying I should have reminded her. Perhaps I should have, but I figured if it had been a priority, she would have remembered. I didn’t think it was my place to say, “Oh, honey, don’t you want to lock me up? Remember I’m going out of town early tomorrow morning.” Anyway, last week we had been watching Wife Swap on the television. Afterward, Goddess V quipped that the first thing she would do when moving into the new household would be to lock up the husband. I smiled at that, to which she added, “Just the way I’m locking you up tonight. Go put it on and I’ll be along in a few minutes.” She came into our bedroom as I was still finagling with the darn contraption and watched until it was time to install the padlock. She got that big smile on her face as she snapped it shut. “Amazing,” she said. Then she added, “I think this time we’ll keep you this way until Sunday morning.”

Much as I am reluctant to admit it, I found the process arousing. So much so that I pulled Goddess V on top of me and we kissed passionately. Me naked save for my CB3000 and she in her silky pajamas. I had been sitting on the edge of the bed and had fallen backward with Goddess V on top of me. Kissing. Until those silk pajamas of hers literally caused her to slide right off the edge of the bed. We had a good laugh over that! It was Monday evening and my Goddess did in fact remain true to her word.

I’m still getting used to wearing my chastity device, because as I am sure you can imagine, it requires a certain period of adjustment (and discomfort). I will say that even though I can sometimes forget I am wearing it, it is a very real and tangible reminder of Goddess V’s authority. I won’t go so far as to say I enjoy having my penis under lock and key, but I have to admit I like (need) the constant reminder of my submissive role in our marriage. Sometimes I find it difficult to believe that I am wearing such a device. I’ll look at other men and wonder if they are locked up as well. Probably not. But I believe that many, if not most men could benefit from orgasm management and enforced chastity.

From the other perspective, by wearing the CB3K, it makes a statement to Goddess V about my willingness to submit to her. When you think about it, aside from my love, and maybe donating a vital organ or something like that, my giving her control over my sexual gratification is a precious gift. Yes, it is certainly one that she deserves, but it’s a gift nonetheless. So this is also a VERY good thing. She seems to enjoy seeing me naked while wearing the device. Due to children/privacy issues, this is usually only when we are in our bedroom dressing or undressing. I notice the contented and amused smile on her face when she sees the lock to which only she holds the key. (I now think, hell, she has always held the figurative key to my heart, so what’s the big deal if she holds the literal key to my cock.) Goddess V also enjoys knowing I am wearing it when we go out together. Just last Thursday evening we were out having dinner after my return to town. A friend made a provocative statement in fun to which I joked, “Oh boy, I’m getting hard at that!” Goddess V was quick to put her hand in my crotch to feel my CB3K and say, “Lemme see. Oh, yeah, he’s hard all right.” Little do our friends know, which adds to the spice!

Regarding the nuts and bolts, I’m still experimenting with base ring, lock pin and spacer sizes. I takes trial and error and I’m not sure I have yet found the happy medium between comfort (especially at night) and not having one or both testicles slip through the base ring. For those who may soon find themselves faced with wearing a CB3K, I can offer this practical advice:

1. There are five different size base rings, 5 different spacers and 3 different length lock pins to choose from. Count on spending some time experimenting with various combinations. So far it’s taken me five or six trials to arrive at a combination that seems to be working reasonably comfortable while remaining secure.

2. The base rings are hinged on one side to make it easier to install. Essentially you can work it around behind your testicles then close it up over your penis. Be careful when closing the ring as it is easy to give yourself a nasty pinch that can break the skin. I did.

3. The two guide pins attached to the tube that fit into base ring are longer than necessary and will protrude into your groin while wearing the unit. So you’ll need to cut them down, but don’t do it until you get the spacing/size issue settled. If you end up cutting them too short, things won’t stay together and secure.

4. The body of the brass lock has well-defined edges and corners that, though not sharp, are somewhat severe. When it’s locked in place, it hangs down onto the tube right where there are three elongated vents holes in the tube. Certain ways you move, the lock pin will turn, turning the lock along with it and causing a corner of the lock to pinch any skin of your penis that has pillowed up through the vent holes. I’d recommend you take a metal file to the bottom edges and corners of the lock. Round them off nicely to minimize this.

5. Yes, you can still stand to pee through a slot at the end of the tube. BUT, if things aren’t lined up just so, it can get messy. Perhaps because of the angles involved, I have found it much easier when using a urinal. When using a toilet, it’s just easier to pee like a girl, plus you won’t have to worry about sprinkling the front of your pants or mopping up splatters on the floor.

6. Don’t even think of using it without baby oil. First, unless you are very small, you’ll be hard pressed to jam your flaccid willy into the tube. A light coating of baby oil makes it so much easier to accomplish. Secondly, as you move, bend, sit, stand, your penis needs to slide back and forth within the tube in which it is encased. Here again, baby oil facilitates this. After a shower, use a Q-tip to reapply a bit oil, especially to the head.

7. Don’t worry about anyone knowing what’s going on between your legs. The CB3K really is virtually undetectable under most trousers and even jeans.

8. Even though during periods of immobility you may nearly forget about it, you have only to move a certain way, or bend over, or roll over in bed to be reminded that you are under lock and key. Expect to receive a pinch now and then.

9. The device shuts down full erections, but expect to awake at night or in the morning in pain. It pushes the tube forward. Since the tube is locked to the base ring, this pulls on the testicles stretching them forward and hence, causes a fair amount of discomfort.

Why Do We Do It!

2006-08-24T23:35:00.000-04:00

Ever notice a degree of animosity that seems to lurk just below the surface between men and women? Maybe it’s disdain. Maybe intolerance. Maybe disapproval. Maybe distrust. Or maybe it’s all of these things.

Get a group of women together and often there’s a good deal of man bashing going on. I walked into our lunch room today to grab my third (or maybe it was my fourth) cup of coffee. A small group of older ladies were chatting over lunch about their husbands, both former and present. What comments I heard were light-hearted enough, but they weren’t what I would call complimentary. All of the men in question suffered from short-comings, as least from the female perspective, attributable to their belonging to the male gender. Same old same old.

Get a group of men together. After they finish discussing the breasts, or the ass, or the legs of the woman who just walked out, talk turns to… well perhaps it turns to the breasts, ass or legs of the woman who just walked in… then it turns to how unreasonable and illogical woman are, and down right nearly intolerable they are. One guy might recount how, “If they didn’t have a pussy, they wouldn’t even make a good friend.” Same old same old.

Yet most of us wanted to get married. Not to someone of the same sex, but to the opposite sex. Hmmm. And many of us remain married. Most of those who don’t usually get remarried. Some repeat that cycle again and again. Okay, men being the poor bastards that we are, who think with our little heads, can blame it on our desire to get laid. That means we apparently must forget how wives suffer from lock-jaw and frequent headaches. But what’s the story on women? Ask any middle age woman who owns a vibrator: she sure as hell doesn’t need a man to take care of business in that department.

So why do we do it? Really, why do we do it? And don’t give me a line about companionship. One can get that from a best friend or a dog, or even an alter ego. Yes, I know nature intended it this way to ensure procreation of the species, but since when do humans follow all the laws of nature, especially now that we’ve gotten smart enough to decide Pluto is not a planet.

I didn’t know why we do it, or rather, why I did it. Until I made a conscious decision to do something that, quite frankly, I was reluctant to do: submit to the leadership, guidance and control of a woman.

A Lifestyle Trend or Fantasy

2006-08-15T13:07:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I happened to leaf through an issue of Life & Style, a weekly woman’s magazine that Goddess V enjoys. There, across the gutter from an advertorial about T-Mobile’s forthcoming Sidekick 3 Do-Everything-But-Make-Breakfast-Phone, was a full page ad that had rather stylized silhouette artwork of a stiletto knee-high boot, complete with a whip in the background that was kinda wrapped around the boot. Surrounding the artwork was plenty of white space. Inside the boot in reverse type it read: My frizz is so wild even a dominatrix couldn’t tame it. It was done in green ink of all colors. Turns out, if you read way down at the bottom, it’s an ad for Sunsilk De-Frizz 24/7 Creme/Conditioner/Gel with aloe-E.

Now what do you suppose is going on here? Frizzy hair… dominatrix… oh yeah, I can make that connection instantly. In the advertising world, this is called a borrowed interest ad, but it seems to me there is a lot more going on here than borrowed interest. Do you think the copywriter on this as was a male with a submission fantasy? I’m guessing, yeah.
But regardless of who is creating it, for those of us paying attention, it seems we are seeing more and more of this kind of thing right out there in plain view.

A magazine ad like this one is a good bit more blatant than a New York Times article about how young women are out performing young men in our universities, don’t ya think? And it gets me to wondering. Consumer advertising involves spending big bucks. This particular full-page insertion for example costs $52,000, plus another $23,430 for the accompanying 1/3-page ad appearing across the gutter (which is small potatoes compared to some consumer vehicles with much larger circulations). So ad agencies and their clients typically do surveys, test marketing and focus groups before deciding on critical issues such as brand positioning, pricing, ad themes and so forth. I wonder if Lever Brothers, the manufacturers of Sunsilk products, has statistics to support such an approach.

According to Bauer Publishing, “Life & Style features the latest Hollywood fashion, beauty, and lifestyle trends merged with celebrity news and shopping. The goal: to celebrate and showcase celebrity lifestyle and help readers incorporate the trends into their own lives with timely and engaging shopping features.
Demographics are:
Readership: 91% female, 9% male
Median Age: 30
Median HH Income: $66,985
Paid Circ: 600,000
Total Audience: 2,100,000

So someone ‘splain this to me, will ya! Does someone know something definitive about a lifestyle trend among 30-something women… and their husbands?

As an interesting aside to this, the website created to promote SunSilk products is hosted by three blatantly gay young men (à la Queer Eye for a Straight Guy) who give advice to women not only on hair care, but also on how to keep your mother from interfering in your life, how to tell your best GF to keep her meat hooks off of your man and the like. Interesting. Especially considering how many of the women I know have said they love gay men. We recently met a guy who, when he told us straight away that he was gay, Goddess V said, “Oh how cool. Will you be my friend? I’ve always wanted a good male friend who’s gay.”

You see there? It’s now almost cool to be openly gay. Maybe it’ll soon to be cool to be openly dominant or submissive.

Choices

2006-08-11T13:57:00.000-04:00

I think I mentioned a while back that I joined a newly formed Yahoo discussion group called Venus On Top that was initiated by Barbara Wright Abernathy, author of the book by the same title. The purpose of the group is to promote “VOT relationships,” which is to say, Female Led Relationships. The moderators, who are all dominant women, and who, were they in public relations would be called spin doctors, refer to this lifestyle as being “vanilla with a twist,” which is to say, “Oh hell yeah, we ‘twist,’ but we don’t want to get into any specifics that might scare away anyone who might be considering this lifestyle.” So they edit and even reject member posts in an effort to maintain what Goddess Barbara envisions as a more mainstream (read: more marketable) approach. As time goes on however, one can see that the moderators seem to be struggling within their VOT-VWAT framework.

All a noble effort—I guess, if it helps promote Female Led Relationships. Personally, for real, unexpurgated and HONEST talk about FLRs (read: FemDom, as in female domination, because we are really talking about relationships in which the female dominates the male on all levels), I much prefer reading what Elise Sutton has to say. Quite frankly, this woman scares me at times with some of what she writes, but I’ll tell you, this woman has it all going on. Again and again she demonstrates remarkable insight into how men think. I don’t agree with everything she says but that’s one of the cool things about her. She says again and again that one needn’t buy into all she professes. In her book and on her website she repeatedly says that FemDom is a big tent that covers many different expressions of sexuality and female domination of the male sex. She doesn’t endorse all of them, but simply represents them for what they are. The choice is left to the reader.

I like choices because I believe I am capable of selecting what works for me and what does not. I’m capable of giving something a try if I’m not sure one way or the other. Later I discover I’ve chosen incorrectly, I’m also capable of choosing differently next time around. Some choices I can make instantly. Yes! I’ll have a pizza—because I love pizza, even cold for breakfast. Some choices may take deliberation. Definitely no anchovies, too salty, but mushrooms, sausage, pepperoni, onions, hmmm, lemme think a sec. Some choices are more difficult to make than others. Should I spend money on a soft shell crab for dinner? It looks disgusting and yet people I trust assure me it tastes great. Wouldn’t it be a shame to miss out simply because I was afraid to try it once. Only one way to know for sure.

I dislike being controlled and herded along by those who would limit my choices, thinking that too many will confuse or intimidate me. I believe I am no smarter than many other people, so I don’t understand this notion of sugar-coating FemDom. So many people out there seem to assume that just because it happens that some folks in this lifestyle are into one particular kink or another, a vanilla woman will read/hear this and immediately be put off about giving FemDom a try. Are not most women intelligent enough to think: Hmmm, I like some of what I hear about getting help around the house with chores; I’m not sure if I want to take the lead in the bedroom but I guess I could try it to see how it goes; and I’m definitely never going to command my husband to clean the toilet with his tongue.

YES… NO?

2006-08-04T08:49:00.000-04:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

GODDESS V

I am forever yours...

Beside you to share and defend
at every turn through life,

Kneeling before you
to serve, worship and adore you
as the Goddess you truly are,

VeezKnight

I Get No Kick from Champagne

2006-08-04T07:28:00.000-04:00

But I do get a kick when I hear that lock click… SHUT… LOCKED... and only I hold the key! PSD, personal security device is what I like to call it. VK wears his obediently :-) In all honesty I don't even think he needs one. Though I thought it was a little barbaric at first, when VK and I spoke of it, I could see him becoming submissive. So I could tell it was something we wanted in our relationship. Besides, a little fun and excitement is always a good thing . So why not? I think people are too afraid to live a little and try new things. I mean, what’s the big deal?

I used the little lock this week. I told VK to put on his PSD on Monday night when we went to bed. Once he had himself situated, he presented himself for my inspection and handed me the lock. I slid it through the locking pin and I have to say---I LOVE the CLICK it made when I snapped it shut!!! The next morning as he was walking around the bedroom, the lock was clacking against the plastic pretty darn loud as he moved---another thing I LOVED to hear! He sent me an email later in the day and said "Sounds like something in my pocket rattling." Of course I was sitting at my desk grinning ear to ear :-) I had the key to that lock in my jean skirt pocket. Throughout the day I fondled it and thought about my husband, my knight (and my slave) being locked up until I decide to let him out—WOW!!!

A few days ago I told VK I thought all men should wear a PSD. Maybe not all the time but some of the time because men think with their little heads way too much. They need to wake up and smell the coffee. There’s so much more to women and relationships than popping their cork. I was married before to a man who I sometimes think sees life as all about having sex and the rest just waiting for the next orgasm. We had a good sex life, but he’d often say when I refused him, “If it feels good, why don’t you want to do it all the time?” I gave him way too many mercy fucks just to keep him from getting pissy. Live and learn—learning is something I’m still doing. I wish I knew when I was younger some of what I know now. Maybe it’s better this way that things happen in their own time.

I’m learning more and more about this lifestyle. About a side of me I didn’t know I had. And about my husband. VK has become such a good submissive. I can honestly tell you all that this is something I NEVER saw him doing. I read where many submissive men say they knew they are submissive early in life. VK says he never did. I believe him, so this made me wonder sometimes if he might have been grasping at FemDom in desperation as a way to save a relationship that we somehow couldn’t seem to get right in spite of the love we felt for each other. I know now he is genuinely submissive and I guess he just never “got it” before because over the past few years he has changed so much and become such a better man, father and husband. This lifestyle has made such a difference in our lives. I believe things happen for a reason so this musta been meant to be for us.

I read the comments on our blog and see where other dominant women say how VK is such a good submissive. Thank you ladies. I know he likes that recognition and so you’re helping to push one of those buttons I talked about in another post :) You also say I am lucky to have such a man. And you’re right, I am. But as dominant women, you know better than most that it takes a good woman to straighten a man out, and a loving domme to really put his ass on the straight and narrow with the direction he needs. I’m always telling VK what a lucky man he is, especially after I look in a mirror LOL! But truth be told, we know we are both very lucky people.

The business I am in is very busy right now. So I don’t have much free time to write on our blog. Wish I did because this lifestyle has changed our life in so many positive ways---not just at home but at work too! It is enabling me to be the woman that I truly am and I want to help promote it as much as I can. It does take a little work and preparation, but I think that is what is wrong with the vanilla world. People take and get taken for granted and eventually shut down and stop talking---about everything that matters. I have read many articles in which the sex has even stopped in a lot of marriages. Reasons---many. If you don't have the line of communication open, you are destined to fail and this is true in almost anything we do. So if there are people out there that aren't sure about this lifestyle or are afraid to approach their spouse or significant other about it (and I know there are many!) then shame on you. How can you possibly expect to have a meaningful, honest relationship if you cannot communicate about what is important to you?

Enforcement

2006-07-31T13:44:00.000-04:00

I’ve read a goodly amount—too much even—about chastity devices. Should be used. Should not be used. This one is good. That one sucks. It’s a treat for him. It’s a punishment for him. Look, we’re all reasonably intelligent adults here. Part of the real magic in FemDom comes from the male willingly and voluntarily submitting to his woman. That includes voluntarily empowering her with authority over his sexual release. If a Domme had to seize that control and enforce it either with a CD or some sort of reprisal, then it would be meaningless to her. It would have no value. She wants him to give it to her as proof of his adoration for her, as proof of his trust in and respect for her authority. She wants to be his sole source of sexual gratification.

The way I see it, arguments over which CD is more secure or whether or not a CD should even be used, are mute. Come on guys, let’s face one simple fact: if a man wants to escape, he will. Goddess V has seen me figure creative approaches around a lot of challenges… using tools. Ever heard of tools that cut through steel let alone flimsy made in China plastic? One needn’t be a Houdini to figure a way out if that’s where ya wanna go. So if a CD is used in a FLR it really is just a symbol of his submission to her authority. And if a guy is on the honor system and wants to enjoy a private wank now and then without getting caught, make no mistake; he can do it. If he gets caught, it’s because he wanted to.

And all the talk about preventing erections! I don’t get it. So what if a guy wakes up with morning wood? It’s not sexual. So what if he has a wet dream? Again, it’s NOT sexual! It’s called physiology and it’s part of being a man. It has absolutely nothing to do with his sexual arousal. Therefore it does not reflect on his Domme’s lack of control over his sexual release. Don’t get me wrong. Goddess V is the sole object of my sexual desires. Because I love her, because I willingly submit to her authority, and because I trust her with that authority, I think she should have total control over my sexual release. Whether she wants me to wear a CD for a day or a week, or whether she wants me to wear it at all, makes little difference in the end. Like everything else, it’ll be whatever we find works for us. In the end, the only thing that matters is that our marriage is better—no, much better—in a FemDom relationship, and we are happier in our roles than we were previously.

Forever In Blue Jeans

2006-07-30T22:54:00.000-04:00

I’m a blue jeans kinda guy. Even at the office with our casual business dress code, I’m fortunate to be able to wear them most of the time. It may surprise you to learn that one of my biggest concerns was whether or not I would still be able to wear jeans. I’d read that the CB3K is virtually undetectable under clothing, but you know how that goes. I discard half of what I read on the Internet as BS, and am usually suspicious of the other half. Happily, what I’d read is true. In a test run while Goddess V was at work and I was working at home, I wrangled myself into my new “personal security device,” then pulled on a pair of jeans, and not the relaxed fit kind either. I looked downward, half expecting to see an unnatural looking bulge that would advertise, “Hey every body, lookie here, wifey has my cock in a lock!”

Nothing. Nothing that anyone was likely to notice anyway. A long discerning look in a mirror convinced me of. What might be noticed could easily pass for a respectable package—not a bad impression to create if I do say so. I was still wearing it when Goddess V arrived home, and even she noticed nothing. Okay then, at least I won’t be having people gawk at me every time I leave the house. I’d already completed one other test: peeing. I’d read that many men report they can still stand to pee while wearing this particular model. Count me among them.

Gentlemen, if you think your little guy plays turtle in cold water, wait until you try to coax him into a CB3K. I won’t bore you will all the details. Suffice to say that putting this bad boy on for the first time is a challenge, especially considering how one needs to choose among various sized rings and spacers and locking pins. So far the second to largest base ring seems to work well for me along with the second to largest spacer (don’t let anyone tell you it doesn’t take a big set of gonads to be a submissive man.) I might add that I made a point of sharing this with the Goddess V after her wise-crack about needing the smallest ring. The unit is reasonably well engineered and so all the pieces fit together effectively. I’m not what you would call endowed like a horse, but even so, I had to fall back to regroup a time or two, then try again armed with baby oil plus a fair amount of poking and prodding to finally get the monster (sounds way more impressive than turtle, don’t ya think?) into his cage.

I spend two consecutive nights out of town each week and Goddess V was insistent that I not leave home without it. So before going to bed the night before leaving town, she watched me put IT on. She agreed that since we are still in an experimental stage, she would secure it with one of the locking plastic tabs instead of the lock. After I was neatly locked away, she lay back on the bed grinning, with a look on her face that I can best describe as being one of utter glee. “I LIKE it,” she said, “wish I had known about this thing years ago.” She put her hand in my crotch and patted my secure genitals and added, “You’ll be okay, honey.” Then she kissed me good night and turned out the light.

Gizmo

2006-07-25T14:21:00.000-04:00

The vast majority of gizmos and contraptions, from the guillotine to the VegiMatic, were invented by men. This makes it a safe bet the CB3K was also invented by a man, and an ingenious one at that. It makes me wonder. Does a guy who doesn’t fish, never fished and has no desire to fish invent the “Pocket Fisherman?” Doubtful. So the industrious fellow who dreamed up THIS particular gizmo must have had a personal interest in the matter of male chastity. Not to put too fine a point on it, but the crazy fucker musta been lying awake nights thinking up ways to prevent a guy from diddling with his favorite play toy. Okay, maybe there’s an outside chance a group of militant, bra-burning feminists abducted a clever guy, spirited him away to an abandoned farm somewhere, then rode him like a pony around the barnyard and whipped his ass for 40 days and nights until he finally perfected the design for the CB3K. Anyone out there in cyberspace buying that?

Here’s something else that makes me wonder. Our freebie Stat Counter tells me this blog now averages close to 600 page loads each day. Yet most of what we write here draws few comments. Then I posted the preceding entry and wham, more comments than any other post. Dominant ladies are laughing and thinking, “Uhuh, you go, Goddess V.” And submissive men are, well, suffice to say they seem to think it was an excellent post. Hmmm. To tell you the truth, I debated over whether or not to write about IT. IT seemed to be maybe a little too personal. But considering how control of male orgasm is undeniably the keystone of FemDom, enforced male chastity, via use of what Goddess V now refers to as a Personal Security Device, seems to be a logical direction in which many FLRs eventually go. So in the end I decided that since Goddess V and I have become advocates of FemDom, Loving Female Authority and Wife-led Marriage, it would perhaps be somewhat of a disservice to exclude from our story this aspect of our relationship.

Reading the teeny-tiny sheet of instructions that is packed inside the gift box: I am suppose to choose from five differently sized hinged rings… not too tight but not too loose. Goddess V’s initial advice was, “That’s easy, honey. Go with the smallest.” Hmmm, her humor can be so amusing. Then choose among five spacers and three locking pins. All rightie-then. Apply a few dabs of baby oil or gel to help slip into the tube, being careful not to pinc….ouch! Damn! THAT's gonna leave a mark. If getting OUT of this gizmo is half as difficult as getting IN, my days of tweaking the little guy just to say "hello, thinking of you," are destined to become a fond memory.

IT...

2006-07-21T13:06:00.000-04:00

…was way high on the list of things that scared the bejesus out me when I first began reading about FemDom. One that caused me to think two, three and four times before approaching my wife about loving female authority. And IT was something she quickly focused on when she first began reading about this lifestyle. She said IT appealed to her and that she thought I’d like IT too. Except for a couple of passing references here and there, that was pretty much the end of the discussion about IT until recently when the subject surfaced again. “Honey,” she said off-handedly, “you had to know IT was just a matter of time.”

“But I think…” Goddess V cut me off by interjecting, “That doesn’t matter, honey. All that matters is what I want. So take care of IT.” Seeing the pained look on my face she added, “Look, we’ll try IT out and see how IT goes. Just go ahead and order IT.” I obeyed. I could have balked further. I could have refused. I could even have spilled my ice tea on my keyboard to short-circuit my laptop. But I didn’t. I obeyed her—which Goddess V will say is proof enough that I actually want IT. I won’t deny there is a certain erotic fascination with IT, either that or morbid curiosity akin to what causes drivers to slow down and gawk when passing a traffic accident. BUT... the jury is still out on this one.

I ordered IT around 4:30 on a Friday afternoon from a site called Kept for Her. On Saturday I received an email saying IT had shipped. Damn, already? Don’t they take weekends off? Mid afternoon on Monday I could scarcely believe my eyes when I saw the mail truck stop out front of our house instead of at the community mailboxes further down the street. Nah. All the way from Indiana? Over a weekend? US Parcel Post? No way! But sure enough, a moment later our belligerent mail lady was steaming up our front walk with a small, innocuous looking package in hand—looking none too pleased I might add for having to make an additional stop.

She paused for a moment as she contemplated how to negotiate past rogue droplets from a sprinkler I had running in our front gardens. Double damn! I had repositioned the sprinkler away from our front walk only minutes before. Judging as how this lady had once returned a package as “refused” because it didn’t fit in our mailbox, I’m positive the sprinkler would have held her at bay. Even if she had winged the package in the direction of our door, it may have fallen behind a shrub where it would have remained hidden for God knows how long. I’da been saying, “Geez, Babe, I dunno why IT hasn’t come yet… you saw me place the order.”

[sigh] Ah, timing is everything, and as it happened, the Mail Nazi skirted the water obstacle and sallied forth. Neither rain nor sleet nor garden sprinklers on a hot July afternoon can keep HER from her appointed rounds. It’s all about attitude, right? I suspect that had she known the contents of the package she was delivering, she’d have gladly endured wet feet with a smug you-bout-to-learn-who's-boss smile on her face, instead of her usual doanchu-even-think-bout-fuckin-wit-me scowl. Indeed.

It’s amazing when you think about it. Somewhere, someone at some point in time was boxing up a collection of deviously engineered parts—an acrylic tube, different size rings and spacers, a small, brass padlock… especially, that damned Masterlock—and probably all the while thinking and chuckling: phew, some poor submissive bastard is gonna be wearing this gizmo. And so, with help from VISA, a Mac, cable high-speed Internet, the folks at Keptforher.com and the US Mail (thank you all very much), a genuine, one hundred and sixty-nine dollar CB3000 chastity device, has found its way to my door. Which means that yours truly is the submissive bastard who will be wearing IT.

Failure

2006-07-17T11:52:00.000-04:00

I don’t deal with failure very well, particularly when it involves my own ability and talent. I failed in a home improvement project on Sunday, one that has been dragging on and on because we have been so busy outside our home on another project. Very frustrating. It came at the tail end of what could only be described as an exhausting weekend involving other projects that are turning out extremely well. This only served to make my DIY failure at home sting all the more. It put me in a belligerent and generally pissed-off mood, not at anyone in particular, well, yeah… at MYSELF. There was a time when Goddess V probably would have gotten mad at me for being in such a mood, but as it was, she dealt with it very well. She sympathized and then pretty much left me alone.

Lately I’ve been packing a lunch for Goddess V a few days a week when I am home. Sunday night she went to bed before I did and when she kissed me goodnight, I told her I’d pack her lunch, not to forget it in the morning. She replied that she knew I was tired and to forget about it. I sat up a while after she went to bed, thinking. At first I though Goddess V is getting smarter as she becomes more dominant. Then I realized (not for the first time I might add) that she’s been smart all along. She’s just getting smarter at handling me. I like to think that I also am getting smarter, for letting her do just that, even though it requires submitting to her authority. When I read and hear about so many women and men who cannot find happiness in a relationship with someone, either vanilla or otherwise, I realize again and again how fortunate I am.

I got off my tired ass and packed a lunch for Goddess V.

Our Dance

2006-07-14T13:07:00.000-04:00

This is a peculiar lifestyle. And the deeper we delve into FemDom the more enigmatic it becomes. Perhaps that’s a misnomer because the basic premise behind FemDom is easy enough to describe: She dominates all aspects of a relationship while he submits to her authority and control. It’s the actual dynamic of D/s that is difficult to explain without having experienced it. I believe it was Elise Sutton who described it as a dance between the Domme and her sub. It’s surely that, and more.

It seems to me FemDom is like a dance in which both partners not only follow but also lead one another. The well-known Escher art pictured here comes to my mind. Two hands, one left and one right, each opposing halves of one equation, create and define one another. Each gives the other substance and cannot exist without the other. In a similar way, a Domme cannot exist without her submissive, nor he without her. And the more they interact, the better they define one another, the better each in turn is defined.

While I was out of town this week, Goddess V emailed to me a Couple’s Love Horoscope that she enjoys reading. It said: “Some events have changed your value system and how you see the world. This is no laughing matter. You realize that you – and your relationship – have what it takes to go the distance. Good for you!” I replied that had our values not changed, had we not agreed to pursue this lifestyle, it was likely that our relationship would not have what it takes to go the distance. Goddess V then responded that she was sure we would not be together. Today, though our FemDom relationship is still in its infancy, it has already helped shaped us into partners who compliment each other better than we had in our vanilla relationship. We were always best friends, and love was never an issue. Yet now there is a growing bond, a special intimacy between us that our friendship and love alone couldn’t seem to generate.

We attended a luau last weekend. We sat with a group of friends in a large circle of lawn chairs. Part of the time I sat across from Goddess V, watching her, observing her as she chatted with a lady friend. She wore a sarong style flowered dress. Summer humidity had gotten into her blonde hair making it curlier than usual as it fell to her shoulders. A lei of brightly colored flowers encircled her neck. Late afternoon sunlight filtered through high oaks that rustled in a river breeze, causing pools of dappled sunshine to dance about her. I was entirely enraptured and could scarcely take my eyes from her. Ever watch the movie “Somewhere in Time,” where playwrite, Richard Collier, discovers an old portrait of actress, Elise McKenna, in the museum room of the Grand Hotel? He is so enraptured with her beauty, he spends the night alone in the museum with her portrait, unable to bear the pain of leaving her presence. I sometimes feel that way and this was one of those times. I was captivated by the presence of my wife. My mouth chatted up with friends, but my mind was engaged in matters that had nothing to do with party pleasantries and everything to do with the Goddess V.

Then she smiled at me and winked as she often does. Goddess V held out her glass and called, “Oh slave boy, I need more wine.” She spoke in a light-hearted, convivial manner that others in our circle, I am sure, interpreted as nothing more than good natured ribbing between wife and husband. Her message however, as it was later when she instructed rather than asked me to fix her a plate of food, was clear to me. Publicly in front of friends, regardless of the party atmosphere in which we were having fun as any vanilla couple, my wife was reminding me of my submissive role in our relationship by asserting her female authority. I had no problem snapping-to, and we both got what we wanted.

This is part of our D/s dance together. Goddess V initially began dominating me when she understood that it made me feel submissive, which is what I needed. But it became more than simply pleasing me for the sake of it when she saw the effect it had on me, the effect it had on how she felt about herself, and when she experienced what her being in control did for our marriage. And so there became tangible benefits and pleasure in it for her. This causes her to dominate me more. The more she dominates me the more submissive I feel and the more I want (need) to submit to her. In this way, over time, we are defining for ourselves and each other our respective roles in our marriage. I in effect seduce the Domme within her, and she seduces the submissive within me.

We add new steps to the dance as we experience how our particular choreography enriches and improves our relationship. Where will it end and the choreography be complete? When one partner cannot negotiate a new step—for while we each fulfill vastly different roles, we are, first and foremost, partners in our marriage. And so our dance continues.

Submissive Buttons

2006-07-09T22:49:00.000-04:00

I haven’t been able to write here as often I would like. I don’t have a lot of time for it right now because of work, our side business and all the other day to day things that need to be tended to. It takes me close to an hour just water all of our flowers. Every spring I say I won’t plant as many but what can I say. I love planting flowers and watching them grow. And the house looks so good when they are all in bloom. Hopefully toward the end of summer and into the fall I’ll be able to spend more time here. I really do want to promote this lifestyle and help other women who may be considering or struggling with it because I believe many marriages would be much happier through FemDom.

The relationship between VK and me has changed a great deal in the last two years. We’ve changed as individuals too. And I think it is largely due to this lifestyle. I always knew if I could have total control (almost anyway) my life would be so much better. It is. You see----it has changed me a lot. I have taken so much more responsibility for things in my life and that has made me feel so much better about me, which in turn helps us. So it is a win/win for us both.

My knight just wrote me an email where he said, “I have always known in my heart that I love you, but it seems as if I love you more as time goes on. I don't know if it is because of our FemDom relationship (it must be largely due to that because I have no other explanation for it), but I feel more together with you. I feel more like a team. Plus I feel more in touch and greater satisfaction with myself, despite my submissive role in our marriage. You were so right the other night when you said that I am not the same man you met nine years ago. All for the better.”

I can tell you that VK was a good man when I met him. But he just didn’t get it when it came to certain things that are important to me. He was my best friend, but he was sometimes too distant, a little too judgmental and snobbish and righteous, sometimes too selfish and rarely attentive enough to me as the woman he loves. [sigh] It took me this long to straighten his ass out to where he is finally a keeper. Still, he is a man. He needs direction. He needs discipline. He needs to be reminded daily (and sometimes not gently) that his role is to submit to my female authority. I am still learning to appreciate how a man needs to feel submissive and so wants to be dominated by a strong, sexual woman. The more she dominates him the more submissive he feels and the better a man, partner and friend he becomes. I’m still learning how this process works with MY man--- but the results I’ve seen so far sure work for me! Because… I AM A GODDESS!

Our challenge (and frustration) is how to work this into our lives more. People with demanding jobs, busy schedules and children at home know what I mean. But I decided over Fourth of July weekend I would MAKE time to push some of VK’s submissive buttons. While we were out on Friday night (me wearing a Hawaiian dress) I took off my panties right there in the cocktail lounge and stuffed them into VK’s pocket. (button pushed… plus he was the envy of every man who saw me do it) On Saturday morning, VK copped an attitude about something that I didn’t appreciate. At first I walked away annoyed, but then I thought, nope, I’ll deal with this right now. Fortunately the circumstances were right--- which they often aren’t in our house with grown kids around. VK was out on the deck when I opened the door and called, “Come in here right now.” (button) I was waiting in our bedroom, seated on our bed with paddle in hand, “Take your pants down.” (button) He balked and started to protest but I cut him off. “Get your naked ass over my knee and do it now.” He did as he was told and I clearly explained in between swats with my paddle why I was dissatisfied with his behavior. (button)

In our old relationship VK’s attitude and my annoyance would probably have lasted all day and accomplished nothing at all except ruin our weekend. But the spanking diffused tension immediately and left us both feeling satisfied (and his ass stinging). He pulled up his jeans, I hugged him, we kissed and we went on to work hard together all day, side by side. That night we went out again. During the drive to the restaurant I told him I just might start carrying his collar and leash in my purse so that its handy if he misbehaves while we are out (button). I wore a skirt, left my panties at home (button) and made sure I flashed him several times during the evening (more buttons). We danced that night and I whispered in his ear what a good man I think he is and how much I love him for everything he does for me (button). Later, we got in our hot tub. I teased him to arousal with my feet (button) and sat on his erection (button) but then I got myself off with a jet while he watched (button). He got no release.

It was a great day for ME and for VeezKnight. So was the rest of our weekend and holiday. VK is still talking about it--- not just the fun parts but also the hours and hours we worked our asses off together at a house we are renovating. This is largely because I pushed his submissive buttons and flaunted my sexuality. Amazing but true. A few weeks ago I instructed VK to make me a list of his submissive buttons--- not that I will necessarily entertain all of them, but just for my reference and consideration. Based on some of what he’s written here, none of them were much of a surprise. But now I know. I can tell you that in the future Goddess V will be pushing more of VeezKnight’s submissive buttons--- pushing them harder and more frequently--- and probably discovering a few he doesn’t know he has…yet. [grin]

Goddess V

The Pleasure of a Fart

2006-06-30T08:30:00.000-04:00

This is the title of one of the last works written by the writer who penned two of the greatest American novels ever written: Tom Sawyer and, my all-time favorite novel, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. I found no substantiation for this during a quick search across the Internet, so this is according to one of my college professors, suggesting that perhaps Mark Twain had gone ‘round the bend in his final years. Nonetheless, the pleasure of a fart is also an experience I am not permitted to enjoy. Around Goddess V that is. It has nothing to do with FemDom. Long before our vanilla lifestyle began to change flavor, she decreed her presence to be a No-Fart zone, with a perimeter well outside audible and whiffing distance. Nine years later she has yet to hear me blow my horn, nor I her. Okay, I’ve heard and felt a few puffs when she’s sleeping—she always seems to do it when her butt is snuggled up against me in bed—but she says she can’t be held responsible when she’s sleeping. True enough.

Interestingly enough, during an argument that ensued while we had separated for a few months after living together for a year, Goddess V accused me of being a typical Cancer and going into my shell too often. You see, I’d spent a fair amount of time by myself on our patio during that first year, and in her mind, I was mulling things over in my head without sharing them with her. She considered this unacceptable. During that particular argument I responded, “For chrissakes think about it, you damn bitch! I was out on the patio so I could fuckin-A fart without pissing you off.”

As you may well surmise, these days I would not address Goddess V in this tone. I know better now. Surely there would be hell to pay, more so than if I disobeyed the No-Fart statute, which, by the way, I have come to see as a means of showing her the respect she deserves. And Goddess V now knows that if I am chilling on our deck by myself as I often do, yes, I may be passing gas discretely. And if I happen to be thinking about certain things, whatever they may be, so be it. She now understands that I trust her enough to share everything that goes on in my head. I have no shell, no hideaway to which she is denied entrance.

When you first read the headline to this post, you may have thought you were in for a kinky read. And now you may find it a remarkable paradox to learn that a woman who finds it perfectly acceptable to strap on a dildo and mount her husband, also finds flatulence, though a normal bodily function, to be best accomplished discretely and privately. No, I’m not about to advocate the path to a successful female-led relationship (or a happy vanilla marriage for that matter) is to turn your home into a flatulence-free environment. All of our friends know about Goddess V’s rule and I often take a lot of ribbing about it. It seems that these days most men and women alike find it a ridiculous notion that one should not be able to lift a cheek when nature calls, especially when you’re in the confines of your own home.

However, this is a good example (admittedly an unlikely one) of how people change. If you had told me ten years ago that today I would have not only throttled methane up my ass, but also six and a half inches of phallic silicone, I’d have had a good chuckle over that one. Yet here I am. Yes, we change. We learn and we grow. When two people in a loving relationship do it together, and they communicate and trust and respect each other, when they are open to new ideas, oft times wonderful things happen. And with respect to FemDom, for all of you submissive wannabes who fear your wife would be unwilling to embrace this lifestyle, remember this. Life and people are often paradoxical and contradictory. Just because you may see your wife as being too structured, too “old fashioned”, too “prim and proper” or whatever, doesn’t necessarily mean she wouldn’t happily turn you over her knee.

Life according to VeezKnight

When You Wish Upon a Star

2006-06-16T11:58:00.000-04:00

I read in a post on Lady H’s blog that she loves Disney World. I couldn’t help but smile, and it got me to thinking. It all started with a mouse and a dream. One man envisioned a controlled and meticulously maintained fantasy environment in which people young and old could enjoy wholesome fun and share in the magic of make believe. Sadly, Walt Disney didn’t live long enough to see his dream come true, perhaps more so than even he had anticipated. I wonder if he would be surprised (horrified?) to know his dream appeals even to those predisposed to FemDom and BDSM?

I dislike crowds. I prefer to vacation in resorts that exclude children. I refuse to wait for an hour or more outside popular Olive Garden-type restaurants, waiting for my pager to indicate our table is finally ready. I find hot and humid weather uncomfortable. Yet I too love WDW. Despite the crowds and overly tired crying kids, despite the expense and humid Florida weather, there is something about WDW that draws me. I think it is the organization's commitment to Make Believe, and their Indefatigable efforts to carry it through to the nth degree that appeals to the romantic in me. I think it is also the ability to instill magic into peoples' lives that many are incapable of achieving on their own.

In a way it seems almost sacrilegious, that the same man could revel in Illuminations at EPCOT then go home to kiss the feet of his wife after thanking her for a spanking. That would be me. I get goose bumps standing in the World Showcase as the lights dim around the lagoon, and the music builds, the lasers flash, the fountains surge and fireworks, oh those fireworks that are so beautifully choreographed to the music. Yet I am equally enthralled and captivated submitting to Goddess V, worshipping her, obeying her, loving her, accepting her discipline, sharing life with her. Both experiences transport me to a magical place.

I may be a man who wants and needs to be dominated by his wife, but this doesn’t mean I am that different from vanilla people. I still delight in the magic of WDW. And if you passed me on Main Street you would see me as being no different than any other park visitor. The difference is that, being submissive in a loving marriage that Goddess V controls, I don’t leave the magic behind when I walk through the gate at the end of the day. I carry it with me in my soul. What may seem to be a fairytale to some, is a very real and welcome reality for me. As the song says:

When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires will come to you.

If your heart is in your dreams, no request is too extreme
When you wish upon a star as dreamers do.

(Fate is kind, she brings to those who love
The sweet fulfillment of their secret longing.)

Like a bolt out of the blue, fate steps in and sees you thru
When you wish upon a star, your dreams come true.